Welcome back to the other island with the castaways and the smarmy host . I am your humble subcapper, as our dear Speedy is missing in action. Something was mumbled about him rushing off to console Rachel once he viewed the show , but Iím sure weíll find him before the finale.
The show opens in the aftermath of last weeks wild happenings . Not only did we get the final cast after dumping all the superfluous Mary Annes and Gingers etc, but there was a hurricane which they are shown to have ridden out in ye old Gilligans Island cave. (You know, the one where Gilligan had to move to when he was contagious, and they found Kurt Russell hiding in before he hooked up with Goldie ) The cast is shown cleaning up a few strategically placed branches , and Mary Ann-Kate is pouting how Mrs Stearn is a one woman clean up crew. She has to be, as after ten minutes of hard work Mr Stearn is already napping. Ginger -Rachel ponders the future .
They meet host Scott , who has obviously been shopping for outfits at the Jeff Probst island host store. Who knows , maybe they car -pooled to the island too. Scott congratulates the finalists , and informs them now anyone can win. They will be going the Scooby doo er Voodoo village to banish someone to other side of the island . Not like that other show where they are voted off the island to um, be banished to a resort on the other side of the island. How original. Whatever cast away wins the coveted safety challenge, wins the life preserver and canít be banished. Boy, Iíve really never heard anything like this.
And what are we playing for Scott ? Well in my best Bob Barker voice ďitís a 2005 Fooord Mustang and 250,000 dollars in cash". I look for Mindy and Rachels re-actions as I know this wouldnít even pay their shoe store tab, and neither of them would be caught dead in anything less than a Mercedes. They are stone faced. Mary Ann - Kate looks like she realized she should have listened to momma and pressed the whole family ties schtick with the Survivor producers. Still, sheís a trooper and informs us she has only 6 bucks in the bank and figures itís a start. The rest of them seem ok with the lame prize. Gilligan- Chris even tells us itís more money than he would know what do with. Donít say that too close to Mindy. Sheíd have you decked out in satin boxers and Armani before you could say ďWhat does a Mercedes even look like?Ē
Millionaire Glenn is stoked at the competition , so much so that Mindy figures sheís on her own. With two challenges in a day , Rachel tells us there is no stopping her. Ah our old friend Mr Reality editing makes an appearance . The Professor and Ginger make an alliance. (See I always knew the professor and Ginger had it going on). Meanwhile, Millionaire Glen is planning to get ď the kidsĒ on his side then dump them at the appropriate time. They all spend some time in the gross looking dip/hot-tub. Man if your momma told you youíd catch something from a regular hot-tub, I canít even think what youíd get from that one. Ewww. Mr S is loving the competition, but has overlooked Rachel working on our boy Gilligan for that same alliance in lingerie . Hmmm a millionaire who may be able to help you post show OR a hot supermodel encased in satin. Tough choice. Gilligan has assured Mr Millionaire that Rachel working on him in the shiny slinky get-up had no effect on him. He hopes Glenn didnít see the drool on his chin or the glazed over eyes.
The radio interrupts to call them to the reward challenge cleverly called um the reward challenge. Again we wouldnít want to get it mixed up with that other show , thatís why the clever disguise. Itís something about jewels and fish, so Mindy brightens at the jewels part. They come to the challenge area where they are greeted with a pile of rotting fish . HostScott tells them they have to search through 1000 fish to find a diamond ring . Whoever finds the bling gets a pizza dinner. I wonder if Iíd really want to eat if I had slugged my way through a pile of rotting fish, unlike Mindy who tells us she usually only has to swallow to get diamonds. Yeah thanks for sharing. They all tear merrily through the foetid mess till MaryAnne- Kate comes up with the rock. She choses our boy Gilligan to share the reward. Iíd say life is pretty good for this Gilligan. Meanwhile, Glenn shares that itís not the first time Mindy has smelled like fish. He doesnít care to swallow as much as Mindy does apparently . ( Hey I didnít make this stuff up , so no infuriated pms or e-mails )
We are shown the pizza date , and Mary Anne Kate looking at Gilligan, licking her farm girl lips and declaring the pizza "an orgasm in her mouth". Not surprisingly this talk sends Gilligan into a swoon. He takes her to the hammock and they play kissy while the skipper snores. I donít recall an episode where Gilligan gets promises from Mr Howell , gets hit on by both Ginger and Mary Anne and even ends up in the hammock with Mary Anne after pizza and wine. Of course I donít recall Gilligan being kind of hot either.
Next morning, heís feeling great ,and declares Mary Ann- Kate is ďinto himĒ. Kate for her part doesnít tell us about Gilligan being into her because itís a PG recap people. Besides, she tells us she has Ďpowerí over him. He obviously gave her the same drooly glazed eyed look that he had given Rachel.
Before we know, itís time for the cleverly named safety challenge. Scott gives us a quick run down on the old Ďshow where your alliances areí tiki challenge. It involves chopping coconuts in turns in front of the named tikis til only one person remains with an unbroken coconut. It was a silly mix of Ďoh I seeí, and people not wanting to show their alliances and chopping their own. Not even the worst survivor was that dumb. Mindy finally comes up the winner and is handed the lovely life preserver.
Back at the village they rehash the challenge. They all gather in the Gilligan/Skipper hut. Ginger Rachel is out for a rumble as she was chopped out of the challenge early . MaryAnn Kate lays into Ginger something about unshared Ritz crackers . Sheís ranting, and I suddenly remember her momís ouster from Survivor Amazon for hoarding granola bars. What is it with this family and food hoarding ? Mr Howell/Stearn tells her how much he admires her. Mrs Howell/ Mindy looks mad and notes that Rachel MUST go. Goodness knows how many diamonds a girl like Rachel could get out of old Glenn. Skipper kicks their butts out the door because he feels some snores coming on. Mary Ann is still carrying on about the crackers. Mr S figures he should run the island like his businesses. Rachel is freaking out about the others trying to oust her and is shouting some F Uís and throwing some middle fingered hand signals never before seen on Gilligans island.
They all head off to Voodoo village to banish the first castmate from the final crew. Of course there are many torches. You canít have
tribal councila voodoo banishment ceremony without plenty of torches. We get another Bob Barker 2005 Fooord Mustang speech from Scott. The Gilliganians are told they must choose from an assortment of voodoo look alike dolls that are to be dropped into a box. The most look alikes in the box equals a trip to loser lodge. How Fleissian. It looks like the same box they used for Roses to choose the last Bachelor. In a surprise move the Professor has the most voodoos. We knew by the editing it wouldnít be Rachel. He leaves with a lovely speech.
Next morning Rach and Glenn get into it right away. Glenn figures that Skipper is the wild card. He is jabbering on and Mindy tries to shut him up by trying to jump him. Heís having none of it and continues to strategize out loud. Meanwhile, Ginger is again working her model majik in a white bikini on poor Gilligan. Then Mary Ann tries. Compared to Rachel in full out model glam she has um very little ammo.
We are ready for another reward challenge already. They pair up Mindy and Glenn , surprise . Kate and Chris - surprise and Rachel and her new alliance partner the Skipper- really a surprise. One partner is blindfolded and the other is tied to a pole . Mindy is loving the being tied up thing. The pole tied person has to direct the unblindfolded partner to dig up two keys , then direct them to unlock their handcuffs. They both have to unlock a treasure box which contains 5 grand in bills and coins. For that kind of money Mindy barely gets out of bed., but at least she tries. Rachel and Skipper are hopeless , so Kate and Gilligan Chris win. They are stoked at their piddly win , and I swear Mindy giggles.
Back at the village they are back in the gross dipping pool. Ewww and ewww. The ladies all decide to massage Gilligan for some reason, and suddenly the Lubriderm is out and they are shown groping and kneading him. Again, lucky Gilligan Chris , and I donít remember this episode either. As a result Chris is suddenly telling Mr Millionaire that the alliance is over and he is voting his own way. Glenn has suddenly realized heís in trouble at the same time Rachel is preening over Gilligan. Mindy and Glenn watch some bug sex as Glenn realizes they could also vote off Mindy. Ho hum. This means they are both safe. I know Fleiss editing by now. Suddenly Glenn pulls a Rupert and decides he should be feeding the troops. He catches an anemic little fish which for some strange reason Mindy decides to beat the crap out of, and throw in the sand. On hearing of this Skipper, ( you remember him , heís the one so far under the radar he has had about 30 seconds of screen time), suddenly thinks itís he who should be doing the fishing thing. Still, they cook the sad little thing and oddly unlike that other show itís served up all fancy.
Next up is the safety challenge . Itís an obstacle course involving a zip line, swimming , a balance beam , more swimming and a climbing net. Fastest time wins. Mr Type A+++ personality Glenn sets the bar high for time, and no one ever catches up. Rachel almost does , but is out by a half a second. Who knew super models and desk bound millionaires were so athletic? Gilligan Chris does a classic Gilligan pratfall off of the balance beam. Great stuff.
Just like the first island crew, Glenn tells Mindy to wear all the big rocks to show off but unlike Mrs Howell we know how she worked for them.They are all spiffed up in cast costume for the Voodoo lounge. Yay itís time for Scotts 2005 Fooord Mustang speech. They vote . We are shown Glenn and Rachel voting for each other. In his best Probstinator voice he tells them ď lets count the votesĒ Mindy gets two votes , oddly Kate gets one , and Rachel three. That means Rachel takes the long walk in high heels to loser lodge. Oh well , Iím sure once she found out about the lame prize she didnít much care.
Tune in next week as TBS doubles up the episodes again for the finale. Find out if Kate will outdo her mom at the island games.
I'm only a humble sub capper, but send 2005 Ford Mustangs and spare cash to email@example.com