Bethenny Getting Married?

[ubidiah]

Let's see, I met my real father when I was ten and they put me on a plane to Vegas and said, "Here's your dad." I stayed for a month in a place I'd never been with a man I'd never met before. The year before that I walked down the basement stairs to see my stepfather standing on a chair with a noose hanging from a pipe above him. I hated him so much that I turned around, went upstairs and never said a word. Too bad he was too chicken to follow through. On top of this my parents are deaf mutes, and my step-father went to prison for sexual assault ( a stranger he kidnapped) that same year. I got to make all the phone calls to the lawyers because my mom and step dad couldn't use a phone. Let me repeat: I was 9 years old. My mom let him live back in the house when he got out of prison. I moved out of the house with my sister who was 18 at the time because I refuse to live with a rapist. I was 12. This is just the tip of the iceberg. So it's not difficult to explain a thing to me about what it's like to have a parent not make you remotely a priority.

[stcroix]

Deleting my post. Sorry. Decided to send a pm instead.

[Boann]

Let's see, I met my real father when I was ten and they put me on a plane to Vegas and said, "Here's your dad." I stayed for a month in a place I'd never been with a man I'd never met before. The year before that I walked down the basement stairs to see my stepfather standing on a chair with a noose hanging from a pipe above him. I hated him so much that I turned around, went upstairs and never said a word. Too bad he was too chicken to follow through. On top of this my parents are deaf mutes, and my step-father went to prison for sexual assault ( a stranger he kidnapped) that same year. I got to make all the phone calls to the lawyers because my mom and step dad couldn't use a phone. Let me repeat: I was 9 years old. My mom let him live back in the house when he got out of prison. I moved out of the house with my sister who was 18 at the time because I refuse to live with a rapist. I was 12. This is just the tip of the iceberg. So it's not difficult to explain a thing to me about what it's like to have a parent not make you remotely a priority.

FWIW I had in mind a recent conversation with a friend wrt my comment. Thank you for sharing your story. I do respect that you don't want to be defined by your past - it was pretty horrific. I think that what some of us are getting from your comments though (and I don't get this from your comments in other threads) is a lot of anger, not snarking. Of course you are free to post what ever your opinion is about the show whether it is revealing anger or snarking or whatever. It just feels as though the anger is more than just about Bethenny - it is also about something she represents or triggers. I'm not saying I'm correct in my interpretation, just that it is how it is coming across to me and I think others. It may be something to think about and how the past can trigger us in ways that are unexpected.

[ubidiah]

I always know there are so many out there worse off than us or me or Bethenny. I save my tears for them.

[stcroix]

FWIW I had in mind a recent conversation with a friend wrt my comment. Thank you for sharing your story. I do respect that you don't want to be defined by your past - it was pretty horrific. I think that what some of us are getting from your comments though (and I don't get this from your comments in other threads) is a lot of anger, not snarking. Of course you are free to post what ever your opinion is about the show whether it is revealing anger or snarking or whatever. It just feels as though the anger is more than just about Bethenny - it is also about something she represents or triggers. I'm not saying I'm correct in my interpretation, just that it is how it is coming across to me and I think others. It may be something to think about and how the past can trigger us in ways that are unexpected.

I think you're dead on with this. Such a horrible childhood would definitely leave one scarred and watching Bethenny's pain could bring out the old feelings of hurt and anger. I had a pretty traumatic childhood myself, but for some reason when I watch BGM I cheer her on because it's someone overcoming her past. I see it as a positive.

[Boann]

You're right that there are many people both physically and mentally worse off than us or Bethenny. For me I also went through a period when I was telling myself that a lot of people had it worse off and to just get on with it. I was also successful at it and had some great experiences and was on my way. Then I ended up in a situation that was a complete emotional repeat of my childhood. Getting therapy wasn't about crying over the past, it was about liberating myself from rationalizations. For my situation by saying I hadn't had it the worst it prevented me from taking care of the problems I did have as I never had the experience of having my needs (emotional) taken care of by my parents. I'm not saying that this is your situation, just explaining why I think that the statement "I save my tears for them" is a way of being hard on yourself and a repeat of the lack of emotional care a parent provides and models for a child.

[canuck]

Let's see, I met my real father when I was ten and they put me on a plane to Vegas and said, "Here's your dad." I stayed for a month in a place I'd never been with a man I'd never met before. The year before that I walked down the basement stairs to see my stepfather standing on a chair with a noose hanging from a pipe above him. I hated him so much that I turned around, went upstairs and never said a word. Too bad he was too chicken to follow through. On top of this my parents are deaf mutes, and my step-father went to prison for sexual assault ( a stranger he kidnapped) that same year. I got to make all the phone calls to the lawyers because my mom and step dad couldn't use a phone. Let me repeat: I was 9 years old. My mom let him live back in the house when he got out of prison. I moved out of the house with my sister who was 18 at the time because I refuse to live with a rapist. I was 12. This is just the tip of the iceberg. So it's not difficult to explain a thing to me about what it's like to have a parent not make you remotely a priority.

I'm so sorry, Ubi. And I've seen some comments on various blogs saying that Bethenny should have had her mother at the wedding, no matter what she did -- "after all, it's her mother." Absolutely absurd. Some people are just monsters. Thank God you survived in spite of it all. Many of us have had dysfunctional families, some worse than others; however, it doesn't hurt any less. Makes me sad to read some of the horrific childhood stories by some of the posters here.

[ubidiah]

Please, I rarely ever bring it up. It's really all about perspective. I firmly believe what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I ain't dead yet.

[PA Snow Bunny]

Please, I rarely ever bring it up. It's really all about perspective. I firmly believe what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I ain't dead yet.

You got that right girl! I made the choice to look at the positive things I have in my life as opposed to the negative. Therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself.

[Lucky22]

You're right that there are many people both physically and mentally worse off than us or Bethenny. For me I also went through a period when I was telling myself that a lot of people had it worse off and to just get on with it. I was also successful at it and had some great experiences and was on my way. Then I ended up in a situation that was a complete emotional repeat of my childhood. Getting therapy wasn't about crying over the past, it was about liberating myself from rationalizations. For my situation by saying I hadn't had it the worst it prevented me from taking care of the problems I did have as I never had the experience of having my needs (emotional) taken care of by my parents. I'm not saying that this is your situation, just explaining why I think that the statement "I save my tears for them" is a way of being hard on yourself and a repeat of the lack of emotional care a parent provides and models for a child.

This is so perceptive, Boann, all of it, not just the bolded. I used to do that, too, and through therapy was encouraged to cry for myself. I had made up my mind in my 20s that I would NOT cry, and I was being eaten up inside by all that I was repressing. Still working on it, though ... inner growth is a lifelong process. Don't know why some of us think it's not okay to talk or cry about it, when that's exactly what we NEED to do in order to move on. You can't move on as long as you're bottling up all the pain and hurt inside. "Moving on" is then an illusion: we're only taking it with us. Giving ourselves permission to cry and talk about what happened to us is part of nurturing and taking care of ourselves, which we were deprived of in childhood. Just because our parents/guardians/families were hard on us in whatever form that took as children doesn't mean we should continue to victimize ourselves in the same way as adults. I admit when I first started watching this show, Bethenny was rubbing me the wrong way, too, and then I realized she was triggering my feelings ... wishing I had managed to find such a great life partner, create a loving family and great financial success ... but now that I realize my initial annoyance with her was about me, not her at all, and I am also cheering her on! She's an inspiration.