*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday*
Lollipops? I voted for coconuts, dammit. Lollipops are good for a sugar buzz, but think of the damage coconuts could have done. And the entertainment value! Get the hamsters a couple six packs and let them loose - just think of the possibilities! Beer pong with coconuts. Craft time with coconuts. Coconuts stuffed into drunken hamster's clothing. A stray coconut dropped from the balcony on top of April's head. *sigh* I weep for what could have been.
My shift starts with Salon de Renny in full swing - she’s managed to finally chop off about five pounds of Dan’s hair after he hemmed and hawed all morning. I think when she threatened him with bodily harm it helped to make his mind up. Hey, a pissed off Renny holding a pair of scissors is enough to send most hamsters cowering. And, since Skippy isn’t paying me any attention and hasn’t went out for the arts and crafts kits I wanted last week, may I suggest they gather up all the shorn locks on the floor and make a companion for Holly the poodle? Hey, a couple of stuffed tube socks, some glue, a couple pounds of Dan’s hair, some buttons for eyes - voila, a new stuffed animal!
Ollie wishes he, too, could get a haircut. But he'd need hair for that.
Next in line for a trim is Michelle. Better break out the heavy duty shears! Be brave, Renny, be brave. Renny snips off the ends of Michelle’s ‘do as The Hairy One shares the story of how her hair was “way past her boobs” until BB came along and made her cut and color it. Can you imagine Michelle with even more hair? Dan comes in to sweep up the mess on the floor, then wanders the house singing about ant traps and bananas. The coven whispers about the possibility of Dan’s reluctance to get his hair done as being another AP task. Don’t ask, I don’t know why. Happy with her trim, Michelle moves the groom-a-thon to the backyard, where she shaves the fur off Memphis’ back with the clippers.
Okay, I know this sucks. I can hear you now: But, waywyrd, we don’t want to read about haircuts and ant traps and banana songs and back hair. Where’s the good stuff? There IS no good stuff. It’s either this or read a description of the dentally-bereft Jerry trying to eat a lollipop with his fakies in. See? Now, grab a banana or something to snack on and bear with me...
Ah, here’s the thankfully got-her-period April, looking forlorn and pitiful, wrinkling up that enormous forehead so much that she looks like an albino Shar-Pei. Ollie takes notice (he’d better, or face her wrath later) and asks her if she’s okay. I’m fine, she replies. So fine that she goes to read her old HoH letter and begins sniffling back the tears. The thought of spending a week alone in sequester with Libra is enough to do that to anyone. Ollie joins her and gets all supportive, spouting off time-honored gems like “be strong.” Yeah, that did the trick. The waterworks subside and they begin plotting how they can get Dan’s vote to keep April in the house.
Don't tase me, bro! I promise I won't use the veto!
Oops, looks like old man Jerry has gotten to Dan first. He corners a wide-eyed Dan in the storage room, offering up an apology for his asshattery of late and takes back his stupid Judas comment. Dan is polite, if dumbstruck, and listens to Jerry ramble on about how he was acting like a street fighter. A street fighter?! Excuse me while I clean up the tea I just sprayed on my monitor in a fit of laughter. Jerry continues, playing the old man card and boo-hooing about how he feels Michelle has abandoned him this week and how he’s counting on Memphis and crew to keep him in the game. If Dan sees fit to save Jerry, he’ll return the favor later. Yep, now that Jerry’s wrinkled old butt is on the chopping block, he’s all kinds of sorry for calling people womanizers and Judas and wishing they’d burn in hell. As Jameka would say, Mmmmmhmmmm.
I will make this note: Jerry was wearing his "I cannot tell a lie" Marines hat. Take that as you please.
An hour later, April skanks her way over to Dan in the pool and asks for his vote. She tells him that she’s got Michelle’s vote if she can get his, and goes on about how she’s not a great competitor and that Jerry has won three comps already. She also offers up protection for Dan next week if he’ll save her, and tells him that Ollie will be along soon to browbeat him with the same nonsense.
Things you may or may not want to know:
- April claims that she may get kicked off the show for kicking Keesha’s ass in the jury house.
- Michelle uses horse shampoo on her hair. The jokes just write themselves here.
- April said she could see herself marrying Ollie. Run, Ollie, run!
- Memphis ponders whether you can go insane from boredom. Check back with me in a few weeks, man.
- Michelle had to wear an eye patch for six months. The day she took it off, her brother whacked her in the eye with a Barbie head and she had to wear it another six months.
- Keesha almost choked on steak once and had the Heimlich performed on her.
- Jerry says he hasn’t even used his favorite line yet, and probably won’t with the people left in the house. He says he could have used it on Libra.
- Memphis says he almost caught Jessie’s athlete’s foot. Ew.
- April doesn’t like her designer duds and won’t wear them (they’re “not her taste”) and says she might use them to bribe Michelle.
- Ollie says April should have her back waxed. I just wanted that out there on the internet.
Upstairs in the HoH lair, Keesha and Renny are parannoying about Memphis. Renny thinks he’s strutting around like he’s got the game wrapped up already, and Keesha chimes in that Michelle is doing the same thing. They both think Memphis and Michelle have a final two thingie going, and have brought Dan in, but just to use him. Not one to screw around, Renny calls Michelle up to the HoH room to quiz her. Michelle asks what Jerry knows, and Renny replies “Jerry doesn’t know s***.” Michelle, resident conspiracy theorist, shares that she thinks Jerry may be making nice with the guys in a grand plan to screw the girls over. Renny goes fishing, asking Michelle “how about if Memphis goes?” Michelle isn’t down with that, bringing up Dan’s name instead. Uh, that’s not an option this week, girl. Michelle pushes for April to stay, insisting they can squeeze a promise out of her.
Yeah, she makes us all want to gag, Michelle.
Alas, the paranoia didn’t take root. As soon as Michelle leaves, Renny hisses “See? She doesn’t want Memphis out!” Keesha, master strategist, declares that she knows what Michelle is up to now - she’s in cahoots with Ollie and April, because she’s seen the three of them whispering together. Oh, noes! But Keesha’s not having it. No way is she voting for April to stay, she says. Keesha tells Renny that she trusts Dan because he tells her things that he doesn’t tell anyone else. Renny nods, saying that Dan hasn’t given her a reason not to trust him.
Right on cue, Dan comes up to the HoH room and Renny grills him on the other hamsters. Dan shares that he wants April gone this week, Jerry the next. He says that April offered him money to keep her, but didn’t say how much. Jerry didn’t cough up any moolah, just the apology. Renny throws all the time Dan spends with Memphis in his face, and he says they’re not allies, they just have a common target in Jerry. Keesha and Dan leave the interrogation, and on the way down the stairs, Keesha tells Dan that she thinks Renny has something going with Ollie. Ugh. I can’t keep up with these people, I need MFWalkoff’s Alliance Wheel.
Dinner time, and steaks are on the menu. BB also gave them a handful of beers and some wine (cheap asses). Jerry sits pitifully outside, alone, lamenting the fact that he’s on slop and is missing his favorite meal: grilled cow. Keesha passes on the steak dinner, while poor Memphis gets called to the Diary room right as he sits down to eat. While they stuff their faces, Michelle shares that she was told she looked like Amber, while Keesha was told she looked like Danielle. Ya think? Memphis says he doesn’t see either resemblance (?!), and Michelle claims that people always tell her she looks like Katherine Zeta-Jones or Selma Hayek. *snort* I’m leaving this conversation now, my monitor can’t take another dousing of tea.
Did you hear about the blonde who invented the solar flashlight?
Keesha and Michelle get slightly soused after partaking the wine while the guys chug the beer. They all wander off after dinner, and Dan tells Memphis that there’s a $5,000 price tag on the veto if he takes April down. Memphis says if Dan uses the veto on April, Keesha will be done with them. D-U-N done. Dan then asks what Memphis thinks about a super-secret alliance with Ape and Ollie, but Memphis dismisses this, saying Ollie is a “worthless piece of s***.” I think Dan’s just throwing ideas out there, and not seriously contemplating them. At least, I hope not.
Back to bitching about the booze, Keesha complains loudly about some girl in the Diary Room who is supposedly limiting the alcohol and being nasty to the women in the house, but flirting with the menfolk. “James and Ryan would never do that s***,” Keesha screeches in that dolphin-squeal of her. Renny brings up some guy named Nick, causing flirty Michelle to perk up. Keesha wants to talk to BB about her unfair treatment by the DR girl, and we get thrown in the fishtank for the umpteenth time tonight. Once the feeds are back, there are no more mentions of mean DR girls. Hmm.
Oh, well. Ice cream sundaes are made for those who can eat them, Jerry tries to get on Renny’s good side (too late, bub), and Ollie proves just how stupid he is by declaring how he’ll act like a 6 year old if his booty buddy is kicked out. But, yeah, he insists that he’s just playing for himself. April, for her part, says she just might act like a flaming bitch for the rest of the week. And this would be different from last week how...? Dan tells Keesha about the money April offered him, and she says he has to do what’s best for him. Michelle starts up with that incredibly annoying baby talk crap starring Holly the stuffed poodle, a toy phone and make-believe pizza orders. Really. And the hamsters call it a night around midnight. Whee. Gotta love Sundays in the BB house.
It ain't easy being sleazy.
But wait! A bit more of Dan nervousing about the money, as he gets up from his usual horizontal position and goes to talk to Renny in her lair. He admits that he’s been tempted with five grand and how much money that is to him, and Renny counters with the fact that he’d lose the chance to win half a million if he took April’s deal. Plus, it would be really stupid. He seems to have decided to turn April down, but doesn’t want Renny to think him weak for considering it. She doesn’t, she says.
Morning arrives, and the hamsters primp for the upcoming veto ceremony, which does NOT happen on my shift. All I get are haircuts and whining, dammit. Michelle fluffs, April sprays, and Jerry pouts while Ollie puts some mascara on his soul patch. For real. Thankfully, Skippy throws me back in the fishtank before Ollie breaks out the eyeshadow and we await word of the veto meeting: will Dan use it or won’t he? Stay tuned...
*Thanks to JustJuls and Just Sayin once again for their perfect screencaps!