Hello folks. I’m back. No, I wasn’t banished to the other side of the island. Let’s just say it was a heck of a week and I’m very thankful for our wonderful Eny for stepping in and covering last week’s show. Now, just because I didn’t recap last week’s show doesn’t mean that I didn’t miss the travesty of Rachel being banished. It’s a conspiracy I tell ya. Right up there with who shot JFK and the real reason my Rachel Hunter Bearskin Rug just happened to catch fire. I would rather spend this recap on our lovely goddess with supple copper skin, and eyes that sparkle of a thousand diamonds, but alas I must begin with the crapfest that became of this show. Deep breath in…aaaand begin.
A Genius Among Fools
We’re joined amidst a heavy strategizing session between Gilligan Chris and Skipper Jim. Gilligan realizes that with Rachel gone, the Stearns are in control of the game. As the Skipper nods away I can’t help but feel sorry for the salty mariner. He’s just a pawn in the game and as we’re taken to the war room of the Stearns, it confirms my fears that the Skip might not be around much longer.
You gotta give credit to Mr. Stearns for one thing: he’s a sneaky bastard. He’s been the only one coming up with scenarios and equations that would even impressed my ninth grade physics teacher. Now there’s a reason I avoid statistical analysis. It makes my head hurt. Not so for the Millionaire. Of course, that’s probably why he sleeps on 900 thread count sheets while I’m dipping donuts into sugary glaze for 6 bucks an hour, but I digress. There are so many options for the Stearns to choose from, just what will he do? Mrs. Stearns doesn’t really care as we see her hand creeping up the Millionaire’s thigh. This is about the tenth time we’ve seen the Mrs. make a move on her hubby and most certainly not the last.
Once the Millionaire figures out his tactics, he heads down to the beach where Mary Ann Kate just happens to be sunning herself topless. There’s nary a tan line on her torso which leaves me to believe sunning topless has a place in her daily routine. Mr. Stearns clunks down next to her, eyes affixed to her seashells and lays out his plan. Mr. Stearns wants to take Mary Ann to the final three but realizes she has an alliance with Gilligan. He assures her of his word and offers a handshake. Mary Ann obliges and reaches out to shake his hand exposing one of her taut mounds. Oh she just fell for the oldest beach trick in the book. Sneaky devil.
The sound of the radio comes alive and it’s time for the last reward challenge to commence. The castaway’s are directed to head down to the picnic tables on the beach. Once seated they find a covered dish in front of them. Our cute and cuddly host Scott tells them they will all be able to enjoy their favorite meals and tells them to uncover the dishes. Ooohs and ahhs abound as the castaway’s begin salivating at the meals they haven’t had in sometime. Of course there is a catch and Scott explains that they must eat all of the other castaway’s food…pureed style. One by one the plates are emptied into the jumbo-blender. There’s something for everyone as bits of shrimp, chicken wings, tortellini and steak are emptied into the bottomless blender. A zap here, a zap there and voila! Dinner is served. Scott pours everyone a tall glass of clumps and explains that any castaway who can chug all the contents within five minutes will get their favorite meal for dinner…in its intended form.
Scott gives the go and one by one the castaway’s grab their noses and begin to imbibe. I’m particularly unimpressed with Mary Ann and Gilligan. They’re young and still in the partying mode. I would’ve thought they would be master’s at chugging games. I once chewed and swallowed seven salamanders in one minute. And that was just for a kiss from a gal named Jeannie. Who knows what I’ve done for a full steak dinner.
We’re treated to the grimaces and ewww looks that come with drinking mystery slop. Mr. Stearns seems to be the first one who will cop out. Mrs. Stearns grabs her nose and down the hatch it goes. Mary Ann finishes next followed by Gilligan and then the Skipper. Mr. Stearns finally steps up and gobbles the last bit down as time runs out. Yay! They all finish under five minutes and thus they are treated with their favorite meal for dinner.
Later that evening the gang dress to the nines and enjoy the first real meal they’ve had in quite sometime. Mrs. Stearns apparently seems to be enjoying it just a little too much as evidenced by the moaning, groaning and Elvis-like gyrations. Umm, Mr. Stearns, you gonna take care of that cause it’s getting a little old for the viewer.
Mary Ann makes a side comment about how good of an actress she is and this perks the ears of the Millionaire and Gilligan. It’s back to the drawing board for the Millionaire, checking and rechecking the schematics of a victory. Over in Gilligan’s hut, he confronts Mary Ann about their alliance. Mary Ann reassures Gilliagn that she would never vote off Gilligan and their alliance was solid. Afterall, she’s a good girl and sticks to her promises. Yeah, I knew a few good girls back in the day. Their names were Hussy, Harlot and Tramp.
Dive! Dive! Dive!
There’s no rest for the weary as the following day the radio brings news of the game for the safety ring. The game faces are on and it’s “hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to the lagoon we go”. Along the way, the Skipper says it’s time to step up if he wants to stick around. Oh silly Skip.
Today’s competition is one of diving and retrieving. The catch is that there will always be one less object than person competing. Kind of a musical mermaid type game. Thus whoever comes up without an object, they are then out of the game. The first item up for retrieval is a starfish and the castaway’s jump in. The Skipper fails to retrieve one and thus is eliminated and gone are the dreams of a Mustang and a quarter-million cold hard cash. The next object is a treasure chest and Mary Ann is eliminated. It comes down to a ships wheel in which Gilligan and Mrs. Stearns will be duking it out over. Mrs. Stearns comes to the surface victorious and claims the life ring and immunity.
Prior to VooDoo Village the Stearns jostle one last time, this time hustling Gilligan for his vote. Mr. Stearns is sweating bullets knowing that Gilligan could get Mary Ann to vote along with he and the Skipper and banish Mr. Stearns. Mary Ann is surprised to learn that she is the swing vote and she is torn on what to do.
We all know that the Skipper is the next to get the axe but lets cover the formalities anyways. At VooDoo Village the castaway’s choose the doll of whom they want to banish. Both the Millionaire and his Wife choose the Skipper’s doll. The Skipper and Gilligan choose Mr. Stearns doll. That leaves Mary Ann to cast the deciding vote. Now, if Mary Ann had any ounce of thought, her logical choice would be to banish Mr. Stearns. Alas, we are duped and Mary Ann chooses the doll of the Skipper. The Skipper says some kind words and it’s off to the other side of the island to console Rachel (the lucky dog).
Walk The Plank Matey
There’s a lot to cover in a two hour series finale which is why there is no time wasted in getting to the final safety ring competition. The remaining castaway’s are once again heading to the lagoon.
The name of the game is called Walking The Plank and in Yellowbeard-like fashion, the gang will answers questions while standing on a plank of wood. Each improperly answered question means one step forward towards a leap into the cold murky waters that lay below. Should two or more people remain on the plank after all the questions are asked, then it will become a balancing act on the edge of the plank until someone falls in.
Scott begins asking questions about the castaway’s lives. Question’s such as: who has the silkiest hair in all the land? Who has graced the cover of Sports Illustrated? Who has the hottest accent? Why Rachel Hunter of course. I should’ve been a castaway, I would’ve rocked this game. Gilligan is the first to fall off the plank followed by the Millionaire. That leaves the two gals in a competition of balance. Thirty minutes goes by and the two are still balancing on the edge of the plank. Mary Ann almost loses her balance but regains stability; must’ve been all that practice necking in the hayloft. Mary Ann offers a deal to Mrs. Stearns. If Mrs. Stearns jumps off the plank first, Mary Ann promises to take her to the final three. Mrs. Stearns doesn’t even take a second to think about it before she dives off, leaving Mary Ann the winner of the safety ring.
When Two Tribes Go To War
Back at the huts, Mrs. Stearns tell the Millionaire what the deal was that she made with Mary Ann. Mr. Stearns is pissed that his safety wasn’t guaranteed and begins to hypnotize his wife into thinking she screwed up the whole plan. *waves hand: these are not the droids you’re looking for* You have to hand it to the man. When he starts sweating, he’s good at getting out of jams. Now Mrs. Stearns is confused and they both team up on Mary Ann.
Mary Ann is holding her ground at first. She is telling the couple that she made an agreement with Gilligan to go to the final two and would hate to go back on her word. But Mr. Stearns is too skilled and quickly breaks her down, feeding her mind with propaganda and reasons why to vote off Gilligan.
Things are getting heated up and Gilligan jumps into the foray, blood boiling and ready for a good ole fashioned whoop ass. Gilligan has a point about he and Mary Ann needing the money much more than the Millionaire’s. To the young coeds, that kind of money can help them pay off Mary Ann’s TJ Max credit card and Gilligan can finally get that really bitchin’ Razor Scooter he’s had his eyes on. The Millionaire will having of it. Suddenly, we find out about his children’s charity he plans on donating the money to. Well, that’s news to us and I’m suspect to whether that is part of the game or if it is for real.
Gilligan asks what the difference is if he used the competition money for his charity or if he used one of the hundred million dollars he already has. The Millionaire replies, “that’s the reason you are where you are and I am where I am at.” Oh, this is going to get good. One word of advice to the Mr. Stearns: never get into a pissing contest with an Irishman from Boston. Not good. The gloves are off and Gilligan tells Mr. Stearns he can take the job offer and shove it up his ass. Job offer? Huh? First we hear of a charity and now we hear of a job offer? Since the editors of this show suck, I guess it’s safe to assume that sometime during the show, the Millionaire offered Gilligan a job.
It’s the final
Tribal CouncilVooDoo Village and the remaining four head off to banish the last person to the other side of the island. Mary Ann has gotten herself into a pickle and her six-pack abs are fluttering with butterflies. She has made promises to both sides and now has to decide.
Since Mary Ann has the safety ring, there are only three choices to choose for banishment. The Millionaire’s both choose Gilligan. Gilligan chooses Mr. Stearns which leaves *surprise!* Mary Ann as the swing vote. Keeping true to her word, Mary Ann doesn’t vote for Gilligan but rather takes the shoddy route and votes for Mrs. Stearns. That leaves two votes for Gilligan and one vote for Mrs. Stearns. Gilligan is banished and throws his voodoo doll into the burning fire and walks sullenly out the gate.
The Most Anti-climactic Finish Ever
Are you still awake? I don’t blame you if you’re not. Believe me, I’m just as bored writing this recap as I was watching the show. Luckily, we’re near the end of the show and we can all end the misery together.
The three remaining castaway’s are up and about early, eager to compete in their final challenge and to be rescued. We’re treated to flashback footage of days gone by and the antics of the former castaway’s. Of course, we can’t forget the Mrs. Bevens or the laughable Gilligan Gooner. But none will be as missed as the lovely and endearing Ginger Rachel. It’s all I can do to keep from weeping and ruining my Rachel Hunter tank top. *sigh*
It’s time for the final challenge to begin and the castaway’s gather on the beach where Host Scott greets them with a smile. It is a three part task that will require wits, brawn and stamina. Throw in a little bit of luck for good measure.
In the first leg, the castaway’s will have to use a map to navigate their way to the a pile of lumber in which they will build an S.O.S. sign. Once completed, they will see a shovel in the sand and attached to that is another map.
In leg two, they need to follow the map and take the shovel to the next task. Once there, they’ll use the shovel to dig up a box. Inside the box contains a torch and another map. They will then use the map and take the torch back to the beachfront where there will be a fire pit.
The final leg consists of lighting the torch and swimming with it out to a floating dock in the ocean. Once the torch is placed in the torch holder thingy, a rescue helicopter will come and rescue the winner.
Scott gives the go and Mary Ann is tearing up the sand to the pile of lumber. She is doing well, using the planks to make the S.O.S. sign while Mrs. Stearns and the Millionaire are lagging behind. Once finished with the sign, Mary Ann is having a hard time finding the shovel. I was yelling at my TV screen. “It’s right in front of you, dammit!” It was no use as the other two catch up and overtake Mary Ann. Mrs. Stearns is the first to arrive at task number two as she frantically begins to dig sand and search for the box. The Millionaire shows up as well and uses his shovel to start digging.
Mr. Stearns is the first to dig up the box and is surprised at how lodged in the sand the box was. Inside laid the torch and map and off he goes to task number three. Mrs. Stearns isn’t too far behind and makes it a close race. Mary Ann is all but finished as she struggles to lift the box out of the sand.
Mr. Stearns is the first to the fire pit and light his torch. It’s lit and he begins to wade out to the platform in the ocean. About halfway there, Mrs. Stearns enters the water and is in full chase mode after her hubby. It’s too late and Mr. Stearns reaches the floating dock and places his torch in the holder. The rescue helicopter comes to rescue him and the show suddenly comes to an end.
Sure we see about thirty seconds of the Millionaire checking out his ride and popping the lid to the cash, but that’s it. No reunion. No wrap up. No nothing.
And just like that it’s over. Finished. I’m left wanting more, yearning for one more glimpse of Rachel hunter. We’ll have to wait for season two coming up this spring. I sincerely hope you’ll join me again as we‘re treated to a whole new set of shenanigans and adventures. Until we meet again…toodle-loo!
Questions? Comments? Just feel like bitching? Email me at: Speedbump@fansofrealitytv.com