This recap covers from noon Saturday to noon Sunday
Welcome to Operation Shock and Awe! What's Operation Shock and Awe, you ask? (If you haven't already asked, I'll pause here and afford you a moment to catch up with the rest of us. Ready? Good!) Operation Shock and Awe is a two-fold operation primarily consisting of #1) my shock at being offered an opportunity to guest recap at the FORT and #2) your awe when you realize that my recapping skills have more suck than a Hoover.
Having started off with a (hopefully) 'nonsuckular' bang, I'll admit that, although I feel a wee bit more comfortable in my spanking new recapping shoes, deep down I remain unsettled. Why is that? It's because this season of Big Brother has been touted as the 'most interactive season yet!' and I think I've finally figured out just what that means. I watch the live feeds, people. I'm not stupid and neither are you. Surely after Friday's dramatic turn of events we recognize the power of Chicken George for what it is. The interactive twist that we've been waiting all season for is this:
We'll all be homeless by morning! Yay!
Bet you're "Shock and Awed" now, huh? That's right. Chicken George is having all of America evicted! That said, every single one of you needs to pack and be ready to go after this recap. Thanks, BB!
Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
Before I begin, I'd like to take a moment to pay homage to our new HOH and main man of the week. The downright, outta sight, spinning the game with all Will's might, Mike "Boogie" Malin. Many thanks to my dear friend Snap for the following lyrics -- see, Boogie? I can namedrop, too.
I've got the power,
I've got the power,
I've got the power
It's gettin', it's gettin',
it's gettin' kinda hectic
It's gettin', it's gettin',
it's gettin' kinda hectic
Boogie's in the HOH. He won the coup. He has the girl, albeit a skanky, treacherous, emaciated one. He's got a maniac brainiac winning the game. He's the Big Brother lyrical Jesse James. Poised with Will to possibly (insert melodramatic football announcer voice here) go all the way, (end voice) I firmly believe that the next competition will involve the Big Brother pool and genetically engineered sharks with lasers attached to their heads. Hear that, BB? Better get a'crackin. Anything less and America will be woefully disappointed.
A Date That Will Live In Infamy!
My shift begins shortly after noon in the Big Brother house with flames on all feeds. Let's see. They are orange and red in color and wiggle from side to side. That about covers it. How's that for some stylish recapping, folks? I thought so. Now throw some love my way so I can feel that awe.
Shortly before the ever present flames appeared, Chill Town took the opportunity to extend a
honest trustworthy guaranteed- oh, let's just go with - likely 'full of questionable motives' offer to the now lone Jedi. Work with them to get to the final three and they can split that money, they told Janelle. Boogie advises her that he and the good doctor are going to put her on the block along with James and then do everything they can to throw the POV her way. The end result? We'll finally get to see potty-mouth James hoisted by his own petard as he is backdoored from this game! I don't know about Janie, but I'm so excited about this new plan that even I'm willing to split everything I own with Chill Town now!
The rest of the morning was to be filled with Boogie 'making nice'. Will wisely suggested that he keep the HOH door open and invite everyone in to get their opinions. That way, all of the nervous hamsters below would feel as if they had adequate face time with the Boogster.
First hamster up to bat: James. James saunters in chock full of cocky self-ambition. He realizes Boogie needs to put him on the block to keep the Legion of Doom secret for one more week and he's down with the plan. Chill Town promises he has nothing to worry about. In fact, he doesn't even need to sweat that veto! *wink wink nudge nudge* Janelle will be history, James will be safe, and the LOD will live to see another day! As James leaves the room, I can't help but to laugh. He takes any opportunity he can to cozy up to this chainsaw named Chill Town and yet he never sees that whirring blade. James firmly believes he is a valued 1/4 of their collective brain when, in truth, he's waaaaaaay lower in the Chill Town anatomy and just moments away from being flushed down the pooper. This Bud's for you, James. Idiot.
Second hamster up to bat: Chicken George. Ah, Georgie. What meeting of the minds would be complete without the good ol' Chicken Man in attendance? Boogie sits the sage one down and asks his advice. George goes on to make many salient and pontificating points that e....oh, who am I fooling. *sigh* Talking to George is as useless as shaking a lime green Magic 8-ball.
George: "Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Plato once said t...hey. Is that the back of my head in the mirror? Coooooooooooool."
If we could teach this guy a few languages like, say, French, German, Russian, or even English for that matter, I think he would make a fabulous international spy.
We never had a chance to see who Boogie talked to next as the remainder of the morning was filled with useless chatter on all four feeds. Here are some banal examples:
- James is on plane watch in the backyard again. You know what I mean, right? "Hold for plane!" Plane watch. Whenever he makes this proclamation, everyone within earshot is expected to halt conversation immediately so that the live feed viewers don't miss a word of what James has to say. They may all resume plotting and scheming when the airplane passes. That way we have an unobstructed view of what is the genius of James manipulating this game. After all, we wouldn't want to risk losing out on him clearing the snot from his throat again, would we?
- Dani shared her 'Chicken Man' fears with Will.
Danielle: "You never know what he's thinking!"
Will: "I'm pretty sure he never knows what he's thinking, either."
- Erika pondered a run on the treadmill. I prayed for her to follow through with this as I was positive her brittle little bird bones would snap under the physical strain. She wouldn't be able to compete in the POV if she was in a full body cast, would she? Run, Forrest! Run!
- Dani wished she was on a boat. I wished she was under one. Waaaaaaaaay under one.
- James admitted to beating up a gnome in the HOH competition last night. Little Man Syndrome, no doubt.
Soon we went to an eternity of flames. During this musical interlude, I pressed a marshmallow to my computer screen. Call it a scientific experiment. It never cooked to any degree, but the coating of dust on my monitor made it appear roasted which was good enough for me. I ate it. A bit chalky, but okay with Mountain Dew.
We return from flames to find that James and Janelle are on the block, which comes as no shock to anyone. As everyone went about business as usual, Georgie retreated to the redroom with his religious artifacts and James was quick to point out that the Chicken Man had placed his cross upside down. Granted, it was on the couch, but it was still upside down. The whole 'kicking his best buddy' Howie out of the house thing makes perfect sense now. Satan worshipper.
Within the next few hours there will be yet another POV competition and all of the hamsters are eager to get some rest. Everyone heads off to bed. Wow. What a great day for a novice like me to be recapping! I mean, how could I possibly go wrong? It's positively riveting!
Hell hath no fury like a Jedi scorned.
Within a few hours, all of the hamsters are out of bed and back to their normal routines. For James that normal routine consists primarily of whining and/or gloating.
I can truly say, with great conviction, that I now loathe James with the heat of one thousand suns. For the last twenty minutes I have been listening to him congratulate his brilliant self and he's been bleating like the best goat at the County Fair. Legion of Doom, this. Legion of Doom, that. I'm ready to strap cement shoes to his feet and shove him into Lake Placid. Why Lake Placid? Because that is where the gigantic mutant crocodile lives. 'Nuff said.
After allowing Erika and Danielle to suck up to them in the HOH, Will and Boogie hold a quick powwow. Will wants Janelle to stay. She needs to stay, he keeps repeating. Boogie agrees but Janelle needs to know that they will not win the POV and take her off. She has got to get that POV for herself to make it happen. It seems that my hope for the future of this game once again rests squarely upon the shoulders of a fiery little bulldog with an angel's face. Are you trying to kill me, BB? Really?!? This recurring trauma to my system quit being funny days ago!
As the Power of Veto competition moved closer, names were drawn. Everyone will be competing with the exception of Chicken George. It's a shame Erika's name was pulled as I am sure she would be better off conserving her strength for tonight's upcoming Mattress Olympics instead. Mustering up the energy to crawl into bed with that conceited little troll of a man night after night after night must be exhaaaaaausting.
Will and Boogie met one more time alone to discuss keeping Janelle in the game. They genuinely appear to want this and even speak with Janie for a short while about their plan. No sooner does our Jedi leave the HOH, Boogie and Will are on the spycam like white & white on rice. It appears Erika sees Janelle's exit and runs straight to Danielle with her report, which both Boogie and Will find extremely amusing. A huffy Danielle marches right upstairs, likely wanting to bust them out for conspiring with the enemy, but Will cuts her off at the pass by admitting that a sad Janelle just left the room.
What transpired next was nothing short of magical. I'll recap it, but I am afraid words won't do it justice. For a moment there it appeared as if Chill Town had undergone a Vulcan mind meld prior to this game. What one said, the other effortlessly countered. What one began, the other finished. They spun their stories and danced that fine line between truth and fiction with the aplomb of Fred & Ginger. (Boogie would be the Ginger in this scenario. Afterall, he does have a picture of himself wearing a bikini in his HOH and I am quite sure Will looks better in a tux.) They literally paced the room in circles with Danielle in the center. She was their Maypole and Chill Town wrapped her in ribbons of doubt. Not overtly, mind you. Just a sprinkle here and there between general chitchat and a flagrant stroking of her ego. "James is untrustworthy. He should go soon." "Erika is indeed whoring up to Boogie." The conversation between them flowed so fast and furious that I found myself mesmerized. The proper keywords were placed amidst innocuous conversation. "No one needs to use that veto." "Let the nominations stand as they are." Around and around and around they went until Danielle finally announced that they were making her nervous with that pacing and to 'please stop'. Too late. The seeds have been planted and paranoia should fully bloom when Danielle next waters herself with, oh, say, about eight bottles of wine.
Little boy blue, forget that horn and just come blow me, instead.
After almost two full hours of flames, live feeds return and the good news is doubly good! #1) When I get nervous, I clean. My house is spotless! #2) Janelle is wearing the shiny POV around her pretty little neck! Wait, actually the good news is triple good and I suddenly feel like Big Brother is spoiling me with naughty treats! #3) James is in the Diary Room just screaming his fool head off!
From what I can gather, the Power of Veto consisted of a possible question and answer session about this season's houseguests. The answers were to be given in the form of Tiki dolls. These dolls are littered about the yard, some hidden away, and the first person to find and claim the proper doll as their own and then beat feet to the finish line won. So you had to think fast, move faster, and not be afraid to beat a fellow houseguest senseless in an effort to claim your prize. Poor Howie. He went out at such a bad time. Tonight he really could have had his very own Janie doll.
Erika and Danielle are already scheming amidst crocodile tears. They realize that James is likely to go and they now want to be Janelle's new best friends! Danielle is even ready to offer Janelle her hand in peace. Aw, shucks, Janelle. Might I be so bold as to suggest that you offer your hand back? Do! Just make sure that the middle finger is properly extended first. In all seriousness, though, Janelle will likely accept this offer. Why? Come with me, my pretties! The answer lies within the coveted HOH room.
Janelle excuses herself to run up to HOH under the premise of grabbing some snacks. Boogie greets her at the door, scoops her up in his arms, and she squeals with delight as he spins her around. This is so awesome, they both agree! The plan went off perfectly! Discussion of the competition follows and we finally get to hear why James is so livid. He is contesting Janelle's win. He claims that she ripped a doll from his arms and that the win rightfully belongs to him. Janelle says it's a nice try on his part but the doll he would not give up to her was a Howie doll so she finally settled for Marci. Lo and behold, Marci was the correct answer and we discover that Howie has now taken James out of the house by proxy! Phase two of the plan is now ready to go into action. Janelle will offer to align with those horrible, horrible girls -- who are already gleefully planning to vote James out and cut their losses -- and say that Chill Town has got to go! With Janelle firmly in place they are now prepared to rule for yet another week.
We're an hour back into the feeds and guess where James is? Come on! Play along! Is he:
A) In the HOH scheming with Boogie.
B) Planning his next evil move with Danielle, or
C) Still in the Diary Room screaming at anyone with a pair of ears!
Thanks, Janie! Thanks, Chill Town! Thanks, BB! This is great television! Yay!
James finally emerges from his rantfest with a message for us live feeders. "Congratulations, America! You get to keep your Prom Queen one more week!" He then moves from room to room and complains to everyone who will listen. He even reenacts the competition in the HOH bathroom with shoes taking place of the dolls. Janie was picking up the Howie doll. She grabbed it so hard that she cracked the 'H'. James realized that the Marci doll was the one he needed and he reached across her to grab it. As soon as Janie discovered that she had the wrong doll, she also went for the Marci doll. Their hands connected, she scratched his thumb with her nail, and she said, "Give me that!" Then she picked it up, kicked out at James with her leg, and skedaddled away. James says production claims they cannot find any angle on the tapes that shows this event so Janie's win shall stand. This isn't good enough for James, Erika and Dani. They want to demand a meeting with Allison and set things in proper order -- proper order being them in control of the game, of course -- but not before they complain a little bit more. Boogie and Will are playing this off perfectly. They know this POV will stand and are consoling, agreeing and denouncing BB and Janie for all their evils along with the rest of the crew. Well done, boys. Well done. This round goes to you.
"When James doesn't get his way, he's like an angry 4-year-old jacked up on Pez."
James continued whining for the rest of the night like a petulant child busted with his hand in the cookie jar. As he sulked about the house, Janie tried her very best to stay out his way. It was painfully clear that James was, as Will so kindly put it, 'losing his mind', and the less time spent in James' presence, the better. When their paths finally crossed, James was quick to sneer, "Does having that Veto make you feel better about yourself?" Way to be a sore loser, James.
The rest of the evening was pretty unremarkable. Here it is a nutshell:
- Everyone was called into the Diary Room and had some time to vent.
- Baby James literally drug his bed out of the green room and into the red room so he would not need to share space with Janelle.
- Janie and Georgie solidified their alliance. From here on out, they'll look after eachother.
- Erika hasn't showered since Thursday. Ew.
- Neither Dani nor Erika will ever vote to give Janie the money in the final two.
- Danielle got drunk. Again. She then burped and sobbed her way through the rest of the evening.
- George took some personal time jamming to '59 Cent'. (That's not a typo, people.)
- Will and Janelle discussed future plans. CG and Danielle were tossed around as alternates in the eviction chair but all signs point to CG going up and James leaving this week.
- Janie needs to work with Danielle and Erika in an effort to get out Chill Town. She will become the new mole.
- Everyone is still claiming that Janelle cheated. When it was discovered that the 'doll theft' story would never fly, they promptly gave wings to the 'Janelle started before BB said go' theory.
- Janelle admits to Will that, prior to BB, Erika made an appearance at Janie's workplace in an attempt to shore up plans. Allison was to be the first to go. Erika apparently did this with almost all of the houseguests. She even called Will.
- Eventually everyone went to bed.
Morning dawned on the BB house to find everyone sleeping and it was hours before Danielle finally arose to shower off the stank of booze. Erika soon followed and they were eventually joined by James. Never one to miss an opportunity to denounce a loss, James was quick to point out that Janelle came into this season as America's Choice and would be leaving as the Producer's Choice. Erika and Danielle agreed. It's all so unfair! Janelle is a big, mean cheat and they're taking their balls and going home! Wow. Nice conviction, ladies. And just moments before Erika was telling Danielle how she feigned sleep when James came out of the Diary Room last night so she wouldn't need to listen to him anymore. These girls are true blue!
Danielle and James discuss semantics in the backyard. James is rather sure that Chicken George will be going home and he was only angry about losing last night because he 'wasn't given a fair shot'. When CG goes home, it will be no fair to the poor Chicken Man! Janelle cheated at that game and the poor Chicken will pay the price! *sigh* Poor James. So deluded. However, he must have an inkling of what is to come as he goes on to discuss possibly going to sequester this week and how Janie will lose many votes as a result.
If he stays, James says, he is now ready to cheat. Up until now he has played a completely fair game. Danielle agrees. She always plays fair, too! (Oddly enough I immediately recall her once coaching Chicken George in the kitchen on how to 'properly cheat' in the game. Yeah. That's fair.) They then go on to pick apart every questionable thing Janelle has ever done, both past and present.
Boogie finally joins the group in the backyard. General chitchat and movie games commence. James momentarily disappears from the screen and I hope against hope that a pit has opened up in the Big Brother backyard and swallowed him whole, whisking him off to his just reward. Chances are, however, that he is merely whining about his Legion of Doom in the Diary Room again. Too late. James returns. He hasn't been sucked off to Hell, afterall. Guess I'll just need to wait until Thursday night for my just reward.
The last fifteen minutes of my shift consists of nothing more than James floating around the pool in the innertube. It's a literal euphemism for what is to come. "If pool is to toilet, then James it to...well, you get the idea.
What will happen next? Will James be saved or has Chill Town pulled off the ultimate coup without even using the coup? Can Danielle possibly stay sober for a 24 hour period? Is it too much to ask that Erika take a shower? Stay tuned!
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank The FORT for allowing me to guest recap. It's been fun!