*This is a recap of events from noon Saturday to noon Sunday*
It’s never a good sign when everyone’s still asleep at noon. It sure doesn’t make for fun recaps. One in the afternoon? They’re still snoozing. Finally, Dick takes pity on me and rolls his butt out of bed at 1:30. He proceeds out to the backyard to cuss, smoke, spit...you know the drill by now. Lather, rinse, repeat. Dick shuffles over to the hot tub and proclaims that it looks like “dog s***,” then complains about the lack of pool stuff. Bored, he goes to brush his teeth and hits the sack.
I twiddle my thumbs, awaiting the next flurry of activity: will someone get up to use the bathroom? Fall out of bed? Do anything that’s even remotely interesting? Zach to the rescue! He gets up at 2 pm, makes his bed, and wanders out to the backyard where he jumps in the pool for his “morning” shower. Dick’s powers of Evel must have sensed a presence in the backyard, because he rises from the dead to join Zach and talk some strategy. Or what passes for strategy in this house.
Pippi Longstocking is our new houseguest.
Dick says that they can send anyone they want home now that Daniele has won veto, and he wants Jessica gone. Zach agrees, and they bash Eric. He’s a “shady motherf*****” who will only do what’s best for himself, says Zach. Well, duh. How else would you expect to win this game? Zach thinks Eric has no chance of winning in the end because everyone hates him, but Dick’s not so sure. Dick thinks it would be impossible to win next to Jameka, so she needs to go too. He says that he will threaten her ten minutes before the eviction by saying “do you want to stay or do you want to go?” and making her swear on “her Lord Jesus Christ” to do what they want her to do.
Things that make you go bleah:
- Dick hopes that Daniele will go to counseling with him after the show, saying that she takes her family and others for granted.
- Today’s wake up song was Team America, F*** Yeah! Really, that's the title.
- Daniele says that Hooter’s waitresses must wear their hair down with no adornments.
- Dick is proud of his spitting montage from the show last week.
- Jessica had a dream where Eric was dancing with Jen. She was pissed.
- Daniele was a card-carrying member of the Mary Kate and Ashley fan club. This sends me into fits of laughter.
- Dick hasn’t worn underwear since junior high. Sorry for that mental image.
3 pm, and BB finally gives them a wake up call. Sheesh. Nominees Jessica and Jameka plan to stay in bed all day, and Eric offers to make them breakfast. He later brings the two zombies waffles and bacon, which causes Jameka to squeal “now I can finally get my bowels moving!” On that note, I quickly switch feeds.
Outside, Daniele is finishing off her half of a waffle (because, like, a whole one would be soooo haaard to eat) whilst Zach plays dead in the pool. Awesome. Skippy gets bored, too, flashing us shots of flies in between shots of lazy houseguests. Now, if the flies start talking like in Racing Stripes, this crap might be worth watching. Alas, they don’t. It’s just Dick and Daniele, making fun of celebrity kid’s names like Pilot Inspektor and Audio Science. None of these people signed waivers, so we get slammed to trivia.
Eric goes for the rarely achieved "double pick."
Upstairs, zombies Jess and Jameka chow down on waffles and do a little Daniele bashing. Jameka wonders why the producers keep pushing the Dani/Nick showmance stuff, saying that they probably asked Dani’s boyfriend Kris to go on Power Of Ten but he turned them down. I think he was busy throwing Dani's stuff out on the sidewalk, myself. Then they talk about why Amber’s cousin was there instead of her boyfriend (because if he has any working brain cells left in his head, he’s long gone!). Apparently Amber made a comment on how her cousin didn’t look so hot after having four kids, but Jessica and Jameka thought the cousin looked great. So did I. But we all know that Amber lives in her own little world where she’s supermodel material, and....well, that says it all right there.
Jameka, Dick and Eric are in the kitchen cleaning up and discussing last night’s comp with Janelle. They laugh that she hated Eric, and supposedly Eric called her Miss Piggy and said she was fat right before she left. He's proud of himself for this. Charming. Dick still talks about flirting with Janelle, but Eric says she’s not his type. Then Dick shares with us how he made a comment on how great Julie Chen’s boobs looked (the Chenbot wasn’t wearing a bra) and we go to trivia because her boobs didn’t sign a waiver either.
Having no real friends in the house, Zach decides to make one.
Eric and Dick are now in the hot tub, doing what they all do best - bashing Jen and complaining of boredom. Zach got a frisbee in his HoH basket, but Dick’s too crippled up to play. Eric, the 10 year old, wants a bouncy castle. He then says he might not shower for the next eight days, and Dick says he might not shower either, since there’s no women in the house for him. They both complain about not having America’s Choice and no margarita parties like All-Stars had. That’s because you people are NOT All-Stars. Not in any way, shape, or form.
Zach spends almost an hour in the DR, and comes out complaining that it took so long because he kept messing up his lines. Why don’t they just hand out freaking scripts and get it over with? Eric and Jameka do some conspiracy theorizing about Daniele and Nick’s 1-5-3 code, thinking it means more than “I adore you.” Jameka has even tried adding the numbers up to figure out what they mean. Has she been watching the movie 23, or have Amber’s whacked-out visions gotten to her?
Dick ponders the meaning of life. Or, he's just working up a big loogie.
Eric graciously offers to make dinner for everyone, but I couldn’t tell you what it was. Rice and chunks of something. It’s too hard to see beyond these people’s atrocious table manners. I think they were all raised by wolves. Daniele picks, Dick smacks, Eric shoves huge portions of food into his gaping maw...ugh. They talk of movies, South Africa, diamonds, rap music, and Jen’s “tail.” Enthralling.
Hamsters get called to the storage room to discover 10 beers, two bottles of wine, and edible body paint. What a coincidence, the Showtime broadcast is on. Jameka declares that the paint smells bad, and Dick agrees, thinking it smells like ammonia. Eric says he doesn’t want ammonia on his wenis. Somehow, I don’t think that’ll be a problem, ferretface. Eric tells Jameka that he’s going to use it to paint her buttcheeks together so she can’t poop, sticking me with a visual that I could have really, really done without.
Daniele has dinner with Nick. Nick the bottle.
They go out to the hot tub to piss and moan, discussing ringworm and mono and other pleasant things. Jessica wonders if they’re partying down in the sequester house, but Eric says there are no party people there right now. Like you people are?! Dick wonders if he’ll even want to watch next year’s BB (I wonder, too) after being on it this year. Jameka and Jessica try out the paints and discover that it pulls hair out when you peel it off. Dick and Eric try to convince Jess to paint her boobs. That’s a no-go. Eric the party animal wants to do an allergy test before trying the paint on himself. He immediately breaks out in hives. Daniele doesn’t want to try it at all. Anyone surprised by that? I didn't think so.
You tried, Skippy, you tried. At least we were spared the sight of Eric in full body paint.
They play a rousing game of spin the bottle instead:
Who will regret being on BB? Daniele.
Who will get married first? Zach.
Who will be morbidly obese? Jessica.
Who hates this game with a passion? Me.
Spin the bottle turns into a game of quarters. Woo. Hoo. New rules: Eric must pick his nose when he talks, Jessica must do moose antlers when she speaks, and Jameka and Zach must talk through a sock puppet. Am I really recapping this? Jessica exclaims that the booze brings the house back together at night. “Yeah, like any good dysfunctional family,” snarks Jameka. Zach is busy rinsing out a honey bear for a project. He paints it blue while Daniele makes fun of him for working on his “astronaut skills.” Back to the game, Jameka gets stuck with a new rule that Eric makes up: she must lick paint off Dick’s neck. Jameka is not pleased with this new rule. Only these people could make booze and body paint disgusting. Remember Jase’s naked baths? Whipped cream bikinis? Those were the days. *sigh*
Not repulsed enough yet? Dick goes out to the hot tub and discusses how he enjoys the jet of water shooting up his behind. Then he spits right into the hot tub. There, that should ruin your appetite for dinner. It sure did for me. Eric is still inside, stuffing cookies and pretzels into his face while talking a mile a minute, pretzel crumbs hanging from his lip. Zach runs out and jumps into the hot tub where Dick just spit minutes ago. Jessica and Jameka are still getting their drink on inside as Eric yaps away. Jessica says she will refuse to participate in Zach’s HoH picture taking, and Jameka flips the bird with both hands and says that’s what she thinks of Zach and his pictures. What would gangsta god think about that?
Pink bikinis and bird chests are not a good combination.
In the hot tub o’ spit, Zach is thinking (he does that, sometimes) that Eric will fall apart when Jessica leaves. As much as they want Jameka gone, both Dick and Zach think that Jess and Eric need to be broken up. Dick bitches about the teacup comp (still?!) and they head inside to see Jessica painting a bikini top on Eric. I thought he was allergic? Maybe his horniness took over - hives be damned! He soon begins to whine about the paint bothering him, and Jessica begins peeling it off while he howls in pain. He’s got nipple piercings, and cries over a little body paint? Jameka puts some oil on him to help ease the paint off, and Jessica pokes him in the groin, asking “what’s this?” What, she doesn’t know by now? Eric replies “my penis,” and she keeps playfully grabbing at him. She’s drunk, and I’m nauseous.
They take the shenanigans outside to the hammock, but nothing comes of it. Instead, they talk about whether Jessica is safe or not. Booorrring. Eric has a drunken girl curled up to him on the hammock and he talks game? Dork. A bat swoops down on them, and Jessica runs squealing into the house, almost throwing Eric out of the hammock. They tell Jameka about the bat that almost ate Jess’s face (she said that, really) and Eric says he feels a little weird from all the excitement. Jess and Eric do end up playing kissyface later, on the couch outside. I think she was awake. She may have been passed out from the looks of her non-response to his face eating.
Early morning, and Dick is up making an omelet, talking to himself. He says Jameka has no choice but to take his “deal,” adding “f*** you, bitch, and the bible you rode in on.” Dick continues his Sunday Morning show with some exciting clothes folding, sink scrubbing, and grill cleaning. He laughs at a hummingbird that tried to drink from a plastic flower, cusses the dryer, and hollers about today being the first day of football, and he’s missing it. That, my friends, takes us to the noon hour. And I’m off to watch football (take that, Dick!).
Thanks to Snapit, Aero, and clowe9138 for the screencaps!