Welcome back everyone. Iím so glad to see you all hereÖalthough I canít really see any of you Iím assuming there are lots of you here and youíre happy that Iím here. Right, right? You all love me and adore me and need me! Right, right? Sound like anyone we know? I could really care what you all think of me unless of course you are going to foot the bill to my new OC lifestyle because we all so want to be like these women on the TV. Anyway, enough of me being an ass, letís dig into this plastic mess and see whatís hiding underneath. Last week, some of the ladies got more Botox, Quinn showed about a foot of cleavage, and Vickiís assistant went to BrazilÖor at least parts of her did. Itís time to sit back, drink a bottle or two of champagne and help Tamra celebrate her 40th birthday tonight.
Filler Till 40
To kick the show off we get a nice, little, fun party of Jeana, Tamra, and Quinn on a lunch outing and we finally find out that Quinn works for a major telecommunications company and writes reviews for some local paper. During lunch, Tamra asks the ladies if they are attending her 40th on the boat. I had no idea she was turning 40. She then tells us her husband and his partners are buying a yacht and itís going to be fabulous. Jeana , not beating around the bushes, asks Quinn about her young boy toy. Quinn asks if the other ladies just have fun with young guys. Jeana being the only one single says no. The whole lunch is kind of forced and silly.
Over in LaLa land, Lauri is getting ready for her wedding. Her friend is dropping off the flower girl dresses and a whole crew of people are there staging the production. It is going to be the gaudiest event of the century staring the tackiest people in the OC. I can barely wait, although I do have enough time to gauge my eyes out so I donít have to see it. Lauri keeps going on about the wonderful fairytale there life has been since they have been together. She just makes me want to barf. Seriously, this is her third wedding. Who puts on this kind of production? The insecure is who!
Inappropriate cleavage heads over to Billyís house to be belittled and ignored or as he says, to cook her dinner. She keeps making him uncomfortable by telling him he is perfect for her. She thinks the only reason they arenít committing is because their religions are different. Billy wants her to be like him and she wants Billy to be like her and it seems that neither is willing to compromise. This is just a horrible relationship and they both need to bail on it. They have dinner and fight over religion during it. This is so romantic and hopefully they live happily ever after.
Someone is 40?
Tamra has finally turned 40 and the gang has all shown up for the event. First letís get down to basics. This whole event is a surprise to me, I had no idea Tamra was going to be 40. Has she mentioned this on the show or any of the episodes this season? The ladies are all there with their spouses except for Vicki, Donn is surprisingly absent from the event. Iím guessing he doesnít want to be shrieked at and violently beaten when she starts drinking. Vicki comments how cute everyoneís husbands and boyfriends are and maybe she needs to get one. Hmmmm, is someone having marital problems? Jeana then makes a comment about how she loves Donn and has her eye on him. What is going on here?
The boat finally leaves the dock and they are all up for a super fun time because someone is turning 40. Can someone help me and let me know who that is? Tamra is going on about how hard it is and how it seems so weird, and that sheís so old. I turned 30 this year and no one told me how hard it was going to be and how my life was going to change so drastically. In all reality, it was a great day and being 30 has been wonderful. She needs to stop getting caught up with age and enjoy that she has a great life she is living. This is what is tiresome about the spoiled, rich.
Quinn decides to bring Billy along for the event to meet the
tranniesladies and show him off. I must say though, of all the ladies, Tamra is the only one who actually is truly cute and doesnít resemble a man. Jeana would be next but the rest of the ladies are like an ad campaign about the dangers of plastic surgery. In the spirit of the festivities, Tamra says she likes to grab boobs while drunk. Between her and Vicki together, these people are leaving this boat black and blue with some serious hearing issues. Seriously, who knew Tamra was turning 40?
Itís cake and gift time at the big 4-0 party. Simon makes a speech about how they met each other and some more crap. Tamra starts ripping into a cupcake while Simon is making his big gift presentation. He goes on about not having any money and presents her with a bag from the store, Juicy. You can literally see Tamraís face just drop. We all can agree that Simon is not getting any laterÖuntil the bag is opened and in a shocking move itís a diamond encrusted Rolex watch. I didnít see this coming, or the 40th birthday? (Are we tired of this yet?)
Tamra is so excited with her watch and is showing it off to everyone on the boat. She is so excited because her old Rolex did not have diamonds and this one does. It is so super gaudy but she loves it. Vicki is just green with envy because Donn has never purchased anything like this for her and she doesnít have one. This woman, Vicki, is completely insane. I have like 10 of those watches and I totally deserve all of them and everyone should be jealous of me because of it. I really think Iím ready to move to the OC now.
In the whole spirit of the fun, the ladies find out that Tamra has a tattoo on the lower back. Vicki comments that she is not surprised and believes the correct name for that tattoo is ďtramp stamp.Ē I laugh a littleÖor so much Iím wiping tears from my eyes. Tamra then talks with Ryan about his tattoo problem and if he gets tattooed sleeves she is going to cut him off. He doesnít think she will go through with it and I completely agree. The whole little party goes on and everyone drinks, parties, and gets a little green with envy. Wait, is it someoneís birthday?
Girls...or So I'm told Gone Wild
Quinn gets together with her Mom to talk about life and see whatís going on. Quinnís mom was homecoming queen, and a born again Christen. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really, Iím just putting in a little filler. Quinn tells her mom about Billy but for some reason leaves out his lack of commitment, his assiness (Thereís that word again. It needs to be added to the dictionary), and their opposing religions.
Jeana meets up with her friend Victoria, a fellow Playboy playmate. They gab about the old times of taking their clothes off and objectifying themselves to men. You know, standard stuff girls talk about. They talk about their kids and what they are doing. They next day they are going to Glamour Con where Playmates gather and sign autographs.
They arrive at the event and Kara has tagged along for fun. There are pictures of Jeana from when she was in the magazine and that has got to be awkward for her kid being there. All the playmates are having a great time seeing everyone and finding out what they have been up to. Everyone wants to know if Jeana would approve of Kara being in Playboy. She doesnít seem to mind if she was but wants her to get plenty of money if she does pose. Thatís some good parenting!
Over at wedding central, everything seems to be coming together and Lauri is nervous about the whole event. Lauri has decided to let Ashley be the maid of honor and Sophie is going to be a flower girl. Josh will probably be allowed to stand at the gate and people will be able to wipe their shoes on him like his mother does. It will be such a fun family event. Lauri and George head over to the jewelry store to pick out their rings. Lauri makes a comment about George having a hand in the wedding, the writing the checks part of the wedding. That is such a nice and kind thing to say. They buy some big ass, glitzy necklace that Lauri is going to wear. After the jewelry store they head over to the bridal salon to pick up her dress. The store has also done Lauri a favor by stretching her shoes because she has these horrible cretin feet from ballet dancing. Some say ballet feet, I like to think this is one of the downfalls of having man feet.
In non-fairytale land, Quinn and Billy have gone to Vegas for a nice weekend getaway. They are staying at the Green Valley Ranch, home to one of my favorite Reality Shows, The Casino. Sadly, it is no longer on. They are staying in a villa; this is similar to what I would stay in, if The Stratosphere offered such luxuries. They spend their time eating, relaxing, sunning, and I think we all know what happens when the lights go off. If you said make shadow puppets, Iím going to direct you to a very informative internet site called the Urban Dictionary. You will find everything you need and never needed to know there.
Meanwhile, a man-like woman invites her estranged son over to her house to try and iron out their differences, or save face for the camera. A psychotherapist shows up to help mediate the event. Lauri so wants him to be a part of the wedding so there are no regrets. Lauri thinks Josh has a lot of changes he needs to make so they can rekindle their relationship. Josh finally arrives at the house and he seems very upset with his mother, which is not shocking. Frankly, I would be scared of her when I saw that messed up thing she calls a face. We get clips of whatís to come but nothing else and they leave us hanging. What a waste of an episode!
A Hot Mess!
Make sure to tune in next week to watch the wedding of the year, Lauri destroy her relationship with her son, and Jeana make some moves on Vickiís husband. Itís the season finale and that makes me a little sad.
It has been very fun writing for this show this season and I hope that you all wonít miss me too much after I move to the OC and hopefully appear on next season of RHOOC. If any of you are Realtor or can help me find a nice, sensible place in Coto, send me a PM.