(This recap covers noon Sunday to noon Monday, BB time)
So, let’s get the bad news out of the way first and get it over with: no, not the fact that Jessie, King of the Toolbags, is in da house once again. It’s that Lydia, she of the many tattoos, was taken off the block by veto-winner Russell and surferboy Braden was successfully backdoored. That sucks for those of us who enjoy the laid back (and often funny) Braden. Lydia is still pushing the “Braden tried to kiss me” story, and gets backup from Laura. You know Laura, she’s the one with the novelty-sized boobs and no personality.
So, not long after my shift begins, Russell the sphincter muscle comes up with a game for the hamsters to try: 4-4-40. For those of you who have never heard of this “fun” game, you’re supposed to drink four quarts of water in four minutes and try not to vomit for 40 seconds. Whee, what fun! Right? One great big group vomit?
No? I thought not. You have an IQ higher than a ball of lint, unlike some of these people. Hopefully BB put the kibosh on the puke party, as it thankfully never came about. If this is any indication of the mentality of the hamsters this season, it’s going to be a long summer...
It's never a good sign when your arms are bigger than your head...
Braden spends some time campaigning for votes with Kevin and Lydia in his subtle, laid-back way. He thinks he has his team’s votes, but Laura is conflicted: if she votes against him, it’ll look bad because he was a team member. But if she votes to keep him, the rest of the house will be pissed. Jordan tells Laura that it’ll just be two girls on their team (and less chance to win HoH) if they let Braden go, while Michele insists that she’s voting to keep team member Chima. Because she's loyal like that.
Stuff you really didn't need to know:
- Jesse hopes that someday, there will be an action figure made of him. Yes - it’ll be called SuperDouche! Coming to a toy store near you.
- Jordan didn’t know what egg whites were.
- Jordan used to work at Hooters. Shocker, I know.
- Jeff, Natalie, and Ronnie think those who watch the feeds are creepy.
- Jeff likes the smell of skunks. It should smell awesome in the house, then.
- Lydia doesn’t know who Billy Joel is.
- Jessie doesn’t cry because “he’s a man.” That’s up for debate.
- Chima says she was cast as the token black girl, and claims to have put that on her application.
- Chima also claims to have gotten a skin rash from the towels in the house. These aren’t the towels April used last year, are they?
- Jessie asked if you can peel a watermelon. Oh yes he did.
- Natalie keeps saying sideblinded instead of blindsided. IQ of lint, I tell you.
In the old spa/recycle room (and really, what says “green” better than five miles of non biodegradable plastic bubble wrap?), Russell, Jessie, and Jessie’s new appendage Natalie rehash Russell’s tiff with Jeff the other day and talk of how Braden is gone come Thursday. O Wise One Jessie proclaims that Braden still has four days to talk some sense into the others and get votes, so the Athletes need to not talk game for the rest of the week. Makes no sense to me, either. Russell squawks that he wants Lydia, Laura, Chima, and either Michelle or Jordan out next. All the women but Natalie. Hmm.
I'll have a cup of that.
Outside, Jeff tells Braden that he has his and Jordan’s votes, and they joke with Casey, who is still undecided and open to bribes. Braden promises Casey a turntable and a record deal, but Casey replies that he already has a turntable. Jeff slams the other houseguests, calling them sheep for following the jocks. This is said with about 92 accompanying f-bombs and assorted other niceties.
Oh, and as a side note: even though I don’t mention Ronnie’s name in some of these group conversations, just assume he’s there. Because he is. Always. He’s EVERYWHERE, always up in the middle of everyone’s business. He doesn't sleep for fear of missing out on a conversation somewhere. I think if the little tiger barbs in that cheap-ass 10 gallon aquarium upstairs looked at each other funny, he'd immediately stick his head in there to see what was going on.
Laura is thinking that she has a kidney infection because her lower back is hurting, and I wonder just how damn long it takes to get the girl a doctor or some meds. Does the BB doctor live in Timbuktu? By the end of the day, she's looking okay. Who knows.
You mean they really make catsup out of cats? Nuh-uh!!
Later that evening, after dinner is wolfed - really, I’ve never seen so many people chew with their big maws open - and Russell has shaved his big empty head (oh, the excitement!), Jessie tells Lydia that he feels like he righted a wrong by taking her off the block, and she sucks up by giving the tool a massage. He then rubs her hands in return, and I feel my own version of the vomit game coming up. Bleah.
I’ll even be kind and spare you the Hanz and Franz workout of Jessie and Russell, the talk of supplements and weight and muscle size. You’re welcome.
Late night chit chat is rather boring with this crew: the metric system, underwear, PMS and periods, celebs, traveling in Europe. Jeff tells of going to Rome and doing pub crawls, and how he went to Mass there and had a couple crosses blessed. Braden joins in, having traveled a lot, apparently. The others sit, bored. Chima picks at split ends. That's a lot of pickin'. Braden and Michele end up playing pool, Michele dressed in her standing on the street corner best. Am I the only one who thinks her style of dress a little odd? Like, trying too hard?
Jeff and Natalie end up playing pool later, but it’s no more exciting than the first pair was. Ronnie takes turns cornering Chima, Laura, and Michele, none of whom show much interest in the little pest and his conspiring. Jordan announces that she could never have long fake nails because she wouldn’t be able to pick her nose correctly. She needs short nails for that. That’s right, Jordan. You go and make your family proud, girl.
Back inside, Jeff says he needs a haircut, and Jordan volunteers for the job. Make her wash her hands first, Jeff. She mocks his accent, and he mocks back. Talk then turns to passing gas and poop (doesn’t it always?), with Jordan obligingly ripping one for effect. Jeff laughingly approves. I think I smell the beginning of a sweet showmance, here.
This is a gang sign for "I'm a douche."
And here’s how smart Natalie is: she feels bad for Chima having to sleep in the “insane asylum” that she’s always whining about, so Nat has a plan - switch clothes and mic packs with Chima, make sure they were all covered up and swap bedrooms for a night. Like there aren’t any cameras in the house to catch them in the act. Or the tens of us that are watching won't see.
The next morning, the usual crew is up at the crack of nine. Casey sips coffee and puffs cigarettes, while Russell admires himself in a mirror and plops outside on the Couch of Conniving with Casey. Casey warns that he’s careful about what he tells Lydia and Natalie because they both go blab whatever they’re privy to. Russell says Jessie has noticed this already (but of course), and goes on to diss Ronnie as the “rat of the house.” This turns into mocking Ronnie’s “upside-down smile.”
Casey continues and shares his misgivings about keeping Chima in the house, then tells Russell that he’d just love to get rid of Nat, since she weakens the jock team. Russell says that he’d have no problem voting her out. Hmm. Casey wants the brains and populars out, in that order. He even goes so far as to tell Russell to check his temper, bringing up the previous tiff with Jeff. Surprisingly, Russell takes this well and doesn't slug him into next month.
His spidey-sense must have went off, as Ronnie soon joins the two outside. He hops on the incredibly irritating elliptical (squeak-a squeak-a squeak-a) and Casey saves the day, convincing him to walk around the yard instead. Russell jogs around the backyard while Ronnie slathers his furry gut with sunscreen, opting to hop into the pool instead of walking. Soon, Jordan stumbles into the sunlight, cheerfully recapping her farts of last night for everyone.
She takes her usual position in the pool with Ronnie, clinging to the pink pool floatie ring. Laura joins them, playing with the rubber ducky instead as she has her own built-in pool floats. Ronnie splashes his face with water in hopes of it keeping him from burning - Jordan tells him that he’s got it backwards, the water will make him burn faster. He then declares that thousands of people want to be where they are right now. Yep, I’d love to be soaking in a pool of stupid right now. Inside, a scintillating conversation about wool between Lydia and Chima.
Russell and Jessie continue their bromance upstairs, basically saying that Braden needs to go. He sweetly tells Pinhead Jessie that he needs to get his sleep, he’s messing his body up by going without. Russell then announces that he has to drop the kids off at the pool, and asks Jessie if he can use the HoH bathroom to do so.
And that’s enough dumb for one day.
Thanks to ThinkPink for some of the caps!