*This recap covers Wednesday noon to Thursday noon, house time.*
My shift starts with Zach droning on and on about something. Kail and Jessica look bored to tears and so am I. Meanwhile, Dustin is stressing about being called to the diary room to vote. He wants to get it over with before he goes outside and gets all sweaty. After all, he wants to look his best. Jen is flossing in the kitchen. And flossing, and flossing, and flossing. The girl is very thorough. I hate to tell her but her teeth aren’t the first thing we notice.
You could drive a Mack truck in there.
Jen and Jameka are in the hammock talking about their diary room sessions and how they’re coached and told what to say. Jen says Joe had a good example. He says if he was asked if he thought Dick's waffles were delicious and answered “Yeah, I'd say Dick makes good waffles,” they’d ask “But would you say they are delicious?” When he finally says “Yes they are delicious,” he’d have to do it all over again because he forgot to say “Dick's waffles.” We’ve heard a couple of sound bites from the diary room so I suspected this was happening. I’m disappointed in you, Big Brother!
Here’s To You, Mrs. Robinson
Mike and Kail whisper in the kitchen about how Dustin wants to win HOH and nominate Mike. Kail says they need to get rid of Dustin. Daniele keeps interrupting them. Zach and Kail meet in the storage room to discuss a little strategy. He tells her to stay away from Mike because everyone knows they are together. Kail didn’t know they were called the “Mrs. Robinson Alliance.” She’s never seen the movie and doesn’t even know who “Mrs. Roberson” is. Zach says he doesn’t either but then hums the song. They think Mike is a target and needs to win HOH. Zach thinks Joe and Daniele are the ones to look out for and Daniele needs to be the next to go. Kail is worried about Dick but doesn’t think he should be put up. She says that once Daniele is gone, he’ll be alone and more useful to them. If Dick gets HOH, she’ll remind him of when he came up to her after the nominations and told her he owed her one for not nominating him. Oh, I can’t wait to see Kail try to manipulate Dick! Something tells me he’s a not a dick that likes to be jerked around.
Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson
But the test was negative!
Who’s Playing Who
Nick approaches Dustin and says that Zach told him that Dustin said that Daniele is playing him. Dustin claims he didn’t say anything like that and Zach is just lying and stirring up trouble with everyone. Nick tells Dustin that this morning he was in Daniele's bed when she suddenly got up and left. Nick thinks she’s mad. Dustin said that if Daniele was playing Nick, that he would be the last to know because he and Daniele don’t talk much. Dustin asked Nick if he would be upset if he confronted Zach about it. Nick tells him to wait so he can see what happens first.
Nick goes into the bedroom to talk to Daniele. He’s seriously working overtime to schmooze things over. He tells her he doesn’t want to put her in an awkward position or push her away and asks if she trusts him. She says she does. It really bothered him when she got out of bed and wouldn’t talk to him. He tells her he thinks what they have is real, that she’s the bee’s knees, and the cat’s meow. He says he’ll sit on the sidelines, give her time, and that she’s beautiful. Boy, is he laying it on thick! Daniele sits there sulking. Nick leaves and she hides under the blanket sniffling until Mama Kail comes to comfort her. Daniele says she just doesn't like her "stuff" out in the open. Hello, why is she on this show? She says she's just having a moment. Kail says they are all having those and next week will be better.
We've already spooned. You wanna fork?
Mike and Zach are playing chess and using the Alice in Wonderland chess pieces(Cool!) to illustrate their points. Most of their conversation is whispered. What I got was that they’re worried about Joe working with Dustin and Zach is worried that his cover will be blown with Dustin if Nick says something about the Daniele thing. It’s a little late for that.
Out in the backyard, Jameka announces that she has to “go poop” for the third time. Can someone tell me why these people are so compelled to share their bathroom business? This leads to Jen saying she can poop faster than she pees. Anything longer than two minutes bores her and she’s “like, I’ll do it later.” The cameraman is apparently as disgusted as I am, because the feed suddenly switches. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr.Cameraman.
Amber and Nick are in the storage room where Amber says she and Dustin tell each other everything. She says Dustin would tell her if Daniele was saying anything and that Nick shouldn't trust Zach. Amber says Joe was trying to get into an alliance with Dick and Zach told Dustin something that Joe said. She said a lot of other stuff really quickly and I have no idea what she’s saying. By the look on Nick’s face, neither does he but he says he doesn't trust Zach now. Mike comes in so Amber leaves. Nick tells Mike the whole story and Mike says they should keep the four together for now. Mike trusts Nick. Nick trusts Mike. And Nick trusts Daniele. If Daniele was playing him, he'd be aware of it. After all, they've slept in the same bed for the past three nights and you can tell when a girl likes you. Ha! Nick has alot to learn.
Where’s the line for this ride?
Pulling a Johnny Fairplay
As the houseguests eat dinner, they discuss what each of them plan to do with the money if they win. Most say they’d travel, invest, or help out their family or friends. Nick wants a monkey and a motorcycle with a sidecar. Mike would get his pilot’s license. Trying to take a page from the Dr.Will book, Jen tells them that she plans on getting second place and didn’t come to win. She only came to hang out, have fun, and meet people. Winning would only damage her life. That reverse psychology worked for the original puppetmaster. It only makes Jen look dumb. Well, dumber.
Joe first says he’ll either buy one $500,000 prostitute or five $100,000 prostitutes. For some reason, I think he’s only partly joking. He later says that his sister has cancer and the money is needed for her surgery. They don’t buy it and he admits his sister told him to use that story in Johnny Fairplay fashion. After dinner, Zach is tells Joe that he didn't like the money question at dinner and found it offensive. Joe defends himself by saying it's the one question he knows that everyone has thought about and would have an answer. Next up, it’s Amber’s turn. She rips Joe a new one for the cancer joke because her grandfather had cancer. She calls Joe a weasel and says the turbo-rant is for his own benefit. According to her the joke was offensive to other people too but she’s is the only one willing to come forward and speak to him about it (Let me just say that I didn’t hear anyone else say anything so I call BS on that part.) Joe explains that he has had friends that have died from AIDS and other diseases and that humor is one of the ways people get through troubling times. He pretty much says it’s their issue if they don't like his humor. This is one of the rare times I’ve actually agreed with Joe. Amber is being a melodramatic pain in the ass.
Joe : Stay away hummingbird. Those aren’t flowers.
Joe quickly regains his annoying status with me when he tries on Amber's overall skirt and puts a pillow under it. Adding a straw hat to the outfit, he goes through the house screeching "I'm Amber. I made my baby in a barn and I'm gonna have my baby in a barn. I'm not going to let my baby ruin my figure I'm gonna smoke and drink to keep my figure. You can call me on my house phone. It's not really a house phone it's a raccoon tied to a telephone pole but it still works." In the kitchen, he gets laughs from everyone except Dustin. So he heads outside and Dustin comments that there are just some things that make him uncomfortable. Jen points out that he was dating him and Dustin gets all pissy over it. I love that the houseguests are getting so crabby with each other. Outside, Jameka thinks Joe’s hillbilly Amber routine is more hilarious than Dick’s earlier bathroom humor while Eric is obviously uncomfortable and tries to ignore him.
The trick is to hold on tight.
Highlights from Dick At Night
Dick wants Mike to go next leaving Kail twisting in the wind with Jen. He announces that if he has an opportunity to take someone out, "It's Mike." He keeps saying Mike is the brains of the Kail, Mike, Jen Gang and can't figure out why Kail chose to team up with Jen. I don’t think he’s put it together that Nick and Zach are in that alliance.
He wonders what's up with Eric, says he’s tripping out the chicks, and someone needs to put him up. Looks like America’s Dork isn’t the most popular guy in the house.
The commentary on Jen is funny. Among other things, he says Jen needs a brain douche. He plans to “keep that bitch around a little longer.”
He gives the topiaries new faces by removing their eyeballs and replacing them with orange slices. He adds an orange peel as a tongue and then pierces the tongue with an iris stalk.
Zach is so competitive. He “has to win, has to win, has to win.” It bothers Dick that Zach keeps calling him by his last name.
He admits out loud that he and Daniele are working together. He says he’d throw the HOH competition to Daniele or Jameka.
He informs us that he talks out loud because when he used to watch the late night feeds, he always wondered what the f*** the houseguests were thinking. Thank you, Dick, for your entertaining late night soliloquies.
Amber’s Medical Inventory and Other Assorted Facts
Amber has been cutting hangnails out for the last 10 years. She then entertains us with the time that her hangnails were so bad that she went to the ER and was vomiting all over the place. In the last four years, she's had her tonsils out, her thyroid out, a cervix surgery, a sinus surgery, a colonoscopy, another colonoscopy, and when Jessica mentions that she’s had her wisdom teeth removed(bad idea, Jess), Amber remembers that she too has had her wisdom teeth removed. The worst was her tonsillectomy. She also is a mouth breather and has tiny nostrils. Her sinus surgery was on Valentine's Day and she had packing that would kill a moose. She couldn't breathe; and when the packing was removed, it looked like part of a brain. Oh, and she bled like a horse. If you missed any of that, don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll repeat it a few more times before she’s evicted. She finally pauses to come up for air and Jessica and Jameka escape. I'm sure that they’re going somewhere to bash their heads against a wall.
- Most of these people claim to have never heard of Mrs. Robinson or seen The Graduate. Where have these people been? Clearly, there’s a generational gap here with the twenty somethings but Kail is my age. You can’t tell me she’s never hummed “woo woo woo.”
- Nick thinks Kail has had a boob job.
- Joe shaved his nether regions.
- Amber brought some of her boyfriends underwear into the house with her. Ew!
- Nick’s rent is $20 a month.
- Both Nick and Dick want to write a children’s book. I think “See Dick run” and laugh. (Insert your own “See Dick…” jokes here.)
- Kail got her HOH camera.
- Apparently Joe peed on Nick and then Nick sat on Zach's bed. Zach got mad because he thought Joe peed on his bed. Joe is just foul.
- At dinner, Carol comments that she’s coming back in five weeks to kick all of their asses. No one is amused.
- Nick and Daniele hid Zach’s orange shirt.
- Joe woke up petting Jessica thinking she was his cat.
My shift ends with boring hamsters. Nick and Daniele are lying in bed being all cutesy again. Zach is asking potential questions for the HOH competition. Let me add that they are nothing like the questions our favorite All-Stars studied. I think Zach is an idiot. We learn that they don’t believe in Santa Claus, have all had disappointing Christmases, and gotten crappy gifts. Kail is waiting for Carol to move out so she can take her spot. Jen’s vitamins stayed in her mouth too long, they were hard to swallow, and now her throat hurts. Riveting stuff, folks. We get a sound bite of Kail’s instructions to get her crap out of the HOH room soon(well, actually a little nicer than that). They primp, they prune, they eat lunch, Daniele makes cookies, someone has gas, they sit around, Kail and Zach play chess, they’re bored. Once again, so am I.
PM me with your “See Dick...” jokes.