*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday*
I think I’m going to take up a collection and buy a couple of those t-shirts that say “Instant Idiot - Just Add Alcohol” for some of our charming ladies of the house after Saturday night’s stupidity. Of course, a few of our lovely houseguests don’t need a single drop of booze to be jackasses (lookin’ at you, Jerry). You’d think those involved would show a little embarrassment over their behavior, maybe apologize or at least lay low. But you’d be wrong! There is no shame in Hamsterland this morning.
As my shift starts, they’re still dragging themselves out of bed at the crack of noon after the drunken antics of the night before. Stuffed full of lobster, steak, wine, and overinflated egos, they crashed pretty hard. A ragged looking Keesha plops herself outside next to Ollie and they engage in some Libra bashing, with Keesha bitching about Libra’s habit of throwing out snide comments to anyone within earshot. Apparently Libra thinks she’s going home (ya think?!) and is proudly claiming that it’s because she’s a better competitor. Keesha takes this as a personal insult, thinking it insinuates that she’s a sucky competitor. Well, if the D cups fit, hon...
Renny does her best Cappy impersonation.
Inside, Renny and Michelle attempt to clean up the kitchen after the disastrous feast. Dirty dishes, stray lobster tails, all sorts of junk litter the kitchen. You’d think the resident OCD’er, April, would be all out of sorts at such a mess. Nah. She can’t even remember to use condoms or to cover herself while she and Ollie are playing Hide the Salami. Messy countertops are nothing to her. OCD my ass.
- At one point during the drunken bitchfest last night, Renny was instructed to gather up the steak knives and take them to the DR. Really, can you blame BB? These fools are certifiable.
- Renny is highly displeased that someone has been wiping their behinds with the baby wipes and throwing them in the trash instead of flushing them. Nobody owns up to it, but Jerry seems to be the suspect. And I apologize if you’re currently eating.
- Jerry had a twenty sneeze attack! One more and he could have called it a twenty one sneeze salute.
- Jerry, the pot bellied, foul-mouthed old man, says that Dan has the ugliest body in the whole house. He also calls him a “bowlegged c***sucker.” Charming, yes?
- Dan has been trying to attract birds to the backyard by tempting them with bread. Alas, even the birds want nothing to do with this group.
- April thinks Keesha is just jealous because she knows that April is prettier than her. Ape says Keesha isn’t too smart, and is just a Hooters girl, after all.
- Memphis is finally free of his Onion Ring!
- April says she currently weighs 104.3 pounds. Eighteen of those pounds are pure bitch.
Pity party alert in the storage room! Libra is crying on Dan’s shoulder. She’s tired, everything is on her, she can’t deal, boo hoo. Dan tells her to get bent. No, he’s a sweetie and tries to cheer her up, telling her to be strong. She sniffs the tears away and goes to brush her teeth, because all the filth that came out of her mouth last night left a really bad aftertaste.
Jerry is an ass. That is all.
Soon, April, Keesha, and Libra all end up primping in front of the bathroom mirror at the same time. You could hear a pin drop, and the temperature in the room probably went down about 20 degrees from all the cold shoulders. Awwwk-warrrd! Keesha soon leaves, letting April and Libra exchange lame-assed apologies. Libra claims she was in the DR for three hours after last night’s fight (rumor in the house is that she wanted to DOR), and her only wish in life is to spend the rest of her time in the house in peace and dignity. Oh, please. Dignity left this dump about an hour after you people moved in. Keesha moves on outside to do some April bashing with Memphis and his Big Onions (hee), a favorite activity of many people.
Let’s join Michelle and Jerry while they have a lovely little chat, shall we?
Michelle: I don’t want to see you brush your teeth in the shower one more f***ing time!
Jerry: I don’t want to offend anybody.
Michelle: I don’t care. I don’t like that s***! This is your f***ing house too and you can brush your teeth like a normal person wherever the f*** you want.
Like, in the shower, Michelle? Perhaps the poor guy should brush them in the backyard under the running hose. I’m no Jerry fan, but damn, let the dude brush his teeth where he wants to. Nobody tells you how to style that mop on your head. Just sayin’.
The onions didn't keep the witches at bay, so Memphis trades up to garlic.
We should make up a drinking game this season. Every time someone mentions being disrespected, drink! We’d never make it through a night without getting plastered. April brings us our first “no respect” mention of the day as she whines to Ollie about his lack of support for her during the fight last night. He didn’t take up for her as she was being disrespected, and she wants to know why. Probably because he hauled ass away from you crazy women, that’s why. Ollie tries to be diplomatic and explains that he didn’t want to get caught up with a bunch of drunken people’s idiocy. April looks on the verge of tears as she claims that he wouldn’t have her back outside the house, her feelings are real but he’s just thinking game, etc. Whatever. I’m sure her “hurt feelings” won’t stop her from boinking him later.
Dan and Memphis plot outside, saying that their goal is to make sure the both of them don’t go on the block at the same time so they will always have some kind of leverage. Keesha wanders out to wash her funky clothes, and they all agree that Ollie and April’s little skankfest will soon self-destruct. Keesha has been trying to drop hints to Jerry that Ollie and Ape must be broken up, but the blockhead isn’t seeing it. Perhaps if you let him cop a feel like April did, Keesha, he’d see the light. Or a mild coronary. Renny whips up a Mexican buffet in the kitchen, and the bitching stops long enough for them to stuff their maws full of food.
I don’t know what Renny put in those tacos, but the conspiracy theories run rampant after dinner. Parannoying over Dan and Libra, America’s Player, swim club is a big plot, how weird Dan is (pot, meet kettle)...it goes on and on. Hey, let’s play a game. I’ll list the current conspiracy theories, and you match them with the dingbat who thought it up:
1. _____ and _____ think one of Dan’s AP tasks is to save Libra.
2. _____ thinks Dan and Libra worked at the same school and are working together in the house.
3. _____ wonders if Libra is lying about having children.
4. _____ thinks it’s the law that Dan has to go to church because he’s a private school teacher.
5. _____ insists Dan was faking his tears during the dinner toasts.
6. _____ believes Dan gets paid every time he uses the HoH bathroom, and gets super secret info from BB while he’s up there peeing.
Answers: 1.) Renny and Keesha. 2.) Michelle. 3.) Renny. 4.) Michelle. 5.) Jerry. 6.) Michelle.
Oh, and - not one of those theories are true. Well, I can't guarantee that Skippy's not slipping Dan any info while he drains his lizard, but I highly doubt it. Jerry ponders using the veto to remove Libra and put Dan up in his place (uh, isn’t that Michelle’s choice?), but his idea is quickly nixed by Ollie and crew. Jerry is beginning to get more than a little creepy in his utter contempt and weird fixation on Dan, just because the guy is playing the freaking game. I bet Jerry is the mean old coot who screams obscenities at the neighborhood children who dare walk on his lawn.
I just can't imagine why she's still single.
Looks like BB is letting the hamsters dry out for a day and keeping the keys to the booze cabinet locked up this evening. No good Keesha meltdowns on my shift, then. *sigh* Keesha and Libra have a heart to heart in the bedroom, with Libra wanting to apologize for things and promising Keesha her vote if she’s there at the end. Keesha returns the apology, claiming that it was out of character for her to freak out like she did last night. Er...yeah. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. The alcohol-less hamsters wander off to bed early.
A bit after nine, the wake up call arrives. It’s POV day! Hammies brush their fangs and fluff their hair, and Jerry rasps to Michelle that he plans on making “his” life miserable and giving “him” a hard time today. Him = Dan. Libra, in what is sure to be pegged as yet another America’s Player conspiracy, paints under Dan’s eyes with her eyeliner because he wanted to show support for his football team - they start practice today. Jerry continues to blather on to Michelle, practicing his idiotic speech he plans on giving at the ceremony about how Dan is an ugly, bow legged son of a bitch. And all kinds of other unmentionables. He wants Dan to sweat, then Jerry wants to be a smartass and announce that he’s keeping his word to Michelle and won’t be using the veto. Michelle is polite and listens to his garbage, then Jerry takes his sanctimonious crap over to Ollie and April, who seem excited about it. Morons.
My shift ends as we go to fish in preparation for the POV ceremony, and I'm left wondering how some of these people passed the psychological exam. Hey, if Dan drinks a lot of liquids today, he can probably nab about 10K at $1000 a pee....
*Thanks to JustJuls for the great Renny cap!
Spot any more suspicious behavior by Dan? PM me with it and we’ll come up with our own conspiracy theory.