*This is a recap of events from noon Wednesday to noon Thursday*
Seriously, now, Big Brother, it’s time to break out the hamster toys and alleviate some of this boredom that’s running rampant in the house (and in our houses as we fight to stay awake watching these dolts). How about some games, checkers, a deck of cards, anything? It doesn’t look like you cast a bunch of chess whizzes, so something else would be much appreciated. What happened to the trampoline you gave season 7? Or the Jenga game that Dr. Will threatened to burn? Sheesh, send Skippy to the Dollar Store with a couple bucks and get a few arts and crafts kits. We’re begging you.
So, yeah. My shift starts out with Libra still pouting about not wanting to let Michelle take pictures of her for the HoH blog. I’m sure it had something to do with the fear of being disrespected, which has become this season’s “thrown under the bus.” Libra insists that she’s “not going to be fake” while she’s in the house - nah, she’s just going to be a nasty bitch. You can be nice these last few days all you want, Libs, but we remember how you’ve been since day one. You’re not fooling us. Libra and Keesha pack their crap in preparation for eviction night, and Libra has resigned herself to the fact that she’s toast. Or...is she? More on that later. For now, she’s milking the poor me thing for all it’s worth.
Don't get excited, those are just his toes down there.
Jerry is still on his creepy Dan fixation, this time bending Ollie’s ear about Dan’s “horrible, horrible body.” Okay, Jerry. Speaking as someone who appreciates the form of those with Y chromosomes, Dan’s bod is not like you make it out to be, you withered old fart. I’m all for respecting my elders, but I’ve had it with you, Jerry. Shut your piehole already. Jerry is beginning to run out of Dan insults and has turned his evil eye on Keesha, who has dared to act cocky and confident about staying in the house. She’s already wanting to request mascara for when she wins HoH. Rut roh!
Ollie and April are skanking it up elsewhere, and we learn that April weighed 118 pounds at one point. Oh, no! Ollie thinks that is a good weight for her, saying she would fill out better with a few pounds on her bones. April is aghast at the thought. She also wants us to know that she’s 5'2" and a half, people. Don’t call her 5'2", she’ll get pissed. Oh, and she also shares that she’s a shoe gal, not caring much for purses and such. Let me go pour myself a big ol’ cup of don’t give a damn and switch feeds....
And I get Jerry talking about living in a commune with eight wives, motioning like he’s having sex, complete with sound effects.....
Okay, here’s Keesha, having spackled on five pounds of makeup to do the laundry, and Libra, plucking her eyebrows with fervor and talking about how she’s done talking about the game. Then proceeds to talk about the game. Oh, brother. Afternoon feeds are a blast. Thankfully, Dan and Renny have a mock fight, zinging one liners back and forth. She gives him hell for voting for Brian in week one instead of her, and jokingly tells him his cooking strategy isn’t going to get him anywhere. Soon, it’s time for the Craig Ferguson taping and we get fishies. No more dead ones this afternoon, but it looks like the black fish alliance has managed to kill off all but one of the spotted fish. He'd better win Head of the Tank this week or he's done for.
Mmm, mmm. Lip smackin' good.
While we wait for them to come back....some trivia!
- Keesha complained about some bruises on her arm, but Libra says that’s impossible because she didn’t have enough iron in her body. IQs everywhere plummet.
- Libra thinks she’s going to get to see her kids in the jury house. I’m thinking not.
- Libra says she’s “like an elephant.” No, no, not like that. She meant she never forgets anything. "It's on the tapes!"
- Jerry shares that he almost crapped his pants during that first comp where Memphis won the car. Thought you might want to know that.
- April predicts that the final three will be Ollie, Renny, and Michelle. I like that, especially since April’s not in it.
- Keesha needs some more mascara, y’all. She’s almost out, and that would indeed be a tragedy.
- Memphis’s crazy friend is running his MySpace while he’s in the house, and he’s a little worried about what his friend will put on there.
- Keesha thinks Dan is a virgin, but Michelle and Memphis don’t agree.
- April is livid that BB didn’t give her bottled water when she was on slop, telling her to drink from the tap instead. They should have made her drink from the hose outside. Or the pool.
- Jerry is going to contact the Guinness Book of Records and try to become the oldest reality show contestant.
Back from the taping! Whee. Apparently April thought it would be a good idea to wear the afro wig on the show, but Keesha, Renny, and Memphis snicker over how stupid she looked. Dan assumes his usual horizontal position, talking out loud and going through the alphabet, naming things to do that begin with each letter. Sort of. Like: Don’t eat slop, start swim club, play chess, imitate everyone in the house....you get the idea. Memphis is vegged out on a chair in the backyard, not really paying Dan any attention. Libra returns to packing her crap, and a bouncy Keesha asks if they’re going to wear the same color. No, grunts a mopey Libra. She wants your pity, not to wear matching outfits.
The magic is gone....*sniff*
Keesha’s obvious cheer at “knowing” that Libra will be evicted is grating on Jerry’s old coot nerves, and a coup is begun. Jerry, Ollie, and April hatch a plan to get Keesha voted out, and work on Michelle for a vote, thinking that Dan and his gnarly body will agree to vote out Keesha (per Libra’s begging earlier in the day). Michelle would be the tie-breaker. Michelle still wants Libra out and lets that be known, but the Evil Three hold out hope. Dan later tells Michelle of his conversation with Libra, and she tells him that he’d better vote to keep Keesha and not Libra. Or she'll, like, smother him with her hair. Michelle wants Dan to find out who the other three votes for Libra will be. Seriously, is it that hard to figure out?
Outside, Keesha’s spidey sense is kicking in and she has a feeling that things could flip against her. And, Jerry is crowing to nobody in particular that he has never broken his word or lied. Never! Never ever! Except for those times that he did lie...
Paws off, Keesha. He's taken. By us.
I could recap the inane conversation between Ollie, April, Jerry, and that lover of conspiracy theories, Michelle, but I won’t bother. Just go back and pick a random recap from the past week, because it’s the same old rehashed leftovers. Dan is weird! Dan is working with Libra as co-America’s Players! It doesn’t make sense that Dan switched sides like that! Sing along with me - second verse, same as the first. The only noteworthy thing to come out of this drivel is April’s misguided statement that there’s no way Dan can win HoH because he’s already America’s Player. This is me, pointing at you and laughing, April. Ha!
Once they’re all done flapping their gums about nothing, a few snacks are noshed upon (slop balls, anyone?) and they crawl into bed. Keesha and Renny try to come up with a plan to scare Memphis later, with Keesha wanting to put whipped cream on Memphis’ head. Hmm. Whipped cream + Memphis sounds like a good combo to me! Ollie rubs the top of his head while he sleeps - huh? - while Michelle listens to her headphones and reads her letter with stuffed dog Holly, talking in that godawful baby voice of hers. I....I just can’t with you, Michelle.
It's so hard to get skank off your teeth.
BB wakes the hamsters a little before 10 am the next morning, a pissy BB voice booming over the speakers for Keesha and Renny to get up. Except, Keesha is already up, brushing her teeth. Way to pay attention, BB. Dan is next to be yelled at while April, Ollie, and a shirtless Jerry (there goes my lunch) whisper about the upcoming HoH comp and how they think it will involve secrets. April pisses and moans about how the late night munchie people kept her awake. It was very rude of them, unlike her getting nailed by Ollie while other people are in the room. Rude, I tell ya. As the noon hour approaches, the hamsters are herded into the HoH room for a lockdown, and I leave you with the last thing I heard before cutting my feeds off, a conversation Jerry had with his wife before leaving:
Jerry’s wife: “Jerry, don’t you be crawling into bed with any of those young women.”
Jerry: “Don’t worry, if I do, it will only be foreplay.”
May I never type that sentence again.
*Big thanks to AshleyPSU, Snapit, and JustJuls for the super caps!