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Thread: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

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    Mixing Old Fashioneds PhoneGrrrl's Avatar
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    RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Greetings, jealous devotees of the fabulous, rich, beautiful, and lovely real housewives of Orange County! I’m filling in tonight for the wonderful Yardgnome, who is busy moving from one abode to the next. Let’s all hope the movers didn’t bring a family van to transport her belongings, lest she invoke the spirit of Vicki and chase them down the street shrieking. I think I’m up for the challenge—I’ve got on a bejeweled tunic and strappy sandals. I’ve also stuffed bra my bra and I have a flask full of liquor, so I’m ready for action. However, I stopped short at bleaching my hair blonde because my colorist would kill me.

    Strip Mall in Perv City.

    First up tonight is a trip to the Teenie Bikini in a seedy looking strip mall. The OC Angels, a/k/a Ashley, Lindsey and Christen, are there to meet Bob and Mariano, the OC Energy dudes, to pick out bikinis the girls will be wearing on their promotional appearances. Tammy thinks Lindsey likes to stay in the OC Angels to maintain a connection to Lou, her deceased father who started the company. Tammy is happy that Lindsey is making her own money and can support herself. How much could wearing a bikini giving away free drinks really pay? Wait, wait…don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

    Christen, as the “Head” OC Angel, is in charge of picking out the tiniest bikinis possible that can still sport the OC Energy logo. Bob and Mariano want the logo on the tops and on the butt of the suits and they brought stickers to place on the girls’ bottoms. I get the distinct impression that these two creeps also run a “movie making” business somewhere in the Valley starring girls just off the bus. Christen takes to modeling the bikinis like a fish to water or a stripper to a pole and prances around for the guys’ leering gazes. Ashley won’t come out of the dressing room because all of the tops are too small for her and, despite the guys asking her to come out topless, she displays some degree of modesty or embarrassment. Lindsey also refuses to come out; she says that were her dad there, she may have come out, but she just didn’t feel comfortable. The guys complain that they have to pay for the bikinis but they don’t get to see the goods. Alas, their pimp hands are not strong and they leave without a gaze at Ashley or Lindsey.

    Quinn and Tamara have separate but equally awkward moments…for the first time this episode.

    Our newest housewife (who is not a wife at all), Quinn, meets up with a bunch of her girlfriends to get advice for hosting a birthday get-together for Billy, her golf pro beau. Quinn tells us that she has chemistry with Billy but her boy-toy, Jared, charms her by saying he only wants to make her smile. Quinn then regales the gals with the story of how hard it is for her to text Jared back so quickly because she can barely see the phone without her glasses and has a hard time with it all. Oh, what a riveting story it was! One of her friends asks Quinn if the two guys know about each other, to which Quinn replies that they do now. Another friend asks if Jared will be at Billy’s birthday party; Quinn says, obviously no, he will not. She also confesses that she’s a bit nervous to meet Billy’s friends, but she’s okay with it being at the dinner with eleven guys. Her friends just nod uncomfortably.

    Meanwhile over in Coto, Tamra is showing the house-and-Ferrari combo to her client again because he’s brought along his wife to see the place. Tamra again awkwardly shows the clients around the house and tries to sell the wife on buying it. The wife understandably eyes Tamra like she has three heads. Tamra later tells us that she has four listings now and she’s doing “wonderful”…adverb-free living must agree with her. She end the day by selling a different house and is super-excited.

    Frankie-induced drama.

    Jeana spends a morning working out with Frankie, her pal and decorator and Vicki’s decorator and lessee. Jeana mentions that Vicki wants an update on how things are going at the house. Frankie says Vicki has been driving him nuts. He thought the deal was that he’s live in Vicki’s house and pay some rent and give some decorating advice but the place has been under construction in parts and Vicki demanded a high security deposit. She wanted $4,000 but Frankie only paid $2,000 because of all of the construction. He now is thinking about moving out of the house. Of course, while Frankie and Jeana have this conversation, hardly any working out actually goes on. Frankie whines about how tough it is to walk at a slow pace on an elliptical machine and has issues with the exercise bike. Frankie needs to lay off the alcohol binges and doughnuts.

    The next day, Jeana, Vicky, Tammy, and Tamra all head out for a fun-filled weekend in San Diego. They’re traveling down in a chauffeured limousine. Tamra mentions she just sold a house and Jeana has to mention that she sold one that was more than twice what Tamra’s listing sold for. Unfortunately the all the talk about real estate reminds Vicki that she’s carrying two mortgages and her tenant has been underpaying on his rent. She goes on and on about how Frankie deducted $1,200 off the rent the prior month and had the nerve to give him an itemized deduction list. She wants to toss him out but Jeana points out that if Frankie isn’t there, Vicki will have no rental income. Jeana takes up a bit for Frankie by saying that he’s had to deal with the construction, but Vicki just wants her money. She sees Jeana’s friendship with Frankie as clouding Jeana’s judgment when it comes to being Vicki’s real estate agent and shrieks at Jeana that it’s Jeana’s job to protect her. Tammy is sitting between Jeana and Vicki and is visibly uncomfortable with the fight. Eventually the ladies settle down and it’s a stony silence on the ride to San Diego.

    Here come the fuzz.

    The OC Angels have gotten their bikinis and are ready to hit Huntington Beach for a promotion. Christen is still driving the Hummer and Ashley and Lindsey are along for the ride. They are going out to promote the drink and do a give-away. As they cruise up and down the street looking for a place to park, Christen makes an illegal U-turn and a motorcycle cop pulls her over. She tries to get out of the ticket, but the guy isn’t having it. Maybe it has to do with the cameras being on him—letting a bikini-clad chick off with a warning may not look too good on his evaluation when it’s caught on tape. Lindsey is shocked that they couldn’t talk their way out of the ticket. The cop asks for the registration and notes that there are no plates on the vehicle. First Christen says that she just got the plates and hasn’t had a chance to put them on, but the cop is smart enough to read the date on the registration and says that she’s had the car for a year. Christen then says that the plates don’t match the Hummer and look stupid so she isn’t putting them on.

    The girls finally get to the place where they’re going to do the promotion and the Perv Brothers, Bob and Mariano, are on hand to help out…or see the “goods” that they paid for. Lindsey and Christen are in their bikinis but Ashley didn’t wear hers. She says the top was two sizes too small and she did not feel comfortable. Christen takes this as a personal affront, calling Ashley’s actions a slap in the face. Ashley doesn’t care what Christen thinks, and, frankly, neither do I. So the girls and the pervs are handing out their beverages and another cop shows up. He shuts the whole thing down because these idiots didn’t get the proper permit to do the promotion on the street. All of this feels vaguely like I already saw it on Reno 911!

    Stay classy, San Diego.

    Tropical Storm Frankie has passed over the ladies traveling to San Diego. They arrive at their luxurious digs at a swanky hotel where they’re shown to their two-storey, 5,000 square foot hotel suite, complete with a butler. Damn, I need a Bravo reality show! They tour around the suite, champagne in hand, and mention that Lauri is really missing out. Of course, Vicki has to lean out the balcony and do one of her trademark attention-whore shrieks. And all of the dogs in San Diego run toward her.

    Speaking of Lauri, she’s on a *bus* with Sophie and the US Women’s Softball Team. They are heading to Oklahoma City for a big game where Sophie will get to be a bat girl. Lauri is very pleased that Sophie has this opportunity and is very proud of her interest in softball. We learn—at least me for the first time—that Lauri had a volleyball and track scholarship to college. Color me shocked. College? Scholarship? Sophie has a great time on the field with the team, gets her picture taken with them, and the US team wins against Japan. Woo-hoo! George even shows up to sit with Lauri in the stands and watch the game. Lauri once again says she’s super-proud of Sophie. I buy her pride in Sophie; Lauri’s not that good of an actor.

    Back in San Diego, Lauri is missing out on the gals’ outing to a night club. The entire thing was obviously set up by Bravo from the get-go. They are ushered into the club, taken to a roped-off VIP area, and have people clamoring for photos with them. That they got in to a trendy club (assuming this place is genuinely trendy) is a farce; that they got the star treatment is beyond credulity. Really, though, it’s what happens every week: Vicki and Tamra get embarrassingly drunk, Tamra dances, Tammy looks uncomfortable, and Jeana goes off to talk to some guys. The weekend is supposed to be about Jeana getting back on the dating market after leaving Matt, but the only two that get any “action” are Vicki and Tamra, when they kiss each other.

    In the morning, all four have survived the night and sit around the breakfast table talking about Jeana’s dating process. She says her guy is a 6 foot tall guy with a mustache, which is rightly called out for being soooo 80’s. (Did anyone else really want her to say that she’s like any girl and is crazy for a sharp-dressed man? Just me? Okay…I’ll sit in a corner and relive her video girl days by myself.) She says now that looks aren’t as important as finding someone who just wants to do the same things that she wants to do. Tammy acknowledges that it is hard to be married in Orange County, what with all the money, and Jeana doesn’t think her dating prospects are all that great and it’s just a crapshoot.

    Sometimes in a crapshoot, you get crap.

    Quinn, having not yet been fully assimilated in to the housewives’ hive, is not in San Diego but out on the driving range with Billy. She reminds us that he’s a golf pro and says she’s there to take a lesson. Either Bravo has cruelly edited Billy, or he’s a repetitive dullard, as he says that the driving range is his “office” approximately thirty million times. He wants to keep things professional out on the range and refuses to kiss her. He gives Quinn some instruction and she hits the ball too well for it to have been her first time with a golf club. Either that, or she’s got a natural athleticism that her appearance belies. Billy awkwardly comments that he’s glad that she has a good swing, because he wants his kids to have good golf genes. Ummm, Billy? I don’t think that’s biologically possible without serious medical intervention at this point. Get my drift? If you don’t, you probably have no business procreating anyway.

    Massage therapy.

    The other four gals are still in San Diego. They’re getting massages at the hotel; Tamra and Vicki—the one love connection of the weekend—are in one room together. Vicki comments that the massages are a good couples’ thing, and before Tamra gets the wrong idea, says that she should take Donn there. She’s not seen Donn in some time, and needs to once again “reconnect.” Damn it, Vicki, maybe stop drinking and shrieking for ten minutes and talk to Donn once in a while!

    Tammy and Jeana are in another massage room, and they’re in a much more serious discussion. Unfortunately, the close-ups show how many lines these ladies have around the eyes, and I’m once again glad that I don’t tan. Jeana talks about how she and Matt never really had a relationship; things were mostly physical and sexual early in their relationship, then came the kids and twenty pounds, and Matt was never nice to her again. She deluded herself into thinking that everyone was as miserable as she was but realized, when seeing a young Tammy so in love with Lou, that not everyone had a sucktacular relationship. In confessional, Jeana talks about missing Lou; he was her first client and got her started in real estate. He gave her good advice and she really misses him. Back in the massage room, Jeana asks Tammy how her girls are taking Lou’s death. Tammy says that they are very angry because Lou had always promised to take care of them and, when he died, he left them with nothing. The girls take this as being lied to by their father, and they feel betrayed. Ya know, as much as those girls are old enough to take care of themselves monetarily, Tammy makes a point about the betrayal. If you can’t trust your dad, who can you trust? *Runs home to give Dad a big hug.*

    Alas, the weekend of enchantment must end, and the ladies are back in Coto. Jeana has dinner with Frankie; she tells him about Vicki’s rant about his refusal to pay the rent. Frankie says he’s sorry to put Jeana in the middle and cause her stress, but Vicki has no business getting mad. He says he takes his decorating seriously and he’s not paying any more rent to Vicki. Jeana is fed up with the both of them, but confesses that Vicki will be thanking her when the house sells for more than she bought it for and makes a cool half-mil.

    She works hard for the money.

    The Perv Brothers, Bob and Mariano, have called a meeting of the OC Angels. They told the girls to be there a half-hour before the meeting was to start, and Lindsey and Christen walk in a half-hour late for the meeting. In other words, they are an hour late. Ashley saunters in sometime after they do. The guys are not happy and announce that, as of that moment, there is no “head” OC Angel. They are going to see who amongst the three works the hardest and that girl will become the leader. The girls will have to work as a team and Bob and Mariano will judge who works the hardest. *Insert your own dirty joke here.* Christen, in a confessional, blames Ashley for her demotion; she thinks that because Ashley didn’t wear the too-small bikini, she’s getting demoted. Maybe it’s that, but it could be the traffic tickets, the inability to drive the Hummer, and her tardiness. She tells the guys that she was appointed the Head OC Angel by Lou for a reason, but she doesn’t volunteer that reason. Lindsey rescues her by saying that Christen has a business degree—again, color me shocked!—and that’s why she got the position. During the entire lecture, Ashley merely looks smug and says nothing. Later, in a confessional, she says that she’s not worried at all. Maybe momma done taught her right.

    Awkward moments, redux.

    It is time for Billy’s birthday gathering, as orchestrated by Quinn. They meet at some wine place and are seated in a private room. All of Billy’s buds are golf dudes, which Quinn thinks is weird. Ummm, no. He’s a golf pro and has probably been golfing since he was a wee lad. And if you ever hang around golf guys, they’re not that weird. Or maybe it’s just me…I was out on the links last weekend and had a fine time (albeit a lousy game). And, for the record, Quinn was not the only woman present. Some of these guys actually had wives or girlfriends who came along for the dinner.

    Quinn, in a voice-over, opines that Billy is book-smart. Well, if by “book-smart” she means “pretentious ass,” she’s right. He corrects one of his guest’s pronunciation of “bruschetta” and Quinn confesses that Billy often corrects her grammar. He tells the group that Quinn doesn’t mind when he corrects her, but her look clearly indicates that she does. The waitress comes in with the bruschetta, and says it “brew-shetta”, so Billy asks her if it should be “brew-shetta” or “brew-sketta”. She says that Italian chefs will use the hard “k” sound, but when in America she says it with the American pronunciation. Quinn then stupidly tries to tell the group why she likes Billy, but they avert their eyes in embarrassment. She confesses that she has strong feelings for Billy but isn’t sure that he has them for her. I doubt the guy has strong feelings for anything beyond golf and pathetic attempts to look superior to others.

    Equally uncomfortable is Tamra’s night out with her clients, Felix and Steve. She’s taking them out to celebrate the home sales. Of course, she’s a bit late and drinks incessantly. She claims that it’s great meeting people through real estate, and thinks they are her friends. The more she drinks, the crazier she acts, quacking like a duck and making too much of a scene. She says that she’s got two great marketing tools—her breasts—and the wife of one of the guys gives her a look that should have turned Tamra to salt. One the guys half-jokingly asks for Jeana’s number.

    And, that was it…wait, wasn’t this supposed to be the finale? Well, clearly it isn’t, because there are more episodes to come when Lauri actually ties the knot/noose with George and other insanity ensues. Perhaps this is what the WGA strike has wrought: RHOOC—all day, all the time. Count me in.

    Any one got Andy Cohen’s number? I need to get on Bravo and go to swanky hotels, gratis. If you hook me up, you can come too.
    Last edited by Yardgnome; 01-03-2008 at 11:23 AM.

  2. #2
    It's not easy being green Toad's Avatar
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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    W O W ! I didn't know you watched Reno 911! I think that show is a little more believable than this one sometimes! Thanks Phonegrrrl, it's like I watched it again. Great job!
    BTW, I'm in the corner with you reliving Jeana too. Hey! I got A mustache. Who has Jeana's phone #?
    Last edited by Toad; 12-19-2007 at 03:51 AM.
    Ribbitt

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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Oh. My. God. I don't know which is worse -- prancing around half-naked distributing some energy drink or getting drunk in front of your clients and making a total ass of yourself?


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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Once again, the recap is better than the actual show.
    BTW, count me in if you locate Andy Cohen phone number. Wait, should I be prowling the G lounge this week end? Maybe I can kiss my way into Blahvo line up?

  5. #5
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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Perfect recap PhoneGrrrl ....Thank You!

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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Quote Originally Posted by Desert Rose;2728201;
    Oh. My. God. I don't know which is worse -- prancing around half-naked distributing some energy drink or getting drunk in front of your clients and making a total ass of yourself?


    Did anyone think those girls looked good in those ugly bikinis?:nono
    Big Brother

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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Quote Originally Posted by PhoneGrrrl;2728148;
    I think I’m up for the challenge—I’ve got on a bejeweled tunic and strappy sandals. I’ve also stuffed bra my bra and I have a flask full of liquor, so I’m ready for action.
    Hilarious recap PhoneGrrrl!

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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Phonegrrrl, you title for this recap is BRILLIANT! "Golden Girls Gone Wild"...how TRUE is that. These 40+ women are an embarassment with all their screaching, table dancing and extreme desperate attempts to hang on to their youth that went "swoosh" out the window 20+ years ago.

    NO ladies, you are not COOL.

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    FORT Fogey New Mommy's Avatar
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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Quote Originally Posted by SindyLew;2728427;
    Phonegrrrl, you title for this recap is BRILLIANT! "Golden Girls Gone Wild"...how TRUE is that. These 40+ women are an embarassment with all their screaching, table dancing and extreme desperate attempts to hang on to their youth that went "swoosh" out the window 20+ years ago.

    NO ladies, you are not COOL.
    Anyone who gawks at a hotel suite the way they did is the antithesis of cool. I thought, from their mouths, they only frequented 5 star hotels? They looked like people who have only been to Motel-6.
    Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.

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    Re: RHOOC 12/18 Recap: Golden Girls Gone Wild

    Hilarious recap, PG! I'm still without cable after my move and I was so sad I had to miss the show last night but super excited to see how quick you had the recap up. It was better than the actual show I'm sure!

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