This recap covers from shortly before noon on Friday until noon on Saturday
Friday is food competition day, and my shift today starts as the competition is beginning. It's the Big Brother Bakery! They have 1 hour to make 7 dishes, and each dish must contain slop. There are many ingredients available as well as various appliances to aid in their cooking. Every dish will be rated 1-5 by 3 special guest judges. If a dish gets a combined score of 10+, the houseguests get food for that day, if it gets 9 or less, it's slop for that day. If any one dish gets a perfect score from all 3 judges, they win a grill and meat for a barbeque. Marcellas doesn't have to participate since he has a season-long slop pass, and George doesn't have to either, since he's already on slop, but they are allowed to help the others. Got all that? Neither do I, let's move on...
"If one more person asks me to taste that nasty stuff I'll kick their ass."
Annnnnd they're off! They have on chef hats and aprons, and there's a flurry of madness as people are shouting, looking for ingredients, deciding what to make and whatnot. Danielle is making some sort of slopcake, like a crabcake. There's also a mexican dish, waffles, and slopfredo, as well as another pasta dish. Will is making slop cupcakes and the very thought of slop and chocolate makes me want to barf. Erika keeps licking utensils and putting it back in what she's making, that nasty girl. Their hour is up before they know it, and they plate everything up and carry it to the back yard.
How much would they have to pay YOU to taste this stuff?
Time for the judging, and we find out who our "special" judges are. We have Jun, winnner of Big Brother 4, Nicole, runner-up in season 2, and my all-time favorite houseguest ever, Marvin, from season 5. You don't remember Marvin? That's because he got very little airtime due to his foul mouth. Anyway, I love Marvin, but that's irrelevant as they've got a contest to judge!
Three little houseguests have lost their ever-loving minds.
The houseguests must watch the proceedings from the comfort of the living room. Perhaps our "special" judges had that stipulation, "yeah, I'll judge it for $3,000, but just keep those freaks away from me." However, everyone can hear each other, so comments fly back and forth at rapid pace. Nicole says to Erika "Damn girl, you need to eat!" The houseguests are trying to yell out what all is in their dishes, and it's general chaos.
One pasta dish they say doesn't have enough slop in it. Personally I think that's a good thing, but there seems to be a ratio of slop expected. Marvin says that Danielle's slopcakes taste like low-grade dog food, and I don't doubt for a minute that Marvin's tried ALL grades of dog food. Danielle, who considers herself quite a chef, is astounded.
They like her burrito, though, so that peps her up a bit. They really like the slopfredo a lot. When they get to Will's cupcakes, he tries to get them to get to the bottom of the cupcakes where "the good stuff is" by yelling "Go deep, deeper!" and it ends up sounding totally dirty. Which of course is why I chose that for the title of my recap.
Danielle, trying to suck up as much as possible, tells the judges they all look nice. Nicole says that Will needs a haircut. I will let photos tell the story of what happens next...
"Nicole, you're dressed like a lesbian wrestler!"
"Ooooh girl, are you gonna let him talk to you like that?"
"Lesbian? Who's a lesbian? Let me @#$%* tell you a @#$%* story about two @#$%* lesbians I met at the @#$%* morticians convention.....DAAAMN!"
"WILLIAM I am dressed like a STRAIGHT wrestler thankyouverymuch!"
Part of the above conversation was embellished. Slightly. Okay, but Will DID say Nicole was dressed like a lesbian wrestler. Which got us FLAMES. Lengthy, lengthy flames. Flames so long that we didn't get to see the results of the judging. From what I could piece together, they only got slop for one day, for the slop cakes Danielle made. And they won the grill and barbeque for the slopfredo that Janelle made.
Chef's gear, the latest in fetish wear, available at the Frederick's of Hollywood near you.
After we are finally back from the extremely long flames, Danielle is playing cards, singing "I am getting nominated today!" Erika complains a while about the HOH re-do, and Marcellas pretty much badmouths everyone who's not in front of his face, including internet viewers. Then for some reason, he cries. Whatever. The kitchen needs to be cleaned from the food competition, and Janelle needs to prepare for the nominations, so everyone wanders outside for a very lengthy, non-eventful lockdown. There's nomination talk, Erika is positive that she'll be nominated alongside Danielle. Will bashes the live feed viewers. Just your basic backyard talk.
Once we're back from the nomination flames, we find out that Danielle and Erika are the ones nominated. No surprises there. Danielle says she's getting the hang of being nominated. Apparently Janelle said something about Danielle being a strong player in the nomination speech, and this has sent Danielle into orbit again about the "weak player" comment from last week. Sheesh, give it a rest.
This man believes that President Bush watches the live feeds. I am not making this up.
The hamsters have a tasty dinner, and then they get that favorite treat of all hamsters, alcohol. Around the house different thing are discussed...Janelle's weight, is James trustworthy, Chicken George's upcoming anniversary, lots of sequester talk. But some people have gone out to the hot tub. I don't want to report the following. Not at all. But I guess I have to....
This is just so vile.
So Erika and Boogie are smooching in the hot tub. How could any woman make out with him? OH, don't go using that "well, she's drunk" excuse either, there is no excuse for this lack of taste. Will is right there with them, and talks to the camera, letting us in on "secrets":
- Erika and Boogie have been dating for 6 months
- They are practically engaged
- The producers don't know about it
- Will really loves the internet viewers
Believe any of that? Who knows, it's coming out of WILL'S mouth, so anything is possible. It gets pretty annoying with Will talking about riding around in a Bentley and Boogie's constant pawing of Erika, so I have to tune them out.
From this angle, she can at least pretend it's someone else.
Erika and Boogie take their love-fest into the red room and frankly I can't bear to watch it. So I don't.
Meanwhile, Janelle and Howie have concerns about who leaked the info that they call Erika, Danielle, Marcellas and George "The Float Herd." They confront Will about it, and he expertly deflects it, playing it off like it's nothing. And really, is it? I would think they have other things to worry about. Will tries hard to plant the seed of doubt in Janelle's mind about James, but she doesn't seem to want to believe it. Later when it's just her and Howie she does seem to doubt James some, but like every other day in this house, she'll forget that by the time she wakes up tomorrow.
The next morning, the houseguests are up early because it's veto competition day. James gets Danielle alone and says that he likes Erika, but she lies like a mofo. Then he says George lies like a mofo. James doesn't seem very self-aware, does he? Later, he offers up this ditty:
"Our Big Brother
Who ain't in Heaven
Shallow by thy name
My veto come
My will be done
On Earth as it is in the HOH room"
I am still waiting for James to get struck by lightning. Hopefully on the live feeds so I can screencap it.
As this shift ends, they're still waiting for the veto competition to start. For up-to-the minute veto competition results, as well as other state-of-play information, click here.
No Erika, you can't wash the taste of Boogie out that way. Try bleach.
Please save me from the live feeds. contact firstname.lastname@example.org