*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday, BB time*
Man, I hope April doesn’t get out of the house and decide to Google “Ollie and April sex” like I did while waiting for my shift to start. Go ahead, try it. Pages upon pages of pictures, video clips and snide comments, all preserved for posterity forever on the internet. And after Saturday night’s doggy-style porn party (blanket be damned), there’s hamster porn aplenty to peruse. Almost makes me long for the simpler days of BB8 Eric and his tube sock. Almost, I said.
So, it’s noon on Sunday. Michelle is still pouting about her inability to bikini-ize her unitard - sheesh, even Jen figured it out - and I’m still wondering why the DR keeps pushing her to do so. It’s not like they need racy clips for the show, they have plenty to pick from thanks to Ollie and April. The fuzzy blob editing guy will stay busy, but hey. Someone’s gotta do it. Michelle insists that she’s going to stay in bed all day, and that’s just fine with me.
In other, more interesting news, Renny is coaching the oft-confused Keesha. Renny sees the light and tells Keesha that April is getting too powerful and has got to go, blindsiding being the preferred method. Renny thinks April knows that she can only win against Libra in the end, and Keesha almost looks like she understands where this is going. Go, brain cells, go! No matter what, Renny says, Ollie and April must be broken up. I heart Renny. She’s an endangered species in this house: a hamster with an IQ over 50.
See, if you stick your finger in like this, you can't hear her!
Lest you think stupidity has left the building, a pool full of hamsters are playing a “What would you do” game outside. Question number one, asked of Libra by Memphis: if a 400 lb., short, 48 year old man with two kids offered you $25K to watch his children for a month but said you had to wear an Aunt Jemima costume all month, would you do it? Uh, that’s a negative, replies Libra. But hey, let’s get even stupider. Dan asks her if a 220 lb. guy wanted her to spend six hours in a bathing suit, doing slutty poses while he watched for $18K, would she do it? Hmm. If she had security in the room, sure she would, says Libra. This goes on for a while, and I go on to a different feed. Ugh.
Five Things You Should Know About Memphis!
- Memphis says he might meet up with his fellow houseguests for a beer if they were in town, but he wouldn’t go to a reunion with them. Because they suck.
- He thinks Angie gave the best speech ever and there’s no way he could top it.
- Memphis thinks Evel Dick was an ass but there was nothing sneaky about his game.
- His real name is Robert, but his modeling agent nicknamed him Memphis to go along with his accent. It stuck.
- Memphis the mixologist made up a cocktail from fresh citrus and gave it to Libra, Keesha, and April to try. Guess who hated it? Yep, Libra.
Chow time, and the hamsters descend on the kitchen. Renny makes spaghetti and meatballs, pounding the living crap out of some meat on the counter while Jessie bemoans his withering physique and whines about being tired. Yes, all that sleeping and whispering is so draining, isn’t it? It’s almost impossible to pick up half of what he and Michelle are always turbo-whispering, but I did catch her saying that she wished there were cameras at the jury house so she could tell them what she thinks about everyone, especially Libra. Er...why not talk to the cameras in this house and give us something to watch, woman? Michelle goes on to call Libra an effing fat bitch who doesn’t care about her kids. There was also something about Libra’s crusty drawers and sucking male body parts that are unmentionable here. Lovely stuff. She's really pissed about that Hawaii trip, you think?
Having run out of parmesan cheese for their spaghetti, Libra gets creative....
What would a Sunday be without some hamster grooming? For today’s yuck du jour I present: Dan’s Nasty, Cracked Feet. Libra spies Dan’s funky footsies and scrambles for her PedEgg, a torturous looking device I haven’t had the nerve to try. She berates him for never having had a pedicure and for not moisturizing as she scrapes the dead skin off his feet onto a paper towel. They are so bored, they've taken to using cheese graters to file feet. Seriously, can we get these people some arts and crafts kits, pronto? Awestruck, Dan stares at the pile of little heel skin flakes like there’s something amazing in there. The women stroll through and proclaim that Dan now has cute feet. All is right with the world. The sun shines again, birds sing...
Okay, I need a break from this nastiness. Allow me to go to my happy place for a moment.....
*whew* That’s much better. Let’s soldier on, shall we? Lazing in the sun outside are Keesha and Memphis, the closest thing to eye candy this season has. Memphis cleverly tries to worm some info out of Keesha, wanting to know what the buzz in the house is. Keesha wants to save Memphis, but they need four votes and only have three: her, Renny, and Dan. Libra will do whatever April decrees, she says, and Memphis declares that is a stupid way to play the game. I agree. Keesha thinks April only wants Memphis out because Keesha has been hanging around him so much (hey, she's right about something!). Memphis insists that he’s going to try and sway Libra to his side anyway, since that’s his only shot. He doesn’t have an ice cube’s chance in hell of getting a vote from Jerry, Michelle, or Ollie.
birdsbeasts April and Ollie have a mini-tiff in the HoH room. He thinks Jerry might use the POV to take Jessie off and ensure Memphis goes home, but April insists Jerry won’t use it: that’s why she gave him four grand. Ollie tries to tell Ape that it might help her if he does use it, and she bites his head off - “Absolutely not!” She rants and raves and talks over him until he asks if she’s done so he can get a word in. Burn! April is pissed that Ollie is playing it safe and riding her coattails (among other things, cough cough). Ollie insists that he didn’t throw the HoH comp, but he didn’t fight as hard as he could have. April thinks that if were down to final three, Ollie wouldn’t take her because he knows she’d win. He says he would, but she doesn’t believe him.
No, really. This is her happy face.
Thankfully, Libra interrupts this stupid conversation with very important news about some newly delivered sprinkles and cake mixes. April says she’ll make the yellow cake for Libra and the other one for Keesha and Renny, since BB cheaped out and didn’t give them squat for their birthdays. Everyone thinks BB did it on purpose to create bad feelings. Libra wanders back downstairs, and - oh, no - Ollie and Ape are at it again, getting busy under the covers. Skippy hears me screaming and switches feeds before it gets too X rated. He shoots me back to them five minutes later as they search for their clothes under the covers. Five minutes? Color me unimpressed.
Downstairs, Jerry dared to turn down the heat on Renny’s meatballs, earning him the evil eye. Renny is most unhappy with the Colonel. Dan makes up for it by accidentally hitting the old man in his meatballs, as Ollie howls with laughter. An hour earlier, Dan had done the same to Ollie. Is this a secret AP task? In the hippie room, Keesha is doing her best to convince Libra to vote Jessie out, insisting that they have to break up the Michelle/Jessie coupling. Libra isn’t going for it, unless Keesha can make April change her mind so the whole house votes Jessie out. Because nobody can think for themselves in this game, apparently, and all votes must be unanimous. Or else.
*News flash!* Libra started her period today. April says hers will soon follow, if Ollie has been quick enough. Story at 11.
You want me to do what in return for your vote?!
It’s a boring afternoon, with more of the usual gossip and bitching. We’re bored. We’re hungry. Jessie whines about his long lost six pounds while Keesha complains about blimping up. He also thinks his letter from home was not composed by his parents and is in fact a forgery, pointing out things to Dan that support his stupid theory. Michelle says she’s still in so much pain, and Dr. Jessie explains all about the concept of pain and how it works. Somehow this turns into an argument ending with her stomping off, complaining about how she’s tired of trying to help him. Libra, Keesha, and Renny talk trash about April, and discuss what sounds like the real possibility of flipping the game and booting Jessie instead of Memphis. They think they can count on Dan. Well, sure, we’ve told him how to vote!
Ollie and April scrub away the collective filth in a tandem bubble bath. “I’ve never taken a bath with a girl before,” admits Ollie, but Ape doesn’t believe him. Neither do the rubber duckies, who float disinterestedly in the tub, missing Dr. Will. *sigh* April snarls that she just knows everyone is outside talking crap about them. Why yes, April. Yes they are. Downstairs, Memphis suggests that he, Keesha, Dan, Renny, and Libra make a temporary alliance called the “Wild Mustangs.” Ugh. Bad, bad name. But Dan is made to swear on the bible, Memphis is made to swear to Libra, and Jessie seems to be officially toast. Unless they change their minds before Thursday.
No, April, please! Leave little Ollie alone, I need a break!
Dan gets called to the DR around 1 am, probably for his America’s Temporary Player task. The choice of hamsters to hug is: Jessie! Ha. Dan gets musclehead alone in the spa room, telling him he wants to talk about some personal stuff. After listening to Jessie bitch about losing weight and not being able to eat for thirty freaking minutes, Dan finally gets to tell his “story” about missing his girlfriend, crying for effect. Jessie tries to comfort the sobbing Dan (reminds me of Adam falling for Joshuahh’s phony tears last season), and Dan gets his 10 second hug in. Ka-ching! He grins at the camera and does a happy dance when Jessie leaves, leaving feed watchers everywhere laughing at his antics.
The night winds down with the usual paranoid chatter, whispering, and beady eyes darting about. Ollie and April talk about love, and how neither one of them has ever been in love. So many jokes, so little time. Jessie offers to wear the green unitard tomorrow for Michelle. Why dressing as the Incredible Hulk With a Tiny Head is supposed to cheer her, I don’t know. Morning arrives, and the sleepy hamsters line the kitchen to gulp down some breakfast while they wait on the POV meeting. Libra paints her nails, Keesha applies several hundred layers of makeup, and Renny helps Dan make waffles. Skippy flips me to fishies as the POV meeting is held, and my shift ends as we wait for the news...
Big thanks to MFWalkoff, JustJuls, and Snapit for the terrific screencaps!