*This is a recap of events from noon Thursday to noon Friday*
Hello possums! It's a thrill to serve as today's Guest Recapper, and I hope to add my own distinctive je ne sais padonkadonk to the proceedings. And I'll try to be as thorough as possible for those of you who cancelled your live feeds just after the live show. Although I bet you're still on the phone with a Real representative as you read this...
In a usual Thursday recap, there's not much to report in the hours leading up to the live show, and today would be no exception if it weren't for Amber. It's not that she did anything noteworthy this afternoon, but thanks to her now-notorious observations about POOFs (Persons Of Other Faiths), High Noon finds the houseguests rushing to clean the house after enduring two separate lockdowns. Apparently a group of Amber-hating protesters with bullhorns parked themselves jeeeeuuuuuuust outside the studio lot.
However, I still have hopes for her to rally in the coming weeks, and win that America's Favorite prize she so firmly believes is within her grasp. Just like she believes Nick was firmly within her grasp. Not to mention sanity.
But enough about America's Goyishe Kup, she'll figure into things again later tonight. For now, it's housecleaning, rehearsing, showering, and primping on the hamsters' minds. Which mean lots and lots of Trivia on the feeds.
(Fun fact: If you're ever not sure of the answer to any trivia question, just answer "Chicken George." Chances are it's the correct answer, even if it's not one of the choices provided.)
Trivia ensues until after the live show is over, and once the feeds come back, Kail is gone (a surprise to me, I thought she had been evicted weeks ago), Eric has been born again, and the Donatos suddenly find themselves sticking out like sore-losing thumbs.
The big question on all our minds is: When Is Dick Gonna Blow? He sits and stares people down, muttering "Liar" as he sees fit. Meanwhile, the stared-at HGs gab and amble about the kitchen amiably, casually keeping one eye on The Starer. Non-amblers include Jameka, who has lain herself prostrate in prayer before the HoH door as if it were an altar, and Dani, who has retreated to a round bed to begin an Amber-caliber crying jag.
Dick takes practice shots at Dustin, Amber, and Eric, but these episodes come and go quickly. He is definitely not leaving his game in the locker room. He goes to comfort his little girl. She is bawling to him as if she was 10 and he had dropped her off at some stranger's house...oh wait. "I hate it here, I hate everyone, nobody likes me, I don't want to spend my (shh 21st) birthday here with these people!" Dick basically responds with "These, there," only in Dickese. They start retracing the steps to their ignoble defeat at the hands of the NNH.
Meanwhile, Dustin can't stop jumping up and down and girl-punching the air. Eric can't stop talking and hugging people, and beaming at Jessica, who seems the least fazed by her surprise HoH triumph. The girl's got some game, I'll give her that.
Back in the tear-soaked Round BR, it is obvious to the Donatos that they will be nominated. Dick nobly counsels Dani to use the POV on herself if she wins (she has a habit of doing that). Dani says she doesn't want to stay if he isn't there. (O RLY?) She would feel alone in the house without him. Dick reminds her that she would still have Jen. Dani reminds him that she doesn't even like Jen.
Their thoughts turn from playing-to-win to playing-to-screw-the-enemy. They think throwing the food competition might be fun, putting the whole house on slop. Also making up and spreading lies about Dustin to the other hamsters, and watching them chew at him. (Funny, I would think the truth would take care of that by now). Dick resolves to take his jabs at people (read: Dustin) though competitions, not randomly around the house (Note: My theater friends would mark this statement as foreshadowing.)
Their huddle was interrupted by the unveiling of Jess' HoH room, notable for a giant sunflower sent from home. There's probably a camera in it. Jess was thrilled by her pictures (some of which show her as a brunette), and her music collection, featuring her fave Toby Keith. We know who's knocking on the door if she wins a luxury comp down the line...
Later, around 9PM BB time, Dick is sitting alone on the patio, blowing smoke rings and muttering to himself, also throwing his head back and laughing occasionally as if he were Joan Crawford or Bette Davis. The Dick at Night show will be seen about 5 hours early tonight. "No problem," he keeps telling himself. He gives a shout-out to son Vincent, and declares that he's going for prizes in the POV comp; then, like Norma Desmond, he states that he's ready for his close-up in the Diary Room whenever BB DeMille is. No announcement comes.
OK, the fight...
I've been dragging my heels because I don't want to give a blow-by-blow account. It was a half-hour-long tornado of petty personal insults hurled between Dick, Amber and (shockingly) Jameka, who actually instigated it (or rather, decided to be the one to pull the trigger where everyone else had passed the buck).
A few minutes earlier, Jam came out to the patio where Dick, Dani and Zach were talking. Dick goaded Jam: "Talk some religion with me". She didn't take the bait then. Dani then announced she was hungry, Dick offered to make tacos. They went into the house, followed by Jam and Amber, who had been called to the DR. Dick mimicked the announcer as she walked by: "Amber, please cry like a little b*tch!" Jam sat at the Zuma table, staring at Dick the way he had stared at everyone earlier. Dick was looking for ground beef, and a passing Eric offered him the burgers he had made earlier that were in the fridge. Dick's response: "F-off, Eric." (Please review the above reference to foreshadowing now)
Amber returns from the DR, and all of a sudden the deadly game of Dozens begins. Nothing and no one is wasted: Amber's kid, Dick's mother, Jam's marriage prospects, comparing Junkie Moms to Deadbeat Dads, the prominent body features of the parties involved...after about 15 minutes of this, Amber went back out to the patio, but Jam kept her horns locked with Evel, matching him mother reference for mother reference. She'd throw in some mentions of loving Dick and forgiving him, but then it would be back to nasty things his mother might do.
After enduring as much as I could, I found myself asking. What Would Jesus do? Probably close the lid on His laptop and flip the remote over to Adult Swim.
Meanwhile outside, Amber is recounting all of Dick's insults about her and her kid to Dustin and Eric in the hot tub (forgetting anything said about Jam in the process, but oh well). Dustin is livid, and sums up Dick as a "white trash washed up deadbeat dad degenerate f*k!" He jumps out of the hot tub and heads for the glass door, but his posse calls him back saying it's not worth it. He starts walking in circles muttering, and even opens the glass door and peers in at Dick and Dani serenely eating their dinner. He steps back into the yard, raves some more. BB tells him to put on his microphone, to which he shrieks (yes shrieks) "Oh like you can't hear me screaming!" He looks in at the Donatos again, comes out again, raves by the hot tub some more (shouting the phrase that inspired the title of this recap, thank you Dustin!), and then runs up and shrieks at the closed door, "Washed up deadbeat white trash dad!!!" Jam comes out at that point and joins them all at the tub (she's had her say), and the worst seems to have passed. Or has it?
The Nerds proceed to talk smack about D/D with each other. Some highlights:
It is at this point, a half-hour after the fight is over, that Amber starts crying. She's a little off her game from all the excitement I guess. The Nerds all agree gleefully that it would be great to call Dick "Richard" for the rest of his stay, Stay tuned to see if they follow through on this, or if they just run to the glass door with it on their lips, and then turn back and jump in the hot tub.
- Dustin yells how the Donatos are now just two people, and starts singing the song "Just the Two of Us" at the door. Which of course causes a vortex and an admonishment from BB
- Eric theorizes that Dick didn't pass the psych exam, but BB let him in anyway. (That would be believable for almost any of them)
- Eric also assumes whoever makes a BB All-Stars 2, Dick will be there with them. Dustin says he wouldn't do it if that that case. (Assuming you'd be asked)
- Dustin went off on some emo tangent, suggesting that if left alone in the game, Dani would end up cutting herself with a plastic knife. Wish I'd heard the setup to that, it sounded like a corker
- Dustin truly goes to the zoo and says he'll offer to be put up against Dick, and the vote would still be 5-1 (O RLY?)
The witching hour strikes, and the bunnies can finally shed their fur. Jess, Zach and Jen were watching the fight (without sound) on the big screen in HoH. They come out to the BY to get the blow-by-blow account (from the NNH perspective). A few minutes later Dick comes out to smoke, and all talk immediately turns to Jess' HoH music collection. Like, I got like, whiplash from the g-force of that topic change.
Later, Dani has a long chat with Jen trying to secure her loyalty. Time will tell on that one. After that, she is found on the patio with Zach and Dick, the Herd having taken their party upstairs. Zach says that with Kail gone, Jess upstairs and tensions running high, apparently sleeping arrangements downstairs are very tentative tonight and he's walking on eggshells wondering where he'll sleep. Dani remarks to Zach how he's a whole new alliance unto himself. They jokingly trade accusations of having hated each other in the first few weeks (jokingly?) Dani proclaims:
D: That's it you're out of my alliance! I'm bunking with Dustin tonight.
Z: You don't want to catch gonorrhea.
D: Yeah I'd be afraid of catching an STD.
Then together they recite their newfound mantra: "We got rid of the wrong gay guy."
Zach proceeds to have strategic conversations with the Donatos and later with Dustin, in both cases starting out strong and proclaiming his value to the game, but then slowly sinking into an existential funk about how he can gain leverage with anyone at this semi-late stage in the game. Everyone agrees that there is power in being on the jury, where one's vote still counts for a lot.
The convos dissipate and self-dilute over the course of the night; Dick and Dani stay on the patio and Dani offers this nugget: "Omigod when I get out of here I'm never going to trust anyone again, and I'm never going to believe anyone is sleeping again!" I hear Rob Zombie is remaking Halloween and is looking for good screamers, Little Girl.
During Zach and Dustin's pow-wow in the kitchen, Jam and Amb come down from HoH, and Dustin hugs Amber goodnight and tries to pick her up, failing to get liftoff and instead wrenching his back. Zach locks arms with him and lifts him back-to-back, which sets D's back right again. Amber is blithely unmortified over the episode.
Eric remains in HoH with Jess for a while longer, non-stop talking as if it were two days ago, only this time with nervous giggles instead of fresh-squeezed tears:
Eric promises to compare notes about the previous week with Jess (look out for blacked-out sections Jess, he may say they're smudges but eh, not so much). Jess asks if Eric told Dick what Amber's Big Secret was, he says no no no, he didn't tell anyone:
- They think Jen might attach herself to them since she doesn't have Kail anymore (largely because was hanging out with them, probably just to get out of the line of fire during the fight)
- Jess wants advice for the nom speeches tomorrow, since the Ds haven't really done anything to her. She doesn't know what she'll say to Dani when they eventually talk. She may try the '"for what you've done to my friends" angle
- Eric reiterates that Dani shouldn't get a free pass just because Dick is such a monster. She claimed ownership of the decisions made during her HoH. Eric would love to send a big funny F-U to Dick during the nomination ceremony but Jess says eh, not so much
J: Except me.
E: (giggling) Yeah and that doesn't count!
Eric wants to review Dustin and Amber's "whole deal" with Jess in order to get a long-term plan together when the 4 end up competing against each other. Too much came out about D/A in Eric's heart-to-heart chats over the past 48 hours to ignore it (not to mention HELLO McFLY, A BANNER CALLING AMBER A LIAR! *sigh*)
Eric repeats his request to Jess that their talks don't leave the room, she agrees. He's made that bargain ten times over with everyone in the house except the gnome. And I'm sure the gnome is on his to-do list. You all do realize now that even if Eric wanted to start telling the truth to people, he can't, just to keep his multi-tiered stories consistent, right? Just wanted to make sure.
Then Eric starts rehashing the details of the fight with Jess, and that's where things wind down into the abyss (or, more plainly stated, I fell asleep). But it's OK, they all did soon after me.
The morning brought nothing, except bleary-eyed hamsters getting dressed and ready for the food comp, which started just before my shift ends. Tune in tomorrow for the results, as I take my leave and jump into the blue whirlpool...
Note: Had I the space, the full title of this recap would have been The Audacity of Some People (Trying to Rationalize Their Lives and Win $500,000). PM me if you have any ideas on how to make it even longer.