*This is a recap of events from noon Tuesday to noon Wednesday*
I do believe I’m going to send a big old case of diapers to the Big Brother house, seeing as how certain houseguests have taken to throwing temper tantrums and might need their didies changed. Talk about sore losers. Heck, I’ll even throw in a bunch of lip balm, since Ollie and Michelle has decided that hard-core butt kissing is their only chance, since the foul language and property damage did nothing for their cause. Pucker those lips up, y’all. They're about to get all kinds of chapped.
The plan of the day? Is to throw Jerry under the bus, back up and run him over repeatedly. Ollie and Michelle, darlings that they are, plan on trying to scare Renny into seeing that Jerry could take the game if he slides into final two. Apparently Renny and Keesha come as a set: they think if they get Renny to come over to the dark side, Keesha will come too. Renny is the key, Michelle and Ollie say. I’m thinking that key is broken off in the lock, guys, but try if you like.
So Ollie goes to Renny and firmly plants his lips on her behind, telling her how awesome she was for not caving in last week and nominating him. He’s got her back when the going gets tough, claims Ollie. Same load of bull he shoveled out to Dan last week. Ollie slyly (so he thinks) asks Renny if she would “hypothetically” vote out Jerry. Yes, she replies. “Could you get Keesha, too?” he asks hopefully. Affirmative, says Renny. Ollie takes this as a firm commitment (say what?!) and smugly bounces off to tell Michelle. “That’s one!” he gleefully shares. I guess he hasn’t been shamed enough by his April-boffing all over the internets and the neutering he got courtesy of Dan. No sir, Ollie’s going for a third round of embarrassment.
Keesha gets her share of sucking up, too, with Ollie telling her just how much he likes when she wears a ponytail. Pul-lease. Ollie, you’re so transparent. I’m going to be a sport and throw a can of air freshener in that care package to rid the house of that stink of desperation you and Michelle are creating. I can almost smell it from here.
Jerry goes for Dan's favorite pose and fails. FAILS.
Renny seeks out Keesha in the sauna room and spills about her conversation with Ollie. “They’re trying to keep Michelle,” Keesha sagely offers. “That ain’t gonna happen,” retorts Renny. So much for Plan Suck Up. Renny later tells Dan that she was “getting pounded in there,” and he figured that would happen. He tells Renny that he trusts her, and not to worry. But Ollie and Michelle are relentless, and continue their incessant pestering of the women the rest of the afternoon in between stealth whisper-fests that are damn near impossible to translate. Not that you'd want to, anyway.
Dan planted this list:
- Michelle asked if she could talk to Renny alone in the Diary Room so she could have privacy, but she was shot down. Rightfully so.
- Ollie thinks grits and Cream of Wheat are the same thing. Wrong again, you lollipop abuser.
- Dan says that his girlfriend Monica would not want to talk to April at the wrap party. Can you blame the her?
- Michelle’s face is breaking out, and she blames Dan, the plant man.
- Some words of wisdom from Ollie: “This game’s all about timing. That’s what it’s all about.” So sayeth the Minute Man, who knows about timing.
- Michelle says she moved out at age 17 and lived with her fiancee for four years (before he woke up and ran far, far away).
- An 11 year old Renny had to be rescued by boat after Hurricane Betsy.
- Jerry thinks Memphis is silently taunting him whenever he walks by. I am now convinced Jerry needs meds.
- Jerry also said he wants to make voodoo dolls after the show. Yep. Serious meds.
- Keesha claims nobody has ever said anything about her...um...“unique” laugh. At least not to your face, girl.
- Ollie says that Michelle is this year’s Amber. Not because of the beastliness, but because of the constant crying. Michelle is not amused. I am.
Some humor from Ollie: “This is why I can’t even get mad at them, they are so immature.” As opposed to him, of course. Psst, Ollie - I know a few lollipops and a lamp post that would disagree.
Ollie changed his attitude so quickly, Renny got whiplash.
What about Jerry, you ask? Well, I know you don’t care but I’m going to tell you anyway. He spends much of the afternoon muttering filth about Keesha (really, what did she ever do to that miserable old fart?). In between rants about hoping she makes it to the jury house with “no cameras and no microphones” (Oooo, so scary!), Jerry stares blankly at the clothes going round and round in the washing machine. The marvels of modern technology! Then, for sheer entertainment value, he trudges inside to fold his never-ending collection of red shirts and tighty whities. I’m not a believer in folding undies, myself, but whatever floats your creaky old boat, man.
Renny whips up some supper - her therapy is cooking, she says - and the hungry hamsters scarf it down. Cabbage is involoved, and I'm so glad I'm not stuck in that house. The calories give Michelle and Ollie renewed energy to begin ripping on Dan, who was seen smelling his armpits by Michelle. Oh, the horror! He must be....a plant! Michelle carpet bombs the room with a pile of F-bombs, making her family proud while Ollie calls Dan a...um, kitty cat. Use your imagination. Michelle continues with her delusions, thinking Dan is afraid of her *snort* and that he’s not a football coach, he’s a cheerleader. F this and F that, with some mother-f’s thrown in for good measure. Yeah, the mean streets of Rhode Island turned out a real badass in Michelle, didn’t they?
Delicious Hamster Soup: Take warm water. Add two yummy hamsters. Stir gently.
Enough of that. The Fab Four - Renny, Dan, Keesha and Memphis - do abs class after din-din. It’s so sad when I prefer watching people do sit ups than listen to the filth coming out of certain other people’s mouths. Dan is shirtless, Keesha wears her fave baggy butt sweatpants, and Memphis is wearing yet another v-neck tee he must have gotten at Dustin’s House of T-shirts.
Around 8 pm house time, Michelle can be heard sweetly talking to some dude in the Diary Room, flirting and making me nauseous. No F-bombs, here, people, she’s trying to schmooze some booze from BB tonight. Since it’s her last few days in the house and all, she says. Skippy kills the leaked sound, and Michelle eventually goes outside to join Ollie and Jerry, who are screwing up a game of pool. Once a-freaking-gain they bash on Dan and Memphis, who are called wusses, gay, bad at sex, plants, bowlegged, etc. Jerry breaks out his tired-ass “Memphis is fat” and his favorite phrase that he just can’t wait to use - “I can’t believe you were the fastest sperm” - and they all cackle like the morons they are. Oh, and no alcohol. Skippy denied them. Ha!
And just because I’m tired of the sweet America’s Grandpa edit that Jerry’s getting on the show, here’s another classic: “Dan is a f***ing sicko. He f***ing needs his d*** cut off and sewed in his mouth.”
Really now. You eat with that mouth, Jerry?
Being a badass is sooo tiring.
Dan and Memphis quietly play a game of chess while the Three Stooges yuk it up outside, then they join Keesha and Renny for a weird conversation about serial killers and scary stuff. The talk turns to sweet stories about their hometowns, thankfully. Keesha loves going to her mom’s house and sitting on the front porch swing, and Renny talks about her son’s football games. A nice change of pace from the non-stop filth being spouted by the others. They laugh and joke in the hippie room, and Ollie throws a fit because he can’t sleep due to the laughter. He goes outside to play pool alone, pouting.
So, the hippie room inhabitants wind down and laugh themselves to sleep while “The Three Amigos,” as Jerry has dubbed himself, Ollie, and Michelle, eat a few bedtime snacks and come up with yet more conspiracy theories. Their feeble little minds make connections between wake-up songs, happenings in the house, and things Dan has done. Ollie is proud of Michelle for figuring this stuff out, and she knowingly nods that “that’s why she’s on the block, ‘cuz she’s got all the songs figured out.” Mindblowingly stupid, isn’t it, feeders? The braintrust that is Ollie, Michelle, and Jerry finally shut their traps and go off to slumberland to dream the dreams of the ignorant.
Morning comes, and BB has to yell at Renny, Dan, Memphis and Keesha to get up. Repeatedly. The other three are up already, because evil gets up early in the morning to get a headstart. No sooner has a sleepy Keesha wandered out of the bedroom than Michelle hits her with “Have you decided who you’re going to vote for?!” Uh, no, dippy, the girl hasn’t even decided on breakfast yet. Keesha mumbles “no” and goes outside to tell Renny of being accosted. They then wonder why Jerry isn’t even campaigning to stay. Keesha deduces that “there must be a reason” and decides to ask Jerry later, while Ollie and Michelle ponder the meaning of this morning’s wake-up song, The Hokey Pokey. They both repeat the lyrics “Put your head in, then you put your head out” while I bang my head in frustration on the desk....
Thanks to JustJuls for the Renny cap!
Underwear: to fold or not to fold? PM me.