This recap covers events in the house from Friday to Sunday.
Just a brief rundown of the POV competition in case you missed waywyrd’s stellar recap. Chelsia won the veto and the plan is to remove herself and backdoor Matt. Sharon won a slop pass. Josh won a letter from home. Big Baller won a motorcycle. Ryan won ten grand. And Sheila gets to wear Jen’s red unitard for a week.
Ten Minutes To Wapner
Friday night and I’m watching Crazy Natalie roam the house. She’s counting crap, writing it all with nail polish, and going over it dozens of times like Rain Man. In her mind, she’s solved some puzzle. Apparently, it all means that sequester is on a cruise ship and she’s figured it all out. She rambles on about a plus sign, a minus sign, a dove, an apple, a chicken, a cherry, and 28 something or other. She and Sheila work for hours on this puzzle and are convinced it has something to do with a cruise ship. I’d explain it all but I don’t speak stupid. Eventually, they figure out it's the sequester house at a beach, not a boat. They think it must mean Malibu and Big Brother 9 equals Beach House. Oh, and Big Brother finally took away her fingernail polish notes. They let her run around scribbling them out for days and then up and decide to take them away. Natalie speculates it’s because she was close to figuring it all out. If they’re right, color me damn surprised!
Sheila works on Ryan and tells him they’ll never give him the money in the end because he was with Jen. She tries to convince him to turn on Chelsia and James’ crew to join them(her, Adam, Matt, and Nat). Ryan spills the beans to Matt about the plan to backdoor him. They think putting James up in Chelsia’s place is a smart move. The two meet with Adam in HOH and they discuss the new plan. Ryan tells them to be nice to Natalie since she’s cooking for them, doing their laundry, figuring out the puzzle, and bringing them info about the other side. Heaven help them if they’re depending on Natalie’s brain. Matt thinks the other side(James, Chelsia, Josh, and Sharon) are all about backdooring someone because they have a gay guy in their group. What the hell?? That has to be just as ignorant as his “gay guys are like women” comment.
James and Josh are completely unaware of the doublecross. They still think Matt is going up in Chelsia’s place. Oh, the look on their grubby little faces when Ryan puts up James! It will be priceless. Maybe even as good as this…
James and Josh spend part of the day in the kitchen building a castle out of slop. They use bowls and molds to form the slop. They even burn a batch of it so badly that it stinks up the house. Somehow, they end up having a slop fight. Oh, and somehow Chelsia ends up topless. They throw the slop all over her and each other. She covers her boobies most of the time with her hand but still has the slop all over her, even in her underwear. Afterwards, James strips naked and showers outside in freezing cold water. Chelsia’s cold shower follows before they clean up their mess in the kitchen. I swear this season is one big frat party.
Eventually, Chelsia gets suspicious about Ryan and Matt hanging out like BFFs. She wonders if they might be changing the plan to backdoor Matt and considers not using the veto just to screw with their plan. Josh is a little paranoid and talks to Sheila about it. Sheila convinces him that Ryan would never do something like that. Chelsia goes up to HOH to discuss the plan with Ryan. She wants reassurance that he’s going through with the plan to backdoor Matt. He convinces her that he is but when she leaves he talks to himself, revealing that he’s lying to her. He says that he’s going to flip the entire house upside down.
- Ryan rigged the kitchen sprayer like Dick did last year and Sheila gets it. She’s pissed because she has to wear the unitard. She pulls it down and throws a t-shirt on top until it can dry. Earlier, she and Sharon turned it into a modest version of Jen’s skankini so she could lay out in it. I hope she still has some Monistat because after a week in that thing, the yeast will have multiplied.
- Sheila, Sharon, and Chelsia discuss previous seasons of the show. They love Marcellus, compare Josh to Dr. Will(Are you freaking kidding me?), and they think Chicken George was on seasons 6 and 7. I’m pretty sure 6 + 7 =13 and their collective IQ.
- Sheila’s latest ailment is a toothache. She wants Tylenol PM. This chick must have an addiction. She says she tried to smuggle them into the house but Big Brother found where she’d hidden them all.
- Natalie says she seriously thought of killing her ex. She also wanted to kill herself. She thought of driving her car off a cliff and wanted someone to hit her with a baseball bat. I don’t think this apple falls very far from the tree.
- Sharon carries around a worn blue security blanket a la Linus. Even she has issues.
- In an afternoon of boredom, the hamsters jump in the pool. Matt, Natalie, Adam, Chelsia and Ryan swim in circles yelling, “It's a whirlpool! It's whirlpool!”
- Adam was in an accident and says he was actually dead in the car. Also, his face was messed up pretty badly. Well, that explains a whole hell of a lot.
- Sheila claims she was once offered a million dollars for sex but turned it down.
If It Smells Like Tuna…
We go to flames for the POV ceremony and when the feeds return, it’s obvious that James is on the block. Chelsia is looking pissed and quizzing Adam about whether or not he is with them. He plays dumb which isn’t too hard. She then goes off on Matt who says it was all his plan from the beginning. However, for some reason, they have in their heads that Natalie was the brainchild behind the plan. Sheila and Natalie are also playing dumb about the plan. Again, not too hard. Josh then tells Chelsia that Natalie told them about Allison washing her hands after giving Chelsea a hand job and that this must mean that Chelsia’s hoohah is smelly. Chelsia storms into the house and drops trou right in front of Natalie. She props her foot on the back of the couch right by Nat’s head and tells her to smell it and tell her if it stinks. Natalie taunts her that her alliance is breaking up and there’s nothing she can do about it. That’s what they get for messing with her boy, Mattie. Chelsia tells her she’ll be heartbroken when she gets out of the house and sees how much crap Matt has talked about her. Taking a page from Evel Dick’s book, James walks by and dumps pickle juice on Natalie’s head. Josh passes right behind him and dumps ice water on her. Real mature, guys! Exactly what I’d expect from any of these houseguests. Matt gets all indignant and tells Ryan that he can’t let them do that to her. I don’t know what he expects Ryan to do. He doesn’t have much of a spine. Matt seems to want to go after James but comments that he can’t hit him. Nat questions Big Brother about whether they’ll be kicked out now and Chelsia, who is laughing hysterically the entire time, reminds them that Dick dumped tea on Jen. When Evel Dick is someone’s role model, there are bound to be problems. Josh goes on a rant against Natalie similar to the way he did against Amanda and then Allison. He calls her every nasty name in the book and ridicules her for her abortions and her institutionalized mother. Natalie remains surprisingly calm during Josh’s outburst, other than her yelling out random prophecies about God raining down his blessings on the house and that their alliance is f***ed. Or something like that.
In the midst of all the drama, Chelsia claims they keep putting something in her water. Matt is in the backyard ranting to Sharon and Sheila about Josh and how uncool he’s being yelling at Natalie. He even speaks to Josh’s mom through the camera about what a horrible job she’s done raising her son. Natalie comes out and tells him that they hid her Bible. She says she’s going to the DR to ask for it back. Matt sits her down and tries to coach her on what to say to Josh. He tells her to use his sexuality against him by asking if his dad is proud to have a gay son. Natalie refuses to stoop to Josh’s level and says she’ll just shower him with God’s blessings. She’s got more restraint than I do, that’s for certain. If he dared talk to me that way, I’d light his ass up like a firecracker. But she’s got Jesus and all. Matt then tells Natalie to make fun of James for being homeless but again, she says she can’t do that. God will only protect her if she doesn’t stoop to his level. Meanwhile, Josh hides his things in Chelsia’s room just in case they try to go after them.
Josh comes outside where Matt and Natalie are and Matt shuts him down cold. He tells Josh that he’s crossing the line by calling the girls the names that he has and by making fun of things like Amanda’s dad’s suicide, Natalie’s abortions, and her mom. He tells him that outside the house he would beat the s**t out of him. Josh doesn’t say anything. He's probably afraid mattie will kick his prissy ass if he does. Chelsia does speak up a couple times. Matt pretty much shuts her down too. In the kitchen, Natalie destroys Josh’s slop castle. Matt tells her to go throw it on him but she dumps it into the trash instead. Later in HOH, Matt and Natalie are talking to Ryan. It’s mostly hash and rehash of the afternoon’s events. Matt comments that America hates them because America hates gays. According to him, that’s why gay marriages are not allowed. Methinks Matt has some issues himself regarding homosexuality.
Sheila is paranoid that Josh will go off on her next. She and Sharon get together to discuss the day’s events and form a secret alliance. Sharon pats herself on the back for keeping her mouth shut and Sheila begs her to keep Josh off her back. Sharon wants their alliance to fly under the radar the way Danielle and Jason did in season 2.
For most of the evening, Chelsia has stressed over her smelly hoohah, Natalie has stressed over her missing Bible, and Josh is now missing his glasses. Nat tells him he’ll get them back when she gets her Bible. How old are these people? James comments that he wants to pee on her Bible but they tell him he can’t do that. Chelsia figures they can try to strong arm Sheila over to their side and Josh is obsessing over how Ryan lied to their faces. Welcome to Big Brother, Josh. They count and recount the votes and try to figure out a way to keep James in the house. Josh, Sharon's "partner," has officially thrown her under the bus proclaiming, “She was already evicted once. Send her back there.”
Big thanks to waywyrd for the screen caps including the one of Dustin’s ugly mug.
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