*This is a recap of events from Monday through Thursday*
What better way to start out the week than with yet another drunken striptease/sleazefest? Oh, yeah. Late Sunday night, the booze was flowing and the boobs were bouncing. And I’ll bet you can guess who the participants were – that’s right, Natalie and Chelsia, accompanied by Joshuah banging out a beat on a makeshift drum, resplendent in a candy thong wedged up his behind. What a sight. While the girls slithered all over the guys (I do believe bug-eyed Adam was drooling on his shirt), someone came up with the bright idea to make fake money out of napkins and it ended up getting stuck in all sorts of unmentionable places. Nat and Chelsia tried to demurely stick tissue “money” over their nipples, having taken their tops off. Wouldn’t want to seem too skanky, now, would we?
Whipped cream made an appearance, Natalie showed the rest of the house just how much she loves cucumbers – literally – and after a bit of butt-spanking and kissing between Nat and Chelsia, the party moved out to the pool.
It gets worse.
A topless Chelsia and Natalie sat atop their partner’s shoulders in the pool, wrestling until one of them fell off. This went on for several rounds until Big Brother told them to knock it off, lest one of their empty little heads get cracked open on the side of the pool. James blessed us all with another performance of his infamous “taint slap,” this time with a much better angle from the cameras. Or worse, depending on your appreciation of said slappage. Then, our horny little hamsters decide to hold a make out party. James and Joshuah locked lips, James and Natalie, Natalie and Chelsia, Natalie and Adam (ew), Chelsia and Matt, James and Sharon, Alex and Natalie...you get the idea. Matt, for his part, did a damn good job of keeping Natalie from jumping his bones. Ryan was a good boy and just observed. This kind of revelry calls for some shots. Penicillin shots, that is.
Didn't anyone tell Nat in stripper school that the money doesn't go there?
The only holdouts were the “virginal” Amanda; Sheila, who would only show boobage if you bought the magazine, I suppose; and Allison, who just decided to keep her little chesticles to herself, thank you very much. They huddled inside making disparaging comments, but “not judging.” Ha. James and The Giant
PeachPenis tried to get them to join the fun, but he and his wenis only scared them further into the house. Natalie and Chelsia also tried to coax them out, to no avail. Thankfully, the hamsters ran out of steam (or hormones) and wound it down as Sharon and Alex smooched away in the hot tub. Sharon did a lot of sharin’ tonight, much to my surprise. Once they all straggle into the house and share the dirty details, Amanda begins a lecture on herpes and how you can catch it. I kept waiting for her to give a PowerPoint presentation, complete with pictures.
And that was only one night. Need to take a hot shower after reading all that? Go ahead, I’ll wait.
This is the stuff nightmares are made of.
All better now? Okay, moving on. Allison retold her near death experience for the eleventy-billionth time – “I…I, like, almost died!” – as the bored hamsters made bowling pins out of containers and held arts and crafts class with nail polish. Come on BB, give them some craft kits or something to play with. Somebody found a supply of flavored dental dams in a drawer - not exactly crafty, Big Brother - and the hamsters had some fun playing with them, but didn’t use them for their intended purpose. Yet. If you don’t know what they’re for, Google is your friend.
Chelsia, James, Sharon, Joshuah, Allison and Ryan discussed ad nauseum their plans to evict Matt and Natalie on Wednesday. This was already decided days ago, yet they still blather on about it. When Allison leaves, Josh tells the others that he doesn’t trust her. And with good reason! Apparently, Chelsia let it slip that her ideal final four would be Chelsia, James, Josh and Sharon. Hmm, no Allison on that list. So Alli and Ryan make a deal with Matt and Nat to go to final four, unbeknownst to the others. Alex vowed not to campaign against his boy Matt, so Amanda tries to schmooze Ryan on his behalf, getting nowhere.
Sleaze break! Natalie, not wanting to let James perform all the Stupid Human Tricks, shows the girls that she can squirt milk from her nipples at any time. They’re amazed. I’m disgusted. Nat shares that she has had two abortions, and thinks this is the reason. Sheila thinks it’s abnormal (now that’s saying something), and says that Nat should see a doctor about it. Not content with freaking them out, Nat also decides to gross them out and shares a story about “losing” a tampon for five days. Her boyfriend followed his nose and discovered the wayward tampon. All together now: “ewwww!” I wonder if this is the same dude who changed his number and didn’t tell her after they’d been dating for three years?
How could Ryan NOT fall for me over Jen?
Back to strategy - Allison lets it be known that she wants to keep Matt and Natalie, which angers James. And Josh. They try and reason with her, but she’s not listening. Why keep a strong couple over a slop-weakened Alex and Amanda? In a last ditch attempt, poor Alex gets suckered into telling Allison about Matt’s plans to get a blowjob out of her and then trash her in the DR. It backfires. She rips into Alex as his alliance leaves him hanging out to dry - Allison basically tells Alex that if Amanda weren’t so horrible to her and Alex had bothered to get to know her, things would be different. Allison is peeved that Alex hasn’t campaigned to stay. Matt is called up to do some ‘splaining and weasels his way out of it, saying he’s just a flirt and it was all said in good fun.
So, as predicted, Amanda and Alex are evicted by a vote of 3-0. Amanda bawls, Alex says his goodbye, youse guys, and off they go. Operation Condor is a go! Caw-caw! Joshuah and Sharon won HoH, but he still seethes with rage at Allison for screwing his plans up. At some point he got in her face and went off on her, supposedly threatening to slit Allison’s throat and calling her a whore, bitch, etc. Josh did admit later to talking junk between commercial breaks during the HoH comp, and later in the kitchen, but I’ve yet to hear any other houseguest confirm Allison’s version. Allison, for her part, gets on her sanctimonious high horse and whines about how Ryan and the other guys just stand back and let Joshuah threaten her. The men in the house are lame, she says. Lame! If Ryan was a real man he would have defended her honor. But, she won’t let it bother her. Not one bit. Though she brings it up every thirty seconds, she’s not gonna let it bother her. Nope.
Allison spends too much time sniffing the nail polish.
That’s why she threatens to leave the house. I’m not staying in this house with someone that’s mentally unstable, Alli announces. Well, hell...that leaves out most of the cast. She tells everyone that will sit still about how “she has a life outside of this house.” Ryan’s eyes glaze over as he pretends to listen, a talent I’m sure he’s perfected while dating Jen. Time for a rousing chorus of “I Didn’t Sign Up For This!” led by Allison. Fortunately, the hamsters stifle it long enough to enjoy their pizza party. Alli chews morosely as Chelsia wonders why one of the pizzas smells like fish. Hey, that reminds me...where IS Natalie?
Sometime during all of this, Chelsia and Matt slip off to the storage room and make out. I wonder where THAT came from? I also wonder...does Adam ever blink?
After many trips to the DR and several logs worth of flames, it has been decreed that Joshuah shall stay five feet away from Allison at all times. Huh? Even Jen couldn’t get a Big Brother restraining order last year on Dick. Ryan and Allison rehash in the sauna, and Captain Obvious Ryan states that “we’re in trouble.”
Somebody needs a Valium.
Restraining order be damned, Allison and Josh get into it again in the backyard and she flounces inside, threatening to leave, sue, throw comps, and just generally be a bitch. Someone fills in Ryan on lesbiangate (seriously, where the hell has HE been?) and he goes to confront Allison. Where was the strategy in that, he asks. What was the logic of coming in the house with a secret girlfriend and spilling the beans after three days, she counters. “You screwed us!”, says Ryan. He can’t trust or believe what she says, and leaves. Not to be left out of the fun, Matt and Natalie argue. She claims he’s a jerk to her, he says she’s being clingy and weird, you know the story. Where’s the love? Where’s the appreciation for services rendered?
While waiting for the food comp to begin (nobody’s on slop this week), Allison and Joshuah get into it again, arguing over who is smarter based on who makes more money and who has more degrees. She once again threatens to sue him, he laughs and tells her to put more mascara on her “third eye” - that little mole under her eye. Josh then holds court in the HoH room, calling everyone BUT Alli and Ryan. Nobody wants to be the pawn, they debate the virtue of backdooring...and Allison runs up to do some major asskissing, begging and trying to make deals. She blames her actions on the meds she’s been taking. A few people look like they’re falling for her BS, and James flips out: “you guys must be smoking f***ing crack if you don’t get rid of Allison!” Josh ain’t buying it, either. Natalie sees her opportunity to take the heat off her and Matt, stirring the pot as much as she can and getting people pissed at Allison.
It worked, sort of. Ryan and Allison and Matt and Natalie are nominated this week.
Random, stupid trivia:
- Alex still lives with his mom.
- Amanda supposedly had a friend who died in a wood chipper.
- The girls of the house have decided that James is the best kisser.
- Adam, Matt, and James actually discussed breaking their own hands to get votes. James is declared a "sick f***."
- Natalie told Sheila that her mom was a drug addict, and that may be the reason she’s now schizophrenic.
- Matt volunteers for Habitat for Humanity.
- James rubbed a certain part of his anatomy all over the HoH room for the next winners. Ew.
- Adam says the bible is too hard to read, but it takes your mind off things. Like, thinking and stuff.
- Amanda has 13 cavities. Thought you might want to know that.
- Natalie really liked Wilson in the movie Castaway. Nobody broke the news to her that Wilson was just a ball.
Thanks to Jewelsy and Snapit for the screencaps!