There were two major things I could have learned this past week from Big Brother. If I had any desire to derive life lessons from a bunch of intellectually challenged famewhores, that is. One was that promises made by people who can't stand you, while they're hanging from a dangerously tilting fake wall, are always null and void, the other is that when people yell really loudly, they usually don't have a point. Either that or you'd have to watch the Live Feeds more diligently in order to get their stupid point, which would be too much of an effort at this point.
On this 31st day of Big Brother action, Julie is decked out in a gold skirt and black top, which has nothing to do with anything but I thought I'd mention it anyway. The customary black and white flashbacks bring us up to date again. Jessie-the-Body is secure in his position and knows he's not going home, April is gratified that her sacred wishes were respected when Jerry didn't use the Veto, while Memphis sees the dawn of a new day.
Plan of attack
Amid the general Big Brother boredom, Keesha and Libra are gripped by paranoia. They fear Jessie and the fact that “he's coming after [them]”. Ooooh, that's one hell of a crime there on Jessie's part. Isn't that the whole point of the game, to go after people in order to get them evicted? Just sayin'. In any case, these two brain surgeons figure that he needs to go. Libra says he's bipolar and he's been vegetating in bed for a week, saying and doing nothing. Apparently doing nothing is just as bad as doing a lot. Libra feels that Jessie's passivity amounts to an attack on her intelligence because he's “layin' low like we're stupid”. This whole show is an attack on our collective intelligence, but that's beside the point. Keesha nods sagely as they cook up their plan to evict April's pawn and shake up her alliance. As if on cue, April walks in and Libra badmouths Jessie to her. April counters that Memphis is playing hard even though he's not as loud as Jessie but Libra still feels that Jessie will target her and Keesha, if they leave him in the game. Keesha confesses that she doesn't like April, even though she tried hard to like her. Really, why did she even bother? Life's too short.
You'd think that the people on the block would do the campaigning, instead we get Keesha baking in the sun with Memphis, telling him that promises were made to April that her pick will be evicted, which Memphis naturally think it's ridiculous. Keesha just wants to evict Jessie because “he eats a lot, sleeps a lot and causes a lot of fights”. Hey, that's a good reason as any, I guess. They figure that four votes would do the trick but both agree that they don't have Dan's vote.
Rebel forces converging
Next stop for Keesha is Dan, who assures her that she is the one person he trusts. He says they agree on things without saying them out loud, which of course prompts Keesha to whisper that she wants Jessie gone. Sigh. Later the Keesha-Libra train makes another stop in the bedroom where they assess their chances. Keesha is not ready to roll over and vote the party line, but the figure they only have Libra, Keesha and Renny's vote with Dan's up in the air. Libra feels he may even betray them but Keesha thinks he's for real. Especially since Ollie is April's lapdog, Jerry can't stand Memphis and Michelle is in love with Jessie-the-Body and would sooner vote out her own mother than him. Both Libra and Keesha finally agree that kicking out Jessie would mean a major split in the house. Actually, according to Libra it would be like World War III. What's with this chick and all her war analogies? She better watch out. There's a Waterloo for every megalomaniac out there.
When you've got a conspiracy cooking, it's best to get all your soldiers in line as soon as possible and Keesha summons Memphis and Dan inside for a pow-wow. Libra quickly gets assurances from Memphis that she won't be nominated if she saves him. Dan promises to vote with them, and all four of them shake on the secret deal. The excitement is at maximum intensity, as everyone hugs and quietly jumps up and down.
State of the Union
Feeling threatened, April tells Jerry that she was approached by the girls to get Jessie out. Jerry, who apparently is a very good little soldier indeed, assures her that he, Ollie and Dan “support” April's wishes, as well as Michelle. You'd think she was drafting major legislation in Congress the way he's talking. Jerry believes that Dan supports him, because Jerry brought him into the alliance and I guess he now owes him for the rest of his natural life. Or something. In any case, Ollie, Dan and Jerry are April's boys, he says.
Despite his certainty, Jerry approaches Dan and admonishes him that he must stay with their alliance and not be swayed by promises from the other side. Jerry, wearing his sacred Marine hat, keeps babbling about supporting the HoH, like he swore on the flag or something to uphold the HoH and protect her from all enemies domestic or foreign. Dan nods and says he agrees, then goes back to juggling in the pool. After that pep talk, I'd probably go over to the dark side too... just to show Jerry how much his pompous speech was appreciated. But Jerry is apparently satisfied with his work, because he seeks out Jessie in his bed to tell him that he's safe and they got the votes. Jessie is glad but it looks like nothing can stop him from napping as he rolls over and goes back to sleep. A body needs to rest even if it's broad daylight.
Dispatch from the front
What's a spy to do? Alone in the hammock, with all the rabid dogs indoors for a change, Dan finds time to talk to his evil overlords, er, I mean, America. He thinks “these people are crazy” and even though he didn't want to lie, that little luxury will be over soon. He wonders who America hates more: Jessie or Memphis? I wonder why he wonders. On one hand we have a musclebound, deluded narcissist with a teeny tiny head and a teeny tiny brain, on the other hand we have a mandana wearing decently pretty, pretty boy named after a midsize city. Duh! We'd take a mandana over a a small head any day. Dan knows that either way he's screwed, although he hopes that America will make the right decision. After all, he went above and beyond the call of duty and gave us an 18 second hug with the meathead. That's got to count for something. Right?
Which one did you pick?
Far behind enemy lines
Back with the live audience, Julie announces that we get to visit with Dan's family and the football team that he coaches back in Dearborn, MI. They must have some time to kill, I guess. We get to see the whole team as they cheer on their coach and applaud his motivational techniques in the Big Brother house, apparently the same ones he uses in real life as well. We find out Dan is an upstanding guy and the whole team is behind him, whatever he does. Back at his family's home, Dan's mom and sister, Kelly, laugh excitedly as Dan maintains a hugging position with Jesse and grins at the camera. Mother Sue doesn't think Dan should have taken the America's Slave job because it might hurt his game and has already made the other hamsters suspicious.
Julie's weekly Living Room chat centers first on Michelle and she wants to know whether she has “embraced her inner red unitard”? She has, thank you very much. Keesha is reminded of the crappiest birthday she has ever had, while Julie wants to know whether things are now back to normal. Keesha says nothing is forgotten or forgiven. One of Libra's “fans” wants to know why she didn't grab that letter during the Veto comp, opting for the Hawaiian vacation instead. She says she took it because she and her hubby back home need a vacation after Big Brother. Of course. The decision wasn't hard to make either for Libra because she knows she has a supportive family and because she's “a pretty good person”. Really? Man, it must be nice to be so delusional.
Talking to April, Julie wants to know where her alliance stands. She considers Libra and Keesha allies but she doesn't trust them quite as much as before. She claims she became HoH to benefit her alliance, and sacrificed herself on the altar of private bedroomhood, er, I mean sisterly solidarity. She feels that their disrespect is unsettling. What's with these people and all the respect/disrespect talk? Must be the longest word they can all spell without mistakes. Thank you Aretha! There's some talk about how difficult it was for April to nominate Memphis, and she laments pitifully that Memphis has shockingly avoided kissing her ass all week long and has not begged for her mercy as he should have. Her conclusion? He just wants to go home. Julie wants to know how serious is the April/Ollie, er, union. April thinks all of America wants to know that they're great friends and she's just happy to have someone to
sha....talk to about non-game things. Of course.
Three if by sea, four if by land
Jessie is invited to make a speech first and he confidently wastes time wishing a happy birthday to his father and some girl named Sheena. Next he throws out a few words about how he is a competitor and it's their decision. Amazingly, he makes no mention of respect, so he must feel safe. Memphis wants them all to vote strategically, for themselves and not for others. Formalities over, we finally get down to the vote. Michelle, Ollie and Jerry all vote to evict Memphis. Libra, Keesha and Renny all vote to evict Jessie. The deciding vote is cast by Dan, whose vote is America's vote, and America voted to evict Jessie. As Julie reads the votes, April looks on stunned while Musclehead quickly exit the house to loud
producer inducedcheering and applause. The main action is back in the house, where the cameras follow Michelle as she silently goes back and forth around the house, clearly seething with rage. I did rewind this part – twice – because good entertainment is so hard to come by.
Jessie claims he wasn't surprised by his eviction and blames it on conniving Dan. He mumbles something about faith and being free of this bunch. Jessie placed his faith in Dan, even though Dan doesn't go to church on Sunday despite being Catholic. Shocking! He regrets nothing about his time in the house, and claims his “name and arrogance shouldn't be in the same sentence”. Pardon me while I howl with laughter.
Perversely, Julie wants to play a word association game where Jessie is asked to utter the first word that comes to mind upon hearing the name of a hamster. I won't bore you with a rundown of the inarticulate grunts that constituted his answers. Believe me, you're better off in the dark on this one. After a few goodbye messages, Jessie is dispatched back into the big disrespectful world where he will be free to – non-arrogantly - ponder his own magnificence and flex his biceps in every available mirror for as long as he wants. Hopefully in oblivion.
It seems Big Brother has a sense of humor, and a clear desire to annoy our little hamsters. For a full night and day, Big Brother piped into the house loud messages recorded by viewers that were designed for maximum annoyance. Our hamsters can't sleep or waste time in peace as they're bombarded with silly and loud “messages” all day and night long. Not surprisingly, the new HoH competition centers around these “wake-up calls”. The competition is called “Rude Awakenings” and it's your standard setup with booths and True/False questions. Julie quizzes them on the wake-up calls. Correct answers mean advancing in the game, while incorrect answers mean elimination. After only three questions, the last two people left in the competition are Michelle and Libra. The last question is about a caller who told them all that slop was served and they need to fattened up for the competition. Michelle gets this one correctly becoming the new Head of Household.
Will Michelle set up a shrine to the sainted memory of Jessie-the-Body and will she avenge his executioners? She yells out that “this is for you, Jessie” and that she “will get them, don't worry”. I'm not worried I'm just hoping that she'll bawl in the Diary Room some more, 'cause that was funny.
Tune in Sunday to see one former hamster from each of the past 10 seasons return for a surprise competition. See me here next week for more of the same, when one unlucky furry foot soldier will head straight for the Jury House.
Know of any secret troop movements? PM me.