Last weekend was reminiscent of season 8 with Sheila sobbing so much like Amber. Late Thursday night, Natalie is praying a la Amber. Lightening bolts from above may rain down any second and interrupt this recap because I can’t help but laugh my ass off at her prayer. She asks God to please give Mattie a birthday gift…James’ eviction. She’s also “asking and seeking and knocking” for God to avenge Mattie by letting Adam or Sheila win the POV. He was “wrongfully executed for nothing, simply because he’s a good-looking guy and has the biggest muscles.” You can’t make this stuff up.
Nothing Says I Love You Like A Rasberry
Meanwhile, Chelsia mounts James to give him a massage as Sharon does the same to Josh on the bed next to them. Eventually, they switch places and Chelsia flashes her boobies once again when she takes off her shirt. Recappers digression here: This is the first time I’ve seen the entirety of the tattoo on Chelsia’s back and I’m totally liking it. It’s about the only thing I like about her. Ok, I now return you to the regularly scheduled recap… James climbs atop Chelsia and pulls her panties down to expose her butt crack and then gives her a raspberry on her ass. He massages her passionately and it seems a lot like foreplay. Even Josh comments that it’s kind of like soft porn as he and Sharon look on wistfully. If those two would leave and take the cameras with them, James and Chelsia would no doubt go at it like drunk monkeys. Heck, if it were up to James, they would do it with the audience. From what I’ve seen, he’s used to that sort of thing anyway.
Natalie has become a raving Biblical lunatic. She keeps quoting scriptures and somehow trying to relate everything to the house, even the most apocalyptic ones. According to her, if God can make mountains and such, he can flip the BB house. Right. God has nothing better to do than forsake war torn countries and starving orphans to intervene in the POV competition on some cuckoo’s behalf. The Bible thumping BJer has also become quite the prophet as a result of all her studying and praying. She fully believes the POV competition will be that night. When Josh jokingly asks her what the Bible says about when the POV will held, she’s so wrapped up in her delusion that she can’t even tell he’s messing with her. She and Sheila read the Bible together and Natalie says that God is in control. No way would he allow James or Josh to win the POV. This girl needs to double her meds when she gets out of the house.
Digging For Gold
The POV competition was held Saturday morning and James once again pulled off the win. Apparently, the competition involved eating gross and disgusting things because James pukes like crazy. The girls all talk about the nasty things they had to eat. The one and only Evel Dick was there for the competition. It sounds like he was sent into the house to wake Adam up(?). It also sounds like it involved pots and pans. Oh, so predictable. Somehow Dick won a Les Paul in the competition and I’m wondering how he gets to win prizes when he’s no longer on the show. Chelsia says he told her there was more nudity this season than his. Also, he loves that Chelsia burps, and farts, and spits. Of course, he does. She speaks his language. The girls discuss the competition and Sheila is raving about Dick’s awesomeness. They comment that he didn’t seem to like Josh. Apparently, he told Josh that he was no gay Evel Dick. Sheila thinks it’s because of the way Josh has treated the women. Nat and Chelsia promptly remind her of Dick’s treatment of Jen and Amber. Sheila, however, claims to have legal issues with Josh that she can’t discuss because her situation involves a minor.
Chelsia is planning to tell Natalie that she’s going to sleep with Matt in sequester in hopes that Nat’s jealousy will keep her in the house. Why these people want to keep messing with a crazy person, I don’t know. When Natalie snaps and goes all Texas Chainsaw on their asses, Skippy better not cut away to Adam up in HoH fondling himself or digging in his nose. Speaking of which, Adam has just carefully selected boogers from each nostril, rolled them between his fingers, and flicked them across the room. Ladies, he’s single and available. However, I advise you not to walk barefoot in his bedroom.
Sheila and Adam fight over who he’s going to put up. Sheila wants Josh on the block something awful. The way she’s talking, he must have gone off on her or Natalie again but of course, we saw nothing. Dear Old Skippy would rather watch Booger Rolling For Dummies. Adam tells Sheila to win her own HoH and then she can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t like the way he’s talking to her and goes to whine to Natalie. Nat tries to calm her down and she gets mad at her for not agreeing with her. Sheila then begs Adam to go upstairs with her so they can talk. She apologizes to him, says she has his back but they have to make it look like they aren’t together. She wants Josh to go home because of the way he treats women and because he used her son against her and because of all the other things we’ve heard over and over. Sharon goes to Adam and gives him an easy out by telling him to put her on the block with Chelsia. She’s sure she has the votes to stay and by doing this, she protects pouty Josh who has been stressing that he’ll be on the block.
Because Bullets Are Easier…
- Natalie wishes she would have been competing in the POV. She says it looked like fun and she’s used to putting disgusting things in her mouth. Truer words have never been spoken.
- James bites his toenails and says Adam doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that can go for a while without sex. Funny, I see him going months and finally paying someone to have sex with him because he can’t find a willing participant.
- Josh asks Nat about being a cheerleader and she makes up more crap. Then she prays “I'm sorry for lying about being a Seahawk cheerleader but they mess with me all the time so I'm just messing with them." Hey, that’s model Christian behavior if I’ve ever seen it.
- James claims to have farted on every part of Chelsia’s body. He also says she likes to be slapped hard in the face repeatedly while getting jiggy with it. Ok, that right there is more than I ever wanted to know about these two but Skippy has obviously been holding out on us.
- James and Chelsia tell Josh that it looks like the head of a penis inside his belly button. Having seen Josh nude, this begs the question…is that where the rest of it has been hiding?
- Sheila says she’s going to win POV and replace Chelsia with Josh. Don’t know how she plans to do this since she isn’t HoH but she’s planning hard with Nat, the other resident psycho. In Sheila’s grand delusion, there is a double eviction and both Josh and James are evicted.
- James tells Josh and Sharon that he will vote Chelsia out regardless of who Adam puts up against her to replace him. He likes Chelsia and she means a lot to him but she’s dragging him down and affecting his game.
- Adam is Polish and says his father didn’t want him circumcised and didn’t let him have his wisdom teeth pulled. Sheila says "There's a lot of like European men who aren't circumcised. Like Brazilians." Looks like Sheila has been studying at the Natalie School of Geography.
- Josh thinks BB tailors the HoH competitions to suit who they want to win.
- Adam complains about being kicked out of his HoH room for 5 hours while Sheila, Josh, Sharon, and Chelsia watch their movie won in the luxury competition. After the movie ends, they come down to say there is a mess of popcorn everywhere. Sounds like Chelsia won a trip to Vegas with a stay in a high roller’s suite. The prize was on her popcorn box and Josh threw popcorn at her.
- James plans to avenge Chelsia’s eviction by taking out Natalie for her and then Sheila and maybe Adam.
- Chelsia thinks James is the only one of this season that would be called back for an All-Stars season. She’s probably right. Unless God ordains Natalie to return to team up with Amber to spread
STDsthe gospel to the house.
- BB made Sharon put a book cover on her Precious Moments Bible. Perhaps the company protested since Adam groping himself while reading isn’t quite the precious moment they were going for.
Crazy Is As Crazy Does
Ryan shares with Sheila that he got word that his grandfather passed away. He won’t tell anyone else in the house because he doesn’t want to appear to be playing the pity card. However, he’s sharing it with Sheila because she’s the mom and he needs to talk to someone. His grandfather was 90 and was proud of him for being there in the house. The DR gave him a letter from his grandmother and they all want him to stay in the house. Sheila finds a way to talk about herself, of course. She tells Ryan of her grandmother’s passing. Later, Ryan reads her the letter from his grandmother. She promises not to tell anyone his secret. Josh is paranoying that Sheila was campaigning against him and pulls Ryan in the storage room to ask him what was going on. Ryan tells him that it was just something personal that he wanted to share with Sheila.
Chelsia gets all boozed up, has a good cry, and goes all Josh on Natalie. She starts cussing her out, slamming her for murdering babies, and calling her white trash. Natalie makes a quick getaway to HoH but Chelsia keeps right on screaming. She yells for everyone to evict her because she hates them all. What a coincidence! So do I! Seems Chelsia and I share something in common after all. Don’t you just love it when BB gives these unstable people alcohol? Chelsia continues to make a huge fool out of herself by going on and on about Natalie’s abortions. She screams that women have fought for the right to have an abortion for years and Natalie is using it as a form of birth control. Josh comes up with the brilliant plan for Chelsia to squirt ketchup all over Natalie and make some classless joke about a third abortion, but Chelsia gets called to the DR. Someone has sense enough to tell her that’s not only juvenile but a really bad idea. Earlier, Chelsia, who was encouraged by Josh, went into the bathroom and tossed several of Natalie’s cosmetic bottles and toiletries into the trash. She then hid some of Nat’s things in the sauna room. She was told by the DR that she had to put it all back.
Sheila gets Natalie to calm down a bit when Chelsia goes into the room and begins to taunt Natalie with the lie that Matt “finger banged” her in the storage room. Natalie says it isn’t true and Chelsia is just jealous. Chelsia brings up to blowjobs Nat performed on days 2 and 3 in the house and she denies that they happened. She insists that it’s all just a rumor. When Chelsia leaves the room, Sheila tells Nat that she heard the rumors too and that even Ryan told her it was true. Natalie still denies it. Two words for you, Nat…You Tube! I’m sure in her little mind, the lies are justified by the fact that she pinky-sweared with Matt that she wouldn’t tell anyone. Or something as simple and ridiculous as that.
Natalie has some wacky new theory about 8’s. She’s got it with the number 8 for some reason and has been counting everything down to flower petals looking for possible connections. It gets really ridiculous here. Ready? …4 times two is 8; 8 divided by 2 is 4; and 8 times 2 is 16. In Natalie’s mind, this means week 8 is a double eviction week. She goes on to spout her crazy 8’s theory to Adam. He looks dumbfounded although that isn’t very hard to do. She begs God for the umpteenth time to let the good people win and to get rid of all the bad people. This are 8 people left, she explains. When one is evicted, that will leave 7. Suddenly, the answer comes to her. Evel Dick was there and Evel Dick has 8 letters. That must mean Dick is returning to the house. Of course, what else could any of this mean? James and Natalie talk in the kitchen. They strike a deal with each other and agree that they’ll leave each other alone next week since they both have other targets in mind. Ryan and Adam know they’re talking and worry that Natalie could join James’ side.
Chelsia proposes a deal to Adam. She can’t give him her Vegas trip but will take him with her if he puts up Sheila or Natalie in James’ place. Adam tells her he can’t do it. One, she wouldn’t have the votes; and two, he promised them safety this week. Natalie is with Ryan rehashing her crazy 8’s theory and the wild idea that Evel Dick is returning since his name has 8 letters. Almost makes me wish Adam would take Chelsia’s deal.
Resurrection Power, Fill Me This Hour
Earlier, James came out of the DR to tell Chelsia they could have sex in there behind the couch as long as their heads were visible. Chelsia can’t believe he asked them that question. I can’t believe the DR is accessible for conjugal visits. Now, James is wearing his pink undies while he and Chelsia make out all hot and heavy in the sauna room. James is visibly aroused and keeps asking her to let him get a blanket so they can have sex underneath. He even tells her there are no live feeds in the sauna room although I suspect he knows there are. She keeps saying no but doesn’t stop him from dry humping her. At one point, his hand is obviously in her pants. Or as Chelsia would say, he finger banged her. They move to the bathroom couch where the humpfest continues. James tries to persuade her to go into the WC with him since no cameras are in there. Josh interrupts them and James tells him they were about to have sex. Josh sticks around anyway and tells them how depressed he is. He’s eating tons of ice cream. They then discuss who they want out of the house and why and how before turning in.
Easter Sunday, James wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. He is pissed when he realizes Chelsia boiled all of their eggs with the hope that they’ll get egg dye. James wanted to fry an egg for breakfast and now he can’t. Chelsia tells Ryan that she plans to go out with a bang this week. He reassures her that everyone likes her but they need to split up her and James. It’s all game. Sharon goes to the storage room to find a huge Easter basket for all of them. It’s full of candy, chocolate bunnies, egg dye, and paint set for Natalie, camo decorations for Sharon, rainbow decorations for Josh, a nicotine patch for Ryan. Everyone is thrilled except for James. He’s still pissed about the eggs. They all shove candy in their faces and the girls decorate their eggs.
Egg dying must be hard work. Either that or they all crash hard after the sugar rush because the entire house takes an afternoon nap. Josh wakes up in the backyard and begins to talk to himself. Among other things, he wants Natalie to be evicted, he slams Sheila for her mismatched bathing suits, and complains that he’s the only gay person in the house. The rant goes on for about 15 minutes. He keeps repeating that he’s going crazy from being in the house. Suddenly, he burst into prayer and I burst into laughter. He asks God to help him and Sharon to make it to the end of the game. And since it’s resurrection Sunday, he asks that he be resurrected in the game. Not finished with his show for the cameras yet, Josh grabs his lotion and prays some more while “moisturizing his atrocious legs.” He goes on to tell God that he’d give up a week’s stipend for a cocktail or any other controlled substance. He should have asked Evel Dick for help with that one, not the Big Guy. Before finishing his prayer, Josh adds one final request. If he sees Nat’s “high set vagina” one more time, he’ll be compelled to sew it up. So he asks God to give her the guidance to keep her vagina to herself. This is why he is a gay American. Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up!
By the way, James did remove himself from the block and Sharon is his replacement nominee. Looks like Chelsia is indeed on her way out. At least, she got her wish...she's going out with a bang!
Can you flick boogers farther than Adam? PM me.