Welcome, my friends, to the finale of Big Brother season 10. We’re reporting live from the reunion show. Most of this “live finale” is not live, however, and could have been shown on Sunday night so we would have had something slightly interesting to watch then rather than the “Two Renegades in an Empty House: Reminiscing” special that we endured. But alas, recap we must.
The Never Ending Story (of Recaps)
First up, yet another recap. I don’t have the heart to recap the recap. This is only an hour show. Why are we re-watching the whole season in a nutshell? Because there wasn’t really any fun twists like Eric telling Jessica that he is a player or Boogie proposing to Krista, and everyone else supressing the urge to hurl. I’m happy with that, as it was a good season without a bunch of feuding ex’s and long lost identical cousins.
The only “twist” this year was Dan having one week as America’s Player, with Jessie falling victim the America’s Eviction. Jessie has had over a month out of the house for trusted friends to explain to him that America voted him out, not Dan, so that shouldn’t still pack too much of a punch for our friend with much more muscles that smarts.
Watching yet another long recap, my mind started to wander. In my mind, Jessie’s good friend and weight-lifting buddy Meat (purely fictional, but also clearly smarter than Jessie, as nobody in my imagination is that dense) is helping Jessie prepare for the reunion show. Picture these sessions with me now:
Meat: Ok Jessie, we’ll go over this one more time. Dan was voted America’s Player for one week. In that week, Dan was told to 1.) try to get you nominated, 2.) hug you for 10 seconds, and 3.) vote you out. It isn’t Dan who can’t stand watching you. It’s America. But take some comfort in knowing that America was not loving Dan either, as they made him hug you.
Jessie: Got it.
Meat: So, pretend I’m Julie Chen again. [friend using fake Julie Chen voice] So Jessie, how do you feel about Dan voting you out? [/voice]
Jessie: I hate that punk.
Meat: Wait. Now remember what we talked about. We don’t want you to come off as an ignoramus.
Jessie: I’m not a lizard!
Meat: Er, you’re right. Remember, you got to play a gorilla, that was fun.
Jessie: He he, yeah it was. Nobody else got to dress up in a gorilla costume and stand outside in the heat for hours. I won that contest. Wooooiiiit!
Meat: Yes, you did. And nobody else was picked to be part of Dan’s America’s Choice challenge three times like you were. Even though it got you kicked off, you were America’s top vote getter.
Jessie: Yeah, you’re right. America loves me. Of course they do. [kisses biceps] Woooiiit!
Meat: There you go. When Julie asks you about Dan, tell her that you thank America for voting for you.
Jessie: Yeah, it’s like I won. Only without the money. But I got to wear a gorilla costume. Yeah. Wooooit!
Seven Angry Men (and Bitter Women) – Fun at the Jury House
Next, we check in with the Jury House and see what cattiness abounds there. Plenty.
Ollie will need a full week to detox from spending several weeks sequestered with Michelle, Libra, April, Renny and Keesha. That is if he spends any time outside of the jury sequester house before immediately moving into April’s pad to continue their “love journey” off camera. April is worried that Ollie might discover other pale blondes in Arizona and his eye will wander. Yeah, like he’s never seen a blonde in Minneapolis. You can’t step off a curb in Minneapolis without tripping over 6 blonde girls named Heidi (and a Lars or Sven, if that's what you're into).
The Jury members are all sitting in their designated spots, waiting to see who joins them. They rant about Jerry and how they can’t stand him. Just on cue, here comes Jerry. The temperate drops about 50 degrees in one minute as the chill in the air is palatable. The Jury can’t decide whether they’re more relieved that Jerry can’t win, or mad that they need to live with him for a couple more days.
Jerry informs the Jury that Dan and Memphis had “played them all” and he was right. The Jury sits and fumes, and rehashes old disputes about whether Renny was dumber for not getting rid of Dan and Memphis, or if Jerry was for not putting them up against each other. I'm not counting on many happy post-show reunions for some of these folks. Renny and Jerry clearly cannot stand each other. Jerry is still mad that she thought he'd served in World War II instead of Korea. Yeah, and Renny was still getting carded at the liquor store six months ago - right.
After the next set of ads, we get footage of the Jury from a different night. The Jury is communicating with Dan and Memphis via video-camera asking questions. There was no “rat and snake” speech to the final two from this Jury, just more of a realization “how could we all have let this happen.” People feel betrayed by Dan and Memphis and can’t believe those guys made it to the end.
Then the unthinkable happens: Libra is the voice of reason. Being out of the Big Brother House longer than anyone else on the jury, she had the longest time to regain her sanity. I can’t imagine spending the majority of that time with Michelle and April was a cake-walk, but better than being on camera 24/7. Libra points out that Dan used real strategy to lay low when his original alliance was under fire, remained friendly and likeable, which isn’t easy, and then started winning challenges and making big game play moves when the power had shifted. Keesha agreed with Libra on many of these points, which prompted April to disagree.
Michelle tries to “out” Dan and tell everyone that Dan had taken her on his island getaway. Jerry and Memphis are the only ones who didn’t know this already, and they were not really that surprised.
Jerry asks Memphis who he would have taken to the finals with him had he won the final HOH. Memphis, whose idea of thinking ahead involves looking out the window to see if it’s raining before stepping outside, hadn’t a clue. He stammered and then admitted he not only hadn’t anticipated that pretty foreseeable question, he also hadn’t given any thought to which alliance he would break at the end. Yes, he’s clearly the mastermind. April, in an effort to antagonize Keesha, thinks that not having a clue what he’s going to do from day to day is brilliant strategy by Memphis.
Michelle asks Dan what was the toughest thing for him to do. Dan admits that back-dooring her (and coming up with that completely silly Replacement Veto Roulette game) in violation of his agreement with Ollie was the hardest thing for him. Not letting Dan off the hook that easily, Michelle pushes him, wondering whether it was Dan or his alliance who made the choice to kick her out. Dan pointed out that as HoH, he wasn’t in a position to vote her out by himself, so obviously he had the support of his alliance.
Then Dan reminded Michelle that he had taken her to a tropical paradise. It was not her "stolen" trip to Hawaii, as it was a lot closer and cheaper and without a guest of her choice there to enjoy it with her. I’m sure Jessie would have been happy to join her, especially if the show let him wear the gorilla costume. Any trip away from Rhode Island seems like paradise to Michelle, so all was forgiven.
Renny asked Memphis what was one thing that he did for her the entire summer. Renny cooked and cleaned and was “Mom away from Mom” not only for Dan and Keesha, but pretty much anyone who would let her. Dan teased Renny and pointed out to everyone that she doesn’t understand time zones, but also talked to her and made her laugh and treated her like a person instead of some crazy old lady down the street who might go away if you ignore her enough (I’ve tried, that doesn’t work).
Memphis can’t come up with a single thing he did for Renny, other than “be myself.” Isn’t that a gift to humanity, not just Renny? It is so surprising that the Jury gets to ask questions of the finalists just like, well, every single season starting with Big Brother 2. Way to prepare, Memphis. At one point Memphis even says “If you think Dan had a better strategy, then vote for him.” I think they will, Memphis, I really do.
Oh Wait, This is a Live Show?
Now that the hour is half over, we get to the “live” portion of the broadcast where the Jury joins Julie in front of the house. Dan and Memphis look very dapper in their sports coats and khakis. Given the size of luggage everyone hauls out of the house on eviction, I don't think these guys had sport coats with them the whole time. I think the show provided them some appropriate clothes for the finale, probably leaving them in the storage room with vats and vats of slop. Keesha thought she was going to a backyard cook-out rather than a tv show finale filmed in the front yard and shows up in old jeans and a halter top that can barely contain her assets. Renny walks in and greets her public with much adoration, receiving many cheers. Then Jerry walks in and it’s turn off the lights, the party’s over.
It’s time to get to voting, and we’re slightly delayed because Renny is still greeting her adoring throng. Libra votes first, and the camera doesn’t zoom in quite fast enough so we can almost see the name on the key going in. Given how much she was recognizing Dan’s gameplan, it isn’t surprising that her vote would be for Dan.
Renny makes a long speech about as a business-woman, she’s learned you need to treat people with respect even if you don’t like them, so she’s going to vote for the person who treated her better. Well, that is my one sentence version of it. Her version took several minutes. You can hmm the Battle Hymn of the Republic and then keep reading after you’re done humming if you want to relive the experience of listening to her ramble on with no other point.
Ok, now that we’re done humming and back to reading, April and Michelle vote, as do Ollie, Keesha and after another long and completely unnecessary speech, Jerry does too. Jerry’s speech is something about respecting both of them and hats and shirts and who knows what else. He’s really just stalling now because he doesn’t want to get back to reality any faster than necessary. This really was a hoot for Jerry, and real life isn't that fabulous. We hope you enjoyed it, Jerry.
Were You On the Show Too? We Hardly Knew Ya.
Now it’s time to talk to Brian, Steven, Jessie and Angie. Well, maybe not Angie, because Brian rambled on for several minutes, taking up all of the time allotted. The Jury and Memphis found out that Dan was voted America’s Player for one week, and then was stuck nominating, hugging, and voting out Jessie for the rest of that week. Jessie got to thank America for voting him out. That was special. I’m sure Meat was proud of your two minutes on the show last night, Jessie.
Brian called out Jerry for breaking his word to Brian, but then crucifying Dan for doing the same to Ollie/Michelle. Crucifying is not the right term, of course, as Catholic school teacher Dan would no doubt point out that being called a name (even an unflattering one like Judas) is in no way comparable to having your hands and feet nailed to a wooden cross and being left there until you die days later. That is worse. And being a hypocrite is pretty much standard operating procedures for contestants on Big Brother.
Brian also pointed out that Dan was controlled and polite to everyone in the house and didn’t attack people on a personal basis. As long as Renny doesn’t mind Dan’s teasing, I won’t object. However the girls were catty. Brian called out April and Michelle for ripping on Keesha while in the Jury House, but I don’t think those two had the monopoly on cattiness.
Steven might have said something, but Angie said exactly nothing. Are we even sure she was actually there and not just a cardboard cut out? With Julie Chen, we’ve already got one inanimate object on the show, so why not.
The votes are revealed and Dan wins with a unanimous vote. He and Memphis rush out of the house and into the arms of their girlfriends and a sea of cast-mates. That wraps it up for another season of Big Brother. Dan is one of my favorite winners because he was actually trying to win and had a plan for the whole game. Dan was able to make adjustments in his plan when things went awry, like Brian making alliances with everyone in the first 2 days, etc. He didn’t lose his cool and have angry confrontations with senior citizens (way to go, Jessie and Memphis). He knew when to win challenges and when not to win, and had the mental and physical abilities to win or lose at will. Way to hang in there, Dan. Maybe Memphis will invent a new drink, a like a spicy Virgin Mary with a dash of Eddie Haskell and call it the Catholic Football Coach.
Join us again next season for Big Brother coverage at the FORT.