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Thread: Race to the Altar Ep. 5 Recap: Four Bitter or Four Worse

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    Race to the Altar Ep. 5 Recap: Four Bitter or Four Worse

    Race to the Altar Ep. 5 Recap 8/30/03: Four Bitter or Four Worse

    Since they’ve moved Race to Altar to the suckiest time slot available, Saturday evenings, I figure that from now on I’m pretty much going to be talking to myself these days (okay, and the like three other people who read these recaps), and so shall forthwith dismiss with the formalities of introduction.

    The Final Four: Susan & Coyt, Cindy & Chris, Tonya & Andree, Carolyn & Ethan. On tonight’s episode: As the pressure of the game increases, the couples turn on each other; yet more challenges that are an acrophobe’s nightmare; and the de rigeur “shocking twist,” an Altar Ceremony that NBC promises “no one saw coming.”

    The Quicker Bicker Picker Upper

    This week’s episode opens with yet another montage of couples bickering. Does it matter what they’re arguing over, specifically? No, it seems more like your garden-variety, I’m-going-to-blow-something-trivial-completely-out-of-proportion-when-I’m-really-angry-over-something-else-type argument (and as someone who’s been with my husband for some ten years now, believe me, I know how to spot this kind). Carolyn observes that come of the couples have been fighting more, and Cindy admits that things are more stressful now that there are fewer players left. Are these people talking about the same show I’ve been watching for the past five weeks, because they’re acting like all this crabbing is something new?

    Stewed Prudes

    Strapless red dress-wearin’ Lisa Dergan corrals the brides-to-be and says they have a surprise for the ladies. They walk into a suite where the four Maids of Honor have assembled: Sherry (Tonya’s friend), Tauni (Susan’s friend), Nancy (Carolyn’s friend), and Arlene (Cindy’s sister). Did anyone else notice the eerie fact that each woman’s Maid of Honor resembled a shorter, more overweight version of the bride herself? Anyway, much hugging, giggling, and girly-squealing ensues.

    They head off to another casino for the requisite Bachelorette Party at (where else?) Chippendales, famous home of oiled-up, pneumatic-muscled, closeted-gay male dancers. Cindy and her sister, however, refuse to go in, to the surprise of all the other fun-loving ladies who look aghast at the protesting prudes. Now we get an idea of just how strict a family Cindy’s coming from, when her sister declares, all self-righteously, “I’m married and [have] two kids and he wouldn’t do it to me, so I can’t do it.” Honey please, you might want to rethink that statement next time your husband comes home with a bunch of extra singles, stinking of Tabu, and covered in body glitter.

    Cindy says even though she and Chris aren’t yet married, she still won’t do it. Carolyn tries to get the ladies to “loosen up” (instantly making her this week’s winner of “RttA Bride I’d Most Like to Hang Out With”) by assuring them that Chippendales is hardly the den of sin they’re making it out to be (then I find out they don’t even take their pants off—note to self: what a rip, think I’ll head off to Crazy Horse), but when they remain outside taking their “moral stand” Carolyn says she’s not surprised, because she’s already sensed that Cindy “feels she has to portray a certain image.” Then Tonya and her Maid of Honor also decide to stay outside, while the other four women go in to watch the Chippendales men do an extended riff off old Village People shtick (cut to: shot of construction worker guys dancing with big hammers—insert your own Freudian joke here!).

    My Dinner with Andree (and Coyt, and Chris, and Ethan, and Colin Cowie, Wedding Planner to the Stars)

    Paranoid prudes Cindy and Tonya speculate that while they are here at Chippendales, the men might also be involved with some hot dishes on the Strip; and indeed they are, quite literally. The men meet up with Colin Cowie for the Wedding Planner to the Stars’ most sustained cameo yet, Table Etiquette 101. Like a one-man “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Cowie coaches the uncouth grooms on which spoon to use when, how to cut meat on your plate, not to eat with fingers or talk with mouth full, and leaves us with the priceless adage “When you eat, think as elegantly as possible.” Does this advice also apply to Hot Pockets? Shockingly, I don’t know how Cowie’s letting Coyt and Andree get away with a baseball cap and a sun visor at the table, but ultimately, Andree professes that the lesson was great, since he’d never formally been taught any of these things.

    Back at Chippendales, dancers dressed up as cowboys do a topless two-step to the delight of Carolyn and Susan (who describes the night as a fun experience she might not normally have had a chance to engage in—You go, Southern Baptist Sistah!). Sitting on the floor outside the theater door are the four prudish party poopers. If Cindy, whom as you may recall had the big blow-out with Chris over having to share a bed together from the very first episode, seemed conservative to you, dig her sister Arlene, who gives Cindy grief for engaging in pre-marital cuddling with Chris.

    Blaming of the Shrew

    The ladies finally return to home base Venetian, and Cindy is spoiling for a fight with Chris before she’s barely in the door. Wagging her finger vociferously, Cindy explodes at Chris over something he didn’t even do, without even bothering to ask what it was the guys did that night. She spits out psycho-chick irrationalisms like, “Oh so it’s okay if I go out and have an affair because you’ll forgive me” and “I expect you to get up and say ‘Hey guys, have a great time, but going into the other room because Cindy would not like this.” If she had stopped for even a second to take a breath and let Chris get word in, she would realize that she was getting on Chris’s case for letting Colin Cowie show him how to use a soup spoon. Chris doesn’t even bother to tell Cindy the truth, and instead laughs off her “hardcore expectations” (which sounds like maybe the title of porno that might be available from hotel pay-per-view), but this serves only to further enrage her, prompting her to get out of bed and again slam down the odd, phallic pillow they were initially using to keep them apart in bed with a livid “Then hardcore that, okay?” (insert second Freudian joke here) before he picks it up and launches it off the bed (insert feminist, reclaiming-of-phallocentric-power joke here).

    By morning, Cindy has gone from finger-wagging to fist-clenching. I’m now feeling really sorry for Chris. She isn’t even out of bed yet, and she’s already ripping Chris a new one for the alleged crime he didn’t even commit. Carolyn, who has apparently been cast as tonight’s Greek chorus, tells us that she believes Cindy is very anxious over what her family might think of her, and Chris can’t be himself because Cindy won’t stop worrying what other people think. Jump cut to a terrifying shot of Cindy with a monstrous snarl, throwing a book down in anger and shrieking “You’re a jerk!” at Chris, who later kicks the air in frustration when Cindy pushes him away from her. Between you and me (and the other two people reading this recap) I’m thinking as I watch this scene that Cindy and Chris might want to rethink their engagement. Sure every couple has conflict, but these two have been knock-down, drag-out from jump, with deplorable communication skills. Plus, I would respect Cindy a bit more if her problems stemmed from her own sense of moral principle, however it looks to me like she is more concerned about cultivating an image of morality for her family, as opposed actually living by her own sense of what's right and wrong.

    Challenge #1: Jump for Joy

    The couples head 10 miles west of the Vegas Strip to the The Lakes at West Sahara for the physical challenge “Jump for Joy” (gee, their titles are starting to get even lamer than mine). It’s another stunt involving some metal rig contraption suspended precariously in the air. In fact, it looks like they just took the “Leap of Faith” rig from last week, and reassembled it in a slightly different configuration over the rather gross, murky water of “The Lakes at West Sahara”. For this event, two competing couples must stand, one person each, on a thin strip of metal that compromises a large rotating cross figure, in the middle of which are two rotating bars, one about head-height, and the other just to the shins. The object of this game is for each player to stay as long they can on the cross, which will require not only balancing on the narrow beam upon which they’re standing, but also by hopping over the lower bar, and ducking beneath the higher. Lisa Dergan explains that as soon as you fall off the structure, you’re out; but as long as one member of each couple remains on the cross, they’re still alive. The couples will be competing against each other this time in two heats, two couples each randomly selected, with the winners going on to battle each other for the first Power Couple position.

    Tonya & Andree go up against Susan & Coyt. Andree expresses doubts that Tonya would come through for this event, after last week’s “Leap of Faith” fiasco, and (as if in tribute to recently departed Robert & Grace) after one pathetic little jump, Tonya plunges immediately into the water. Is she even trying? Andree makes a dramatic tumble and nearly falls off his bar, but miraculously pulls himself up by the arms and gets back into place with lightning-quick swiftness. Susan loses her balance and goes down, followed shortly by Coyt. Coyt explains afterwards that he lost concentration when Susan fell, upon seeing Andree dangling from the bar. He was confused and thought Andree was out.

    The second heat pits Ethan & Caroline against Cindy & Chris. This group seems to do a little better than the last, perhaps learning that small hops actually work better over the lower bar. Cindy falls off first, followed by Caroline who makes a painful-looking bounce off the bar. But the guys remain up on the structure, each one determined not to back down. Lisa announces that 4 minutes, then 6 minutes have passed. The guys even have time to chat with each other up there, with Ethan declaring stalwartly that he won’t budge, and Chris saying he has to win because he and Cindy have no “protection” (by this I assume he means because he and Cindy are not in a commitment with any other couples, because I sure as heck know he ain’t talkin’ ‘bout jimmy hats). They’re up there talking up a storm, though I can’t really make it all out (this makes me angry that the show producers arbitrarily put subtitled text up for things I can hear just fine, thank you very much, then inscrutably forget to do so for moments when you really could use it, like this). 20 minutes pass, then 30…and just when you think this will go on interminably, Ethan lands off balance, stumbling on one foot…but then regains his footing. The guy who actually falls off is Chris, who gets whacked in the face by the high bar, as he was reeling to steady himself, and plummets dramatically back into the water.

    This leaves Ethan & Caroline in the final heat with Tonya & Andree. Now, as this challenge begins, we see a shot of Tonya readying herself on the bar. Even my guests who were visiting that night, who have never seen the show before, were all placing bets that Tonya would fail first, and before we even had time to finish our thoughts, Tonya doesn’t so much fall off as much as it looks like she has actually leaped off the thing of her own accord. Carolyn goes down, after a much better-looking effort, leaving Ethan & Andree up there. Ethan takes out his mouth guard and starts talking to Andree, and now I finally see his brilliant strategy, which is to subtly psyche out his opponent with his chatter. They go for over 5 minutes, and even with Ethan making a shaky landing at one point, it’s Andree who goes down. Ethan & Caroline, Lisa Dergan yells, are Power Couple #1, finally! Andree jokingly says “The old man won!” (because in the twisted chronology of Reality Television, 38 is like time for apple sauce and Depends diapers) but then he graciously concedes in the end by saying, “Ethan was the better man today.”

    It’s Good to Be King and the Too Bad Tango

    Later on, back at the Venetian, a triumphant but justifiably exhausted-looking Ethan slouches over his lunch and talks to Carolyn about how happy he is that they finally made Power Couple status. He laughingly says that finally “people are going to come to my room, people are gonna talk to me, people are gonna laugh at my jokes for a change” with all the endearing It’s-My-Turn glee of the high school nerd turned grown-up mogul who returns his school reunion to find the hot chicks who ignored him throwing themselves all over him like a cheap poncho.

    There’s a significantly lower level of glee going on in Coyt & Susan’s room, where Coyt seems hurt that Susan perceives him as a “dud”. Susan denies this, but still adds that she feels he could be doing a lot better. Coyt very defensively snaps he very well could have done better today, but that he had thought the competition was over when Andree nearly fell the first time; he ends the discussion by saying they’ll just have to win the next challenge.

    Everyone’s tired and a little cranky, but that evening they are whisked off to the Prana Nightclub for dance lessons, which brings back a bit of mirth to the couples. Susan, however, tearily reminds us that her Southern Baptist parents do not approve of dancing, and makes the absolutely heartbreaking announcement that “I don’t think my dad would dance with me” over footage of her doing a beautiful turn into Coyt’s arms. Tonya says that the show is helping her and Andree to put their differences and work as a team in order to win the show (call me crazy, but from where I’m sitting, looks like Andree’s been winning this virtually on his own). Cindy & Chris say that the show has been a test of their compatibility (or,incompatibility, I would argue). Finally Ethan says that he and Carolyn really want to win this because they have “no financial backing for a wedding right now” (a head scratcher to me, seeing as how they’re both doctors) but that ultimately he’d like to win it because Carolyn really deserves it (awww). The show goes to break with Carolyn weeping softly was she and Ethan dance (double-awww).

    Challenge #2: For Better or For Worse

    They gather at the Venus Nightclub at, black-strapless-dress-wearing Lisa Dergan emphasizes, the (sing it with me, folks) luxurious Venetian Hotel and Casino. Carolyn again gives us her off-camera commentary, saying that she was really surprised at “how angry, upset, and worked up everyone was” today. Well, these questions certainly won’t help.

    Lisa asks the ladies to “name one negative quality he says you share with your mother.” Tonya makes an instant match with Andree when she confidently answers “My Attitude.” Cindy guesses that it’s talking too much, but Chris had answered cleanliness (since when was this a crime, I ask breaking out my Purell bottle). Carolyn correctly answers “holding grudges” but Susan strikes out by answering “being conservative” when Coyt had said “temper”.

    Everyone blows it on Question #2: “He finds it completely unattractive when you…”
    Cindy says “whine” but Chris said “yell” (I think we all agree with Chris here); Carolyn answers her “disgusted” face, but Ethan said it was actually when she tells him what to do; Susan says “when I shut him up” but Coyt says its when she’s mad; Tonya says it when she’s not smiling, but Andree had answered that its when she farts. An indignant Tonya makes the outrageous claim that she doesn’t really fart, but c’mon, like Andree says, “It’s a natural thing.” Then Tonya heads into Oversharing Territory by telling everyone about “The Farting Game” (is that by Milton Bradley) in which Andree puts his butt up against her and attempts to flatulate upon her. I smell a new physical challenge!

    Question #3: “He thinks you’re unable to compromise with him about…”
    Carolyn says “money” but Ethan said “being in a hot climate”; Susan says “volleyball” but Coyt said “shopping”; Tonya said “other women” and Andree said “cheating” which Lisa actually gives to them as a correct answer (hmmm, seems like soap opera plot lurking beneath the surface of T&A’s relationship, or A’s relationship with T&A, as it were); Cindy and Chris match with “morals”.

    Question #4: “Romantically speaking, one thing she wishes you’d never do again is…”
    Red as a tomato, Coyt says “focus on her breasts, or play with her…I don’t know.” I do believe I just heard two big thuds coming from Texas, and I think it’s Susan’s parents falling to the ground in shock, but holy moley, he’s right! Andree says “hickeys” but Tonya says, oddly, “kissing her”. Cindy’s whole family must be fainting dead away when Chris answers “when I fondle her butt”—but Miss Wanna-Be Goody-Goody had actually said “when like you stay like at my parents’ house and then go into my room to wake me up” or some such quasi-innocent drivel. This isn’t the best answer though. That distinction goes to Ethan’s “famous, pre-whoopie-making, naked dance”. Carolyn had in fact objected to being woken up early for sex, but it was already far too late to erase that image from our minds.

    Question #5: “Name one thing you think is sexy which she doesn’t.”
    This is another question everyone gets wrong. Andree continues the oversharing-disclosure trend by saying “when I shave my chest”. Tonya hangs her head down, and says she doesn’t like his legs. Chris says legs, but Cindy says she doesn’t care for muscles. Ethan answers with tattoos, but it’s this question that earns the response “naked dance” from Carolyn, who caps off the humiliation by adding “It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s that it’s funny, it’s not sexy.” Ouch! Coyt says feet, but Susan said arms.

    Question #6: “She’s told you a million times but still you never remember to…”
    Chris & Cindy at least agree on one thing, he doesn’t listen, tying them with Tonya & Andree for the lead. Ethan says “turn off the light” but Carolyn said “relax”. Coyt & Susan have effectively blown the cover on their clandestine cohabitation with his answer “forget to put the cap on toothpaste”, but they do get a correct answer. Tonya & Andree are one answer away from Power Coupledom, and he answers “write letters” which he gets correct!

    Lisa announces that Ethan & Carolyn plus Tonya & Andree will be the ones to decide whether to say Adios to Coyt & Susan or Cindy & Chris. Everyone looks tense, then we get a glimpse of the softer side of Susan when she says that tonight’s Altar Ceremony will no doubt be “emotional” because either she will go home or “a couple I really respect and like will go home.” And this time it really seems like the remaining couples really do seem to share genuine feelings of camaraderie and friendship, making this elimination harder than the last few.

    Deliberation, Elimination, and the Shocking Twist that—Yeah, Yeah We Know

    Carolyn shares her thoughts on the Power Couple deliberation. She talks about how Susan & Coyt, despite falling off their losing streak, are still tremendous competitors. She admits that she “wouldn’t feel horrible” letting them go since, after all, they wouldn’t be leaving empty-handed, having won $18,000 during the poker challenge. Susan hopes that the strength of their commitment will outweigh their competitive threat. Chris speculates that he and Cindy have a pretty good chance of being invited back, 70-30 odds, because he thinks everyone was sick of Coyt & Susan’s winning.

    We get only a brief glimpse of Caroline & Ethan with Tonya & Andree in the deliberation room before we all gather at the Altar with the four remaining couples. There’s a full ten minutes left in the program, and only one invitation to announce, so Lisa Dergan seems to be talking as slowly as possible to stretch out time. She of course commences with the stupid questions: she asks Ethan about “Jump for Joy” which he said he was determined to win unless his body gave out; she asks Coyt what happened to their lucky streak, which Coyt attributes to a couple of “bad runs”.

    Cindy & Chris join hands with Susan & Coyt as they await the announcement of who will be returning…I swear I hear the sounds of the three viewers RttA’s audience, as Lisa announces: “The…couple…who…will…be…invite d…back…[pause]…[dramatic music swells]…[tight close-ups of nervous players]…[another pause]...[commercial break]…[hell freezes over]…is…SUSAN & COYT!”

    Seasoned TV personality and show host Lisa goes up to the departing couple and says, blankly, “I don’t know what to say” (insert blonde joke here). The goodbyes are pretty congenial, however, as the final three go up to hug and wish C+C well. A flashback shows Andree talking to Ethan & Carolyn about honoring their commitment. Could these be the nicest, albeit most foolish, competitors in the history of Reality TV?

    Just as a long crane shot starts to pull away from Cindy & Chris in what is usually the final shot of the show, we realize that—Wait! There’s more. Cindy & Chris apologize to each other back in their suite, and decide that, since they’re already in Vegas, why don’t they just get married before leaving. Before I can yell, “Stop and think about what you’re doing!” to my TV, we see Cindy walking down the aisle of the Altar that is, yes, used for the elimination ceremonies, in a veil and pouffy gown. Her dad gives her away, and we witness Cindy & Chris’s exchange of vows to strains of Pachelbel’s Canon, and their wedding kiss. Carolyn sobs that she’s leaving a happy a life but joining another that she can’t wait to start. Is this the same book-flinging, pillow-slinging, fist-swinging (okay, Cindy was just pounding air, but it rhymes, okay) couple we saw locking horns at the beginning? Well, what else can I do but wish them the best…Hey, I’ve got a heart!

    You can contact the writer of this recap at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com. I promise to get back to you as soon as this police officer is done with my lapdance.
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
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    Apple obsessed goddess Tangerinejoy's Avatar
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    Once again, great recap! I missed most of the show and caught only the end when Cindy and Chris were eliminated and that corny yet eerie wedding. That altar...not a good idea to get married on that omen altar. Anyway, thanks again! Your work does not go unappreciated!

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    Kaysar & Erika Fan Sarahgirl's Avatar
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    That was a great recap SnowflakeGirl. I missed the show last night but was so glad that you were able to recap it. I still can't believe that Susan and Coyt are still there but at least it should be a good episode next week.

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    FORT Fan genericwife's Avatar
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    Wonderful recap, SnowFlakeGirl!

    I missed Saturday's show. I am glad I missed watching it after reading your most excellent recap. Watching Cindy and Chris getting married would have been unbearable for me, unless they were marrying other people. I wish them all the luck...they are going to need lots of it. I would be VERY, VERY afraid if I were Chris. Cindy scares the heck out of me, and I don't even know her.

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    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    So you are the three people who read my recaps!
    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I love you guys!

    Anyway, it looks like in the end the Committment Couples succeeded (with the glaring exception of Andy & Becca, of course). I have to admit that after the course of five weeks I've developed a fondness for all of the couples (yes, despite all the early controversy, even S&C). I, personally, wouldn't mind if any of the remaining three won the big prize.
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
    All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale
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  6. #6
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    Make that FOUR!

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl
    Four Bitter or Four Worse
    The Quicker Bicker Picker Upper
    Stewed Prudes
    My Dinner with Andree (and Coyt, and Chris, and Ethan, and Colin Cowie, Wedding Planner to the Stars)
    Blaming of the Shrew
    It’s Good to Be King and the Too Bad Tango
    These titles alone are worth the price of admission and then you jam-pack a whole lot of great writing in between. Fun, fun, fun.

    Are these couples on drugs to once again keep the odious Susan and Coyt around or are we in for a final "floor wiping" with them?

    Well done, SFG!

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    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl
    So you are the three people who read my recaps!
    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I love you guys!
    Anyway, it looks like in the end the Committment Couples succeeded (with the glaring exception of Andy & Becca, of course). I have to admit that after the course of five weeks I've developed a fondness for all of the couples (yes, despite all the early controversy, even S&C). I, personally, wouldn't mind if any of the remaining three won the big prize.
    number 4 here checking in!

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    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl
    So you are the three people who read my recaps!
    Thanks for taking the time to reply. I love you guys!
    Anyway, it looks like in the end the Committment Couples succeeded (with the glaring exception of Andy & Becca, of course). I have to admit that after the course of five weeks I've developed a fondness for all of the couples (yes, despite all the early controversy, even S&C). I, personally, wouldn't mind if any of the remaining three won the big prize.
    number 4 reader here checking in! I loved this recap! you were able to hear more than i was. the audio on this show really sucks - or else i am losing my hearing from too much rock and roll. i did think i heard susan say one thing that i didn't read in the recap though. didn't she say that her dad was really a great guy and she "HOPED" that he would dance with her because of how important it was to her. that one moment showed a lot of her conflict over her parent's adherance to southern baptist lifestyle and her own love for them and them for her. there is a joke about southern baptists that goes: why don't they have sex standing up? cause someone might think they are dancing. personally i cannot see hurting a daughter over something as non-sinful as dancing. oh well.

  9. #9
    FORT Fogey
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    Quote Originally Posted by fastcar
    number 4 reader here checking in!
    Ahem, I believe I have to pull rank here and say that I'm #4, fastcar, and you are #5.

    See that, SFG? Your fan base just keeps growing.

  10. #10
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    Another reader checking in!!!

    Great recaps, can't wait to read them every week!

    Thanks!

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