*This is a recap of events from Monday through Thursday*
Did everyone have a nice Easter holiday? Go Easter egg hunting, get all dressed up for church, or maybe a big family dinner? Well, leave it to our lovely BB9 hamsters to add their own twist to Easter. Perhaps next year we can all carry on a new tradition that Chelsia has started: The Smashing of the Eggs. Yeah, maybe not. A drunken Chelsia started the week off on a sour note, going ballistic on a bunch of poor, defenseless chocolate bunnies, peeps, and colored eggs, all the while ranting and raving about Natalie’s white trashiness and lack of edumacation. Because nothing says “I’m classy” like screaming about abortions and being the anti-Christ as you rip to shreds everyone else’s little bits of holiday fun.
Oh, how I love this season.
While Chelsia continues to take great delight in making egg salad out of Natalie’s decorated eggs, Josh giggles in the corner of the kitchen, enjoying the fact that Chelsia has painted an enormous bulls-eye on her forehead, taking all focus off of him. Ryan stays in the kitchen for the show, nabbing bits of broken chocolate bunny off the table. Leave it to Ryan not to waste food! Sharon wants no part of this, slinking away, as Natalie high-tails it to the sauna to get some peace. It doesn’t work, she can still hear Chelsia ranting, and now smashing Sharon’s poor puzzle. Sheila hovers around until Chels starts in on Matt’s wonky eye, sending Sheila blubbering. Nat prays for God to judge Chelsia because she has judged Nat. I just want one big lightning bolt to smite them all.
Somebody's ass is hungry.
Over in the bedroom, Josh confabs with Sharon and James over Chelsia’s nuttiness. James says he won’t miss this side of Chels, and wonders why Sheila is so protective of Matt, almost like “she’s his mom.” Joshie’s eyes widen at the thought. Up in the HoH room, Ryan and Adam chill out on the bed, watching the dramatics down below. Ryan pretends to shoot a gun at Chelsia on the spy screen as Adam comments “she’s f***ing done.” Indeed.
Never one to let gossip lie, Josh runs to Sheila to comfort her (actually, to try and dig up some dirt). He asks if she’s Matt’s mom, and she gives a wishy-washy answer about some kind of family relationship that she’s not allowed to talk about, per BB. Josh gets all kinds of excited at this, and Sheila doesn’t discourage him. They’re both Irish-Italian! Her son has an eye problem, as does Matt! Matt wanted to buy his mom a house, and Sheila’s never owned a house! Oh, these people are so easy. Josh and Sheila bond over the new “secret,” and he reveals that Natalie offered Adam a blowjob if he put up who she wanted on the block. Josh runs off to tell everyone the gossip, and Sheila laughs with Natalie over the “I’m Matt’s mom” lie.
Going out with style. Mmmhmm.
Adam later tries to clue Natalie in that yes, Matt and Chelsia did do a little something-something. Natalie is grossed out: “Matt finger banging Chelsia, that’s...ewww! He’s a two in my book now. I knew he was gross, that’s why we never did anything. I’m golden, I’ll never sink to that level.” I’ll give you a moment to stop laughing your ass off and compose yourself.
Better? In other news, James and Chelsia confirmed that they’ve had sex in the house. Several times. Many, many times, if Skippy and his cut-away feeds are any indication. Josh says he wondered what those weird noises were but never made the connection, and James confides that he likes having people in the room while he’s doing it. Has it been THAT long for you, Joshie?
Take notes, there may be a quiz later:
- Ryan wonders if there will be a new president when they leave the house. Huh?! If this thing lasts until November, someone shoot me.
- James claims to have partied with Cameron Diaz, and said she looks like s***.
- Natalie has decided to personally deliver Matt’s clothes he left, because she didn’t trust Chelsia to do it. Yeah, that’s the reason.
- James has razor burn in his nether regions. Like you really wanted to know that, I’m sure.
- Natalie was a stripper from age 18 to 23, and turned down a photoshoot for Hustler because that’s “not what she wanted to be known for.”
- Cher and Madonna are Josh’s favorite singers. Color me shocked.
- Sheila had to explain to Natalie what adultery was.
- Sharon admitted that she cheated on Jacob first.
- Josh thinks he is the best looking gay guy on Big Brother so far.
The rest of the week is actually pretty calm, compared to the “tornado from Iowa,” as Josh described Chelsia’s meltdown. Lots of bible verses are thrown about, Sharon retells The Story of Jacob for the millionth time, and Sheila and Adam continue the weird pseudo-flirting they’ve been doing with each other. I tell you what, if those two decide to get jiggy, Skippy damn well better cut the feeds away or I’ll fly out there and kick his ass. That’s an image I don’t need seared into my brain, thank you very much.
Wow, he's almost perfected the two-knuckle pick!
Eviction night looms, and the truth is sinking in for Chelsia: she knows she’s toast. She goes to Natalie and asks if there is any way for her to redeem herself and get Nat’s vote - Natalie admits that before Chelsia’s big blowup, she was campaigning for Chels to stay. Oops. Too late now. They talk about Matt and blowjobgate, and Natalie denies it once again - saying she waits a long time to make out with someone. *snicker* Natalie then runs right out to Sharon and does some Chelsia bashing. Sharon can’t believe Chels had the gall to ask for her vote after the things she said. Sheila and Nat get up on their holier than thou pedestal and tell each other that they both deserve to win the game over the rest of these ingrates - Natalie even goes so far as to say that someone who doesn’t believe in God shouldn’t be allowed to win. I’ll bite my tongue on that one.
Chelsia realizes she’s screwed, and spends Tuesday night crying it out. She channels Danielle, saying how much “it suuuuuucks!” James consoles her, but tells her that he can’t vote for her to stay. The next morning, Chelsia jams her thumbnail into Natalie’s piece of cake from the halfway party in the freezer, messing up her face. I’m starting to think Chelsia has a thing against sweets. Either way, she can go take her frustration out on Matt at the sequester house, because she was voted out unanimously. I’m sure you’ve all seen or heard about the lovely parting speech she gave as she took the walk of doom to go meet Julie. Charming stuff.
And a vindicated Natalie came up with the HoH win. Begone, heathens! Nat’s in the house, and she’s going to perform an exorcism to rid it of the evildoers. Josh is nervousing, knowing that he’ll be put up beside James. He pleads to Nat to win the veto and keep the nominations the same - Josh is afraid James will get it once again and take himself off the block, dooming Josh. The HoH comp this week was brought to you by the number 7, which is now the big thing. 8 is sooo last week. Natalie preaches to her cronies that 7 is God’s number, she knew it was her week, and Matt’s going to love her for being the one to boot James. Good to see she’s still delusional. And good to see that Sheila is pilfering Natalie’s HoH wine, the lush.
Josh looks like he's done this before...
James goes to Natalie and tries a last ditch attempt to save his butt, telling her he wants to work with her and take her to final two. He also warns that Adam and Ryan will knock her out next. Natalie tells him she doesn’t know who to trust, and that she’ll sleep on it. She should have slept longer, as she wakes up with a hell of a hangover from celebrating her win, throwing up and vowing never to drink again. Sheila tells her that Nat HAS to drink when Sheila wins HoH. Like that will ever happen.
This week’s food comp had a barnyard theme (appropriate for some of these piggies) and I’m not sure what happened, but everyone is on slop except for Natalie and Adam. Sharon refuses to use her slop pass, choosing to torture herself with the others for no good reason. Josh pretends to molest the animal props in the backyard while the other guys smash watermelons with a huge mallet. Natalie, who earlier in the season deep-throated a cucumber, has to have someone explain to her where pickles come from. I'm going to sue CBS for lost IQ points after this season.
So, yeah, no big surprise: Natalie nominates Josh and James. Afterwards, James looks bummed out, Ryan stuffs his face and compliments Nat on her speech, and Josh goes to the bathroom to defuzzify himself, shaving his arms, legs, pubes...yeck. The tighty whiteys jammed up his behind make it worse, as do Skippy’s close ups. *I flip Skippy the bird* To top if all off, Adam helps Sheila pluck the whiskers from her face, telling her he wants to stick his “hooded warrior” in her boobage.
And I leave you with that highly disturbing image. My apologies.