The Real Gilligan's Island: Ep. 3 - "Bikinis Galore And Two Teams No More"
If you are like me, you’re just as surprised at the increasing popularity of this show. Honestly, I thought I would be conversing with myself in an empty show forum as the occasional tumbleweed whooshed by or perhaps be visited by the obsessed Survivor fanatic who was so excited to read this weeks recap, they accidentally clicked on the wrong title. Even my sister has started watching the show. Sure the Godiva chocolates and tickets to Grease helped, but she’s hooked. So now that we have enough people to officially have a non-sucky party, lets break out the chips and salsa, pull up a beanbag and see who are the last two castaway’s to make the final cut.
Just Your Average Morning…If You‘re Hot And Sexy
We’re blessed with opening shots of the island’s beauty. No, not the crashing surf on the coral laden beaches, or even the morning sunrise. No, instead we’re given the wide-angle lens view of Rachel Hunter sunbathing in all her glory, unaware of the ogling eyes and whispered catcalls. With just her delicate hands covering her twin peaks and some dental floss doubling as bottoms, it’s all the Skipper and Professor can do from stumbling over their feet and taking a header into the rocks.
Peeping TomMillionaire is getting in on the action. He’s not very convincing at acting like he’s not looking. He must be rusty. The foaming of the mouth and tucking back in of the tongue kinda gave it away. Sucks being married doesn’t it? What, with always having to act like you’re not watching or the pre-programmed, “honey, your saggy ass is way sexier“ or how about the “having perky boobs is so overrated” routine? Luckily, I don’t know from experience, but I’ve seen many a friend pull up a piece of couch from getting caught and forgetting his rehearsed lines.
Across the beach Mary Ann Kate and Gilligan Chris are awaking from their little sleepover. Gilligan fumbles with his pants and we quickly realize why Mary Ann Kate is so full of smiles- the hut isn’t the only thing made of wood. Gilligan is digging Kate in a playa kinda of way. He’s playing coy with Mr. Stearns and simply says she is a total sweet-haht (translation for non-New Englanders: sweetheart). You better watch out Gilligan Chris. Don’t let the pouty lips and puppy dog eyes fool you. The only thing worse than a player is a player getting played.
No folks, the sexual innuendo doesn‘t end with the girls. This time it’s the Skipper and let’s just say my perma-grin is quickly replaced with hands over the eyes. The Skipper is splayed out in his hammock in naked-like Michelangelo fashion with only a loin cloth covering his nether region. I’m waiting for 21 virgins to come out with palm frond fans and grapes to be fed by hand. I’m sincerely disappointed. Rachel takes advantage of her first time seeing a man sans-six pack and rock hard pecs and eagerly asks to see his “little buddy“<---to put it politely. Giggling and squealing ensues and thankfully the Skipper proves to be a tease. Whew!
She Wore A Pearl Necklace
Sal, our lovable voice on the radio, interrupts the love fest and asks which Ginger can make the biggest splash. It’s time for the first of two eliminations this episode and the hilarity turns to seriousness as the Ginger’s retreat to apply some last minute Nair and eyeshadow.
The gang hikes over to a lavish blue lagoon complete with waterfall, floral and fauna. Host Scott explains the days competition. The Ginger’s will have to dive into the lagoon, which is littered with hundreds of oysters, some which contain pearls and others that contain rocks. The Ginger’s will have to find fifteen oysters that have pearls and place them on the side where their respective Gilligan will shuck the oysters. Once fifteen pearls are found, the girls will have to string the pearls together and clasp it around their neck. The winner is rewarded with the title of Movie Star. The loser is banished to the other side of the island where “I was a reality television loser” will be etched onto her resume.
The girls strip down to their bikinis and stare each other down, wondering who has the best swimsuit body and smoothest legs. They’re so superficial. I love it! Host Scott gives the go and it’s on. Nicole, trained as an elite swimmer from her days of being on Baywatch, takes an early lead. It’s going to be a blowout I predict. Yeah, sure, Rachel has pranced on the water, wearing coconut shelled bikini’s, but nary a minute of it has been spent underwater. The advantage goes to Nicole. Who else can boast swimming alongside the best: Obie-Wan Hasslehoff? On this day it will be Nicole.
Well there’s a reason I flunked Miss Cleo’s School of Fortune Telling. In short: I suck. Who’d a thunk that Rachel would be matching Nicole pearl for pearl? Surely not I. The girls are tied at eleven pearls each and Nicole has hit the wall. I’m shocked. I’m surprised. I suddenly wish I hadn’t placed that bet with my bookie. Meanwhile, Rachel inflates her go-go gadget gills and flippers and snatches up four more oyster’s with pearls to complete the diving portion of the contest. Nicole, being the trooper that she is, keeps on swimming, hoping for a mistake by Rachel.
Rachel hops up on the platform and begins stringing her pearls together. Nicole joins her and Gilligan Gooner gives Nicole the best yee-haw motivational chant he can. In the end, it is Rachel who prevails. With necklace firmly secured, Rachel looks like she’s gonna pass out but not before she manages a Rocky-esque raising of the arms and a “Yo Adrian” scream. Scotts announces the winner and the two girls give each other a “good game” pat on the ass.
I must admit that I am somewhat sad to see Nicole leave. And as I sit here in my Rachel Hunter leopard print thong and camisole, I can’t help but feel somewhat sad to see such a nice gal leave, and with any luck, the TV gods are looking down and will see that she doesn’t fade back into obscurity. *sigh* My sentimental moment is interrupted by the ding of my Rachel Hunter easy-bake oven. Popcorn anyone?
Crackergate And The Alliance
While waiting for the sun to set, the Millionaire and his Wife along with Gilligan Chris and Kate decide to do a little hot tubbing. That must’ve been some party the other night as the once bubbling tub with clear water is now sewer brown and home to a three headed piranha. Still, the couples enjoy the water and the homemade bubble jets created by Gilligan and the Millionaire. *hee hee*
There’s no better place to get sneaky than in a hot tub. I’m not referring to some underwater hanky panky, the casual touching of toes, the stroking of the thigh, the removal of the swimsuit-and that’s just the Millionaire and Gilligan. It’s time for the next best thing: form an alliance.
The Stearns, Mary Ann and Gilligan talk about going to the final four together. Apparently, Mr. Stearns has been thinking ahead and realized by teaming up they could rule the world. Come on Mr. Stearns, we all know the strongest player is. Hint: blonde, lithe and an accent as angelic as the latest Yanni album. Even Mr. Stearns agrees with me which is why he wants to team up with the young couple. Eliminate Rachel from the game? Over my dead Rachel Hunter terry cloth sweatsuit clothed body they will. Hmpf!
Over at Ginger’s hut, Gooner and Rachel are sitting, chit chatting about the latest in Prada and the life of Picasso. Madman or genius? Who cares? All this stimulating talk has Rachel feeling a wee bit hungry and anxious for the upcoming snacks. Rachel remembers that Mary Ann was given crackers in her suitcase. The girls had made a deal not to scarf them down unless it was a dire emergency. Rachel plans to confront Mary Ann on the whereabouts, but I’m wondering how she knew in the first place they were missing? And lastly, with the build up of the missing crackers, why weren’t we treated to some hair pulling, mud wrestling and cat fighting that girl on girl confrontation usually produces? Ahhh, the important questions always go unanswered. Damn you editing for leaving us hanging!
Gooner, The Mooner And A Stoned Skipper
It’s celebration time. Yay! The team of Minnow Gold is rewarded as the result of Rachel’s win and I’m once again trying to predict what the team will receive as a reward. Front row seats at the Laker’s Game? Nope. A lifetime supply of Sour Patch Kids? Nope. See, I told you I sucked at this.
The gang is rewarded to a night of fun, Hollywood style: neon lights, papparazzi, over priced Shirley Temples. Oh wait, that’s for the real celebrities. Instead, the gang is treated to something just as fun if not better: chocolates, soda pop and a classic movie. Yesss!
Poor Skipper and Gilligan are reduced to a night of scavenging and pillaging for food. But tonight, the Skipper has a treat of his own up his sleeve. While Gooner mumbles something in Gooner-eese the Skipper pulls out a half smoked blunt. “Dude, check out what I found. Wanna toke it up?” Not wanting to pass up a once in a lifetime chance to hit the ganja, Gooner offers up a, “Yeah, I’ll smoke with you.” So eloquent. So simple. It’s no wonder he’s the cover boy in next month’s Tiger Beat. Ok, so I might have embellished what exactly they were smoking, but what fun would it have been if I just said the Skipper found a half smoked cigar on the beach? Boooring.
The team of Minnow Gold gathers around for movie night. There’s popcorn, soda and chocolate (JuJu Bees sold separately). It’s a fun night as the gang stuffs their faces like they haven’t eaten since…the last challenge they won. This could possibly be the first set of castaway’s that leave an island heavier than when they arrived. The movie shown was Mr. Robinson Crusoe, a 1932 black and white classic, which if I remember correctly, is found on page 432 of Leonard Maltin’s Uber-Bad Movies Unless Shown On A Deserted Island Movie Review Guide.
Harking back to why I suggested the cigar Skipper found contained a little THC, we see Gooner getting giggly and inquiring about where to get pizza. Yep, he’s got the munchies. The Skip, being more rational, shoves some kiwi down Gooner’s throat to ease the pangs of pie. Capitalizing on such silliness, Gilligan Gooner decides to rain on the Gold team’s parade. I guess you could say Gooner got a wild hair up his ass, or rather quite a few hundred as we’re treated to the sight of his vertical mustache. Yep, Gooner dropped trou and put his best face forward. Everyone ooh’s and ahh’s yet nobody seems to look away.
It’s the next morning of the competition and Rachel and Gooner are spending some alone time in the hut. Rachel will publicly root for Gilligan Chris as they are on the same team, but secretly, deep down inside areas that usually make a 12-year-old giggle, she will be rooting for Gilligan Gooner. Gooner is verklempt at the idea that he may lose and tells Rachel that he doesn’t see her as Rachel Hunter the supermodel, but rather just as Rachel. Rachel, is weepy and honestly, I’m buying it hook, line and sinker. Damn, this girl can act. Or, perhaps Gooner has mojo? I think he just might.
Round and Round He Goes, Where He’ll Drop, Nobody Knows
It’s the final showdown; the last stand at the OK Coral and the Alamo all rolled up into one ballistic battle of wits, brawn and willpower. Who will take it? The cute-dorky ladies man with dreamy eyes and wispy locks of saltwater-y kissed hair? Or perhaps the baritone voice of the world’s skinniest deckhand with an endearing laugh and hellacious grin? No need to wonder aloud any longer folks, we’re almost there.
Today’s final competition is unique to the rest because there will be no help from the other castaway’s. It will just be the two deckhands in a classic showdown reminiscent of Freddy versus Jason (minus the bad acting). Host Scott explains the contraption that the Gilligan’s will be sitting in. The will both sit in a swivel chair and be spun around while holding a bucket. Over their heads is a spout which running water will pour out of. The idea is to fill their buckets up with water as they’re spinning and then get off the chair with bucket in hand and wobble 20 feet to a larger bucket attached to a scale. The winner who can get the most water into their bucket on the scale in five minutes wins.
Now, if you’ve ever played the game Dizzy Izzy or some other variation of spinning around and around, you just know we’re going to be treated to some comedic gold offered up by Gooner. Gooner is the next Jim Carey in terms of physical acting. Just watching him walk has me giggling.
Scott starts the game and the two lads begin-a-spinning. Gilligan Chris has the right idea by holding the bucket under the water as he is spun around. Gilligan Gooner on the other hand has totally lost the concept. Rather than moving the bucket to the water, Gooner just keeps the bucket to his chest so the only time he gets water is when his body passes under the water. Oy vey, the guy is clueless.
The chairs stop spinning and Gilligan Chris is the first to hop off and fill up the bucket. Chris does a good job of transitioning from spinning vortex to solid ground. He has a pretty good size amount of water to deposit and takes a commanding lead. Gooner, on the other hand, gets off the chair and does a face plant into the sand, spilling all but a cup of water. Ay yi yi. You can’t help but feel bad for the guy.
And so for the next five minutes, we see a veritable mixture of headers in the sand and drunken-like wobbling. Chris does a pretty decent job, even when eating the sand. Gooner doesn’t fare so well. When the time is up, the Gilligan’s remove the stands from under their buckets and the weight of Chris’s bucket is too much for Gooner’s. Chris is the winner and is treated to hugs and kisses. Poor Gooner must go but not before slipping Rachel the tongue and his cell number in her thong. Two snaps and around the world, Gooner. Uh-huh.
And Then There Was One…
…team, that is. We now have the official seven stranded castaway’s here on Gilligan’s Island. No more Minnow Gold, no more Minnow green. From here on out, each of them will have to outwit, outplay and outlast the competition. <---Déjà vu anyone?
And just like the merge on that other show, the final seven are treated to a buffet of goodness and some more luxuries for their huts. All of the gang get new clothes, towels, pajama’s and pillow-top mattresses. Mrs. Stearn’s gets some slinky lingerie to keep her hubby’s eyes off the other more perky gals, but the Millionaire just wants to take the new mattress out for a test run. Such a randy couple aren’t they?
There’s a light drizzle beginning which is welcomed as it takes the edge off the sweltering heat. There’s nothing like a soft drizzle to warm the heart. The kind where you want to throw on the jammies, crack the window and finish reading your Rachel Hunter: The Unauthorized Biography. C’mon, you know you read it.
There is a feast on the table and the Skipper loves it. He is the only one who hadn’t been the beneficiary of previous rewards, so in one foul swoop, he unlocks his jaws and shovels three lobsters down his gullet. Host Scott shows up once again to remind everyone to take it easy tonight as the game officially changes the next morning. Ouch. That was a major buzzkill and the castaway’s suddenly go from having a blast to remembering any alliance’s secretly agreed upon.
As the line in the theme song goes, “the weather started getting rough” which was rapidly becoming true. As the palm trees bent like rubber bands and the wind knocked blew half eaten ears of corn off the table, the radio blurted out a sudden warning: HURRICANE! HURRICANE! EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY! The castaway’s and crew begin to run for cover and that is where the show ends, leaving us gripped in suspense and worried for their safety.
Will the show get cancelled due to inclement weather? Will the Professor have more than two minutes of air time? Will the Millionaire get the chance to try out his new mattress? All these questions revealed, and a guest star to appear, on next weeks episode. Ta-ta for now…..
Bummed that Gooner didn’t win? Write and tell me how you’re coping at: Speedbump@fansofrealitytv.com