This recap covers from noon Tuesday to noon Wednesday
The following story is, I swear on my life, 100% true. Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling very anxious. I'd just had one of the most unsettling nightmares of my life. I have the blessing/curse of always having really vivid dreams, which seems to lend itself to more nightmares than the average person (based on my independent research, with a sample size of 1: me.) I've had nightmares about being shot, I have them about fires, I even, in one notable case as a three year old, had one about Snuffleupagus. This one, though, took the cake.
I was being kept prisoner in the basement of my house by my father, the evil Dr. Will Kirby. There was various mental, emotional and physical torture. It was one of those dreams that felt like it went on all night. Luckily, right before I woke up, I was saved - by Julie Chen. I'm going to gloss over any deeper psychological implications of this dream, and simply settle on - damn, I really didn't want to watch the feeds for the last 24 hours. But watch them I did, and since you're more interested in the diabolical machinations of the houseguests than you are in the depths of my psyche, let's get to it.
First up, let's play a game. I'm going to list some quotes overheard in the last 24 hours, and I want you guys to guess who said what. Ready?
- "Let me explain something to you two stupid people."
- "Kaysar's just as dumb as I thought. [He] didn't deserve to be here."
- "Howie's scared of me."
- "God, they're so f***ing dumb."
- "Worthless f***s."
- "They knew not to put us on slop for the whole week, because we'd see them at the wrap party and f*** them up."
- "Who the f*** cares what the fans think?"
Got all those? Well, it was a trick question. Each and every one of those delightful little gems came to you courtesy of just one brilliant, eloquent man - James. Sarah is one lucky lady. I don't know what James was like last year, but if he was this cocky and generally unpleasant, I can't imagine how his name ever came up for All-Stars, much less how he actually made it onto the show. He's unfunny, he's awkward, he's unpleasant, and he has all the looks AND charisma of a vat of vanilla pudding. He spent much of yesterday up Boogie's ass, busily congratulating himself and his Legion of Doom on just how super smart and awesome they are, and what gigantic idiots Howie and Janelle are. It actually got to the point where Boogie, tired of hearing his crap, would actively walk away from him.
Much of the afternoon hours (what we should probably call B.A. - "Before Alcohol") were spent with the houseguests doing what good little hamsters do - bitching. Bitching about each other ("Janie should have trusted her alliance!"), bitching about the game ("Of course this new coup power can suck - this is Big Brother we're talking about!"), bitching about the past ("Bunky just cried every single day.) Random afternoon tidbits:
- While working out, Will makes noises that leave very little to the imagination, should one wonder what he sounds like during sex.
- Almost every houseguest either really knows a lot about personal training, or they just think they do.
- I spent thirty bucks on a product that keeps all 4 feeds on the same scene like 70% of the time, and I'm not happy about it.
- Howie spends a serious amount of time with his finger up his nose.
- Will has "fat girl night" once a month or so. No, this doesn't mean what I bet at least some of you think it means (and what I thought it meant.) It's when he works out a whole lot, buys as much fattening food as he wants, rents movies (which must feature comedians or aliens), gives himself a mani/pedi, gets really drunk and talks with his friends about girls. This is your 33 year old doctor, ladies and gentlemen.
- Boogie is conducting a contest: send the most disgusting sexual pictures of the fattest possible people to Mike Boogie. If you're the lucky winner, he'll give you a $100 gift certificate for a Dolce establishment, and Will will throw in a Coffee Bean Bear. Plus, Howie will talk to you on the phone for 15 minutes. Awesome.
Sorry guys, it wasn't great stuff during the day.
Luckily for all of us, as night falls, so comes the alcohol. Early in the evening, Will and Janelle are spending some quality time together in the hammock. The "quality" part of the time is, perhaps, less so for Janelle, as Will is basically dumping her - as much as one can be dumped before a relationship ever truly materializes. He talks a LOT about how much he loves his girlfriend. She's the one with whom he wants to spend his life. She means everything to him. He really can't continue to jeopardize that anymore by doing inappropriate things like showering with Janelle, even if there were other people there and no clothes were off. He's worried that she (Erin, his girlfriend) won't understand, but he's really hoping she will, because what they have is bigger and more important than this game. He wants to know about Janelle's boyfriend, and she doesn't have quite the same wonderful things to say about him that Will did about Erin. She doesn't think he'll be at all okay with any of her flirtations or her actions, and they both ruminate about how they could very well be dumped. Will pontificates on how relationships are tested by adversity, not the high points. Wow, you don't say. It's all very deep, but for the utter, utter superficiality of it all. Before he can say something like "You have to give as good as you get", or "Love is hard", Boogie comes over to put into action a plan to get rid of Marcellas (who, you'll all remember, they all swore to Janie would only be a pawn.) Before he gets his chance, Janelle falls out of the hammock. That poor girl - dumped both literally and figuratively in like a ten minute span. She needs to work on her Jedi skills.
Anyway, things moved quickly from this point on, and I won't lie to you good people - I don't know which way is up anymore. Boogie came over to tell Janelle that he'd had a conversation with Marci in which Marci promised to nominate Janelle and Howie if he made it through to next week and won Head of Household. Boogie put that bug in Janie's ear, and then quickly left, knowing that if anyone could work Janelle up into a frenzy about it, Will could. It didn't really go down like that, though, mainly (I'm guessing) because Janelle was more interested in talking about personal things with Will. Will did a really good job at being all "Oh, I don't give a damn about Marcellas, but hey - Marcellas sucks, doesn't he?" He'd let her talk about other things for just a little bit, but then absolutely bring it back to how much he hates Marci and how that guy doesn't deserve to win anything. "I just want to crush his dreams."
Shortly thereafter, Howie, Janelle, James, Will and Boogie have a meeting in the HOH room. This is the big attempt by Boogie and Will to get Janelle (and, by default, Howie) to change their minds about voting Erika out. Boogie tells them that Erika and Danielle had a big fight earlier, because Erika found out that Danielle was going to save Marcellas (lie.) Boogie also offers that he and Erika had been dating before the show even began, and he can "control her". Janelle does NOT want to hear this crap, she's getting really pissed. "You guys swore to me that Marci was just a pawn, and I swear to God, if you don't all vote Erika out, I am going to be REALLY PISSED OFF." The Chilltown boys are trying to calm her down ("Hey, a lot has happened in 36 hours"), but she's just not having it. But then she is. God, it's so hard to a) keep track of what the hell these people want, and b) watch Janelle just be such a freaking idiot and fall for everything Will tells her to fall for. I can't help but admire his powers of manipulation, but my angry feminist side is just NOT pleased with Janelle's stupidity. They talk her into letting Erika come up there so they can hear her side of things.
Once Erika arrives, the guys clear out so that the women can talk. Erika puts on a (not-so-impressive) display of lies, some highlights being:
- I'm not working with Dani
- I would have never come after you
- If I win HOH, I swear I'll nominate Danielle
- I think Dani has betrayed me
- I'm all alone in this house.
Now, you'd think that Boogie's admission that he'd been ... we're going to stick with "dating", even though that's not what he called it (and this being a PG-13 website and all, my hands are tied) ... dating Erika for several months pre-show would have told Janelle that Erika is far from alone, but it didn't. Janelle made the deal to vote out Marci, and keep Erika.
Downstairs, Danielle is drunk. She claimed otherwise, but I know drunk, and Danielle was LIT. UP. She's been a string of non-sequiters all evening, and when the upstairs meeting breaks up and people start filtering down, she's argumentative and nasty with everyone. She and Erika had a quick exchange of words, but that was only for Chicken George's benefit. She's going on and on about "the proof is in the pudding" and "you have to live one day at a time" and, her old standby, "it is what it is." She throws her bowl of macaroni and cheese at Boogie before she has a chance to get out "a stitch in time saves nine", and heads for the backyard. Out there, she tells the camera that she isn't drunk (she is), and how "I'm acting, insulting Boogie and Will and James, but my allegiance is to the Legion of Doom. It's tiring to be a great actress in this game." You know what else is tiring? Being loaded. I believe she was putting on a show with all of her anger and her yelling, but make no mistake - that chick was drunk.
In another area of the yard, James, Howie and Janelle are having a meeting. James is saying that Boogie made a mistake in letting them know how close he was to Erika, and they need to vote her out. Do I understand why he's doing this, when he's in the Legion of Doom? No. No I do not. But that's what he did. He's persuasive enough to bring Janelle back around, and she agrees that Erika has to go. While this was happening, the Chilltown boys tried to sit down with them, but James said "No, we're having a meeting, we'll talk to you in a while." This clearly didn't sit well with them, but in order to keep up appearances they took off without much fanfare. After the meeting broke up, James confronted Erika about her relationship with Boogie. Erika wanted to know who told him such a thing, assuming it was Marcellas. James refused to give her any more information, but said, no, not Marci. Erika was in tears over this. James then met up with Will and Boogie who wanted to know what was up with the meeting. James said that they're all - including himself - concerned about Boogie's closeness with Erika. Will and Boogie played it off, laughing and saying "What, you believed that?" James laughs too, telling Boogie he deserves an Oscar. I have no idea what he really believes anymore.
Everyone is under the impression that the votes are being cast early the next morning. Will needs to keep an eye on Janelle for the rest of the night to ensure that nobody else gets to her and messes with the finely tuned plan he's implanted in her head. So, the rest of the night is a lot of the typical cuddlebear crap to which we've all become accustomed. Up in the HOH room, he tells her that he really can't vote against Mike Boogie, that if Boogie wants Erika to stay, that's how Will has to vote too. Janelle pouts, and talks about how she feels like they all blindsided her, but basically can't be bothered to talk about it too much when she has more important things to do, like tell Will how nice his hair is. They play cards, they talk about how they bet CBS wants them to go on The Amazing Race as a team, they flirt about how they're flirting. It's now about 4 a.m. Chicago time, and I give up on them for the night.
This morning, the houseguests find out that, despite how much Chilltown believed that yesterday was the last amount of vote-securing they'd have to do before an early morning vote, no voting will be taking place. Also, they're on slop today, so for the few people who were up and about early, nothing happened except for a lot of bitching. These recaps really should be a lot shorter than they are, because all we ever really need to say is "It's daylight, they're all complaining. Come back in 8 hours." The only things of note include the Legion of Doom members (sans James) deciding that they have to force James to vote Marcellas out. He can't pussyfoot around and let Howie and Janelle think he's still with them for another week. This is it, time to draw a line in the sand. They've secured Chicken George's vote ("Hey, Chicken George, vote out Marcellas!" "Okay, fellas!!"), but they want James to make the commitment to their side.
As my shift comes to a close, two things happen. One, James opens his mouth and makes me like him even less. He claims that, as an American, he can talk all the smack about Canada that he wants, because "What are they gonna do about it?" He then goes on to say that "No, when I'm out of here, I'm going to Canada. I want to go to Toronto and Ontario." How someone that stupid manages to believe that they're anything other than stupid, I'll just never know. Two, Howie has a boil on his ass. It's ... well, let's not mince words, it's riveting. Simply fascinating stuff. Will treats it, George assists, Dani takes pictures, and screencappers all over the planet die a little bit inside. So that's what I'll leave you with, folks. So a little piece of all of you can die too.
So much happened last night that I'd really advise reading the transcript threads too, to fill in some of the blanks. Also, how many of you are now using that picture of Howie's ass as your desktop wallpaper, you sickos?!?