The Real Gilligan's Island: Premiere Episode - "It's On Like A Chicken Bone"
Like any other sophomore reality show, we’re always promised with more sex, more catfights and just more wackiness in general. Well at least TBS didn’t fall asleep during class on that day. I’m still waiting for them to sign up for summer school and pass the “How To Go To Commercial Break and Not Show Spoilers” class.
In the meantime, welcome back to the most anticipated reality show…no, make that the most anticipated show of any kind on the planet. Yes, Gilligan’s Island is back and crazier than ever. We have First Mate’s who have no clue how to sail, Skipper’s who actually do, swinging Millionaires and real certified movie stars. Oh and the Professor and Mary Ann are here on the island, too.
The Who’s Who of the Island
Our lovable yet completely forgettable host is Scott Laskey, returning for his second season. Scott is on a break from filming “I Want A Famous Face”. I wonder who he aspires to look like? Hmmm…. Anyways, he introduces us to the new fourteen castaway’s:
Gilligan Shawn- the Steve Stifler of reality TV, this crazy cat enjoys checking out chicks and considers himself sea savvy. That is if you count booze cruises and not nautical terminology. By the way…port is where again?
Skipper Ken- If you’ve ever seen the movie Ensign Pulver, you can relate him to that. This former Naval officer said he often takes his hat off and mimic’s the original Skipper.
Mary Ann Randi- this Kansas native is a certified lifegaurd. She warns us that while she is a lot like the original, she speaks her mind. Read: major beyotch.
Professor Tiy-E- or the “E-man” for short. Not exactly a spitting image of the original, this ebony god is built like a brick outhouse and holds degrees in Psychology and Sexuality. He’s convinced his mojo comes from his secret stash of Hai Karate and considers himself suave and a ladies man.
Millionaire’s Jim and Donna Bounce- worth a measly four million smackers. Jim is less concerned with winning as he is with bedding Mary Ann and Ginger…and of course his wife will be there as well. I guess if your worth millions, you gotta have high hopes.
Ginger Angie Everheart- silver screen star of such classics as Bordello of Blood and Gunblast Vodka. Us reality fans remember her in Celebrity Mole and Lingerie Bowl.
Gilligan Zac- picture Garth of Wayne’s World with short hair. Complete with curled upper lip, this bleach blonde school boyis a self described class clown and cabana boy. Hey, where’s the sailing credentials?
Skipper “Crazy” Charlie- a harbormaster by day, pony tailed pot stirrer by night.
Mary Ann Mandy- she’s flirty, country and an interior designer. For a small fee, she’ll redecorate your drapes wearing a maid’s outfit and a cowboy hat.
Professor Andy- a professor of Engineering, finally a professor that can most likely build a working amusement park out of seaweed, conch shells and bamboo.
Millionaire’s Howard Schur and Miss Melissa- with a name like Miss Melissa we know who wears the pants in the house…along with the whip, hooded mask and single tail flogger. Howie beats out the Bounce’s by a half mil and smirks when he tells of the 27 year age difference between he and the mistress.
Ginger Erika Eleniak- many a teenage boy fantasized about Erika giving them their own birthday surprise after watching Under Siege. From there it was Baywatch and a slew of B movies.
Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!
As the castaway’s set sail for their three hour tour, I settle in for the two year long premiere, complete with bucket-o-popcorn and a 96 ounce jug-o-cola. It’s gonna be a long night.
In some of the finest acting performances we’ve seen to date, the castaway’s are shocked that they are not alone. Erika and Angie act is if they never met despite their co-starring in Bordello of Blood.
Scott goes over how the game will be played with the announcement of the prize: $250,000. Gilligan Shawn quips he’ll do whatever it takes to win while Millionaire Wife Donna yawns and says it will be nice to add on their fleet of eight houses.
The castaway’s retreat to their huts to find all sorts of product placement. There’s electric toothbrushes wrapped in twine, bananas with string (where they’re going with that I have no idea) and other various luxuries designed to look like they made them while there.
Gilligan Zac and Mary Ann Mandy do a little scavenging. Zac gets all warm and fuzzy when he sees Mandy bend over. Mandy does the oh-so-innocent “oops, did I do that” as she coyly twirls her hair. Yes, this show is getting off to a good start.
Excuse Me, Will You Wash My back?
The ole radio comes alive with the announcement of the first team competition. “To the beaches ye shall tread, thou scallywags!” The teams will be competing for a shower- an important prize for future debauchery.
Scott explains the first competition. Teams will race out into the water and retrieve six boxes and a Lowe’s toolbox. Each box has a different item used for making fire. Teams will have to build a fire. When the flame reaches high enough to burn through a overhanging rope, it will break, triggering a flood of water to douse the other teams fire pit. Everyone following? Good, let’s go!
Scott gives the signal and the castaway’s are into the water like piranhas on a guppy. Inside the boxes are four matches, steel wool, magnifying glass, wood, flint, a blow torch, hot lava, Bunsen burner’s and an already lit fire. Ok, kidding about the last few, just checking to see if you’re still awake.
Angie is really getting into it, her auburn hair glimmering in the fading sunlight, sand in all the right places, her shapely hips gyrating to the rubbing motion of wood on wood. I’m left praying for an extended scene on the DVD version.; Gilligan Shawn is left staring like a deer in headlights.
It’s all business on the Green team and they are the first to achieve fire. Hugs and kisses are abundant and there is no better way to celebrate than to have a group shower. Clothes are shed, private parts are pixilated and Miss Melissa joins the group with her rubber bikini and barbed-wire loufa.
Turning A One Hour Premiere Into Two
Oh yes, you didn’t think I would gloss over the inevitable filler did you? Ha, ha, ha…surely you jest. How else are we suppose to get to know the real personalities of the castaway’s? Let’s get on with the Cliff Notes shall we….
*Gilligan Shawn thinks Gilligan Zac is a freak. Ok, I’ll buy that.
*Professor Tiy-E believes he is the strongest man on the island. He’s busy checking out the strength of the other men. Dude, you have six pack abs, chiseled pecs and ham hocks for calves. Did you not get your daily dose of assurance?
*Angie is giving Mandy supermodel walking tips, wearing shimmering gold Manolo Blahnik knockoffs. What? You didn’t think she’d bring the real ones with her did you? Mandy picks it up after a few tries and suddenly has dreams of runway modeling in Milan and NYC. Yeah, it’s that easy. Hey, I can do eight or nine push-ups. You don’t see me wanting to be on the cover of Men’s Health anytime soon.
*Mary Ann Randi begins to show her inner beyotch. She’s a loner, Dottie. A rebel.
*After Gaining the confidence of walking like a supermodel, Mandy joins Professor Eric in the showers. Gilligan Zac hides in the bushes and spies. This kid is quickly turning into the annoying turd that won’t flush.
*Lastly, and the most heartbreaking of all, Gilligan Zac had climbed some coconut trees and knocked a few down. Angie was excited to have a little coconut milk and began to open one up. Now, had TBS sprung for a few more camera’s we would’ve seen the horror unfold. Instead, we hear shrieks and screams and find Angie sitting with her hand soaked in blood. This ain’t no paper cut and the Coast Guard was called in to rescue her- a twist of irony since the Coast Guard rescued the original castaway’s in the series finale.
Going Down With The Ship and The Diesel Who Sank Like A Rock
It’s time for the first elimination and the radio instructs the castaway’s to head down the path to Voodoo Village.
Each night, two castaway’s will trek to Voodoo Village and bring back a box. Inside the box will be a voodoo doll of the castaway character who will compete to be the sole castaway. Erika is the frist to open the box and reveals it will be the Skipper’s who will compete first.
Skipper Ken wasn’t surprised since the skipper is the leader of the group, therefore should be the first to compete. Crazy Charlie simply states, “It’s on like a chicken bone”, a cute and catchy phrase, soon to be run into the ground causing many-a-wince from here on out.
The castaway’s assemble at the lagoon for the first elimination. So far I’m pretty impressed with the competition concepts. They are a tad bit more original than last season.
For this competition, there are various holes in a row boat, temporarily plugged with bathtub stoppers. Each team is in one boat. One by one, castaway’s will exit the boat leaving the skipper and Gilligan in it to bail out the water. The catch is that as each castaway exit’s the boat, they are tied to a stopper so more holes open up.
Scott gives the go, and they are instructed to pull four stoppers out at one time. The castaway’s begin bailing out their boats with coconut halves. The Millionaire hubby’s are the first to jump out, followed by the Mary Ann’s.
The next to bail are the Professor’s and as the game is in heated competition, nobody notices the “E-man” sinking like a rock. At first he does his best doggy paddle, followed by the I’m out of breath arm flailing, followed by the gurgling bubbles and the next thing we see is the sheen of his pomade slicking the surface as he prepares to enter Davey Jones Locker.
Scott notices the impending drowning and jumps in to save the professor. Say what you will about a cheesy reality show, but that was one classy and heroic move. Scott doesn’t miss a beat as he jumps out from saving Tiy-E and tells the millionaire wives to exit the boat.
Only the skipper’s and Gilligan’s are left and to everyone’s surprise, Gilligan Zac, out of the blue, jumps out of the boat. Shawn simply says, “what an idiot”. So eloquently put.
Skipper Charlie wins the day and it adios for Skipper Ken. As a reward the team wins a whole bunch of LL Bean fishing gear with twine wrapped around it for authentic appearance. This whole product placement is really starting to make me giggle.
Back at the huts, Mary Ann Randi calls out Tiy-E for not being as strong as he said he was. The “E-man” counterattacks with “you’re a lifeguard, why didn’t you save me”. Randi explains she is only trained in shallow water rescue….*crickets* huh? You’re in a freakin man made lagoon, not the Marianas Trench, honey.
It’s Movie Night With A Not So Happy Ending
With Skipper Ken banished to the other side of the island (i.e., four star hotel, never-ending buffets, scantily clad girls), what else is there to do but flirt, flirt some more, scheme and connive.
How about some popcorn and a movie, too? The radio instructs everyone to head down the coconut path. Once there, they are all excited to watch a movie and gorge themselves on hot buttered popcorn. Nope, not tonight. Instead, Angie pops on the screen from her hospital bed. She severed two tendons which required surgery and she won’t be returning. She asks Erika to represent the movie stars. Word up, yo! Angie bequeaths her gold shoes to Mary Ann Mandy and it’s a tearful moment.
I’m beginning to wonder if this show isn’t cursed. If you remember last season, Skipper What’s-his-name left in the first hour? Now Angie is hurt and gone. I swear I saw the Three Men and A Baby ghost peeking out from behind the shower earlier.
As Gilligan Zac makes a hard play for Mandy, the skipper and Erika head down to Voodoo Village to pick up the box containing the next doll for elimination.
Who Wants Homemade Guacamole?
In a fun twist from last season, the millionaire’s and their wives will be competing separately. I suppose the producer’s scrambled to change the original plan once they found out that Millionaire Bounce was looking for a ménage a’ trios. Who could blame them?
Next on the chopping block are the millionaire husbands. As the castaway’s assemble at the beach Scott appears to explain the challenge. Golfing is a prominent past time of all millionaires and being stranded on an island is no excuse for doing a little chipping. Except there is a twist.
Instead of using regular golf balls, the remaining castaway’s must eat through avocado’s and get the pit’s out. The millionaire’s will then chip the pits from the beach into a floating putting green. Whomever lands the most pits onto the green within the allotted time wins. Sounds simple.
The castaway’s are off and eating- sucking, chewing and spitting pits for their millionaire’s to use. Millionaire Schur keeps getting close, landing the pit on the green only to see them roll off into the ocean. Millionaire Bounce lands two pits onto the green. In the end that was all it took to win the day. Team Orange is rewarded to a millionaire’s night out.
There’s a bar, peanuts, wading pool and Mr. Bounce gets a little bounce in his step as his threesome plan is in full motion. The alcohol flows freely and Tiy-E taunts the skipper with a “who’s your daddy” chant. This coming from someone who “forgot” how to swim.
As the night comes to an end, Mary Ann Mandy and Professor Eric slip away for some beach time and canoodling. It is short-lived as the annoying Chihuahua aka Zac comes along. You gotta to give this kid mad props. He doesn’t know when to throw the towel in. Maybe that is some foreshadowing that TBS decided not to give away? Who knows? Who cares? All I want to know is whether the millionaire scored….
Join me next week for another round of rowdy catfights, more eliminations and more spoilers….
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