This is a recap of events from noon Tuesday to noon Wednesday.
As my shift begins, I'm reminded of the one absolute truth I'd managed to forget since last year: early afternoon feeds are an equal mix of mind-numbing dullness and unsigned release forms, causing my eardrums to explode from the Vortex music more times than I would have thought possible, given that, well, I only have two of them.
But you're not here to read about my eardrums (unless...are you? Because that would be weird.), so let's hit some early high points, shall we?
- Kail doesn't understand protein shakes. In fact, Kail doesn't really understand protein. She was under the impression that those silly things like vitamins and minerals and nutrition - those are just for weightlifters. The rest of us metabolize air, I guess.
- Kail also doesn't understand how she got her real estate license. She "could never have done college", as she "doesn't like to read." She may want to push through the burn on that one. She could use the help.
- Dustin has never taken a nap longer than 25 minutes. I'm sure Vegas exploded at the news. He didn't want to nap longer, even as a child, because he was too busy "performing maintenance on [his] life."
- Danielle works at Hooters. This may be common knowledge, but because I haven't been paying attention, it's news to me. Also, for real? She seems to be missing some of the requisite parts.
- Nick's dad got into bar fights and is totally stronger than your dad and could kick your dad's ass anytime he felt like it!
- Jessica has curly hair, whee! She also talks about how these are her favorite days, nothing going on, just laying out in the sun. And let me tell you, it's as riveting to watch as you might expect.
- The camera operators steadfastly refuse to show more than one conversation at a time, and all four feeds are always on one small group. Are the rest of them staging a bloody coup to take over CBS? Are they performing live skits based on various works of great literature? Circle jerk? The world will never know.
- The vote will not take place on Wednesday. It'll be live, ensuring us added vote-grubbing footage.
- Jen turned her unitard into a bikini, lest anyone forget what the skin on her breasts looks like. Our intrepid cameraman is on the job, documenting it for posterity.
I'm sorry; I know I lied to you all. None of that counted as a highlight, did it? Let's just pretend I never said "high points" at all, and move toward a more honest place together. It's the only way the healing can begin.
The biggest event of the early afternoon involved Joe pretending to take a crap in the shower by dropping a piece of chocolate. He then kicked it over to Zach who was showering next to him. Zach reacted as anyone would when they've had crap kicked at them: he laughed and laughed.
Once the merriment of Poogate '07 dies down, the first real strategy of the day begins to shape up in the HoH room. Jen and Kail are frantically trying to figure out a way to save Joe, because they both want Dick gone like, yesterday. Kail says that Joe needs to come to her and prove that he has, on his own, secured some votes, and then he'll get hers. He has to get Jessica, Mike, Zach and Nick, and he has to make sure that Nick doesn't mention any of this to Daniele. Also, while he's at it, he has to build the world's tallest skyscraper out of toothpicks, and choreograph and execute a perfect breakdancing routine set to the tune of Toxic by Britney Spears.
Kail corners Joe downstairs, and tells him the new plan. After kissing her ass for a while, Joe says he already has four votes, but has no way of proving it. Kail thinks people are just lying to him the way they did to Carol. Joe doesn't want to hear it because he is the prettiest girl in all the land, la la la la la. He also thinks he has Nick, to which Kail pretty much says, "Bitch, please." Kail continues to stress that he needs four definitive votes, and when he has those, she'll pledge hers as well. She agrees to work on Eric, and Joe goes off to work on everyone else.
In the backyard, Joe proves how desperate he is to win people's favor by telling Jen that he'd quit smoking if Dick was gone, which, yeah right.
Later, Jen and Eric are talking in the backyard, and Jen is trying to push Eric to vote to keep Joe. Eric wonders what his incentive there is, and Jen replies that if Joe sticks around, he'll certainly target Amber and Dustin. Eric reminds Jen that she shouldn't believe anything Joe says right now, because people are surely lying to him. If she wants to know if Joe has the votes to stay, she needs to hear that from the people he claims to have on his side. You'd think this would be obvious, but, well, it's Jen. I'm surprised Eric was able to convey this to her without the use of an abacus, a chalkboard, three Nobel Prize winners and that computer from WarGames.
In the meantime, Kail has been trying to work on Zach, and getting exactly nowhere with it. Maybe if she'd read a book or two she'd be better at this. Zach cuts her down cold with a "No f***ing way" as he walked away from her.
Thinking she may have better luck with Mike (Whom, incidentally, I never even notice. This may be the first time I've heard him speak today.), Kail tries again to preach the gospel of Joe. Mike doesn't really care, doesn't feel threatened by Dick, couldn't possibly be less interested in Kail's overly hand-wringy plea. He blows her off to go find something to eat.
He doesn't get far before Joe pulls him aside, and is all "If I win HoH, I won't go after the strong players. I'll go after the weak ones! You'll be safe!" Mike asks him what he's saying to the weak players then? I think that may have used up his word quota for the day.
Jessica, Jameka and Eric have a discussion about how they need to work to fend off the dreaded "floater" label, because otherwise they'll become targets. They also wonder if they miss this opportunity to oust Dick, when they'll have it again. Eric lets Jessica know that Joe is using her name as one of his "definite" votes. The conversation comes to a close when the girls declare that they are tired of thinking. Way to buck the stereotypes, ladies!
Zach lets Dustin know that Joe's ouster isn't as certain as previously believed, while elsewhere Joe is literally on his hands and knees begging Jen for her vote, while she laughs at him.
Dick catches Joe alone and tells him that he heard about Joe's campaign, and if Joe wants to be Dick's friend after the show is over, he better watch himself. Dick seems like a cool enough guy, but I have to say that if I were in Joe's shoes, I'd laugh right in his face. Was Joe supposed to just roll over? Get a grip, Dick.
When I was in law school, I learned the word ibid. If you're citing the same source over and over, you don't have to write out the entire citation again, you can just write "ibid". It was a nice change from undergrad, where that kind of shortcut would never fly. Anyway, my point is that this whole 24 hour period is ibid. IBID IBID IBID. It's a single topic. A single really boring topic, again and again and again. "Will you vote for Joe?" "Will you vote for Dick?" "Why should I vote for Joe?" "Joe, why are you on your hands and knees?" "Joe, shut up." "Joe, I will ram this battery pack down your throat SO FAST."
Ahem. Sorry. Those last few may have just been me.
In the spirit of pretending that anything else of note occurred in the evening, please enjoy some more bullet points:
- Nick wants a mohawk, badly. He believes his skull is nicely shaped.
- The slop eaters made a salsa soup, some of which Daniele actually ate.
- The powers that be gave them some alcohol, and Jen got embarrassingly drunk. She and Kail worked hard on Eric, who stood his neutral ground admirably.
- The group pushing for Dick's dismissal is going to wait until right before the live vote to give each other a sign on which way to vote. Whether or not they'll say "West Siiiiiiiide" whilst doing so has yet to be seen.
- Kail says that the reason she wants Dick gone so badly is because he lied to her. When Eric points out that Joe lied like ten zillion times, Kail doesn't really want to hear it.
- Joe wants to kiss Nick's boxers.
- Amber puts on makeup for, like, an hour. I hope like hell her mascara is waterproof.
- Amber wants to hold a guy's penis while he urinates. Her child dies of embarrassment.
- Dick thinks Kail is hoarding protein shakes - and she's not even a weightlifter. She is the malevolent dictator of all things slop. Dani doesn't care.
- Hours and hours of more voting discussion. Just when you think you have it down, they change again. They've talked about it all day and all night, and they seem like they're still stuck at square one. If I honestly tried to keep up with all of it, I'd break the internet. And then where would we be? OUTSIDE? I don't think so.
- Zach thinks he looks like Tom Brady. I think he looks like the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop and 3 O’Clock High.
The other big event from last night was a very sweet heart to heart between Dani and Dick as they spent some time in the hammock together. Dani is having a hard time, she's very emotional. She hates the idea of hurting anybody, and she feels like she's in a terrible position right now, with Nick in the house and her boyfriend at home. She waxes poetic about how much she loves her boyfriend, how they do everything together and it's never routine or boring, it's just how they like it. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Dick tries to comfort her, and lets her know that he loves her and will always be there for her. He tries to talk to her a little bit about the two of them, but Dani is overwhelmed with everything else, and can't begin to take on another emotional topic right then. She cried for a while, and Dick stroked her leg and told her how much he loved her. She finally decided to go to bed, and while she didn't say anything particularly sweet to Dick - thereby robbing us of our Hollywood ending - it was definite progress between the two of them.
This morning, Mike and Kail are the first two awake. Kail takes this opportunity to pounce, and brings Mike up to date on all her latest machinations. She lets him know that Jen hasn't come right out and told her, but she believes she knows about the Mrs. Robinson alliance. She thinks Nick told her. She also tells Mike that Jen said that Nick said he's definitely voting Dick out. Is this true? I have no friggin' idea.
When BB finally sends out the wakeup call, Kail has had over an hour to work on Mike alone, and has repeated every argument in her limited arsenal at least seven thousand times.
While people are getting up and preparing for the day, Dick catches Nick in the hot tub, and talks to him about the talk he and Daniele had last night. I think he thinks he's being a good dad, maybe, by trying to get Nick to lay off of her a little, but dude, a little discretion would be nice.
After some reconnoitering, Kail thinks that Joe does not - repeat, does NOT - have enough votes, and she solemnly informs him of the failure of the mission. Joe doesn't buy it, he feels totally safe.
Dick loses his mind on Kail in front of pretty much everyone, calling her out for her constant campaigning. He tells her that if she didn't manage to get him voted out, she is completely f***ed, that he's gunning for her. Dani asked him to please stop. He adds that he wants Kail to stop calling Dani her stepdaughter, which, ew, she does? Tacky.
After Hurricane Dick leaves, Kail looks around and begs all the bystanders to please, please vote to keep Joe. The response is non-committal.
And with that, my time with the hamsters mercifully comes to a close. Have I learned anything? Hell no. Have you learned anything? Probably not. But I guess we'll always have Kindergarten Cop.
Thanks to snapit for the screencaps I stole!