*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday*
The parannoying is still going strong Sunday afternoon, and of course it centers around everyone’s favorite house whipping boy, Dan. Poor Dan has had chubby little hamster fingers pointed his way all season, from being accused of working with Libra to getting paid on a per-poop basis by Big Brother up in the HoH bathroom. Lies, all lies! Well, at least now all the drama surrounding him is of his own making: will he or won’t he keep the Deal of the Century he made with Ollie while hanging on those ropes?
Come on, now. You know the answer to that one.
So do Keesha and Renny, yet they still have a tiny bit of doubt over trusting Dan to keep his word to them. Keesha tells Renny that she’s sure Dan will do them right, but if he doesn’t, Keesha says she’ll whoop his butt and they’ll have to pull her off of him. This, after Ollie blustered around the house threatening to sock Dan in the jaw if he reneged on their deal. Attention, all BB houseguests: the line to kick Dan’s ass forms to the right. No cutting, please.
Keesha and Renny do think they’re sitting pretty if Dan does pull off the plan - the remaining men will all be gunning for each other and all the girls will have to do is sit on the sidelines and let the men take each other out. The blonde and the crazy redhead promise each other loyalty to the end. Aww.
Porn for women: two cute guys doing housework!
By now, everyone and everything in the house knows of the plan, but not all of them are supposed to know. So they have to feign stupidity in front of Dan (which shouldn’t be too hard for a few of them). Jerry being one of them: he wants to go bust Dan’s chops because he knows about the plan, but Ollie tells the old man to chill because he’s not supposed to know anything yet. Wait until after the POV ceremony, says Ollie. Jerry says okay, and goes to lie comatose on the bed as is his usual custom. Dan finds Jerry and they talk about his phone call from home. Jerry gets all patriotic, talking about how America is the best country in the world and how much he loves his wife. “If she’s by the sink when I walk by, I pat her on the ass.” Yeesh. Nothing says I love ya like a whack on the butt while you do dishes, I guess.
The usual lollygagging around the backyard follows. Memphis and Dan goof around in the pool, throwing things at Renny and Keesha until BB bellows at them to stop. Stop having fun, damn you, some of us might be entertained by it! *sigh* Ollie sits alone, probably wishing his little lovemuffin April was still there for some afternoon delight. I know, gag. Jerry staggers outside to join the young’uns while Michelle absentmindedly pokes her belly flab and contemplates her navel.
No, Dan, I didn't eat all your Cheez-its. *crunch crunch*
More fluff than Julie’s hair on eviction night:
- Memphis used to load bags of mulch all day at Lowe’s. He would then go inhale three footlongs at Subway for lunch.
- Michelle fries her eggs in vegetable oil. Ew.
- Neither Memphis nor Keesha have home phones, just cellphones.
- Keesha and Renny discuss fishie names: Elvis and Tokyo, Cheech and Chong, and Thelma and Louise. Even a moth outside gets named Henry.
- Memphis and Dan flipped the broken mattress and discovered that there is no box spring, just three pieces of wood. Cheap ass BB.
- Dan says that if Memphis hadn’t won the veto this week, he would have felt like the biggest dumbass in the history of BB.
- Michelle says she went to Cancun once to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Quit laughing.
- Memphis’ theory on why Jerry won the call: America’s Choice votes can only be cast from landlines. And only old people have landlines. Text *one* for You Don’t Have a Clue...
- Jerry has dubbed Memphis a Future Fat Boy of America. Yeah, I didn’t think it was funny, either.
- If Ollie were stranded on an island, the one food he’d want would be tortilla chips. I know - chips?!
Ooh, a rare flash of insight from our resident blonde, Keesha: when she declares that Dan would take Memphis to final three, Renny exclaims “He’s using us!” Sure, says Keesha, “But we’re using him too. We all just want to get to final four and then it’s anybody’s game.” See, she can squeak out a lucid thought every now and again. Renny mutters, then complains about the America’s Choice phone call again. She’s worried that America hates her, and thinks Jerry might be the popular one. Oh, Renny. They were just pity votes. Don’t stress.
Letting the April-stank air out, Ollie?
Meanwhile, Dan and Memphis retreat to the HoH lair to discuss the loose cannon that is Renny. They agree to keep talking up the final four deal with Keesha and Renny to ease their fears, and determine that pitting Ollie against Renny would be in their best interests. Right on cue, Renny and Keesha slide up to the the HoH room. Renny grills Dan and asks if he’s making any deals on the side. Nope, he says. They all plot to talk to Jerry the night before eviction and dangle this carrot in his face: they’ll keep him in the game if he promises to nominate Ollie, based on the minuscule chance that Jerry wins HoH. Of course, Michelle is a gone girl this week, but Jerry doesn’t know that. At least, that’s the plan as of now. You know how plans go in this house.
Outside, Jerry, Ollie, and Michelle do some plotting of their own. For some reason, they think Keesha is in charge of the Renny-gades upstairs, and some hard-core Keesha bashing ensues. Keesha got April and Angie evicted because she was jealous, says Jerry. Michelle thinks it odd that Keesha’s boyfriend didn’t send her anything when she was HoH - of course, this leads to the thought that there IS no boyfriend outside the house, and maybe Memphis is Keesha’s boyfriend! Or, maybe they’re brother and sister, says Jerry. And then he declares that Keesha is Renny’s daughter-in-law! Ollie, bright guy that he is, falls for this bull and thinks Jerry should put a bug in Dan’s ear about how shady Keesha is. Oh, and they think Jerry’s phone call is proof that they’re on the “right” side of the house. Stupidity knows no bounds with this group, I’m telling you.
The snickering and plotting continue between the two groups all afternoon, so I’ll spare you the rehashing and talking in circles. Lather, rinse, repeat. And repeat. And repeat again. Dan worries about Michelle unleashing the crazy on him when she gets put on the block and wonders where he can hide for the duration while Memphis laughs. “It’s gonna be a s*** show,” Memphis grins. Ollie, Jerry, and Michelle giggle that Dan is being raked over the coals upstairs by Memphis, Renny, and Keesha. If only they knew...
Wait, I know the answer to this one. Ouch, never mind, thinking makes my head hurt.
As they sit outside and cackle, Michelle screams out “Banner plane! Banner plane!” Skippy doesn’t appreciate that and throws us in the fish tank while Michelle gets a smackdown. There was a banner plane, but it was for freaking Coors Lite. Jerry and Ollie come up with the brilliant plan to tell the others it said “Keesha lies, love Monica,” or “We love Dan, Keesha is a liar.” Been there, done that, guys.
Renny whips up some yummy-looking fajitas (Michelle didn’t know what a fajita was, poor thing) while Jerry and Keesha whip up some drama outside. Keesha accuses him of lying, he says he’s never lied, she doesn’t listen, blah blah blah. Keesha stomps off and tells Renny all about it, while Jerry gripes about Keesha to Ollie and Michelle. The story is soon relayed to everyone in the house within ten minutes. Everyone wanders inside to chow down except for Keesha, who sulks alone outside in the hammock, wondering why nobody comes outside to share in her anguish.
After the food is inhaled and table manners are all but forgotten, hamsters begin filing up to the HoH room to hold court with Dan, one by one. Michelle and Ollie take turns blowing smoke up Dan’s skirt, then Jerry, who tries to pull off their little plan of making Keesha seem untrustworthy. He even goes so far as to tell Dan that he overheard Keesha and Memphis talking about how they’d split the money and go have a blast in Tahoe (lies, all lies!). Dan smiles, nods, looks intently, and pretends to listen to their “concerns.” Then blows them off as soon as the door closes behind them, sharing all with his cohorts Renny, Memphis, and Keesha. Ha!
Dan must have done one hell of an acting job, because Ollie saunters downstairs after his Dan chat to tell Michelle and Jerry that Dan is just looking for a reason to put up Keesha or Renny. “He’s trying to catch Keesha or Renny in a lie right now,” crows Ollie. Michelle and Jerry grin evil grins and talk of Dan throwing people under buses. Wait until tomorrow when they find out that they’re the ones with tire marks on their backs.
The hammies wind down with games of pool, a couple of bottles of wine, and a few beers (Memphis hid some from Michelle). They talk of game shows - Dan wants to be on the Price is Right - and Renny brings up the infamous “up the butt, Bob” contestant from the Newlywed Game. Renny starts a game of “Who Am I,” where they guess occupations by answering questions. Renny was an astronaut, Memphis a pimp, and Keesha a flight attendant. Renny and Dan have to explain to Keesha what “civil service” means. Poor Keesha.
In the sauna, Michelle is sharing with Ollie how she’s been so good in the house and has held her tongue (?!). Her family is probably wondering where the real Michelle is, she says. She also goes on to say that alcohol is like a truth serum for her, she gets sloshed and tells people how she really feels. She’s such a badass, her own family had her locked up (again, ?!). If her own family would do that to her, nobody in this house could do anything to bother her. I’m off to search for what badass Michelle was locked up for...
Ollie, boring thing that he is, goes off to bed while Renny continues making as much noise as humanly possible, munching anything crunchy she can get her hands on: popcorn, crackers, chips, etc. Dan throws a bucket of cold water on Keesha in the shower in retaliation for something (I know not what) while Michelle fries up an egg and pile-of-cheese sandwich. Yet she complained of being fat earlier. Go figure. Keesha giggles herself to sleep over Tahoe-gate, Renny bitches that it’s too hot, and Ollie tells Michelle to quit with the baby talk. This will be the only time I say this: Thank you, Ollie!
I'll have some chocolate milk with a side of sweaty buttcheek, thanks.
Morning arrives, and Dan has a new plan. He wants to make the POV ceremony as dramatic as possible, so he wants each person to take turns around the table and name who they want as the replacement nominee. Dan asked Ollie to say “Renny,” and Michelle to say “Keesha.” He wants Renny and Keesha to say “Michelle,” and while Keesha is fine with it, Renny balks, thinking it will make her and Keesha look bad. But, Dan wants his fireworks! Renny thinks Dan is copping out, and trying to lay some of the crap at their feet instead of taking the heat for breaking his deal. Memphis wisely tells Dan that it’s not smart to piss off one of their allies. Dan then changes his plan to have Renny say Ollie’s name instead, and she agrees. But is still pissed.
Ollie goes to Dan and pushes for a Keesha nomination, still thinking that Dan will put either Renny or Keesha up. Silly, silly Ollie. I really don’t know what Dan is trying to accomplish with this new “plan,” except to make good TV, I guess. He thinks veto meetings are boring (they are!). Not only is Dan about to kick the hornet’s nest right off the tree, but there’s a double eviction coming up that they know nothing about. Now that’s good TV! As my shift ends, an outdoor lockdown is called to prepare for the veto ceremony. Get that popcorn ready, feed watchers, the proverbial hamster poo is about to hit the fan....
*Huge thanks to JustJuls for the superb caps!
What food would you want if you were stranded on an island? PM me.