**This is a recap of events from noon Friday to noon Saturday, BB Time**
I’m just lucky, I guess. During BB8, my first ever FORT recap took place on the night of Dick, Jameka and Amber’s huge blowout. You know, the one where Dustin kept running around the yard and screaming at the kitchen door. And now, this. It almost makes up for having to sit through April’s HoH reign, complete with HoH doorknob tag that states “If the room’s a-rockin’, don’t bother knockin’!”
New Rule: Never Speak Well of the Departed
We begin in lockdown, which April feels BB engineered as a way to make people come up and talk to her. Don’t sell yourself short, honey, these hamsters have shown they know how to kiss butt on cue. It has been announced that nominations will take place later today. Libra and Keesha are in HoH, congratulating Her Bleachness and taking her nominating temperature. April thinks Jessie and Michelle are the biggest threats at this point (but she did promise Michelle during the HoH comp that she wouldn’t nominate either of them in order to get Michelle to drop, mmm-hmmm). Memphis is definitely going up in either case.
She also drops the bomb on them that Ollie told her that he thought Angie was “gorgeous” and that the guys had voted Angie the most “naturally beautiful” girl in the house. After Skippy wipes the ear-steam off the lenses, April remarks with disgust that Angie had a double chin, so there! I can understand using the Angie hate as a unifying force here, but why is April selling out her closest ally to the Mean Girls? Apparently when it comes time to throw down, it’s chicks before tricks after all…
Other tidbits leading up to the main event:
- America wanted Dan to get Jessie nominated, and he talked to Libra accordingly.
- The Mean Girls are convinced that Dan is America’s Player. Interestingly, they started floating this theory before he was even offered the chance to do it.
- Michelle had a dream that a 14th houseguest joined the game.
- April decides she is going to "respect" Jessie and tell him that his key won’t be coming out of that box because the house doesn't like him very much. AP Mission #1: Accomplished.
- Ollie redeems himself with April by walking into the Storage Room and finding Jessie and Michelle talking, and (with Jerry) reporting right back to April about it. But an hour later she is back to wondering if she can trust him.
- Memphis is tired of having the big family dinners. The tension is too thick, and he never knows how to act. He’s afraid he will incur someone’s wrath merely by taking a second piece of chicken.
- The Mean Girls think Memphis is an idiot for thinking that this week’s earthquake was real. Fer shur!
- April feels bad about putting Jessie up, and would tell him ahead of time, but it’s against the rules. (It is? News to me…)
- April’s focus turns to Memphis. The Mean Girls turn the lamps on Keesha, grilling her for hanging out with him so much lately. She is tried on one count of treason, but acquitted.
- While checking the BB manual for how sequester works, Libra and the girls discover that the internet feeds really are 24/7, and that BBAD airs on weekends too; they then double-check the definition of slander. (April’s looking for ways to get around breaking her promise to Michelle about Jessie) *sigh*
- Keesha wants a bigger diamond next time someone proposes to her. Jessie says he’d buy a cubic zirconium so that if they divorced, he could say “Ha-ha, it was fake!” This makes Keesha quite angry.
- April finally talks to Michelle about the fact that Jessie isn’t 100% safe from nomination, which doesn’t faze Michelle, she figured as much. April takes it “further” by saying that Jessie is “the furthest thing” from her mind (lie) and that she and Ollie love hanging out with J&M, and it was sad that they couldn’t do it last week, and that they should do lunch sometime, and have your girl call my girl. Or something.
- In case you missed yesterday’s recap, it’s Keesha’s birthday. No, really. It is. Really!
The Dance at the Gym
Around 5PM BB Time, we get fishes and then trivia for quite a while, as the nomination ceremony and knowing-April-gawd-knows-what-else is held. Once the feeds are back, we learn that Memphis and a visibly floored Jessie are on the block. While some start dinner, Libra and Ollie go off and take a moment to bond. Jessie mopes in bed, but then comforts himself by flexing into a mirror. Eventually everyone sits down to Keesha’s birthday dinner (did you know it was her birthday?). Small talk ensues, but they also speculate that there will be a luxury comp later that night, if not the veto competition itself. Could this be an accelerated double-eviction week? BB rudely calls Michelle to the DR in the middle of dinner, after Memphis comes out and grabs a plate to join the others. Let’s hope Memphis doesn’t need salt or pepper, lest he be declared a witch and burned.
After dinner, April, Ollie and Jerry discuss sex toys and condom varieties. That’s after dinner. Mercifully soon after, we see fishes, and shortly thereafter we see the houseguests getting ready for something. Surprise! The veto competition will happen late tonight instead of tomorrow! April, Jessie, Memphis, Libra, Jerry, and Michelle will play; Renny and Dan will officiate. It involves the field hockey set that they were given earlier in the day.
How to Destroy Your Game in the Locker Room, Chapter 1
While waiting for the competition, the Nerd Herd minus a napping Jerry hold a pre-game meeting in the HoH. Or rather, they assemble in the HoH to listen to April whine about possibly having to name a replacement nominee, and then make fun of Jerry’s nose-picking skills. They return to game talk, but by the time they finish, Libra decides she doesn’t like how they are assessing her ability to win comps, and leaves. We have arrived at today’s
excusereason that Libra’s feelings are hurt. She goes down to the Hippie Room followed by Keesha, and April, still in HoH, trash-talks Libra, and also claims that the DR was trying to plant doubts in her head, asking her if she really thinks she can trust her alliance. This prompts a quick switch to fishes. Jessie goes up to HoH, fans the flames a little more, and leaves. Ollie is left comforting April. She can’t believe how quickly the backstabbing started. She’s afraid she’ll only have her HoH room for two days, only to have it taken away.
Meanwhile, Renny goes down to the kitchen, and bitches about Jerry leaving a dirty bowl in the sink after they had cleaned up dinner. She tells Memphis and Michelle that Jerry heard her remark about his nose-picking, and thinks she’s in trouble with him.
Libra keeps complaining about her hurt feelings, while Keesha complains that BB rigged the veto selection “again” (which probably made “Queen of #2” Libra feel even worse). Also Keesha thinks April is ruining her chance to get Jessie out (just like you ruined your chance last week, Birthday Girl? Mmm-hmmm) Libra thinks that April said she won HoH because of her size, which of course Libra took as an insult about her weight/size. Ollie tries to calm her down saying that April gets irrational when she’s emotional (great thing to tell another woman, dude). BB saves him by calling him to the DR.
Libra continues to rant to Keesha about April’s backstabbing, skill-underestimating, fat-inferring ways. April comes down and enters the fray, now worried that she’s going to have to win POV herself to keep the plan as is. Libra, Keesha and April then shout at each other for several minutes about, well, about how each of them is sooooooo burdened and misunderstood. Jerry walks in and sits down, wishing he had made popcorn. April feels so much pressure, Libra felt like everyone was talking over her before, Keesha feels betrayed because she still talks to Memphis, “I mean c’mon, we’re not in kindergarten!” (Ed note: Ooooh, the irony)
And on Cam 5, Angie sitting at home, laughing her ass off.
Libra suddenly drags a bewildered Renny into it, and starts proclaiming to, well, we’re not quite sure who, “I was personally insulted by this! Anyone else want to start s*** in this house, believe that you going home. Believe that!!” Each of them rant and moan, and rewrite history about their roles in hurting each other’s feelings and trash-talking each other behind their backs, for several minutes more. What makes it off-the-chart funny is that, every few minutes or so, they claim they’re not disrespecting each other, and they’re just trying to clear the air. Then Libra goes off on Jerry, who tells her to shut up a minute, which sets her into a rage, pointing her finger at him, which sets him into a rage over her finger being in his face. Then Renny jumps in and Jerry goes off on her.
They rant and scream for just under a half-hour, and then suddenly they are hugging. Wait, what just happened here? Jerry goes to hug April too, but Renny cuts in front of him and gets her hug first. Sassy! What’s important is that they all agree that this is Jessie’s fault. (That is, when it’s not all Jerry’s or Dan’s fault) The Other Side is making them fight amongst themselves and laughing at them! (Well, yeah, they are, because it’s so incredibly easy, you twits…)
Keesha and Libra come out into the kitchen, and Keesha lets Michelle know that April thinks she helped cause all this, while they both hurl some fresh crazy at Jessie. Michelle shuts them down instantly, as if she had a magic “Next Window Please” sign, but Jessie, who was never Mr. Natural Captain of the Debate Team, is not as lucky. He mouths back at them, and pretty much solidifies a few votes to evict no matter what April wants. Libra calls him many not-nice names, and he comes back with, “Yeah, but I win s***!” OUCH! Jessie says if he has to go home for telling the truth, then so be it, to the sound of several female snickers.
By now, all the menfolk have retreated to the living room to quietly ride out the storm. And then, for a perfect punchline to this absurdist play, they all decide to sing Happy Birthday to Keesha and Libra asks, “Does anyone want cake!?” Suddenly, it’s a birthday party again. But a tense one (sorry Memphis!).
(And after all that, it’s the singing of Happy Birthday that causes fishes again, this time even on BBAD. I need a drink…)
Jessie retreats, and then starts mouthing off at Skippy for some reason. The stress of being a third-time nominee has given him a Susan Lucci complex. Renny remarks how Memphis is looking better and better, and a still-raging Keesha says Jessie buried himself, and he needs to go home. The girls continue with variations on He Said, She Said in various rooms while waiting for BB to start the POV. Which doesn’t happen until after BBAD is over, thanks a lot Viacom. April has barricaded herself in the HoH, and Ambassador Ollie comes down to reassure the other Mean Girls that April holds no hard feelings, and that they should just focus on the task at hand. (Meanwhile, April and Keesha were both saying the other is on their “s*** list”). After Ollie leaves, Keesha and Libra trash-talk April some more.
(Just a reminder, this is the ruling alliance in the house talking about their own, folks…)
Jerry Sees Gold (and not up his nose this time), Michelle Sees Red
Finally, 20 minutes after BBAD ends (almost 3:30AM ET / 12:30AM BB Time), we go to fishes and the POV competition starts. Flash forward almost 3 hours, and we see that Michelle is furious. She is also clutching a very familiar-looking piece of red fabric. The POV competition allowed the hamsters to win prizes for themselves and booby-prizes for others. Michelle has to wear Jen’s Red Unitard™ for the rest of the week. We also see the Nerd Herd gathered in the HoH, and Jerry is holding the POV medal. Here’s a rundown of the other prizes we know about:
- April won $10,000 in the form of gold bricks that she can split up as she sees fit, and the brick-holders can use them as barter for favors, votes, etc.
- April kept $5,000, and gave Jerry $4,000 and Libra $1,000.
- Jerry won POV
- Libra won a trip to Hawaii and gave up a letter from home
- Memphis won a slop pass, and the chance to put someone else on slop for the week – he chose Jerry.
- Michelle has to wear the red unitard for the week, even to bed.
- Jessie possibly won the letter from home.
”Am I here? Where’d I go!?”
Jerry gloats in the HoH about the new power he has, and April reminds him that the POV winner only has so much power and the HoH still puts up the replacement if it is used. This causes yet another internal squabble in the middle of their victory celebration. Meanwhile, Michelle and Jessie are downstairs, and Michelle is inconsolable. She talks about quitting, and Jessie tries to calm her down and build her up. She goes into the DR, but comes out soon after still holding the unitard. She goes into the shower stall, and exits a few minutes later covered in skintight red. She is mortified that she is going to have to be seen like this on live TV. Twice! Jessie says she looks great, in fact her ass looks amazing. She wonders what kinds of jokes Craig Ferguson will make to her. Jessie follows her as she paces the house, pleading with her to chill and think things through. She seems serious in her intent to quit, and cusses out BB. They end up at the kitchen counter as she eats some cereal, where she suddenly gets up and runs around the counter and hugs the red refrigerator, thinking she can become invisible for the week. They laugh. She’s not exactly calm yet, but Jessie has broken the ice.
Apparently, one reason Michelle is so upset is that she had won the Hawaiian vacation and Libra had won the 10 grand, and Libra took the vaca from her, figuring that April would need the money more. So Libra ended up with the trip, April ended up with the money, and Michelle ended up with a Jensuit. Hell, I’d DOR too if I were her…
Eventually the houseguests retire, while Jessie and Michelle stay up in the spa room.
Me: "Eek, time to switch feeds…no…NO…NOOOO DEAR GOD NO!!!!!!”
Thankfully BB cut away from this before the bunnies went to town, but we are switched to the dark Hippie Room, where Renny suddenly gets up and goes into the spa room, but BB doesn’t let us in there. BB must be mad at Michelle for her earlier words. Renny returns and gets back into bed, but apparently she and Libra and Keesha have been whispering all this time, only it’s hard to make out anything they’ve been saying. Libra had dispatched Renny to go in there and check on Michelle, and to do recon. Renny reports that she’s calmed down, and she conveyed Libra’s message that that it was nothing personal. (I’m sure that made it all better, QBL)
Finally everyone settles down, everything’s dark, and everyone sleeps late the next morning, so there’s nothing to add. Which is fine with me, because I’m spent. I can’t, I just can’t…but before I collapse, we’ll take a quick look at the current state of the Alliance Wheel:
The Nerd Herd can’t possibly survive this crazy, whacked-out night from hell…or can they? Tune in tomorrow to find out.
Think things can’t get any worse? PM me and I’ll share some ideas with you
Thanks to SnapIt for glorious pictorial assistance!