After meathead, Jessie, was muscled out last week and sent back to his smelly gym (where he is probably fondling his weights even as I'm writing this), his wannabe girlfriend Michelle, all frizzy haired and unitarded, avenged his ouster by becoming HoH and nominating two of the meathead's executioners to the block. Vindictive old man, Jerry, won the veto, but - after a ridiculously grandstanding speech - "decided" not to use it. Oh, he called it “respecting the HoH” or some such crap, but we all know he's just another self-important idiot with a God complex. There's at least one of them on every season. Yawn. And that's your Big Brother week in a nutshell. With Libra and Keesha on the block, whoever goes home tonight is pretty much a win-win for me. One whiny bitch versus another whiny bitch is really not what I call a big drama.
You will always be my Judas!
We start off, as usual, with the last Veto meeting and it's aftermath. Jerry's indulgent little speech, full of puzzling hatred towards Dan and an unnatural fixation on Judas, left the houseguests scratching their heads and, ironically, with a clearer picture of Jerry himself. It's probably clear to them as it is clear to me that Jerry needs to either double his meds or loosen his girdle. Or both. Libra is a bit put out and confesses in the DR that Jerry should forget about the Marines and loyalty and get with the Big Brother stab-in-the-back program, which pretty much just means that she was pissed that he didn't take her off the block. Yeah, cry me a river! Renny says Jerry's rant made him look worse.
After the ceremony, Dan maintains that he did not sell out anybody and the hamsters slink off to various parts of the house – as far away from Jerry as possible – to digest what happened. Memphis and Michelle share their shock in the HoH room; Memphis can barely wrap his brain around so much hatred. They agree that Jerry just put a bullseye on his own back. Maybe Big Brother will give them bows and arrows this week. That might even make me turn on my feeds!
Elsewhere in the house, Libra feels the need to apologize to a subdued Dan for being called Judas. While he appears dejected and hurt in front of his fellow hamsters, in the Diary Room, Dan is exuberant. He feels that Jerry may have just handed him the pity card which is not a bad card to hold. Even as Libra consoles Dan, and assures Keesha she is not getting evicted, Libra knows that her days in the house are numbered.
Who wants an April doll?
Did you know that April hates Keesha? Just in case you missed the previous episodes – all of them – April is here to say that she thinks Keesha is a liar, a manipulator, and as she so eloquently put it to her boytoy Ollie, “I don't trust the bitch as far as I can throw her”. She gets more fired up as they talk by the hot tub, saying that Keesha is getting away with evicting Jessie and furthermore Keesha hates April. I'm sure you don't care why, but get this, April thinks Keesha hates her because April is prettier than Keesha. Oh, and they need to get her out because Keesha never want to college. Imagine that monumental sin! What? Did you think it was something that actually made sense? You need to stop doing that. It can only lead to disappointment when it comes to this bunch of dolts.
Would you be my sweet rebel partner?
On another front, Keesha gets some solid support from Dan and Memphis who decide to form an alliance in which the two of them would be the main members, while Keesha and Renny would be their helpers. Expendable helpers. Dan has even been thinking up names for this alliance. Hey! They do have a lot of free time on their hands after all. He favors Wild Mustangs but when Memphis chimes in with The Renegades they both agree that it's a keeper. As founding members of The Renegades they quickly move on to the part where they establish some governing rules for their new union. Rule #1 is that there should be no talk of The Renegades, not even to Keesha. I wonder how they came up with that one. It will all be on a need to know basis, and she just doesn't need to know. Alas, while they would both want to practice a secret handshake to go with their newfangled super secret alliance, they cannot. That pesky HoH spy screen and all that. Wouldn't want to jeopardize their sweet partnership so soon!
Getting down to flip
Even as Memphis and Dan revel in their blossoming relationship, the other couple in the house, Ollie and April, move their plotting to a bed. They take up their favorite position with Ollie right on top of April, presumably to fool the HoH spy cam, but I think we all know better. They whisper about Libra and roll over, I mean, mull over some possibilities. They embrace the idea of trying to save Libra, in exchange for her not putting them up. The Ollie/April/Jerry block will be voting to get out Keesha but they see Dan as their problem. Their missionary position, I mean, mission, is to get Dan to consider his standing as an outcast in the Keesha/Renny/Memphis alliance and presumably offer him a different outcast position in their own. Clever! Ollie wants to finish off with a blindside, one they won't see coming. Satisfied after their successful bedding, I mean, plotting, April and Ollie relax with smiles on their faces.
Putting their horizontally hatched plot into motion, Ollie arranges a secret meeting with Libra in the Storage Room. To indicate that he is on a secret mission, he wears a bucket hat and sweatshirt zipped up all the way. Very sneaky! He tells Libra that he and April want to pull a big upset in the house and “flip it” again. He lays out the plan which pretty much involves Libra saving herself by going begging for Dan's help. Libra knows she has few options and not much to lose. She immediately approaches Dan, who is washing dishes with April. She takes him off to the super duper secret spy room, otherwise known as the Storage Room, to “see where [his] head is”. Dan is open to new things but needs more information to which Libra tells him that “there might be a split” but that she needs Dan's vote because in a tie Michelle would surely boot Libra. Dan knows that keeping Libra in the house would benefit him because she'd be a big target, but Keesha would be mad at him because he knows she's counting on his vote. Either way, he's got a decision to make and he'll think about it.
Sometimes our hamsters have such animal instincts in the Diary Room:
Know thy Libra
- Jerry: Keesha is playing the Memphis card and Jerry would like to destabilize Memphis by evicting her. He says the two-headed snake needs to have one head cut off. And he'd probably do the cutting if somebody would just give him a bayonet, damn it.
- Ollie: He just wants to send a message that Keesha barked up the wrong tree, and the tree will fall on her. Can't he just tell her that loud barking can fell trees and be done with it?
- April: Keesha is a liar, backstabber and she laughs like a hyena. April wants to save America from the evils of Keesha's hyena laugh. Because listening to a bottle blond hen is so much better!
Did you ever feel a burning need to find out more about Libra? I didn't think so but CBS insists that we must find out what makes her tick. It was a toss-up between footage of the astroturf growing in the backyard or a tribute to Libra. First we get Libra explaining to Dan about a charm bracelet she wears to remind her of her kids and she says that she wouldn't be in the house if her hubby back home didn't support her. Cue the violins, because it's sentimental road trip time! We go straight to Houston, TX, where we meet Libra's husband, Scott. He encouraged Libra to go on TV because she had a chance to have an experience that few people have ever had. Aside from that, Libra's mom is there to help with the kids while Libra is off experiencing. Back in the house, Libra bonds with Renny over the fact that they're both mothers. Scott feels that Libra could secure their children's future by being on the show and was glad Libra chose the Hawaiian trip over the letter. However, hubby was mad that Michelle said that Libra's kids should be taken away from her because Michelle lost a trip to Hawaii.
Judas and the wonderful people
Julie's weekly communion with the houseguests starts off with a question to Dan about his religion and whether his faith has an impact on his game play? The camera pans to Jerry's stony face as Dan admits that his faith does play a part, and after all his mistakes and missteps he'll be going to a long confession after the game is over. Exciting. Next up is Jerry, who is quizzed about calling Dan Judas. He thinks Dan's religion became a prop in the game for Dan, which is wrong in Jerry's eyes, and he's only partly sorry for what said. But, I assume, not really. Memphis is asked as well, and he says he doesn't like personal attacks and he'll stand up for people he likes. Aside from that, Judas hung himself, just in case you didn't know. In closing, Renny was surprised by all the “wonderful  young people” she came to know in the house. I wonder who those wonderful people are...
Somewhat less animally inclined reasoning:
- Memphis: He wants to keep Keesha because he's a good judge of character and feels that Keesha is honest with him. Let's talk after a couple more episodes, shall we?
- Renny: Keesha is her best ally and best friend and they want to go to the end together. And here I thought they bonded over who can slather on more makeup!
- Dan: He'd keep Keesha because they like each other, but he'd also like to keep Libra because she's a big troublemaker and pot-stirrer in the house and that helps Dan. Even Renegades need help!
One less whiny bitch
In the weekly segment entitled Waste Time with the HoH, Julie talks to Michelle about her friendship with April. Michelle offers up a convoluted explanation about how April got hurt because her word to Michelle was broken and the other girls turned on her while Michelle keeps her word in the house. Whatever. Quizzed about whether she regrets saying that Libra should have her kids taken away and Dan should burn in hell, Michelle says she regrets saying those things and she talks a lot without thinking first. Or later either, in my opinion, but I digress. There's more about Michelle's prized letter from home but I accidentally fast forwarded through that rubbish. Sorry.
Back in the Living Room, Julie calls on the two nominees to make their final
uselessplea. Keesha starts off by saying there are no hard feelings if she gets evicted and she takes responsibility for her actions. She almost sounds giddy saying that if evicted she'll be looking forward to meeting one of them in the Jury House next week. Libra babbles badly about the ever-changing game, how she is proud and tall and finally that they all need to think for themselves and it's just a game. Suddenly everyone is such an upstanding citizen, they almost make my heart melt! Yeah. Not really. One by one Renny, Memphis, Jerry, Dan, Ollie and April all vote to evict Libra. So much for flipping the house and other heroics. By a vote of 6-0, Libra is shoveled out the front door. Some customary fake hugs ensue after which Libra quickly slinks off to meet with Julie.
Libra blamed the breakup of her alliance on the Type A personality problems between Keesha, April and herself. She claims that some credit for all the evictions goes to her, but not all, while at the same time she was almost starting to call herself “The Puppetmistress”. Of course. She answers her critics, saying she came on to win the money for her kids and to grab the chance to do something different. After a few goodbye messages, Libra is off to the Jury House and we're on to the new HoH competition.
Who said what
The competition is called Diary Room Confessions. The hamsters are seated in the backyard, separated by dividing walls, each holding a remote. Each question will center around an evicted houseguest's confession in the Diary Room. They must buzz in first to guess who gave the statement. A wrong answer means elimination, while a right answer means they get to eliminate another houseguest from the game. Renny buzzes in first and guesses correctly, eliminating April. Dan buzzes in next and eliminates Jerry. Ollie buzzes in next but is incorrect, and is eliminated. Memphis is out next with a wrong answer, followed by Dan with another wrong answer. This leaves Keesha and Renny to battle it out. Renny correctly guesses the last question, thus becoming the new HoH.
Now that we have a new HoH, it's time to turn to more pressing matters such as food. Since most everyone will be on slop next week, America, you can vote to supplement their meager diet by voting to add either giant lollipops, coconuts or bologna to their menu. Do not slack off, America! This is a crucial, crucial vote and we all must do our part in making sure they get giant sugar-laden lollipops to suck on all week.
Want to know who Renny wants to hang out to dry? Curious about the next Veto winner? It's all coming your way next week on Big Brother. Skip the dreary TV spectacle and cozy up with a good recap instead from Yardgnome and iguanachocolate. I'll be bringing you all the eviction fun next week when we get rid of another one of our furry friends.
Should you even apply for Big Brother without a college degree, breast implants or hair dyed a color not found in nature? PM me.