Episode 6/29-Finale:"It's On Like A Quarter Million Dollar Chicken Bone/ Part Deux"
Welcome back! *tips hat to the six of you who will read this* Just as we waited with breathless anticipation for the release of Gigli, thus we are again waiting on pins and needles for tonight’s riveting and emotional finale. Who will win? Who will be banished to the other side of the island? How many times will Lowe’s pimp their all-purpose toolbox? Let’s get the chainsaw out and start cutting away at this masterpiece of reality television…
Digging For A Nugget Of Fun
Opening up with a shower scene seems to be the order of the week…every freakin single week. Only this time the ladies at home are treated to a smidgen of boy-candy. Apparently Shawn felt neglected at the lack of no-shirtness camera time he had been getting, so he decides to shave the one- maybe two- hairs off his chest. Shawn credits Mark Spitz at the ’84 Olympics (yes, you read the date correctly) for inspiring him to pluck his chest. Wow, that oughta shave seconds off his 100m freestyle, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict it won’t do anything to cure the big case of dumbass he’s being treated for.
Speaking of the Olympics, after I write this recap, I’m going to settle on my recliner and re-watch Carl Lewis dominating the track and field competition at the ’72 Munich Olympics. *shhh, I don’t want Shawn to feel so alone at the bottom*
It’s yet again another radio announcement and the voice (who I finally just realized was Host Scott’s) tells the castaways to head down to the beach for some eatin and diggin. Scott tells them they will be playing for two rewards, but it will come with a twist.
In front of each castaway are covered plates. When the covers are lifted, it produces a series of ooh’s and ahh’s. The Skipper has a grande platter of nachos; Randi has steak and potato; the Professor- eye of newt, Gilligan Shawn- scrotum of a three toed sloth and Erika has chiseled pecs ala speedbump.
The second reward will be playing for videos from home. You’ve got to be kidding me! They’ve been on that island for what, 4-5 days? Suck it up Sally’s. I once got stranded on the D.C. beltway for a week and all I got when I returned home was a “you forgot to get milk!”
Anyways, the object of the game is to scavenge gold nuggets off the beach. The castaway’s have the choice of putting the nuggets into their own personal treasure box- which would entitle them to eat the food they were shown, or they could opt to join together and place as many nuggets as they could into a big box which was placed on a scale. If nugget filled box was heavier than the videotapes from home, then everyone would get to see a video.
Scott gave the whistle and Erika, Shawn and Tiy-E went straight to work on getting nuggets for the videotapes. Randi and Skipper Charlie decided that food would be much better. For Charlie, nobody knew he was even doing this gig so it was pointless for him to try and win a video message. For Randi it was the fact that she was selfish.
When the whistle blows again, Skipper Charlie comes out on top in the battle for food. The remaining three put their nuggets on the scale and it beats out the videotapes easily. Me thinks there were never any videos in that box to begin with. That scale tipped faster than Tiy-E volunteering to wax Gilligan Shawn’s bikini line.
Back at the huts, Skipper Charlie slowly eats his nachos while the rest of the crew drool and mutter expletives. Later in the night, all of the castaway’s are treated to videos from home. Even Charlie got a video message from his friends.
The Blue Lagoon…Minus Brooke Shields
How many ways can I say that the radio is making an announcement? Not too many, obviously and frankly at this point in the series finale I’m not trying. So yeah, the radio “comes alive” *makes quotes gesture and it will be a safety challenge.
It’s back to the lagoon where Professor Tiy-E will once again face his fear of swimming. Unlike last time, Tiy-E sucks it up and wears a life preserver. Today’s challenge is a musical chairs type game. Anchored underwater in the lagoon are different objects. Each round they will have to jump in and retrieve said item, except there will always be one less item than castaway.
The castaway’s have to retrieve the following, with one member being cut each time.
- First item is a pineapple, Professor Tiy-E is out
- Second item is a raft, Gilligan out
- Third item was a Tikki, Erika out
- Fourth item was the S.S. Minnow and the Skipper wins, Mary Ann out
tribal council Voodoo Village does not last for hours. Heck, even Erika commented that it only last for five minutes. My guess is that the producers and cameramen are jonesing to get back to the other side of the island and party with Miss Melissa and Mary Ann Mandy.
It’s pretty apparent who is going home except to Randi. As the final Randi voodoo doll was shown, she broke down into tears. Wow, finally some emotion is shown. Too late, honey. After days of feeling trapped morons, suddenly Randi hopes she can meet up with everyone again soon. Yeah, don’t let the gates hit you in the bum on the way out.
The Breakup of Dr. Love and His Bitch
Back at camp, Shawn does a little jig and clicks his heels. He apparently thinks very highly of himself as he rates Randi and the other ladies on the island. He gives Randi a six on appearance and a zero on personality. He then goes on to give Angie and nine and a half and Erika an eight. Erika hears this and nods her head as if to say that an eight is good. You have to give this guy some credit. Anyone who can rate a movie star in front of a movie star and actually think they are credible gets some props.
Guess what? Yep, the radio is transmitting again. Upon closer inspection of the dials, it looks more like the speedometer of a ’52 Chevy than that of a radio. The dial is set 55mph and I’m begging for an increase in speed. Let’s get this show over with already.
It’s the final safety challenge and the winner is automatically in the final three. Today’s challenge is a balancing act down at the beach. There are several pilings (posts) that have to be traversed using a plank. The castaway’s will have to balance on the post for five minutes, and then will have ninety seconds to use a plank to cross to the next post. What happens if two members make it to the last post? It’ll be a battle of balance and stamina says Scott.
Oh don’t worry. There won’t be any eleven-hour standoffs. Oh no, it won’t even get to the third post. They all make it to the second post and Erika and Tit-E fail to make it to the third post. Gilligan and Skipper make it onto the third post and when Scott tells them to move to the fourth post, the Skipper loses balance and falls into the ocean. Gilligan Shawn wins the safety ring and does the entire guy high five and hand slaps that come with winning in front of a girl.
At Voodoo Village that night, it is not your typical vote. It had appeared that Gilligan would vote for Tiy-E, thus making it a slam dunk that Tiy-E would be leaving. However, guilt and the thoughts of all those lonely nights on the island with him, snuggling and holding each other, sunk in and Gilligan voted for Skipper Charlie. That made it a 2-2 tie. Scott informs us that previous votes will be taken into consideration and therefore Professor Tiy-E had received three previous Voodoo Village votes and he was banished to the other side of the island.
Don’t Blink Or You’ll Miss The End
Alas the final day and final challenge is here. And as I sit here, fingers rubbed raw from typing and retyping, praying to the God’s of Reality Television to bless me with one- just one- more snarky comment, I realize that I have milked this show for every last drop of fun I could.
As the radio transmits its last sound, the castaway’s meet at the fire pit to await Scott and the instructions for the final charge to 250 thousand dollars. Who will win? *coughSkippercough* The suspense is killing me…literally.
Each person will get a map. The map will direct them to a hut. Inside the hut they have to search for a hidden shovel. From the hut, they must take the shovel and proceed to Voodoo Village where they will find a marker representing each person. Then they will have to dig under that marker and dig for a Lowe’s toolbox and take it to the beach. Once at the beach, they will use the items inside the Lowe’s toolbox to start a fire. Once a fire is started they will light a torch and swim out to the rescue platform. Whoever gets there first will be rescued.
Gilligan Shawn gets an early lead and knows he has to get to Voodoo Village ahead of the other two in order to have a chance. Erika gets confused and goes to several different huts to look for her shovel. Charlie finds his shovel and makes like a cheetah and runs to Voodoo Village.
Once Charlie got to Voodoo Village, the other two didn’t even stand a chance. One thing that Charlie has over Gilligan is a set of balls and a drive to succeed. Charlie makes it to the platform before Erika even had her Lowe’s toolbox out of the dirt.
And just like that, the show ends. No reunion, no fanfare. No follow up or chance to catch our breath from all the excitement. Not even a cut to the credits and a chance to hear the theme song one last time. Thanks TBS…you sure do know how to throw a party.
Seeking therapy after watching all eight hours of this show? Email me recovery tips at: firstname.lastname@example.org