What do you get when you combine obscure comedy, raw camerawork and a sense of independent focus? Well, yes…Monty Python would seem to be the ideal answer. However, when I add cheesy challenges, poor casting and sufferable two hour episodes to the aforementioned, I think you can narrow it down. *wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean* Yes folks, this show goes much deeper than a flesh wound. But it is I, your brave knight who says
"ni"“Press forward, oh ye of little faith. I must bring thou the tale of ye old seven stranded castaway’s…”
We open up with some gratuitous showering being done. I’m a bit miffed as last season the castaway’s went buck nekkid and this season we’re treated to nary a “oops”. Mary Ann Randi is lathering up ala Herbal Essence while Gilligan Shawn and Tiy-E are egging her on. I admit I wasn’t very fond of Randi the first nine hundred hours of this series, but now I can see why she is a royal beyotch. I probably would get a little tired of third grade potty humor too, especially when it’s being provided by the two biggest losers on the island.
The Professor, Millionaire and Gilligan are having a little strategy session and I realize there is a chink in their powerful armor by the fact of how they determine who stays and who goes. Erika apparently will be staying due to her eye candy appeal. I’m not one to argue that rationale, but with 250K on the line, I’ll take a sea hag any day of the week if it means I’m staying longer.
The lassies are scheming themselves. Erika makes a good point about the ladies sticking together to balance out the power of the three men. Looks like the Millionaire might get his ménage-a-trios after all. And the Skipper? He’s napping on the hammock. ‘Nuff said about that.
A Million Bottles of Mad Dog On the Beach, A million Bottles of…
The radio once again roars to life calling all castaway’s to the picnic table. Of course there is the staged static and dialing noise which prompts Erika to slap the radio to make it stop. The radio voice answers back in a “Ow!” and I’m left rolling on my floor. Now that was pure comedy. Why do I imagine some intern working for minimum wage, standing just out of sight of the castaway’s, reading from a script and watching them at the same time? Somebody give him a raise because that was the funniest bit of the whole show.
It’s time for the reward competition and the castaway’s head down to the beach to join Scott. There are over 250 bottles scattered on the beach and floating in the water. All of the bottles have paper inside but only one contains a written message. Whoever finds the *cue Sting music* message in a bottle wins a delicious reward.
After much scrambling and Gilligan telling us that he wasn’t even unrolling the paper to see if there was a message, Miss Melissa wins the reward. She can take one person with her and she chooses Gilligan to join her.
I would assume that they are going to be treated to a feast. Steak tar-tar? Seared Ahi tuna with sesame vegetables? Childs play. No, there getting pizza…microwavable at that! Gilligan thinks that Miss Melissa wants to do the “hibbity-dibbity” with him and is sympathetic to him having diabetes. Now I will give some credit to Shawn for playing the game while having diabetes and having to make sure he takes his injections throughout the day. But that’s about all the sympathy you’re getting from me, kiddo.
While the two are enjoying their feast, the Skipper, Melissa and Erika are scheming to get rid of Millionaire Bounce. It seems that Bounce is all over the huts planning to take each castaway to the finals with him. I’m assuming that by him being a millionaire, he hasn’t had time to watch Survivor or he would have known that he just sealed his fate.
Bounce bounces into Randi’s hut while she’s getting ready for bed. How convenient I might add. She’s scantily clad in a little pink nightie number and her pleasure zones are in full view. Wait a minute. On second thought, good job Bounce. Bounce tells her that the only way she has a chance to win is to stick with him. He tells her she is a target and he can help keep her around. Randi nods along and the foreshadowing is all too strong.
Be A Man About It…Or Be Like Professor Tiy-E
There’s no waste in getting to the next challenge and the castaway’s are told to head back to the lagoon- the very same lagoon where Tiy-E made like a rock and sank to the bottom. Will the nightmares come back? Was it all just a plan to make the other’s think he really couldn’t swim? Is Tiy-E really Mark Spitz in disguise? Does anyone really care? What…you think this is a Choose Your Own Adventure book?
It’s a safe bet that the Professor will scam out of it. And that he does when Scott gives him the choice of wearing a life jacket or sitting out. Or as the Professor proclaims, “I’ve never swung from a rope into the water before so I’ll sit this one out.” Yo, Tiy! I never graduated from Journalism school but that doesn’t stop me from making an ass out of myself.
The competition is a water obstacle course. Castaway’s will swing from a rope and swim to a raft From the raft they will paddle a make shift canoe to a rope ladder, climb the ladder to a rope bridge and finish back where they started. Sounds easy enough…
Gilligan is the first one to go and given all the trash talk he’s been spewing, you’d think he was tear it up. He finishes with a time of 1:16. He feels good and as long as the Skipper doesn’t win, he’s happy with his time.
Randi follows with a time of 1:14 which irks Gilligan.
The Skipper cranks out a time of 1:02 and takes the lead. Skipper Charlie knew he had to put in the best time as he knows he has the biggest target on his back of all.
The Millionaire, Ginger and Miss Melissa all finish with times greater than Skipper Charlie and that means that Charlie wins the “life ring” which is the immunity idol to you and I.
It’s A Bouncing Baby Banishment
Later that night the castaway’s make the trip to Voodoo Village. The Skipper is feeling relaxed since he has the life ring. Randi is a ball of bouncing nerves since she is the swing vote. Should we see who leaves?
The way the voting works is each castaway will take a voodoo doll that resembles each contestant and place it into a box. Sounds easy enough.
Gilligan, Millionaire Bounce and Tiy-E all vote for Miss Melissa. I have to admit that came as a surprise. For all the bitching they have done over Randi, you would’ve thought eye candy would take a backseat.
The Skipper, Ginger and Mills Melissa all vote for Millionaire Bounce which leaves Randi. Randi voted for…*drum roll please*…Millionaire Bounce. Well, she drew her line in the sand and it wasn’t with whom Gilligan and Tiy-E thought it would be for.
As Bounce is banished from the island he is greeted by his wife, Donna. She jumps into his arms like a sex starved nymph from another planet. No “Hi honey, I’m so glad to see you” or “I’m so proud of you”, but rather “I’m so horny, lets do it in the bushes.” As we go to commercial I quickly email TBS to see if that will be included in the bonus scenes of the DVD. I’ll let you know if they write back.
Back at the huts, Gilligan Shawn begins to go on a tirade towards Randi and her lack of promise. He hopes she goes back to Hooters for three bucks an hour. Aaand that’s a bad thing how? Among the other demeaning phrases he lays into her on are: she’s boring, she’s not nice and if she wins she should take the money to fix that nose. Ouch…I don’t care who you are, when you start ragging on somebody’s nose the gloves are coming off.
Rikki, Tikki, Savvy
The next morning Gilligan Shawn realizes he made a big mistake. He says he went from being the most liked person on the island to being the most hated. I’m not sure where he got being the most liked came from, unless you count the fawning from Tiy-E. He pedals the makeshift shower for Melissa and Erika and tosses out some catty suck-up lines.
There’s another reward competition and it’s back to the beach again. After the radio announcement finishes, Shawn gives an apology to Randi for the things he said and then secretly in confessional says he hopes she bought it hook, line and sinker. That sneaky bastard.
Today’s reward challenge involves building Tikki statues. The catch is that the castaway’s will divide up into two teams of three. On each team, two will be attached by the wrist and the third will be attached to one other at the ankle. Did I confuse you? No worries. The important thing to know is that they’re bound together. There are four parts to the Tikki and they are spread out. Two are in the ocean, one is buried and the other is already on the post that they have to slide the other Tikki parts onto. The two teams are:
- Skipper Charlie, Erika and Gilligan
- Miss Melissa, Tiy-E and Randi
Scott blows the whistle and the teams are off. Skipper Charlie tells his team that they should go for the hardest part first so Randi’s team takes an early lead. It’s not really an exciting competition to watch, so forgive my lack of action adjectives. Skipper Charlie’s team rallies back and is the first to get their Tikki statue put together properly. The team wins $3,000 as a reward.
Knock ‘Em Down, Vote ‘Em Out
There’s more lounging around the next day. This ensures we get to see plenty of filler. The Professor and Gilligan discuss how to give proper eye contact and then really get to know each other by shaving each other’s neck. Why do I get the sneaking feeling that all their machismo is really hiding something else? Shawn also has taken to peeing in his hut. I’d probably do that too. It’s like living in one giant litter box. Why walk thirty feet to pee in the sand when you can walk two feet to do the same thing?
There’s another safety competition which means A) another cheesy competition B) someone is getting banished and my favorite C) tonight’s episode is almost over.
According to the radio the castaway’s will be “feeling the full weight of competition.” When they show up to the beach, the see a swing set looking thingy, a wheelbarrow and some more Tikki statues but this time each one resembles a different castaway.
The object this time is to swing across a moat and knock an opposing player’s Tikki over. The catch is that the swing over the moat is not counterbalanced and that is where the wheelbarrow comes in to play. They will have to fill up their wheelbarrow with coconuts and then dump them into a counterweight in order for them to swing across. If they don’t have enough weight they will fall into the moat. Sounds easy enough.
The order of knocking goes:
- Gilligan knocks over Miss Melissa
- Melissa knocks over Professor Tiy-E
- Skipper Charlie knocks over Gilligan
- Ginger knocks over Randi
- Tiy-E knocks over Skipper
That leaves Ginger Erika’s Tikki the last one standing and she wins the life ring and is safe from banishment. I’m thinking Erika might have some staying power in this game. She’s still a little more under the radar than some other’s which is good.
On the way to Voodoo Village we see clips of the castaway’s discussing who they want to go. To us, the consensus seems to be either Gilligan or Tiy-E with a pinch of Miss Melissa thrown in. Erika seems to think that Melissa is pulling a “Bounce” and talking strategy with everyone. That doesn’t sit well with her.
At Voodoo Village the castaway’s vote. Now, wouldn’t it make sense to have them talk for a little bit? Maybe create some tension? Nope, TBS does it their way which is to immediately go right into voting thus making any suspense I can put in this recap null and void. Anyways, lets get on with the voting…
We don’t see who Erika votes for, making her the crucial vote. The Skipper and Miss Melissa vote for Professor Tiy-E while Gilligan and Tiy-E vote for Miss Melissa. Randi votes for Miss Melissa making the votes: Melissa-3 and Tiy-E- 2. The final doll is produced and it’s Miss Melissa which makes the Skipper pissed as hell. It did surprise me that Randi voted the way she did but I wasn’t surprised that Erika went for Melissa.
Melissa dumps her doll into the fire pit and leaves for the other side of the island. Like Millionaire Bounce, Melissa is greeted by her lover Millionaire Schur. Unlike the other millionaire couple, they do not proceed directly to the nearest bush and shag like bunny rabbits.
And thus, next week the season finale is thrust upon us like a pot of hot coffee to the face. Be sure to stay tuned, stay awake and stay groovy as we navigate the finale of The Real Gilligan’s Island.
P.S. My money’s on Mary Ann Randi. How about you?
What would you do with $3,000 in cash? Email me at: email@example.com