Welcome to the first official RHONJ recap. Iím not going to lie, Iím sure many animals were harmed in the making of this episode in order to outfit Theresa with clothes for the trip to the Catskills. Iím also sure; this episode was partially made possible by generous funding from the NRA in order for them to produce a safety video on how NOT to handle guns when many drunken people are around. So, letís get ready to dig in and see what is in store for us tonight.
Can You Save a Wench Like Me?
To kick the show off, we are back to the Theresa and Melissa meeting. I love the fact that they are sitting in Jacquelineís house while Jacqueline sits outside the door and listens in. I just hope her kids are no were in the area because Iím pretty sure that a table will be throw and possibly hair extensions ripped out...even though Danielle is no longer on the show. Theresa and Melissa argue about family and how it is so important to the other. Then there is a lot of finger point, accusations, and basic nonsense that is making their relationship fall apart. Melissa is evil; I just get that vibe from her during this meeting. She has no sense of accountability for herself or her actions. Donít get me wrong, Theresa has not been innocent in all of this, but I really think Melissa is stirring the pot.
Just when I think this argument is finally ending, Theresa canít keep her mouth shut and has to keep putting in little digs. She needs to keep her mouth shutÖand consider wearing less fur and animal print. The second part is purely my opinion, but I really think it will make her seem like she maybe has a small ounce of class. To save the day, Jacqueline comes in and pounces on Theresa to get her to shut her mouth for once. This leads to an awkward encounter where Theresa forces Jacqueline into inviting Melissa to a cocktail party she is having. Jacqueline seems less than enthused to go along with it and Melissa accepts. Nothing like inviting some people, you barely know, and who will more than likely cause some sort of drama, to your holiday cocktail party. The meeting ends with both sides agreeing to work on it, hugs, and many digs about the other during private interviews.
After the Theresa and Melissa meeting, we get a meeting between Caroline and Albert. I donít know how anyone else feels, whenever these two talk, it just feels forced or awkward. I donít know if Albert is over this whole show or what, but he doesnít seem comfortable, or that into his wife. Their meeting kicks off with Caroline asking Albert what he thought of her radio show. Albert tries to say it was good, except he doesnít seem like he really listened to it and then tells Caroline that he thought she started out slow, but it got better. Caroline then asks him if heís going to the Catskills with everyone. He declines. Probably the least shocking thing to happen tonight. I just get the impression that Albert, and Caroline for that matter, is so over Theresa and Joe.
The Catskills: 2 Bathroom House in the Catskills
Well, itís time to finally head off to the Catskills. Jacqueline and Chris load a large Rubbermaid container with wine. I guess Iíve never noticed, but they have one heck of a wine collection. In addition to packing wine, Chris is also going to bring along lots of guns. There is nothing like a large bucket of wine and some serious artillery to make the weekend in the Catskills that much more fun.
Meanwhile, Melissa is busy applying some serious make-up and talking with her sister about how her 5-year-old daughter has been asked to perform in some Christmas dance recital. I really donít care and kind of tune the whole thing out. That is until I find out that her daughter is participating in some ballroom dancing recital. First off, why is a 5-year-old taking ballroom dancing? Second, why is a 5-year-old taking ballroom dancing?
Next, we get to finally see Kathy and Rich. Kathy is telling Rich that she wants to start doing dessert catering. Iím not sure what that is, but why doesnít she open a bakery. Iím not going to lie, her desserts for Thanksgiving looked awesome and tasty, and she is clearly a good baker. Rich wants her to take it a step farther and to open a restaurant. Kathy should tell Rich she wants him to get some new glasses. Kathy kind of goes along with the whole restaurant idea, but not before telling Rich that he thinks too big. Some other stuff may have gone on, but these two kind of bore me. Letís get to wine guzzling and gun shooting.
Finally, we get to the Catskills. Theresa, Joe, Jacqueline, and Chris arrive at the house in the Catskills. Joeís parents and a whole bunch of other people are already there. Itís a typical cabin with lots of animal heads and antlers on the wall. Oh, and people standing around holding guns to greet the new people. Joeís father has prepared dinner and just wants everyone to sit and eat, while Theresa wants to run around in furry boots and look a fool. Then the sex talk starts and the whole episode goes downhill farther than normal. Iím slightly appalled about this; I really donít want to know about specific acts that each party excels at. Frankly, I just want to erase my memory so I never have to remember what I just heard.
After the dirty talk, the group decides to make pizza. This also leads to raunchy talk and the appearance of a big furry hat by Jacqueline. Everyone looks drunk! Then, Jacqueline and Theresa get into a serious talk about family and what is going to happen now. Blah, blah, blah. Letís get to some gun shooting and some more drinking. The pizza is finally done and there is lots of talk about Nutella pizza. This episode has the potential to be so exciting, but nothing yet. Nothing!
To end the night in the Catskills, we get a lovely shot of Theresa and Joe in bed together. Then we get an interview of Theresa showing us a small vibrator that Joe wears to excite her. Then, there are many shots of them rolling around in bed together and some dirty talk. I just want to vomit. Seriously, vomit. This is too much. Joe should not be allowed to be on TV without a shirt. That is all Iím going to say about that.
The Shot Heard Round the Catskills
The next morning, a pig is being grilled out on a spit and people are shooting guns off the porch. Seems like a typical vacation day to me. Caroline and her kids are driving up to join everyone. Caroline is lecturing her adult children about what they are allowed and not allowed to do there. I guess they donít have the ability to make their own decisions. Caroline needs to get some hobbies. When they arrive, gunfire erupts all over and freaks Caroline out. Theresa makes an appearance, dressed as an Eskimo, to great Caroline. Where is Theresa shopping? The all fur and tacky looking store.
Theresa informs the ladies they are going shopping and the boys will stay back and shoot guns and go riding on quads. Caroline does NOT want her boys riding quads. How dare they want to do an activity that adults can do. Theresa proclaims that she wants to get Caroline drunk. Caroline states that she canít because she has to be able to get in her car and go whenever she wants. Why ever would she need to hastily get away from this little Catskills adventure?
The women are off and the men stay behind to shoot guns. Joe proves to everyone what a good shot he is by shooting watermelons off a tree. Joe says heís ready for the old west. Iím pretty sure heís not, although Theresaís wardrobe might be. The women hit the town and go to a quaint little general store. The owners of the store seem horrified and slightly amused by these women invading their store. Jacqueline asks if there are any clubs nearby, the owner tells them about a new one that just opened up. Iím sure the people of this town are in for it now.
Back in Jersey, Melissa and Joe are getting ready to go their daughterís dance recital. Joe just creeps me out for some reason. Throw a low riding wig on that man and he would be a twin to his sister. Melissa gives Joe a talk about being a good father since hers has passed. Joe tells her that he is now her father and her husband. Joe, Iím pretty sure itís illegal to be both of those in all 50 states.
In the Catskills, everyone is home and the roasted pig is brought into the house. Caroline seems so uncomfortable around all these people. Iím sure she wouldnít hang out with these people, excluding Jacqueline and Chris, unless she was forced to by the TV show. The group gets back into talk about Theresa and her family again. Enough already, we get it, you are working on your relationship. Finally, someone changes the subject and busts out a picture of Joe doing the splits, or Van Dam as Caroline calls it. Itís pretty much one of the funniest pictures ever, almost as funny as the old school picture of Jim Bellino from the RHOOC. Joe then tries to do the splits, and itís just amusing to watch a short little stocky man try to stretch his short little stocky legs into the splits position.
After all the splits fun, Theresa, Joe, Jacqueline, and Chris decide to go for a late night quad ride. Caroline refuses accompany them and I think ticks off in her head the number of hours left that she has to hang out with these people. The quad ride is less than successful for Jacqueline. Meanwhile, the quad ride has made Theresa and Joe want to have sex right there in a snow pile. Gawd, get these two off my screen!
This whole show makes me fustrated!
Finally, the ballroom dancing recital for 5-year olds. Kathy is at the recital yammering on about something or other with Theresaís mom. Joe and his mom rekindle their relationship by dancing, dipping, and lots of lifts. Ugh! The dancing starts and its lot of older people doing bizarre dances. Most everyone in attendance looks bored to death, kind of how I feel. The big moment, the daughter comes out to dance with an older gentleman. Once again, why is the daughter involved in this school? There seems to be no one else her age associated with it. This whole thing is too weird for me. The whole thing ends with Melissa saying how fustrated she is with the whole family situation (that is not a misspelling; itís a misspeaking by Melissa). Who teaches these people in school?
In the Catskills, the group has headed off to a NightclubÖor a backwoods bar. Lot of shots are had, locals are mingled with, and single men are harassed by Theresa. Caroline looks like she wants to crawl under a rock and die. Thankfully, she probably could easily find one close by to do that. Theresa then takes the stage to alert all the single men that her friend is looking for a single man. A wide variety of men take the stage to vie for the honor to be with one of these crazy ladies from the big city. Then, the most shocking revelation ever when Theresa tells us she is totally into looks when it comes to men. Really, why are you married to Joe then?
To end the night, there is more shooting and Theresa wants to take the crew to see the church on her property. The church is way over the top and a little creepy. Caroline and Jacqueline are so amused by the whole situation and Theresa doesnít seem to understand. Prayers are said, lighting surprisingly does not strike anyone dead, and the show finally ends.
Make sure to tune in next week to see Albert laugh at Rich and Kathyís restaurant idea, Joe get sued for fraud, and probably some sort of family drama between Melissa and Theresa.