*This recap covers events in the house from Monday to Thursday*
Monday morning, and Matt’s still looking like someone licked all the red off his candy. He hasn’t jumped in the pool and drowned himself yet as he threatened previously (what a drama queen), but he does vow to leave the house in style. I haven’t been impressed by Matt’s abilities to send the other hamsters scurrying away in tears, so I won’t get my hopes up. It’s all a bunch of blustering BS.
Sheila continues her theme of It’s All About Me, and manages to bond with Natalie in a house full of heathens. Sheila’s got a plan, people, and it’s to get the “bad people” out so a good person will win. Natalie tells her that they need to get together and pray every night for the good people to vanquish the sinners. Sheila nods, eyes bugging, and wishes that Evel Dick would be the twist, so he could come in the house and rip the bad people a new orifice. Sheila, hon, I’ve got news for you - Dick is the King of the Bad People. He’d have you in the fetal position in a corner crying and sucking your thumb quicker than you could say “But I’m a single parent too!”
Adam's "Dirty Little Secret": he's eight months pregnant.
Matt gets his second wind, campaigning like mad to stay in the house “just one more week!” He begs, whines, hounds, brings up his mom, how he hasn’t done anything to anyone...basically driving everyone insane, Allison-style. Neither Matt nor Allison know the meaning of subtlety. Of course Natalie pleads Matt’s case to anyone who can’t run away fast enough. I half expect her to make up nail polish campaign posters and stake them around the backyard. All this pisses Ryan off, since nobody is around to campaign on his behalf.
While the hamsters spend their afternoon sleeping, eating, and working on future melanomas, James, Josh, and Chelsia hatch The Plan: Chelsia is to pretend that she’s fed up with James, and tell Nat and Matt that she’s going to defect and vote to keep Matt. Natalie will run and tell Sheila, who will flip and vote out Ryan also. James is hoping for a tie so he can break it and still vote out Matt - but Ryan will be mad that Sheila and Natalie voted against him. Or so he hopes.
It’s time for the half-way party once again, complete with cake, booze, and pizza. Everyone tears in, and when the feeds come back, Josh is party-pooping. He feels like he’s wasted the last 40 days of his life (I know the feeling, man). No good drunken after party feeds for us, just mopey Josh, a half-eaten cake, and some nonsense Natalie makes up about being a Seahawks cheerleader. She’s not, but these numbskulls buy it. Matt cuts his face off the cake and puts it in the freezer before Natalie eats it or makes a shrine to it. Adam continues wandering the house with one hand down his pants and the other up his nose, all without ever washing his paws.
James did WHAT to these chips?! But...I'm a single mother!!
Joshie’s inner bitch surfaces once again Tuesday, as he vows to rip into Sheila and Natalie on the live show if they dare to win HoH. Same old ammunition, Nat’s mom, Sheila’s son, and he promises it’ll be even better than his other attacks. “It will involve a restraining order outside the house!” he crows. Uh, maybe not, as Big Brother shuts him down with a warning to keep it zipped after Sheila complained. Big Brother did NOT tell James to keep it zipped - he shaved all his pubes off and left a pile as a present in the bathroom soap dish for some unsuspecting hamster. He also made a fake mustache out of them as Chelsia giggled. I tell you what, these people have done wonders for my bad habit of snacking while watching the feeds. Instead of a bag of Cheetos I may have to switch to a barf bucket.
Wednesday’s live show comes and goes, and Matt goes along with it. No more sucky sucky for Natalie. James got to break the tie and boot ol’ Wonky Eye, but didn’t give the nasty little speech he thought about giving. Another smackdown from BB? Josh was also strangely silent, not a peep. Everyone’s favorite knuckledragger, Adam, wins HoH and immediately grows two new appendages in the form of Sheila and Natalie, who each pick a butt cheek and get to kissing. Adam sets up the little desk in his room to hold interviews with the others. It’s hilarious. Sheila, jonesing for some Tylenol PM, tries to get one of Adam’s HoH beers and he shoots her down. Ha. Josh wastes no time in holding court with Adam, gleefully ratting out his three alliance members and their plans to swap bedmates to throw Adam off. Chelsia slept with Josh, Sharon slept with James to make the others think James and Chelsia were no longer a couple. Hey, I didn’t say it was a great plan, but Josh tattled anyway.
This is how Adam gets all the ladies. To run away screaming.
They had a gambling-themed luxury comp later on where BB made them dress up. Sheila, Josh, and possibly James and Sharon (?) won a viewing of the movie 21, and there may have been a trip to Vegas up for grabs. Bet Allison is pissed.
In between biting their nails over Adam’s nominations and pleading their cases, the hamsters discuss Julie’s revelation that Alex could have been back in the house. Nobody can believe that Parker came in second, and the “Bible Buddies” laugh it up over their new name, saying the word concubine over and over. Easily amused, these guys. Natalie tries to scare the tar out of Adam, saying now that Matt is gone, she’ll have to chase Adam around the house instead. BB takes pity on him and calls him to the DR. Natalie goes to wistfully stare at Matt’s now darkened picture, thinking of how quickly she can get her stuff packed and moved to Boston when she gets out of there.
So who did ball-scratcher Adam put up? James and Chelsia, of course. Sheila and Natalie worship at Adam’s feet for putting Team Heathen on the block while James rants and raves and makes fun of Adam’s speech. Chelsia suggests that James do something perverted to the chocolate milk while Josh frets that he’ll be backdoored. Chelsia also tells the guys she’ll threaten to go to sequester and sex it up with Matt to get a vote from Natalie to stay, but James jokingly tells her “Don’t hustle your vagina to get votes!” They soon calm down and set their sights on the POV comp. James and Chelsia begin making out with Josh watching (a giggly Josh even put his hand on James’ famous appendage for a second) - James says this is why we’re being evicted, so why not just go ahead and do it? Not that we get to see anything good, because Skippy immediately slams us to Sheila in the cursed room, wallowing in bed. Damn you, Skippy.
Looks like the carpet doesn't match the drapes...
Adam reveals that he had to kick Natalie and Sheila out of his HoH room because they would NOT leave him alone with their incessant babbling. James tells Chelsia that if they offer a prize during the veto comp, he’s going to take it and bow out: “There’s no chance for me to win this game.” The POV players are chosen, and it looks like everyone gets to play but Ryan and Natalie. So much for Natalie’s righteous blatherings about winning something and avenging her soul mate.
Evel Dick is supposed to be giving a 5 am wake-up call to our little den of iniquity this weekend for those of you so inclined to stay up late (or get up early) and watch such things. The POV is rumored to be a marathon comp, 4 to 5 hours long.
Stuff you'll wish you hadn't read:
Thanks to Snapit for another great cap!
- Chelsia popped a zit on James’ back and it squirted back in her mouth.
- Matt told Sheila she’s not mental, she’s “sensitive.” *snort*
- Resident scrotum expert Natalie on how to tell the male guinea pigs: they have huge balls.
- Josh claims that the DR told him he’s gotten more warnings than anyone in BB history.
- James admitted to Chelsia that he had sex with guys before he came on the show, but hasn’t spilled the beans about his porn movies. Yet.
- Natalie wants to open up a protein shake shop. The jokes just write themselves with that one.
- The houseguests got the smaller dining table, but if Ryan keeps eating like he does, they’ll have to trade back up to the old one.
- James masturbated and put it in the bathroom sink. Oy. This is going to be a disgusting weekend.