Welcome back everyone. It seems like it has been forever since we have gathered or maybe itís that Iíve been busy trying to get as much plastic surgery done in the last week to look like LauriÖor maybe Iíve just been drunk and acting like a self-indulged OC child. No matter, itís Housewives night and that means I get to watch some of the shallowest people ever act like there is nothing wrong with their behavior. So, letís all adjust our implants, inject a little more Collagen, and throw on our best pair of Manolo Blahniks and get ready to kick back with a
boxbottle/s of wine and watch this disaster unfold.
To recap a little what has happened in the past couple of weeks in case you forgot. Lou died leaving Megan and Lindsey nothing. Lauri is getting married in the perfect fairytale wedding. Tamra is upset because Ryan and Simon arenít getting along. Vicki is moving into a smaller house, only 4,000 square feet. Jeana is trying to control her rude son. If you missed any of this, I am sure we will be reminded 800 more times about all this crap.
Iím Leaving on a Jet Plane
To kick the show off, Vicki and Jeana go out to lunch and are trying to follow their new strict boot camp diet. Vicki is finding it hardest to not drink so her and Jeana agree to only order one bottle of wine at lunch. Vicki is trying to get into shape so she looks her best for when they go to the lake. Heaven forbid the hillbillies at the lake think she looks portly. Jeana and Tammy are going to tag along on the trip and this should get very interesting. Jeana also drops the bomb on Vicki that she wants Colton to come because he has been a bit of a rascal. I donít know about you guys, but I love the word rascal and I will try to use it at least 5 more times in this recap!
During lunch, Dominico happens to be wondering by and joins the ladies for lunch. He thinks that Jeana should do Playboy again because he wants to see her naked. What if he just got her wasted and took her clothes off? Would that be as exciting as Playboy? It would probably be better for us then we wouldnít have to worry about coming across those pictures.
For graduation, McKenzie and Ashley are going to South Beach on a little trip. Megan and Lindsey are also tagging along on the adventure. I donít know how they are paying for this since their father has died, and left them nothing. I am positive nothing bad is going to happen on this trip with any of these girls with Captain Idiot (Ashley) in charge. Lauri hugs the girlís goodbye and tells them to use the credit card wisely. I wonder if wisely means keggers and dance clubs every night.
The girls are all off to the airport for their big adventure. Ashley is nervous about being the oldest and in charge. Megan is worried about having enough money. She lost her job after her father died (in case you forgot) and now she doesnít know how she is going to afford anything. That rascal!
Vicki is hosting a little party at her house to let sales people in the area mingle with each other. Dominico is at the event making me wonder if there is something more going on between Vicki and Dominico. During Vickiís little speech she sees her husband, Don, is talking in the back and she yells at him like a child. He gets upset and she doesnít understand why. I donít either, every adult likes to be treated like a child.
Meanwhile, outside the gates, Tamra is having a Pirate theme party for her young son, Spencer. The party is huge and Ryan is not being a huge help. Simon is really steamed at Ryan and they are being very uncomfortable around each other. I donít understand why Simon doesnít like a 21 year old living in his house that does nothing? Odd. During the party, Tamra gets all wet and is winning the wet T-shirt contest at the 5-year olds party. She jumps into Ryanís arms in an inappropriate position making me uncomfortable. I can only imagine how Simon feels.
Fun in the Sun
The girls all arrive in Miami for their trip and they take about 20 minutes to read a menu and order breakfast. It probably would have been helpful if the menu had picturesÖand everything spelled phonetically. Lindsey and Megan remind us again of how their Dad paid for everything and they donít have that now. Wah, wah, wah! One of the girls at the table calls her dad for more money and it puts Lindsey and Megan in a sad state. I have little to no sympathy. Iím heartless though. One might call me a rascal.
Jeana, Tammy, Colton, Vicki, Don and Frankie all are at the river. Frankie is the decorator and should probably not be anywhere where shirts are optional. Jeana is not psyched to get drunk and be on the river all day. I love camping on the river and getting drunk so I imagine I would like this little adventureÖminus the hillbillies and screeching from Vicki. The ladies proceed to get drunk and Vicki starts to hit everyone. She seems to think itís great, their expressions say otherwise.
Back in Miami, the young ladies are really partying it up big time. So far, they have slept, eaten, and gone to the beach. Someone needs to teach these girls how to have an exciting vacation. There is a crazy woman on the beach who is entertaining the girls and making them do crazy weird ďpositionsĒ on the beach. I donít get how she is making them do anything. You know all the locals are sitting on their towels just laughing at the stupid tourists. I am and Iím not even a Miami local.
On Lake Havasu, the group is all cruising around on the lake. Jeana, Tammy, Frankie, and Colton are all staying in a hotel because Vicki thinks it stresses out Don too much. The ladies call him on it and a big fight breaks out between Vicki and Don. He calls her a ďlying sack of sh*t.Ē Those sound like the words used in a very loving marriage. He is such a rascal.
Over in LaLa Land (Lauriís house) the wedding planner has arrived to help Lauri start to plan the event. She seems to think itís an intimate affair with their closest 200+ friends. Lauri reminds us that George says there is no budget and Lauri is having no problems with that. She is having fun spending his money and Iím having fun laughing at her grotesque appearance.
Acting a Fool
As the women are cruising the river, the ladies start to make fun of some of the other women they are seeing that are not so attractive. Jeana cuts loose a bit and starts to have a good time until they notice Colton up on this huge cliff getting ready to jump. Everyone yells to him to not jump and he disregards them all and jumps anyway. He truly is turning into Mini-Shane.
Tamraís family goes out to dinner to celebrate Spencerís birthday. I guess the huge pirate party was not enough. Ryan rolls in late and Tamra is really disappointed in how lazy he is. Ryan tells his mother about how he wants to plan a big trip to Cabo. She tells him that he doesnít have a job and he canít afford it. He tells her he always comes up with the money. Tamra confesses that she goes behind Simonís back and gives him money. She wonders if she is enabling him. Gee, you think. He then acts like an ass and starts to antagonize Simon. This kid really needs to be smack. What a lazy ass rascal!
The girls are finally ready to kick their vacation up a bit and they head over to Miami Ink for tattoos. I love when reality shows cross. Megan gets the first tattoo, Lindsey pays for it and Megan is grateful. She gets it on her neck and that has got to hurt. Ashley is up next and gets the words ďBelieveĒ on her foot. McKenzie is last and she starts to cry with fear. When I got my tattoo I almost hyperventilated so I understand what she is going through. It doesnít make me like her though. She starts getting something on her foot and in the process is gyrating around on the table making the weirdest noise ever.
The girls are all out at brunch and McKenzie calls Lauri to run the idea of the tattoos across her to see what she will stay. Lauri kind of freaks out about the whole ordeal, probably because there was never an episode of the Brady Bunch like this. McKenzie then proceeds to call her father and tell him. He is pretty upset and tells her to stay in Miami. I wonder if she stays there if they will stop filming her. If thatís the case, I vote she stays there!
The day on the river is finally winding down, everyone gathers at Vickiís to get drunk. Everyone is pretty wasted leaving a great impression on young Colton. Vicki is yelling and screeching, Jeana is chugging some ďman juiceĒ and Tammy is against the ďman juiceĒ because of the name. Vicki is wearing a short dress around and I am seriously concerned we are going to get a fuzzed shot in a minute.
Vacation time is over; McKenzie is showing her tattoo to Lauri and George. He is not really happy with her and thinks it looks like a bug. I think he kind of looks like a bug and the scary part is he has had ďworkĒ done to achieve that. Lauri and George go on to make fun of Ashleyís tattoo. I find that hilarious that fools are making fun of a fool.
Make sure to tune in next Wednesday to see Lindsey do some sort of topless photo shoot. Vicki gets pretty drunk and crazy. Jeana throws Tamra under the bus and Lauri acts all slutty with George. I canít wait. To prepare, I will cleanse my eyes with bleach.
If you are ashamed of me because the condo I am buying is only 1000 square feet, send me a PM. I will try to find a man with money so I can upgrade.