* This recap covers from when the feeds went live on Thursday, until noon Friday BB time
Summertime, and that can only mean one thing...time to indulge my voyeuristic side and become obsessed with the Big Brother live feeds. I have the honor of bringing you the first FORT live feed recap of the season. With that honor comes a lot of pressure, the pressure to set the tone for the entire Big Brother live feed season. So, without further ado, I bring you...
A tired, worn-out Dick
What? I brought out the Dick jokes so early in the season? I went for the cheap shot? You bet I did. I learned long ago, as long as I keep your expectations low, I won't disappoint you too badly. Moving along...
As always with the first live feed of the season, there are things we totally missed between the first show and now. Like about 5 days worth of things. I have always felt this is a total rip-off, because we get thrown in not knowing what the heck is going on in there. From what we found out on the show, Kail is the Head of Household. When the feeds come to life, nominations have already taken place, and these are your nominees...
Distraught by her nomination, Amber's looks are the first thing to go.
Carol hides her sadness behind emotional eating.
Okay, they both care very, very much that they are nominated. Apparently Kail nominated them because they are the first two who fell off of their spinning mushrooms in the HOH competition. Carol spends a lot of time with Dustin in the exercise room, telling him how she won't campaign against Amber, because that's "her girl". Dustin flat-out tells her that he's voting for Amber to stay. That might be because Dustin is sharing a bed with Amber and doesn't want her killing him in his sleep. Other things we learn about Carol is that she has a new boyfriend, and that the Kansas City Chiefs were not thrilled at all about her stepping down from her new cheerleading gig to come on Big Brother. One other thing is that Carol and Jessica (her "enemy") haven't talked in SEVEN years. SEVEN. They are just now 21, so their spat was from when they were fourteen. I have waited all year for this show, and I am rewarded with a junior-high school rivalry. Thanks, Allison Grodner and Big Brother casting agents. Thanks so much. [/sarcasm]
Rubber Ducky is pleased with his view.
Everyone else is outside milling about. Some are in the hot tub, some are playing golf with huge clubs. Lots of random conversation, and a general excitement, because they, too, know that the feeds just went on.
Nick, in an effort to attract both women AND men, painted his nails an alluring shade.
Nick is drawing a lot of attention in the hot tub, from both Daniele and Joe. He's had his nails painted so he won't bite them. Because nothing says "hot" like a really nervous guy chomping on his fingers all the time, right? Things we learn about Nick are that he was a virgin until he was 21, and has only slept with 5 girls. Riveting stuff. I feel bad for him floating around in the hot tub with Gonorrhea Joe. Ewww.
Speaking of Gonorrhea Joe, during the televised show, Dustin said that Joe had huge nipples. Let's take a look, shall we?
No matter where you go, they just sort of follow you.
Goodness, he seems to have been right. Things we find out about Gonorrhea Joe is that he likes to call us live feeders "internet nerds", and he says he was tipped off early about Dustin coming into the house. Oh really? I'm not surprised. Also he's been pushing for an alliance of sorts between the 6 "enemies" in the house, but no one seems to be going for it, just like they didn't go for his "original 11" plan he mentioned on the show. Later someone says that Gonorrhea Joe has been following Dustin around a lot, saying things like "You don't love me" and generally bugging the crap out of him. After airing his STD history to the world on national television, I doubt his huge nipples matter much. Speaking of nipples...
America's Player has pierced nipples.
Eric, America's Player, has a potty mouth. His every other word is the f-word. It's like he's a 13 year old boy who has just learned curse words, and is throwing them around to look cool. He's loud, he's obnoxious, his voice sounds like he is just about to hit puberty, and I have to say that America's Player is a giant dumbass. Thank you.
Remember the hammock? How could we forget. The hammock of scheming is back in full force, with Dick holding court. He doesn't trust Dustin, and says that Eric lied to him. He also says that in one of the few times Daniele has talked to him in there, she told him that she hates Jen. His other opinions are that Jessica hates Daniele, and that Nick wants him out of there so that Nick can try his suave pink-nailed ways on her. He tells all of this to Amber, and some of it to Zach. Amber is trying to play off not being worried about being on the block, but her every comment is "Carol's working it, isn't she?" and such. Amber's very worried, and keeps bugging people about how they'll vote. She also says that Gonorrhea Joe is two-faced. Other news coming out of the hammock group is that Nick calls Daniele lovely names like "Jabba the Hutt" and "Fatty", making fun of her skinniness. Way to send a girl on down the path to an eating disorder!
Jen's been wandering the yard in the teeniest, tiniest bikini you have ever seen. It's so teeny I can't even put the back of it on FORT. Not much info about her yet other than the girls think she is dumb, and Dick thinks she's ugly. Jen wanders up to the HOH room, and watches the others on the spy screen. While watching, she sits there with her mouth hanging open, mesmerized like she's looking at something sparkly. Unless she's hiding it very, very well, this girl is no brain trust.
Random note, some people are on slop. From what I can gather it's Jameka, Jessica, Joe, Jen, Eric, Zach and Daniele. Poor Daniele's so thin that she can't afford to lose any calories. Jessica actually tastes the body paint they have, but decides it tastes like something at the dentist's office.
Jessica, coming to the realization that she is NOT the "cuuu-test" girl in the house.
The hamsters turn in fairly early by Big Brother standards, leaving Dick to wander around by himself. You can take the man out of the bar... Anyway, he roams, he rambles, he arranges topiary rabbits in compromising positions. He washes dishes at 3 AM. He draws pictures with the body paint. But Dick might turn out to be my favorite late-night hamster, as he talks to himself, constantly. Some of his comments and antics:
- He doesn't want Joe on the block, because he will go. He wants the nominations to stay the same.
- Carol will go this week.
- He needs to get Zach to stay up later.
- He sees a bat.
- He says Daniele is Alice, that she always wanted to be Alice in Wonderland, and now she is.
- He misses Daniele, even though she's right there in the house with him.
- He sobs.
- He laughs.
- He cries some more.
- He goes to the diary room.
- He smokes like a chimney and has a beer.
- He plays golf.
- He says "Alice Alice Alice, can't vote out Alice, she's the show, she's the theme, but the Cheshire Cat steals the show."
- He goes and weighs himself, 168 lbs.
- He finally goes to bed at 7:20 AM.
Dick stares at the flame and remembers the 38,874 concerts he's attended.
Kail is up and at 'em at 8 AM, and Jen soon follows. Big Brother tells the houseguests to get up around 8:30 AM, and tells them that the Power of Veto competition will begin in 90 minutes. Dick rolls out of bed at 8:50 with only a little over an hour's sleep. Dude is hardcore. Jameka reads her Bible, and Daniele tells her that she attended Christian school from kindergarten through 12th grade. And the grooming begins...
Monkey see, monkey do.
We get the blue swirling vortex, or sensation of going down the rabbit hole, whichever you prefer, then we get the same, boring trivia questions they had last year. The feeds come back and we find they have drawn balls to find out who's to participate in the veto competition. The players will be Kail, Amber, Carol, Jameka, Daniele and Nick. Amber is all teary-eyed, and lays on the bathroom lounger telling people to play hard for her, and she makes the idiotic statement that she won't use the POV if she is the winner. As the POV begins, my shift ends. If you want to know the outcome of the POV, click here.
Jameka bids you all a fond farewell.
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