*This recap covers Wednesday noon to Thursday noon.
So it’s official – the fate of another hamster has been sealed. The hamsters have primped and prepared for the one soundbite they absolutely know will appear on television – the five seconds in which they say who they are voting to evict. The scheming for the week is done, and the hamsters can relax for a few short hours with nothing more to do than dine on kumquats and bread, waiting for midnight so they can pig out. Add in a few games of badminton, stories about exes, and the occasional philosophical discussion, and you’ve got the day. Mkay, that’s it! See you tomorrow in Suncat’s fine recap!
…you’re still here? Well, I guess I’ll take a shot at providing more detail. Here’s Dr. Will’s take on the day:
Will: Janelle tried to stab some whores, and I’m hungry, and that’s the only thing that’s happened in the last six hours.
Here’s the Skinny (She Said Ironically, In George’s Case)
- Jase has been voted out – but don’t shoot me if I got it wrong. The tides of the house are mysterious and unchartable this week.
- Revolt! The hamsters made a pile of their microphones to protest that they didn’t get food at midnight.
- Chicken George cut out letters to make a t-shirt that says, “Mr. Fart.”
- During the complicated process of altering Chicken George’s wardrobe, the other hamsters discovered that they were wrong to think that he wore that lime green shirt all the time; it’s just that he has a suitcase full of lime green t-shirts. And that he actually calls the color “lime.”
- Marcellas once again used his time on the feeds to lecture/whine/condemn Internet feed watchers, saying they aren’t the real fans of the show.
- Erika and Boogie had another private conversation showing they are a tight alliance.
The Elephant in the Room
Wednesdays are voting days, and the hamsters end their week of frantic scrambling with relief, except for one sad little angry hamster who knows he’s probably been given the boot. It could be worse. Remember the morning in season 5 when Jase made a sign out of cardboard in a last-ditch attempt to squeeze a few more seconds of airtime into his limited stay in the house? Today’s doomed Jase is more mature, more reflective. “You know how you know you’re going out?” he asks some of the hamsters in the backyard. “They stop calling you into the DR. They don’t need those soundbites if you’re not going to be here.” The other houseguests squirm in their seats uncomfortably. A plane flies by overhead. Jase has been killing conversations all over the house today.
Marcellas, who I would swear lives in a bathrobe and seems to be draped on furniture in every screencap I make of him, held court in the backyard on the subject of Internet live feed watchers. He thinks that the sites that transcribe the feeds treated him unfairly during his season. Apparently, much of his time in the house was spent lying in bed listening to other people bitch, which would be transcribed as, “Marcellas and Amy bash Chiara” when he was just listening to the bashing. Such a shy, retiring little hamster he is. He advises the others to forget about the Internet, because they’re not the “real fans” of the show.
Danielle is surprised, and thinks it’s the opposite, saying that “Big Brother fans are like no other” because they see and transcribe what’s happening in the house word for word. They’re not getting the edited version, like a Survivor watcher is. Marcellas goes on a rant about a prominent poster who called him up and wanted to meet him even though this person bashed him mercilessly when he was in the house. What outraged him, he says, was knowing that she had two children at home. “I think if you're just there to bash and trash, well, there's something within yourself that you need to work out,” he concludes primly.
And now we hear the real point of this conversation – his defense for softballing Maggie and Ivette on CBS’s “Housecalls” after spending the whole season being a vocal critic of their actions in the house. Marcellas says that he got addicted to the waves of love that would flow in every time he criticized the “Fiendship.” He complains that the anti-Nerd Herd sentiment was so strong that he was unable to pass along his unbiased analysis, and that when he said anything negative about Kaysar or Janelle, people were outraged that he had switched allegiance. He implies that any Jedi/Sovereign fans out there were too irrational to understand his intellectual analysis of their game play. Has he been smoking that hookah on the sly? Marcellas did what CBS told him to, which was to be a cheerleader for the winner of the show instead of grilling her on her actions in the house. Marcellas says he his disillusionment with Internet watchers came when people wrote that they had tracked down Maggie’s phone number and tried to have her fired. He failed to mention the pesky little detail of Maggie admitting to lying on a patient’s chart to cover for a friend – a friend who was being investigated for negligence because the patient died.
I’ll stop grumbling and trying to argue back with Marcellas from now on, I promise.
Oh No, Not the Lime Green Shirt!
Chicken George feels the need to make himself a t-shirt with a funny slogan. To be fair, Jase had the idea first, and has been sewing himself a masterpiece to wear on the live show for the past night or so. George wants a shirt that will express the uniqueness that is Chicken George. He sets up his sweatshop in the backyard, telling the others he plans to make a shirt that reads, “DANGER GAS.”
James points out that he needs some punctuation – a comma, a colon, something. Unless he wants it to read “DANGER GAS” as opposed to “HARMLESS GAS.” Will suggests that it’s a misleading slogan. It’s not so much dangerous as it is disgusting. “How about Mr. Fart?” he proposes. George is taken with the idea, and happily begins to cut out letters that will declare his smelliness to all in TVland. Later, when George isn’t in earshot, Boogie, Jase, Kaysar, Diane and Erika discuss George and his sad little t-shirt. Jase says that he saw George open his suitcase for a shirt to alter and was dumbfounded when he realized that George had many lime green shirts to choose from. Boogie makes fun of the way George took Dr. Will’s suggestion as if he thought it made him cool, but Erika defends George, saying that the t-shirt is part of the persona that he developed on his season. And that George is a badass for sticking to the slop that’s turned him into a human methane factory.
They all agree that the lime green shirts are a bold (snicker) fashion choice. Diane tells the others that she learned from her season not to bring any good clothes to the house; they all end up either burned in a competition or ruined in the laundry. The others nod their heads in agreement, and another BB aphorism is born: Verilee I say unto thee, new hamster – always bring thine crappy clothes, lest your fancy duds find ruination.
Senseless Acts of Random Strategy
File this under, “It Could Happen…*pout*…yes it could!” Marcellas tells Erika that he wants to put up Howie and Chicken George, and that he will tell Howie he’s the pawn. But the real pawn will be *gasp* George, and Howie will be voted out. But Marcellas doesn’t think he can go through with the plan now that Jase has made wild accusations about Marcellas targeting The Four. That would make what Jase said seem, well, kind of true. And that makes Marci so mad. “He f****ing tied my wrists!”
Erika may seem like a shady, quiet player to most of the house, but…oh, wait. She is. She and Boogie are found in the HOH bed plotting their future. To her credit, this secret relationship has been so discreet that it wasn’t even visible to live feed viewers until this week, and when you realize that it was formed pre-house, that’s not a bad feat.
Boogie is asking Erika who she thinks Danielle would nominate, and Erika thinks it would be Janelle and Howie. They consider the Sovs for a while; Boogie wants to know which member departing would cause the most chaos for the group. Erika is having a hard time forming an answer, or is she hesitating? Boogie thinks that Kaysar is the glue that holds the group together, and that without him, Janelle and Howie would be more likely to splinter off to another group. Erika takes so long to respond that Boogie comments on it, wanting to know if she’s too tight with Kaysar to go after him. She admits that she likes him and it would make her sad, but she would target him.
They flip around the spy screen and giggle at seeing the others in the house. After a while, Erika is moaning that she’s so BORED and that it is all Boogie’s fault. He protests, calling her “Little Miss America’s Choice.” “I seem to remember some conversations with you,” she says, and it’s clear she means before the house. It sounds like Boogie called her several times and asked her to go for it, but she was reluctant to sign on for the Big Brother experience again. Props to Boogie, then; he picked a pretty smooth player to be his secret ally. Can you imagine if he’d been texting the fitness twins? The conversation ends when they see Marcellas coming up to the HOH on the spy screen. “Quick, pretend that we’re asleep,” whispers Erika, and they pull blankets over their heads. The master spy strikes again; Marcellas suspects nothing. Nothing!
The hamsters were on an indoor lockdown for a good portion of the afternoon, and they were expecting a new and thrilling activity to be revealed in the backyard. When the shades went up, they ran out excitedly to find…nothing. The most likely explanation is that Big Brother was doing a run-through with the equipment needed for this week’s HOH competition. Howie points to a depression in the grass accusingly as evidence.
Speaking of gaps, apparently there was a scheduled down time of the feeds between 1:00 A.M. and 3:00 A.M. Silly me didn’t know this, and thought it was either Janelle’s tales about two separate boyfriends who cheated on her (we never got to hear about the stabbings; the flames were put up repeatedly as this is lawsuit material), her mention of her professional athlete boyfriend (who must not have signed a waiver), or what looked to be the start of a hamster rebellion when food didn’t appear magically at midnight. Lucky for us feed watchers, we get a groovin’, rockin’ loop of soulless music to entertain our empty brains while we wait for the pretty little people on the tiny screens to reappear!
Consider, If You Will, The Jase
As we prepare to bid adieu to Jase, let’s reflect on this season’s slant on the original Mandana Man. Was he more mature, grounded by his life-changing affair with a woman and her small child? Was the self-involved, soundbite-grabbing Jase a thing of the past? Had he given up on finding fame from other reality shows or any Hollywood opportunities he could finagle? Did he start wearing shirts for more than an hour at a time? In a word, no.
The Lone Horsemen is still obsessed with his physical appearance. Jase can primp in front of the mirror like no other – and that’s counting the girls, who sometimes put on facial masks or makeup or something that actually takes time in front of a mirror. The Tuesday night show made fun of his Zoolanderesque facial poses as he labors to get the placement of his shaggy bangs just right; the only editing going on in that segment was that they took hours of footage and shortened it to a few seconds. Seriously, he is in love with his reflection, and obsessed with his looks. Frankly, you could tell this by one look at his oddly developed torso that he likes to parade around. Don’t flood my inbox with hate mail about how ripped he is; human beings should not look like an upside-down Dorito with legs. It’s freakish.
As for the girlfriend-plus-child we’ve all heard about, I suspect they are as much an accessory to Jase’s television persona as his hair gel. Think about it. He was on a season where a dude won the heart of America by telling us about his fiancé and her child waiting loyally at home for him. It worked for Cowboy, right? Even if he is flipping burgers in Chili’s now according to the rumor mill. His previous showmance blew up in his face when the other horsemen started to believe Holly was controlling his brain, so he didn’t want to get dragged down by any chicks this year. He blew his chance to represent himself as a fireman, since we all saw him fixating on agents, head shots, other reality show opportunities, and overall, just making “good TV” for CBS during season 5.
So to Jase I say, we hardly knew ye. Not because his time on the show was limited this season, but because I suspect we never saw anything but a television persona. That’s entertainment!
Grab Bag O’Quotes
Danielle (After Kaysar and James discover they both had problems with their feet as kids): Y’all were like alien babies.
James: That’s why we’re here.
Janelle: I’m a really good girlfriend. Why do they cheat but I never cheat?
Marcellas: I’m not a cheater, I’m an overlapper.
Will: Janelle tried to stab some whores, and I’m hungry, and that’s the only thing that’s happened in the last six hours.
Marcellas; It’s always a black thing, f**kup.
James: Those beers must have given you balls, Marcellas.
Will (at hearing Janelle caught a boyfriend with her roommate shopping in Target): Were they buying condoms, or like, peanut butter?
I Didn’t Mind the Gap
After the feeds were blocked, they returned in the wee hours of the morning to find the houseguests pigging out on junk food: nachos, hot dogs, chips -- the works. Perhaps an emergency phone call to Frito-Lay resulted in an airlift of supplies for the desperately hungry houseguests who had been subsisting on vegetables and bread all day. Who knows? With blocked feeds, who’s to say it didn’t happen?
The hamsters clean the kitchen and make their way to bed, except for a few Sovs: Howie, Kaysar, and James, who once again rehash their position in the house. They know that if a floater wins HOH that Chill Town will be on them like a bad rash, and they need to get one of those two out as soon as possible. They wonder why Jase gave up a good thing – aligning with them – to pair himself up with the other visible alliance of two. They decide that if they do win HOH next week, they won’t spend the time flip flopping on which nominee to evict. I’m going to hold them to that for our live feed recappers’ sake.
The last to hit the hay is Kaysar, who tends to stay up late enough to do his morning prayers if he is up past 4:00 a.m. He sits in silence, probably missing his hair, since he used to twirl it incessantly.