Bethenny Ever After

[Boann]

Now, true Bethenney's situation is not exactly the same, but I see a lot of similarities. I see someone who didn't want to have a big birthday party. But to her husband and her husband's family, it was a big deal to celebrate and they wanted a big party. So she tried - she tried to plan the big party because they wanted to do that for her and she wanted to allow them to. But at the end of the day, all the trying in the world can't make you feel something you don't - or can't stop you from feeling something you do. Just like my husband later acknowledged with me, I'm sure Jason will be fine with Bethenney's reaction. He knows her and he knows how she feels. She tried, but at the end of the day, it was too much for her. In the future, Jason will come to see what you have all been saying - it is not the huge gestures that are important to her, it is the small ones. I put this up to being the first big birthday Jason celebrated with her - so he went with what he would have wanted/done, not necessarily understanding it isn't what Bethenney wants. My guess is that it won't happen again. Big parties for Jason, small intimate affairs for Bethenney and they will be just fine. Marriage is a learning process - and you continue to learn about the other person until the day you die!

Well said. i just think that it is a speed bump on the road they are traveling as a couple.

[kattatude]

Even before the party, while Bethenny was getting make-up applied, she seemed (to me) to be very close to full blown panic.

[Allie]

Because of course ignoring what someone is emphatically stating they want, and behaving in a way that says I know better what is good for you, is the epitome of expressing love for another person. Not.

One of my pet peeves is doing something and then saying it is "for" the person when they have said NO. Listening is doing something for a person. Not: "I want to do this because this is what I would like and I want to feel good about doing something for you and why won't you let me be nice, you are over-reacting and being controlling when all I want to do is to do this for you"

Sorry. If they don't want it, it is NOT being kind to do it even if you think it would be nice. It is selfish no matter what the intentions are.

Not saying anyone meant to be mean, but sometimes you have to truly examine WHY you are doing something when the person said or gave indications that they were uncomfortable.

And sometimes you DO overreact when you feel cornered and forced and it is a situation you panic in. Sometimes you overreact because it is just too much. With emotional baggage, even a cherry on top might make the entire mountain come tumbling down.

[Dragonlady]

I just have to jump in here to offer another perspective, because I can relate to what Bethenney went through, as I feel the same way. My situation was a bit different, but I offer it for what it is worth. When I got married the second time, I didn't want a big wedding - and I certainly didn't want a big church wedding. My husband had never been married before and had watched his three sisters have big church weddings and that is what he wanted. I really didn't want it and I told him so - but he really did, so I tried to give it to him. I went through everything and planned a big church wedding - mostly for him, but knowing it was also for me and someday I would want the memories. On the day, obviously as the bride, I was the center of attention. I was hot and uncomfortable and people kept coming up to me and hugging me (as would be expected) and keeping me in the spotlight. All I wanted was some fresh air and some dinner. Finally, I lost it - I had a complete breakdown and ended up out on the porch crying my eyes out. To their credit, everyone was very understanding and I feel horrible - but it is what it is. I knew I couldn't handle it, but I also knew how important it was to my husband so I tried. I couldn't control the meltdown - obviously lots of emotions on that day.

Now, true Bethenney's situation is not exactly the same, but I see a lot of similarities. I see someone who didn't want to have a big birthday party. But to her husband and her husband's family, it was a big deal to celebrate and they wanted a big party. So she tried - she tried to plan the big party because they wanted to do that for her and she wanted to allow them to. But at the end of the day, all the trying in the world can't make you feel something you don't - or can't stop you from feeling something you do.

Thanks for this perspective. I hadn't really thought of it as Bethanny really trying but not being able to keep up the pretense of enjoying a party she didn't want. I think, in time, they'll learn what the other needs and have a better way of handling things.
I remember some years ago, I was invited to a baby shower for a friend and it had been less than a year since my son had died. I was truly miserable for the first part of the party because all the talk was about children and I was trying my best to hold it together. I finally realized that I needed to make up an excuse to leave early. I couldn't tell anyone why because it would be wrong to bring everyone down at a party where it should be a joyous occasion.
Maybe, like me, Bethanny at first, thought she'd be able to handle the emotional onslaught but just wasn't strong enough to do so.

[tears.and.rain]

Well, Bethenny was lead to believe that even though it was a party, she wouldn't be the center of attention in such a dramatic way, there would be no surprises, it would be no big deal. I'm sure she's had birthday parties every year and handled those, but in those she was in control of what would happen. And being the hostess gives you much more to do, as opposed to be the "guest of honor" where your only function is to be the center of everything.

I know I'm in the minority, but I really do think Jason acted like a jerk this episode. He knew, he could clearly tell, that she was on the verge of panic, but he had to have his moment of being the best husband ever and giving the great gift, in front of everyone in EXACTLY the way Bethenny begged him not to, and then he acted hurt and sulky because she didn't have the reaction he wanted. Well, if he'd given her that lovely gift at a smaller function, such as just with his parents and close friends like Julie present, he would have gotten the reaction he wanted.

[norealityhere]

I'm sure they are both learning how to deal with each other as a couple, but if Jason was acting like a jerk in that episode, then I sincerely wish this world was populated by a lot more jerks like him.

[tears.and.rain]

Yeah? Interesting. I like Jason 99% of the time, but he was in the wrong in this instance.

[Lucky22]

I'm sure they are both learning how to deal with each other as a couple, but if Jason was acting like a jerk in that episode, then I sincerely wish this world was populated by a lot more jerks like him.

LOL! Yes, I think he has the patience of a saint. More Jasons, please. The way he was brought up, he just might never had heard of someone NOT wanting a birthday party with friends and family, particularly for a milestone birthday. He might have made a mistake, but he always seems very willing to do better and to please Bethenny, which is sometimes counter-intuitive to him, but he's open to learn and is always ultimately nice about it, too.

[megan31917]

I still don't understand all the dramatics when she was the one to plan the party in the first place.

The time to speak up about not wanting to celebrate with a party was not after the menu and guests were invited.

She planned it all. What did she think was going to happen when the guests showed up to celebrate her Birthday? Did she believe that no one would pay her any attention at all?

She knew there would be a cake and presents and invited guests wishing her a Happy Birthday.

She behaved very badly and instead of being thankful for a room full of people who loved her....chose to act like a spoiled child. If her childhood insecurities are affecting her this badly....then she needs to get herself some intensive help....immediately before she ruins every relationship she has.

She's a smart woman, and should know when she needs help. That night wailing in the bathroom while her party was going on should have told her something.

I thought Jason did all he could without enabling her to continue bawling or to push her over the edge to a complete breakdown. In private he should be insisting that she seek help, as she at times can be unstable.

I only hope the season gets better...because she is too exhausting to watch in that state.

[tears.and.rain]

We see her with her therapist at least once an episode....

Jason pressured her into the party. She's trying hard to please him and shake off the neuroses of her childhood. Jason's taken an attitude that the things that he likes that Bethenny doesn't - like big birthday celebrations - are because of her childhood and not because of her.

Bethenny planned a party, but Bethenny didn't plan all the "surprises" Jason had. Bethenny knew he was going to do something like that and begged and pleaded with him not to.