The Real Gilligan's Island: Premiere Recap 11/30 - "This Aint No Three Hour Tour"
I donít know about you, but Iíve been waiting on pins and needles for this show to start. How could a television classic be converted into a reality television show? Just ask Mike Fleiss-the golden god of Reality TV. Itís been thirty seven years since this gem aired itís final show. Although if you watch TVLand, itís only been aboutÖoh, 25 minutes or so. So letís not delay and get down to the tastiness of The Real Gilliganís Island.
Ahoy Mateys! Aarrrgh!
The show opens up with the standard ďthis is how we picked our cast routineĒ and we are sucker punched with morons, sexpots, wannabe millionaires and teachers with diplomas from the college of Cracker Jacks. All joined at the hip for one thing: to relive the days of yore on the Island.
Our host is Scott Lasky, who coincidentally looks and acts like another host we all know and love *coughJPcough*. Scott is almost as excited as I am to introduce the cast, and with a twinkle in the eye, a flex of the bicep and the clearing of the throat, itís time to meet the cast.
Gilligan Chris: a 20 something kid who once crashed a million dollar yacht into a two million dollar yacht, thus making a three million dollar catastrophe.
Skipper Bob: a harbor master for over 30 years
Mary Ann Kate: a dainty waif from Kansas who will do whatever it takes to win. Kateís mommy was a contestant on Survivor: Amazon. Hmmm. There were no strings pulled there, now were there?
Professor Pat: a field geologist who is used to hard work, roughing it and surviving the wild. The handle bar mustachioed senior was once Sean Conneryís nude body double. *ok I made that one up, but Iím sure he would jump at the chance*
The millionaire and his wife--Glenn and Mindy Stearns: worth over $500 million and owners of 26 companies, this couple knows how to get what they want-except for a decent haircut.
Ginger--Rachel Hunter: Need I say more? Oh, ok then. She arrived without her knickers.
Gilligan "Gooner": a simple minded, clumsy first mate. If you can understand half of what heís saying, please send me whatever you are smoking.
Skipper Jim: a former Squid and current fishing boat captain, this rugged dog is as salty as they come.
Mary Ann Amanda: a fellow Kansian <---I made that up, this giggly coed has won awards for everything you and I burnt in Home-Ec.
Professor Eric: a professor who teaches the sociology of everything under the sun. An outed gay, he predicts at least a few homophobes on the island. Perhaps he has a degree in fortune telling as well? See below.
The millionaire and his wife--Bill and Donna Beavens: worth under $3 million, this couple loves living upscale and lavish. Donna has an admitted dislike for Democrats and gays. Later sheíll peel off her face and reveal she is actually Ann Coulter.
Ginger--Nicole Eggert: again, need I say anymore? This former Baywatch babeís poster still adorns my ceiling-mostly because Iím too lazy to take it down.
Minnow Gold are the first to arrive to the island. They all seem so timid and unsure of what to expect. Greeted by Chris, they are surprised to find out that they are not the only ones who will share the island. Up walks Minnow Green and the two casts are quickly eyeing each other down. Was I the only one who saw the daggers Rachel Hunter shot through her eyes to Nicole Eggert? This islandís only big enough for one C-list celebrity and Rachelís ready to throw down at the ding of the first coconut.
The two teams learn that they will be sharing quarters based on their character, which is followed by various versions of the obligatory eye roll. Their beds consist of a plank of wood and a straw mat. The Skipperís and Gilliganís make out like bandits. They have hammocks and pillows. Those bastards.
Itís dusk. The campfire is burning brightly. Itís time to up one another. Professor Eric steps up to the embers and begins rattling off his impressive resume. He has a Masterís in this, a Masterís in that. Iím sure heís even the master of his domain, but Wife Mindy had to get her life story in before Eric could elaborate. Seems Mindyís hubby was a bit of a, shall we say, gigolo in middle school. He fathered his daughter at the ripe ole age of 14. Now thatís what I call a go-getter. Mindy loves playing step-mommy and insists her stepdaughter calls her Mommie Dearest. Huh? Did she just say what I thought she said? ďNo wire hangers-ever!Ē
Itís quite clear this island isnít big enough for all the egoís and it isnít long before Wife Donna and Professor Eric face off in a battle of social issues. The tension is high and the Gingerís both concur at the cattiness of Donna and the others. Maybe there wonít be any cat fighting between the two after all? Damn.
From The Shower To The Ocean
Itís been a restless night as the Minnow-ites wake up and scratch their asses unaware of the cameramen. Everyone is sore and grumpy except for Gilligan Gooner, who has volunteered to pedal the bicycle powered shower for Rachel Hunter. Oh sheís such a tease. Sheís had some practice Iíd suspect. Gooner is pedaling his little heart out. You could see the smoke pouring out from the back of the bike as Rachel seductively lathered her ample yabbos and gazed her come hither looks. Gooner was about a second away from turning into a pile of slobbering goo. Meanwhile, Iím thinking this could be the new exercise craze at the local gym.
The radio on the table comes alive and through static-y noise, the voice tells the teams to take to the beach for their first reward competition. Chris meets the teams and explains the first competition will be to swim out to a bonfire atop of a float, tow the bonfire back to the beach, light their torch and then run to their campfire and light it. The first team to correctly complete it all wins a reward.
Itís neck and neck out of the water and Minnow Gold seems to take a slight advantage after lighting their torch. All of a sudden Skipper Bob falls to the ground. He gets up, and a few paces more heís fallen again. Hard. Bobís not getting up this time and it becomes quite clear that thereís something wrong with Bob other than a simple sprained ankle. Itís rather sad. The whole team forgot about winning and were much worried for Bob. Bob wonít be with us any more and he is whisked away for medical treatment. Bob, we hardly knew ya.
The reward for the Minnow Green were mattresses, pillows, towels and for Professor Eric, a stuffed animal and a picture of his hubby.
Insert Gratuitous Eye Candy Here
Itís downtime and that can only mean one thing: space filler of scantily clad beauties doing things weíve only dreamt of in high school. The Beavens decide to conserve water and shower together. Iím not sure how they managed to squeeze in there together as the makeshift shower stall is quite cramped. Nonetheless, they make do and enjoy their exhibitionism to the eyes of those who can stand watching it. Ewwww.
Wanting to continue their luxurious lifestyle, Bill Beavens feels the need to have a massage after a taxing day at the beach. He offers Mary Ann Kate $20 to massage him for an hour. Oblivious to how much todayís massage therapists make, Kate jumps at the idea of making twenty whole dollars and straddles Mr. Beavens just like she saw Billy the Bull do back at her farm. Kate, not wanting to disappoint Mr. Beavens with her massage, really gets into it. Rubbing those sore muscles away, kneading and poking, twisting and writhing. Sorry, where was I again?
Something, Something, D-O-O. Voodoo Village
The radio comes alive again and this time it tells the whole cast to head to Voodoo Village. It is here the cast will learn who the first set of characters will have to battle each other in order to avoid banishment to the other side of the island. On a wooden pedestal setís a box. Inside the box contains a voodoo doll with the name of who will be competing for immunity. Tonight itís the Professorís who learn theyíll be duking it out. They will dual at dawn. One will stay, one will not. Mu-hahahahaha.
Back around the campfire, the Green Minnow team decide itís time to liven things up a bit. What better way than to put on a drag queen show. By random luck, itís Professor Eric who is the chosen one. While sifting through the clothes of the millionaire wiveís, the group come across Wife Donnaís pink faux-boa. Sheís a little peeved at the thought of them using it and orders the Skipper into the hut to retrieve it. Ginger/ Rachel is not about to have that and confronts Donna on her schoolgirl cattiness and prima donna attitude. Itís quite amusing actually as these two go at it like a cobra and mongoose. Iím beginning to like Rachel more and more as she seems to ďget itĒ and has been a tough cookie so far. Eric makes his grand entrance and might I add he knows how to work it. You go girl!
Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Gently Up the Current
Itís dawn. The game faces are on. Itís time to kick some ass. The teams assemble at the beach for the competition. Today the Professorís will go mano-e-mano for the title of sole Professor. For the other, itís a trip to the other side of the island, where Iím sure heíll be greeted with burgers, hotdogs and martinis.
For the challenge, the teams will have to build a raft using the supplies already supplied for them. Some rope, a couple of inner tubes, bamboo, paddles and a Lowes toolbox. Yes, a Lowes toolbox. You didnít think there wouldnít be any product placement, did you? Silly fool.
When completed, each Professor will choose one other teammate to row out to a floating flag pole and bring the flag back, plant it in a post in Iwo Jima like fashion. Professor Eric chooses Mr. Beavens while Professor Pat chose Gilligan Chris.
The race starts. I wish I could describe a dramatic race, but frankly, it was a blowout. Professor Pat and Gilligan Chris win by a nautical mile. It wasnít even close, and Professor Eric sidesteps his defeat by placing blame on the craftsmanship of the vessel. Donna all but jumps out of her clothes when Eric loses, even though theyíre on the same team. Thereís no love lost and I find myself secretly wishing for a rogue wave to wash her away to Davey Joneís Locker. Alas, it wonít come to fruition but thereís still a billion more episodes left, so it could happen. Couldnít it?
For reward of keeping their Professor and winning the competition, team Minnow Gold receives a tackle box full of fishing gear and a red snapper on ice. Itís a fine day to be gold as the team celebrates and cook their already caught fish.
Team Minnow Green is reduced to tears and have to make do with coconuts and spare rations the Skipper brought. Iím almost sad until I see the leather face of Donna and in an instant my frown is turned upside down.
Weíre Not In Kansas AnymoreÖWell, At Least One Us Still Wonít be
The night ends with another trip to Voodoo Village. This time the Skipper and Professor head down the trail to retrieve the wooden box and bring it back to the huts. Back at the huts, the gang assembles for the unveiling and *dun dun dunnnnn*, the next competition will be between the two Mary Annís. I was kind of hoping the two farm gals would be sticking around longer before one of them gets the boot, but my wishful thinking is shattered. Iím crushed. Iím devastated. Iím once again back on the edge of my seat waiting for tomorrowís new episode.
Join me again for the next episode. I hear there will be mud wrestling, beer funnels and bitch slapping. Hey, this show isnít too bad after all.
Who would you like to be stranded on a desert island with? Email me and tell me who at: email@example.com