Her name was Angie; she was a model. With hints of auburn in her hair and a dress cut down to there, she would giggle. And shake her yabbos. And while she tried to be a star, she ended up in the ER. And that leaves us with one hell of a boring cast! At the Island, Island of Gilligan….
Ooops, sorry about that. I thought I was in the shower for a sec.
Ah yes, the scream heard round the world faded as a new and rousing episode of The Real Gilligan’s Island flickered to life on my television screen. In honor of the timeless 60’s classic, I packed away the 37-inch screen and eight-speaker surround system and instead dusted off my grandpa’s black and white Philco with bunny ears and three channels on the dial. What…there’s no freakin remote?!
We were left on the edge of our seats wondering which millionaire wife would be banished to the other side of the island. I don’t know about you, but I tossed and turned all week. Yeah sure, every single commercial we saw gave away the surprise but my mattress is lumpy and my cat was in heat.
Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch...Translation: feast your eyes on a millionaire wife eating boar’s nuts against the clock
It’s just your average typical day stranded on an island, really. Half naked girls running slo-mo on a sandy beach, the skipper giving love lessons and a wife of a millionaire turning a coconut into a virtual hubby aka porno-nut. Like I said, nothing too out of the unusual. Just enough to keep us interested.
Amidst the frolicking and splashing, the radio cackles and informs the castaway’s to head to the rocky beach. Unfortunately, it’s not for cliff diving. It’s time to eat.
Each team will have two minutes to eat as much as they can. Then, the wives will square off and eat alone for one more minute. The team with the most empty plates, wins. So…what’s on the menu for today?
- Blood Sausage
- Sun Dried Minnows
- Egg Salad: Quail eggs, ants and mosquitoes
- Boiled Wild Boar Brain
- Beetles and Crickets
- Deep Fried Mice
- Poached Lizard
- Black Worms
- Live White Worms
And our favorite: Steamed Wild Boar Testicles. If you have the means, I highly recommend it. It’s so choice.
Ginger Erika will be sitting this one out. Apparently freeing the frogs in E.T. has left her traumatized of eating anything with legs.
Host Scott gives the go and it’s a blur of flailing arms, legs, nostrils and elbows. Gilligan Zac is schooling Gilligan Shawn as he shovels plate after plate of wiggly worms and minnows in his mouth. Shawn just sits there, eating his blood sausage, wiping the corners of his mouth like a dainty waif and smirking. He doesn’t want Millionaire Wife Donna to win because her and the hubby would have a better chance of winning.
Everyone is making the “eww” face and of course, Mary Ann Randi is bitching and moaning. Professor Eric hurls chunks all over Skipper Charlie and Charlie returns the favor by spewing gobs of poached lizard from the three-point line into a bamboo trashcan. Nothing but net, baby!
It’s a thrilling spectacle, I tell ya. Miss Melissa is struggling on a giant set of boar’s testicles. They’re a handful as she pops them in her mouth. Wife Donna is too busy gurgling on quail eggs when the whistle blows. As the plates are counted up, it is Minnow Green that wins with 14 plates cleaned to Minnow Orange’s 13. This definitely makes it interesting for bedtime in the Millionaire’s hut.
Back at the huts, the winning team celebrates with a “Millionaire’s Night Out” which consists of champagne, manicures and facials. Ginger Erika decides it would be best if she does not participate, as she feels guilty for bowing out of the eating challenge. I almost fell for the tearful act. I quickly snapped out of it when I heard the sirens of the waaahmbulance.
The Skipper is treated to a facial from Mary Ann Mandy and Miss Melissa. He loves it and says he’ll keep getting them when he gets rescued. See, this is why I so long to be on a reality show. Here’s a guy with a jiggling belly of jelly and he has babes rubbing him down. Do you honestly think this is going to happen in the real world? That’s like me saying I can score a date with Rachel Hunter because I memorized every one of her speaking lines from the first season. Oops, did I say too much?
The Love Doctor and His Flying Coconuts
Miss Melissa and Millionaire Bounce head to Voodoo village to retrieve the mystery box and the doll inside. Tomorrow, the Professor’s will be duking it out. Or rather, catapulting it out.
The gang meets at the beach where Scott explains the concept of this competition. Each team will have to construct a catapult and fling coconuts into the ocean. In the ocean awaits a submarine. The first direct hit on the sub from one team wins. So of course we’re expecting Professor Eric to win since he is the actual professor. However, the spoilers at the commercial break tell us different.
And thus it is no use in going into detail about how the catapult was erected. Or how Mary Ann Randi is a complete waste of space. Or how Gilligan Zac secretly hopes Professor Eric is banished so he can put the moves on Mary Ann Mandy. In the end, Professor Tiy-E wins by sheer luck. Perfect. Just what we need…one more week of “The Love Doctor”.
The winning team is treated to all the comforts of a hotel room. Straw mats are replaced with foot high mattresses; palm fronds are discarded in favor of 900 thread count sheets. Professor Tiy-E loves the luxury until he wakes up the next morning with ants running all through his hair. Seems the fresh scent of the linens attracted all of the insects on the island. In my best Simpsons imitation, I’m sending a big hee-hee his way.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
Apparently TBS is in a hurry to get this show over with. Either that or the cast was so dull there was no good filler to show. I’ll go with a mix of the two. Then there is option number three: TBS has planned the all-inclusive Michael Caine movie month for July. Sweet! I can’t wait to watch Blame It On Rio for the hundredth time.
Regardless, we’re forced to choke down competition number three (of four) in this two-hour installment. Someone must’ve skipped chapter 8 in the How To Develop Reality TV Shows as on the first page of said chapter, it clearly states and I quote: “When showing a show so full of cheese, a one hour time limit is imposed as to not reduce the viewer to a pile of drooling mush.” Oopsie-daisy. Somebody’s losing a job over that one.
The radio calls for the castaway’s to head to the beach (Side note: it’s always the beach or lagoon. Just once I’d like to see them head for the lava pit or den of rabid dingo’s).
The Mary Ann’s will be squaring off. I’m sure many-a-man is fantasizing about what kind of sexploitation contest the two corn fed gals will be doing. Nope. They’re washing clothes. Great.
It’s a race to do laundry and each Mary Ann can choose two other teammates to help her out. Mary Ann Randi chooses Gilligan Shawn and Tiy-E while Mandy choose Zac and Skipper Charlie.
Everyone of the castaway’s have to strip down to their birthday suits and each Mary Ann will wash the clothes. The helpers will put the clothes on a pulley and send them over to her. The girls will then squeeze out the water into a washbasin until the water rises to a preset mark.
The castaway’s strip and…eeeegads! Let’s just say that father time hasn’t been generous to Ginger Erika. Too much running on the beach has caused them bad boys to drag like a Neanderthal. I saw her whisper to the Millionaire and he was kind enough to loan her his suspenders.
The game kicks off and the clothes are being dunked into the water. Mary Ann Randi realizes that only Gilligan and Skipper’s shirt hold the most water. Of course most of us were rooting for Mandy, which by rule of law means that Randi will win. And of course, Shawn and Tiy-E help Randi win. It’s plays in their favorite to have a sassy beyotch in the finals with them.
Poor Gilligan Zac is depressed. Heck, I’m depressed. Oh Mandy…you came and you gave without taking. Oh Mandy, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking. *sigh- tear flows down cheek*
The reward is a laundry gizmo that harkens back to old days. Somehow Professor Love convinces Randi to do all their laundry since he and Shawn helped her win. Now that’s a Jedi mind trick I’d love to learn.
The Passion Of The Zac
Well, five banishments down, Erika got a free pass after she hired the hit man on Angie and that leaves the showdown between Shawn and Zac. It’s gonna be physical and grueling according to Skipper Charlie. Nah…Shawn will figure a way out and cheat his ass off. With Tiy-E in his corner, anything is possible.
The castaway’s gather at a man made wading pool the size of a large hot tub at the beach for a one on one fishing challenge. Scott gives the rules: the Gilligan’s will have to fish for five minutes using only their bare hands.
The competition begins and during side confessionals Zac is pretty pumped, as he is the better fisherman. Shawn on the other hand knows he can’t win. We’re teased with a bunch of “Damn, he slipped right out of my hands” moments until five minutes is up and both have caught zero.
Scott hands both Gilligan’s a net and tells them they have five minutes to catch as many fish as they can. Shawn catches one. Zac catches zero. Now, I just don’t understand how between the two of them, they only caught one freaking fish! Oh wait, that’s right…Shawn caught his by a stroke of luck as he was sabotaging Zac’s chances.
Shawn knew he couldn’t catch as many as Zac so he would follow Zac around and as Zac would get ready to catch a fish, Shawn would splash the water and send the fish scurrying. Dirty tactics? Perhaps. Did it work? Most definitely. Sadly, but not surprising, it’s the weasel who wins the day.
Zac is visibly upset. His voice is shaking like the girl in The Blair Witch Project, which kinda creeps me out. He’s not sad at the fact that he has to sell cookies to buy his mother a new set of lungs but rather at the lack of chance to bag the other Mary Ann and Miss Melissa in his hammock…at the same time.
The final seven castaway’s are set and they are rewarded with a huge feast of lobster and champagne. I’m going to be biased and openly root for Skipper Charlie. Shawn just annoys me. Of course he has that annoying New England accent which makes me long for the southern belles even more.
The night closes with all of the castaway’s explaining what they’d spend their winning money on. None of it matters according to Shawn, as it is too boring to recall. Although...Erika did say she would buy her man a new motorcycle. I’ll take mine in black, please.
The sun goes down on Gilligan’s Islands with only the creaking sounds of the Millionaire’s bed to be heard…Join me next week as the final seven battle to become the sole survivor and if we finally find out if the millionaire score.
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