**This recap covers events from noon Friday to noon Saturday, BB time**
I want somebody fired. Someone has to pay for this. I want all those hours back. My whole day today (as well as the days of a few other troubled internet addicts) was completely thrown off, and I want Allison Grodner to know about it. What am I talking about, you wonder? Hang in there, I’ll get there. This shift unfolds like a stripper with an attitude, and there are 24 hours to cover...
As the curtain rises, the hamsters are still reeling from the dramatic events of 24 hours before: the climax of Dan’s roller coaster ride of an HoH, Michelle’s bloody eviction, and the frenetic Fast Forward hour that left Ollie outside the house as well. Then, just as Kool Kids everywhere thought there would be celebration and merriment, Jerry pulled an HoH victory out of his porthole, and suddenly the hopes of Dan, Keesha, Renny and Memphis to take each other to the Final Four were dropped like a loose set of dentures.
Don Corleone, thank you for inviting me to the wedding of your daughter.
As the BB Clock beeps twelve, Memphis had just finished a successful HoH visit with Jerry, where he pledged to take Jerry to Final 2, and agreed that Dan (his secret alliance buddy and half of the cute couple they make in my dreams) should go before Keesha. Following Memphis and his smooth Dean Martin tones is Dan and his not-as-smooth Jerry Lewis tones.
Almost certain that he will be Jerry’s target this week, Dan has little to offer him in this summit, other than a promise not to put him on the block next week if he wins HoH (um, you’re kind of running out of people to put up in his place, but whatev). Jerry, relishing every second of his HoH week, talks (and talks and talks) about his vulnerable position in the house; he thinks the alliance Dan struck up with the other three was “arrogant.” He criticizes Dan’s HoH theatrics last week, and still doesn’t understand why Dan sold out Jerry’s alliance instead of the others (even though Dan explains it a couple of times). Jerry takes pride in the fact (?) that he hasn’t made any enemies in the house (insert an After Dark crawl here saying “THAT HE KNOWS OF”).
Jerry runs through some jury vote simulations to kill a few more minutes, and interjects a few times that he has to do what is best for him. If BB allowed these guys to wear watches, Dan would be looking at his right about now. Dan tries to wrap things up by saying he understands that Jerry has at least ten reasons for getting rid of him this week, and if there’s nothing to be done, they can shake hands and he won’t take it personally. Jerry extends his hand, they shake, and there’s nothing more for them to say until the nomination ceremony.
The next meeting on Jerry’s imaginary BlackBerry is with Renny. Not the hip, sassy Renny who runs with the Kool Kids, but the old, seasoned Renny who sits with Jerry on the porch, defending the front lawn against punks and hooligans. Jerry lets Renny know that she is not going on the block this week, and that he already let Keesha know she was going up but that she wasn’t the target—Dan is. Renny shifts gears and thanks Col. Magoo for saving her from those rotten kids this week. They both commiserate about being old folk in a house full of punks and cheerleaders, and what’s up with this Communism thing? It’s not right, I tell ya! (You get the idea) Renny bows and scrapes her way out the door, and returns to her bedroom, where Keesha asks how things went. Renny is silent. Keesha tries a couple of other ways to get words to form on Renny’s lips. Nothing. Keesha gets up to talk to Jerry, and Renny pipes up with “Where are you going?” Spooky…
Jerry welcomes the bountiful Keesha into his bachelor pad, and instantly assures her that she is not his target; she and her assets are safe. She will have him and Renny fighting for her in the POV, and Memphis is still steamed at Dan for putting him up as a pawn last week. He cautions her that this mission won’t be easy, but if they play with honor, grit and integrity, they can dispose of that shifty terrorist Dan once and for all. Now go out there and win one for the Gipper! Oh, and even if Memphis somehow took Dan down instead of her, Renny would go up and out. So don’t worry that pretty little head, mmkay? (Trust me, his version was even sillier)
We’re goin’ to the mattresses…
Keesha returns to the no-longer-mute Renny, and they compare notes while Dan and Memphis take a swim. Neither of our girls feels particularly safe, but Renny has a really bad feeling about her position this week. Keesha advises her not to overthink things: “This is just the beginning. I hope you would know, I did not talk bad about anyone. When you walk out of here, you are going to be judged. All of America is watching, seeing if we’ll turn on each other. I want you to know I'm not going to be that person.” All Renny can offer back is “Every man for himself.” All these inspirational pep talks are landing like sacks of poop on cement today. Can no one rally these troops into fighting shape?
Keesha then joins Dan and Memphis by the pool, where they decide to name the rubber duck Betty, after actress and game show personality Betty White (no, really!). Renny takes her mind off her troubles by cooking something in the kitchen. The rest of the afternoon passes without any other major game talk, although Renny decides that the minute she gets home she’s going to a plastic surgeon. Apparently this game has given her “Venetian Blind eyes.”
Jerry is called to the DR, and we go to fishes while the nomination ceremony takes place. When the feeds return, sure enough Dan and Keesha are on the block. Everyone is in the kitchen munching; after all, pulling keys from a drum on a lazy-susan is hard work! Keesha and Dan go off to the Punk BR and discuss their fate. Dan thinks there is still a way they can both stay this week, depending on how the POV goes. Dan wonders if Renny or Memphis struck a deal with Col. Sharpei, and Keesha’s all “Duh, we’re on the block!” They see Jerry’s strategy: put up one guy and one girl, either way someone’s alliance is busted. Memphis joins them and announces that BB is doing some work outside, which usually means the POV comp will be held that night, and not the next day. So there won’t be as much time for Keesha to stress-eat. Count your blessings, girl…
The Godfather analogies pretty much end here, sorry.
Renny finishes cooking dinner (Ahi Tuna, nice!) and they all sit down to eat (except Keesha of course, who doesn’t “do” dinner, she’ll just attack another bag of chips later). The dinner conversation is strangely game-related. They wonder how fancy the jury house is. They wonder how the veto will work next week with only 4 players (Jerry still thinks he can play for HoH next week). This evolves into an overview of the history of the veto in Big Brother throughout the years.
After dinner and the cleanup thereof, everyone gears up for the impending late-night POV…by taking naps. BB has become very lax in enforcing its traditional “no day-napping” policy lately. In between snores, Dan and Memphis discuss strategy: if the POV contest is close between them, Dan will throw the comp to Memphis so that he can take Dan down, ensuring that both of them are safe this week. Also, a tense moment occurs between Dan and Renny. His usual button-pushing isn’t going over as well tonight, now that Renny is convinced she is ripe for the picking after the POV. After one surly exchange in the kitchen, things move to the Hippie Room:
Dan: When your step daughter (meaning Keesha) says something, you don’t get mad, but when your son (Dan) says something you gets mad.
Renny: What'd you just say? I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that. There's something f’ing wrong with you right now.
Dan: When is there not? (Keesha laughs)
Renny: What are you so concerned about?
Dan: I’m not concerned. We're all in the same boat. We're all in the S.S. Jerry, and we're going wherever that boat’s taking us. (Memphis & Keesha laugh)
Renny: (still steamed) Listen! You could win the POV. Your friend (Memphis) could win it. What the f*** are you moaning about?
Dan: I’m not the one moaning! You're the one that needs to calm down.
Renny then gets up from her bed and, heading for the door, spanks Dan on the butt. How long has she been secretly wanting to do that, we all wonder at the same time. Dan jokingly claims that he’s been physically attacked. Renny says “give me a penalty” and storms off. Sassy!
Renny decides to blow off steam by dismantling and reassembling the kitchen. Keesha follows her and asks if she’s maybe losing her mind. Luckily, Renny gets called to the DR before that question can turn into another episode. The hamsters retreat to various corners of the house for another round of power-napping.
Eat, Drink and Be Renny, for Tomorrow…
Shortly before the After Dark shift, Renny decides to get dolled up in her short wig and black sparkly beret. She’s going to go out in style! Jerry stirs from his nap, takes his medication and ambles about his lonely HoH room, sometimes going out into the balcony in case the others appear.
The others do appear, and decide to hang in the kitchen and enjoy the wine from Keesha’s HoH basket. Dan has a brief rehash with Jerry in the HoH but gets nowhere, and then heads for the DR. As the others begin to partake, BB announces that the POV competition will begin in 2 hours! Unfazed, they keep pouring. It’s a strategy not often seen on Big Brother before a competition: getting drunk. Keesha and Renny dig in, and are soon silly. Memphis is taking pretend sips along with them, but knows he has to keep his wits sharp.
Dan comes out of the DR, where feed watchers were treated to a brief audio leak: "I was unable to persuade Jerry, because I'm so untrustworthy in his eyes. That is the disheartening thing in this game…” Dan and Renny discuss terms under which they would apologize to each other for their earlier tiff, and they do, and hug it out. Renny caps it by grabbing his butt one more time. Dan says it’s OK, Monica likes his butt too. (So cheer up Renny, you got a prize from this season after all…)
As the girls get tipsier, the guys get little POV medals in their eyes. Soon, Renny is flailing about the kitchen, doing dead-on impersonations of everyone’s unique movements in the Space-Walk competition, which has everyone in stitches. Strangely, the conversation turns to suicide for a while. What the heck kind of wine is BB giving them?
Drunk Renny takes no prisoners
Dan retreats to his bed to psych himself up for a while, chanting “do or die, live or cry” over and over. He also crushes a lollipop and puts the pieces in his shoe, in case the competition takes a long time and he gets hungry. This boy is just hooked up different! (but in a good way…)
Meanwhile, Auntie Mame With Tourettes is still performing in the kitchen, and the girls soon turn maudlin and weepy, professing their love for each other no matter what happens. Keesha remarks, “We’re not acting like fierce competitors, are we?” Soon coffee is made, and they retreat to the bedroom, where Renny continues to have profane outbursts. Her standard response to any BB request now is “Bite me!” She has choice (if slightly slurred) words for everyone there, and for previous hamsters like Steven and Angie, but as a fellow imbiber of spirits, I won’t tell on her. Her impending POV collapse and head-splitting hangover will be her payback.
Let’s Play Trivial Pursuit Till the Sun Comes Up!
Soon it is midnight in the BB house, and as Showtime says goodnight, the feeds go to fishes and trivia, and the POV competition has begun. The conventional wisdom has been that it will be the infamous face-morph challenge, or its poor cousin from BB9, the TV puzzle game. In a bizarre coincidence, I covered this same shift for BB8 last year as a guest writer. Back then, it took over 3 hours to complete, since they each play one at a time, and must keep playing until they solve the puzzle(s), no matter how long it takes. Whoever has the shortest time wins the POV.
Well, history repeats itself this year, and the feeds don’t return for 3 hours. When they do come back, everyone is walking around the house in a daze, silently getting ready for bed. Who won the POV? Memphis changes into his pajamas and gets into bed and stares at the ceiling. Who won the POV? Renny and Keesha wander about the house and then get ready for bed. Jerry has already gone to bed upstairs. Dan takes a shower as the girls get into bed and turn off the lights. The usual loud banter between the Hippie Room dwellers is conspicuously absent tonight. Nobody looks happy. Who won the POV, guys?? Dan exits the shower stall and gets into his black shorts and grooms himself. But his usual monologue that accompanies this ritual is not happening. He gets into bed with his Bible, and then gets up and eats a bowl of cereal in the kitchen, and then gets back into bed and turns out the lights. It is now 7AM on the East Coast.
WHO WON THE FREAKIN’ POV, YOU TWITS!!?
That question remains a mystery until a half-hour before this shift ends. After their wake-up call, the haggard hamsters go about their business, taking showers, getting dressed, eating breakfast, making small talk, and finally, Memphis and Dan retreat to the patio couches and begin planning their strategy for the week because MEMPHIS won the veto. Memphis still wants to save Dan, but he has some conditions: if he takes him down, Dan has to “stop all the antics” from now on and play a cleaner game, or at least one that Memphis can follow. Dan has no problem with that, and the boys’ plan of taking Dan down and putting up Renny seems to be in motion.
It’s nothing personal toward Renny, and their reasoning is sound: they believe Renny is the only one left who could beat everyone else in a Final 2 situation. The one hurdle will be for Memphis to prepare Jerry for all this, to avoid creating another “Judas” moment after the POV meeting. Memphis sits with Jerry and tries to ease into the bombshell by engaging him in playing out all the scenarios for jury votes with the remaining hamsters. Memphis hasn’t quite gotten to the good part when Dan comes out, asking if people want a Swim Club today. Memphis and Jerry will have to continue their talk later.
This new twist for what was once a fearsome foursome certainly has taken its toll on the Alliance Wheel. In fact, it’s not even a wheel anymore:
Has Renny cooked her last Ahi Tuna in the house? Find out tomorrow when AshleyPSU delivers another dispatch from the front lines.
Spanking Dan: Pro or Con? PM me with your opinions. And make it good.