I’ve sailed all over the South Pacific. Got my first tattoo on the island of Samoa with the help of eleven year old Schlitz and a three hundred pound tribesman whom I’ll call Bobby. I scraped my knee on the runway at Midway, ate grilled gecko on Palmyra and swam with the sharks after crossing the equator. Or rather, should I say, swam my ass off from the sharks. However, I’m beginning to think my travels are peanuts compared to the castaway’s adventures on the isle. I’ve never soaked in a hot tub with a supermodel, sipped martinis with a millionaire or even handled a farm girl’s coconuts. Sheesh my life sucks! But, I’m having a blast living vicariously through the lives of these castaway’s.
The Dirty Dozen
We’re now down to 12 and at the rate the castaway’s are being banished, we should have a winner by nightfall. Poor Skipper Bob never even made it to Voodoo Village and Professor Eric saw his dreams washed away at the helm of a bamboo Titanic. Bon voyage boys.
I have to admit I’m almost tempted not to talk about you-know-who. Yes, I’m referring to Donna Beavens: the Wicked Witch of Kentucky, Leatherface, ninety-nine percent mouth, one percent fake ta-ta’s. In my next life I’d like to come back as lockjaw, just to shut her up. And as not to be disappointed, we’re quickly joined with her amid one of her “I’m perfect” rants. Good ole Gilligan Gooner sums it nicely, “She’s like a case of hemorrhoids, you try to get rid of her and she just won’t go away.” A wise man of words (and the first full sentence I completely understood).
The gang is gathered around discussing the next competition between the two Mary Ann’s. Mary Ann Kate is trying to score a little hammock time with Gilligan Chris for some “strategizing” while the crew of Minnow Green decide to rally around Mary Ann Amanda and vow to avenge the loss of Professor Eric.
The cackling sound of the transistor radio comes alive with a message for the castaway’s. Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that the voice is one of a transvestite midget in go-go boots named Sal and the static noise is of two circus monkeys rubbing wax paper together? Or maybe it was the shot of Jager I took just to endure the ranting of vampish Donna? The mysteries never cease. Regardless, the voice tells the castaway’s to double time over to the palm trees for the competition between the two Mary Ann’s.
Don’t Be Bashful, Whack Those Nuts
Today’s competition is a race to make coconut crème pies from scratch and since it’s from scratch, they’ll need all the coconut milk they can muster. The object of the game is to fill 5 cups with coconut milk. The winner becomes the sole wearer of daisey dukes and pigtails a.k.a. the official Mary Ann, while the loser joins the rest of the rejects on the other side of the island. Both girls can choose two other teammates to knock the coconuts down while the girls crack the coconuts and fill the cups.
Mary Ann Kate chooses Gilligan Chris and Millionaire Stearns while May Ann Amanda chose Gilligan Gooner and the Skipper. Host Chris gives the go and the teams begin slugging it out. Mary Ann Amanda is praying for spiritual strength while Mary Ann Kate is just hoping to get a coconut cracked. The coconuts are falling and the girls are cracking. Donna is doing a sis-boom-bah cheer and it’s a festive time for all. Amanda is in the lead until Kate realizes that if she leaves the coconuts on top of the cup to drain she can go and retrieve more coconuts. It is a tight race. So tight in fact that when Kate wins, Amanda had only lost by a teaspoon. A freakin teaspoon!
It appears the Green team is destined to be sunk as this is two players in a row to get the heave-ho. Amanda’s final goodbye is one of tears and sadness. Amanda tells us she’ll miss Nicole and Donna the most as they are the true angels of the island. Donna?! Oh lordy, somebody get Amanda out of the sun. She’s either delusional or on the take.
The winning team retires to their huts to gorge on store bought coconut crème pie and a chest full of ice. What? No blender and margarita mix to go with that? Cheapskates.
Later that night, the Professor and Mary Ann trek to Voodoo Village and return with the box that holds which doll represents the next elimination. It’s going to be a battle between the Millionaire’s and their wives. This should be good. No, it should be grrrreat!
Florence Nightengale In A Bikini
Apparently rotten bananas and coconuts aren’t exactly a nutritious combination. Who knew? Obviously the castaway’s didn’t. Gilligan Gooner is a shivering and sweating skeleton. You could use his ribcage as a harp and his eyes are about one hour in the sun away from being a new snack called Gooner Raisins. Nicole Eggert is fairing no better. Nicole is having some nice one sided conversation with Donna and announces she’s about to spew chunks. Donna is so self absorbed in her conversation with herself that she doesn’t even notice Nicole hurling pea soup ala Exorcist until it spatters off the rocks and onto her Lee press-on nails.
Gooner is going to be a goner if he doesn’t get food in his stomach. Or, in his own words, “I’d eat a buffalo’s ass.” I’m not so sure that would be a tasty treat, but hey, it’s protein. I’m so touched to see Rachel hunter nursing Gooner. She’s crossing team lines in order to be a genuine heroine.
While we‘re on the topic of Rachel, let me see if I have this right: she’s hot, she’s rich, she has a sexy accent and she’s caring?! *sigh* No wonder I worship the ground she floats over. Her gentle, soft demeanor will be on my mind tonight as I finish writing in my Rachel Hunter journal, slipping out of my Rachel Hunter bedtime robe and into my Rachel Hunter satin sheets, donning my Rachel Hunter sleeping mask and setting my Rachel Hunter alarm clock. Even my cats have matching Rachel Hunter negligees. I think I might just take down my Nicole poster and replace it with my Rachel Hunter 7x7 ceiling montage. Yes, it’s Rachel Hunter month in the Speedbump house.
Rachel and Gooner set out to find more food and come up with some kiwi and a banana. How fitting that Donna practically knocks over the cast and camera crew for a bite of the banana. Our darling Rachel comes to the rescue and scolds Donna for not thinking of Nicole and Gooner first.
Na Na Na Nah, Hey Hey, Good-bye
The Millionaires have a taste for the finer things, but do they have the stomach to earn them? Let’s all gather around the picnic tables and find out. Everybody comfy? Sweet, let’s do this then.
The tables are adorned with tasty dishes and mouthwatering treats. It’s no Russian Tea Room, but damn near close. Tonight the Millionaires and rest of the cast will dine in delight. There is a various array of delicacies ranging from chicken feet and rectum which costs $50 to some kind of living, squirming mealworm for $100. I personally licked my chops when the boar testicles were presented, but then again I am a little nutty.
Each of the team members has to choose a dish and consume it within two minutes. If the plate is licked clean within that time, then the cost of the dish is added onto the tab of the Millionaire’s. The Millionaire’s themselves then have thirty minutes to eat as much of the food as they can. The couple with the highest tab wins the challenge. The losing couple *crosses fingers and hopes it’s the Beavens* will take the walk of shame.
The team members go first:
-both Gilligan’s choose bee larvae and finish their plate.
-Rachel eats the worms. Pass.
-Nicole selects the bee larvae. Fail.
- Skipper scarfs down the wild boar brains. Check.
-Professor slices up the wild boar heart. He thought it was very tasty but way to chewy. If only he had some dippy sauce to go with it. No dice.
-Mary Ann goes with the boar brains and slurps it down without any hesitation.
-The Green team is short a member and since the Gold team is ahead they will choose who on the Green team will eat twice. Naturally it’s Nicole as she was the one who couldn’t finish her first meal. Nicole plays it safe and goes with the $5 lobster tail. The second time is a charm and she gets it down her gullet.
It’s now time for the ultimate smack down to begin. There’s trash talking, finger pointing and nasty evil stares that only millionaires are capable of giving. The gloves are off, yet the rest of their clothes stay on. Mindy Stearn gets into it, clucking like a chicken and crowing like a rooster (which was pretty darn impressive, btw). Poor Donna was so repulsed by eating such despicable delights. As the minutes tick away, you can see the toll that has been taken on the couples. Gagging, heaving, a broken nail or two. When the bell sounds, or in this case, when Mindy crows, it is the Stearns who win the night. Their total tab of $575 crushes the bill of $355 rung up by the Beavens.
Both teams could hardly contain their excitement as the Beavens saunter off in the moonlight. And as my grand pappy would say, don’t let the door hit ya on the way out.
Hot Tubbing, Booze And Romance
It’s back to the huts and the winning team is welcomed with a fully stocked bar and a hot tub. Gilligan Chris does the solo high five in the air as he knows a little booze can loosen up any farm girl and fool them with his awe-shucks routine. Mary Ann is thinking the same thing. Great minds think alike. The inncoent looks, the oopsie-daisey grazing of the arm, the head tilt laughter (gets ‘em every time) and Mary Ann is on Chris like a tick on a deer. They both agree on an alliance and vow to help each other out when it comes to the final seven. Don’t jinx us Mary Ann, Gooner isn't leaving without putting up a fight.
The hot tubbing festivities commence and it’s a free for all to get a spot. No, not because there wasn’t enough room and whoever was last was left out, but rather because Rachel will be wearing her bikini and lets just say there won’t be any shrinkage tonight *wink wink*
Staggering back from Voodoo Village, the Millionaire and his Wife gather the gaggle of castaway’s for the ceremonial box opening and voodoo doll unveiling. Next up on the competition block will be the Ginger’s. I’m horrified at the idea that Rachel might be the one to leave. After all, I just got my montage up and there’s no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I’m getting back on that ladder. Oh-no.
As the night goes on, the alcohol flows and it becomes apparent to everyone that Gilligan Chris and Mary Ann are getting just a wee bit touchy. Chris gives the over emphasized yawn and arm stretch to signal Mary Ann that it’s time to rock the hammock. Mary Ann plays coy and reaffirms her good girl standing…before hopping under the covers with Chris. Across the sandy courtyard, the rest of the team are shot gunning beers, partaking in keg stands and sucking back jell-o shots. Oh wait, that was the party I went too. Oops.
So, it’s been a busy episode but a fun one nevertheless. We say goodbye to the silver-haired sea hag and celebrate the winning of Mary Ann Kate. A good time was had by all and many more good times are coming.
Join me next Tuesday and Wednesday as the remaining cast is whittled down to the final seven and watch as the game really begins.
Have a favorite recipe for wild boar testicles? Send it to me at: email@example.com