For once this season, I am pleased to report that there were no, I repeat, NO, drunken hamster stripteases, no undercover blowjobs, no naked hot tubbing, no bathroom sex. So far. It’s a record! They’ve made it halfway through the week without causing me to wonder if Real has screwed up and given me bad porn feeds instead of Big Brother. For that, I am thankful.
That’s not to say they weren’t their usual little disgusting selves, however. My week begins with Adam accusing Allison of leaving skidmarks in her shorts. James, the human tripod, calls Adam out on it to Allison while Big Baller Adam looks like he wants to crawl into a hole somewhere. Which isn’t such a bad idea, really. I'm sure tired of watching him play pocket pool. Allison vehemently denies staining her drawers, running to get half her wardrobe and laying it out for the guys to inspect. Which they do. Class, thy name is Big Brother 9.
Hey, if I have to watch it, you have to read it.
And so goes the week. A rift continues to develop between Matt and James, with James pimping out Chelsia to screw up Matt’s game and Matt thinking that if he schmoozed James’ girl, it would drive James crazy. James let it be known that he wouldn’t be above attacking Natalie with some personal stuff, like her schizophrenic mom story - this flips Mattie out for some reason. The guy who grinned like the Cheshire Cat at the camera after letting Natalie play with his joystick suddenly wants to defend her honor? Yeah, okay.
King (Queen?) Josh, his gut, and Sharon spend a good bit of time in the HoH lair on the spy cam, bashing the other hamsters mercilessly. This, just a day after he prayed for forgiveness for being such a nasty bastard to everyone. Natalie and Sheila become new bible-thumping buddies, with Natalie denouncing James and Chelsia as heathens. Because they “don’t have faith,” Nat claims, all they have is jealousy, anger, and greed. Our Lady Of Not-So-Discreet Blowjobs also decrees that Jameka and Amber (ugh, flashback!) screwed up by begging to God, and that’s not the way to do it. You’ve just got to believe, Nat says. Sheila plays up to all this, nodding and bugging her eyes out when appropriate.
Eat hot death, Allison! aka Josh needs his meds, stat.
Sharon tells the epic tale of How Jacob Cheated On Me to whomever can stay awake long enough to hear the whole thing. Adam ponders holding out on his bros and keeping his cigarettes to himself, since James and Ryan are out. Josh and Allison argue like 12 year olds several times. “You’ll be portrayed as the psychotic bitch and I’ll be the funny crazy gay,” Josh smirks. Allison tells him he’s hateful, and he tells her to go make out with people for votes. Whatever happened to the Big Brother Restraining Order?
Matt keeps with his plan of being the Big Brother gigolo, once again laying it on Sharon while she lies motionless on the bed. I reminisce about Eric slobbing all over Jessica while she lay comatose in bed. Good times. Sharon later laughs to Josh about how she’s playing him, while he thinks he’s playing her. Ugh.
Somewhere, Howie and Janelle are shaking their heads in shame. Natalie does her own moronic version of Jedi training (in her underwear, of course), obsessively counting things, memorizing faux book titles, and making nailpolish cheatsheets out of napkins. The other hamsters (well, mainly Josh) cry foul over this, saying she’s not allowed to like, write things down and stuff. I’m just wondering why Natalie goes to all that work and then flits about the house telling everyone her theories. Until I realize that Natalie lives in an alternate universe full of rainbows, puppy dogs, and gaily singing mermaids, where unicorns roam the land, farting essence of vanilla and Matt will eventually realize that she is his one true love.
Fighting plaque before swapping spit. Always a good idea.
Allison gets in on the idiocy with her own theories, babbling about colored blocks, room colors, 8 things in each room in pairs of two. Dividing one hamsters name into the other. Something about the guinea pig cage. The lights flicker as she yammers on, and she freaks out, running to Ryan. She spills to Ryan about what an awesome gambler she is, and how intelligent she is for figuring out the puzzle. Only she could have done it, of course. Snore. I’m not quite sure what she thinks she’s figured out, but Allison is certain she has. Well then.
Paranoia runs rampant as the hamsters fret about the upcoming twist. Theories are whispered, Josh flips out. He paces, yells at nothing in particular, paces some more. I believe this is the manic part of his bipolar-ness. Lithium, anyone? Josh is nervousing that the twist will somehow save Allison, and rants about viruses, nail polish, how good his hair looks, and makes weird roaring noises. Sharon and Sheila try to comfort the drama queen, to no avail. Mysteriously, the picture of Sharon and cheater Jacob falls off the wall and breaks. Hmm.
Why haven’t I brought up any strategy talk yet? Because they confused the hell out of me this week. Between the two-faced promises and the constantly changing minds, I couldn’t keep up with who wanted to vote out who this week. As you know by now, however, Allison and Ryan were the unanimous bootees until Julie sprung her nuclear accident siren “twist” on them, bringing the overjoyed Alli and Ryan back into the house. Allison’s joy was quickly smashed into little quivering bits when Julie told them they would hold another vote, this time evicting only one of them. No more couples, and no more Allison. She and her third eye pouted their way out of the house as the others celebrated.
I got your crooked eye right heah, buddy!
Shouts of happiness filled the air as they were released from their “marriages.” Adam? Sooo happy. Matt? Ecstatic. Natalie immediately begins begging Matt to stay on her side, but he announces that she will not be sleeping in HIS bed. In a rare show of having a spine, she refuses to leave the bed. He ends up sleeping with her anyway, not finding any of the other open beds to his liking. Ha. Sheila moves to the boat room to get away from Adam’s snoring. The only couple that wants to stay “together” is James and Chelsia, it seems. Even they get a little paranoid, realizing each has information the other could use against them.
Things that make you go...WTF?
- Natalie believes that America thinks she and Matt are the cutest couple. Poor, delusional Natalie.
- Sheila left home at 14. Her “book deal” has also been sitting on her agent’s desk for 8 years - the first ghostwriter didn’t think there was much of a story to tell.
- Natalie, in the throes of one of her counting fits, thought there were 27 letters in the alphabet. Ryan informs her that there are only 26.
- Adam told Matt that he was part of the team that designed the challenges for The Apprentice. Uh...okay.
- Allison, gambler extraordinaire, didn’t pay for her storage unit and lost a bunch of childhood pictures.
- Allison also thinks this is the highest rated BB ever. Poor, delusional, evicted Allison.
- Sheila wants Dr. Will to botox her face. And get rid of her turkey neck wattles. And implant a pleasant personality.
- Adam smokes a joint every morning before going to work..
- Matt shaves his hands and arms. Occasionally his knuckles. Ew.
- Josh speculates that Neil was yanked out of the house for doing Julie Chen impressions. As if.
- Adam says his pinky fingers are crooked because his mom put them in a vise. This explains much.
Ryan wins HoH, booting a downtrodden Josh out of his kingdom. Chapstick for all, as they line up to kiss Ryan’s behind. It quickly turns into a boys versus girls theme - except Chelsia sees the writing on the wall and wants in the boy’s club. Bad. She hangs with the four guys in the HoH room, asking to be part of their alliance. “Your application will be taken into consideration,” snarks Matt. Chelsia later finds James, and they both say they want to work together, but shouldn’t sleep together to “play it safe” in front of the others. They then proceed to make out, because that’s playing it safe, I suppose.
Must...not...listen to...bad voices in my...head...
Sheila, in a last ditch attempt to stay in the game, tells Matt that it would be just fine with her if she were to make out with someone in the house. Matt ignores this, as well he should. Nobody wants to give you any nookie, woman. Deal. Sheila then brings up the “rumor” about Natalie and Matt, and he only owns up to a little kiss, sending feed watchers everywhere into fits of laughter.
Food comp was held, sounding like the oldie but goodie “Spell This Food” we’ve all come to know and laugh at. There were bathing suits (imagine that), foul brown liquid, and Natalie couldn’t spell the word “cereal,” thinking it began with an ‘s.’ She also thought the capital of West Virginia was Delaware. Really. The others wear that story out, telling it about a zillion times. Josh, Sharon, Chelsia, and Sheila are on slop, and the guys can’t wait for Sheila’s Big Slop Meltdown.
The He-Man Woman Haters Club, consisting of Ryan, James, Adam, and Matt convene in the HoH room and pick nominees. They ultimately choose Chelsia and Sharon, with the intent of booting Sharon. Josh or Sheila would be a replacement nominee if one of the girls wins POV. Of course, this could change over the weekend, knowing these nitwits. Ryan tells the boys to act all surprised at the ceremony, and to keep it a secret. Mr. Keep-It-A-Secret then spills the beans to Chelsia, who is understandably unhappy at being the pawn. James and Ryan insist she’s safe.
Natalie spends more time in la-la land, telling the others that she’s going to be on sitcoms and move to L.A. and be on Letterman. Matt wants to see her acting chops, so she pretends to birth a baby while Adam plays doctor. They deliver a healthy baby ball. I can’t make this stuff up, people. Matt makes fun of her “acting,” so she takes her toys and leaves, running to tell Josh, Sharon, and Sheila how they were putting her down. Josh suggests that they tell Ryan to backdoor Matt, and they’d all promise to vote him out and keep Ryan safe for two weeks. Nat says Ryan wouldn’t do his boy Matt like that. Josh declares them the Women’s Murder Club, but Sheila doesn’t like that name. They change the name to Operation Crooked Eye, or Operation C for short in honor of Matt’s wonky eye.
Of course, Natalie runs to tell Matt of the plan to backdoor him. The twit.
I didn't tell Matt. I didn't! Put that knife down, Josh! Josh!!
Ryan warms to the idea of putting Matt up, encouraged by James, Chelsia, Sheila and Josh. Nobody tells Natalie a thing, knowing that they may as well announce it on the loudspeaker if they tell her anything. Veto comp was held, and Chelsia pulled it off, winning the veto. Other winners were Sharon, with a slop pass; a letter from home for Josh; a motorcycle for Adam; Ryan (I believe) got ten grand; and Sheila gets stuck in Jen’s red unitard for a week. I was hoping they burned that thing last year.
Matt, thinking of possible twists: "What if America votes Allison back in?"
Josh: "I would f***ing commit suicide!"
A big thanks to Snapit for the screencaps, and my apologies to Mr. Steinbeck.