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Thread: Premiere Recap: For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll

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    Race to the Altar Premiere Recap: For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll

    7/30/03
    Race to the Altar Premiere Recap: For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll


    Do you, viewing audience, take NBC’s newest reality show, Race to the Altar (a sort of Fear Factor meets Survivor for engaged couples), for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, with high or low ratings, until network cancellation do you part? Anyone with objections, please state them now or forever hold your peace.

    Welcome to the recap for the premiere episode of Race to the Altar! The premise of the show is this: 8 couples compete for the “wedding of their dreams” through physical challenges and relationship games. Winners of each of these two categories become the week’s Power Couples, who are not only granted immunity from being voted off, but also make the crucial decision of whom to eliminate.

    Viva Las Vegas

    As the show opens, a cadre of helicopters swoops dramatically across a desert landscape as the sun sets on the edges of a craggy horizon, and for a moment I wonder if I’ve mistakenly tuned into an episode of M*A*S*H until Dramatic Voiceover Man announces that “Tonight, the race is on…Eight engaged couples are in-bound to Las Vegas, Nevada; here to play the ultimate game of elimination.” I thought the “ultimate game of elimination” was death, but far be it from me to quibble over hyperbole with Dramatic Voiceover Man.

    An “Awww”-inducing montage sequence introduces us to the couples as it brings us closer to the sparkling and always stunning skyline of a Las Vegas night.

    The Couples

    Ethan Langford (36) & Carolyn Daniels (31), Haddonfield, NJ: Young doctors in love, met in a bar the night before Thanksgiving (Awww!).

    Grace Navarrate (21) & Robert Ramirez, Jr. (22), San Antonio, TX: College cuties who got engaged on Valentine’s Day (Awww!).

    Cindy Agudelo (29), San Jose, CA & Chris Arnold (27), Danville, CA: Blind daters who met just a couple of months ago but realized it was meant to be (Awww!).

    Tonya Mattox (28), Raleigh, NC & Andree Taylor (28), Endicott, NY: Been together 5 years, initially had “trust issues” but then realized they were “soul mates” (Awww!).

    Andy Murillo (24) & Becca Fuhrmann (22), San Antonio, TX: Met when she was 12 and he was 15 (Awww!) .

    April Guzzi (29) & Vinny Piazza (29), Dobbs Ferry, NY: Been together 10 years, and the reason it took so long to get engaged, Vinny admits, is “completely my fault”. “I was ready 5 years ago!” declares April. (Eh?)

    Jessica Coughlin (25) & Scott Milner (26), King of Prussia, PA: Met in the first year of law school, when Jess was engaged to someone else. When that ended, Scott swooped in on the rebound. (Uh…)

    Coyt Johnston (28) & Susan Byrom (21), Dallas, TX: I can’t match the eloquence of Susan’s expression of love for Coyt, so here is her quote verbatim: “It wasn’t like oh my god I love this guy by just like looking at him, but he was very just his aura about him was just awesome.” Coyt on Susan: “If I could make the perfect woman for me, this is who it would be…” (Awww!) “…Minus a few small quirks.” (!!!)

    For your reference, pictures and information on the couples can be found at: http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forums/race-altar/

    On an alfresco piazza on the glittering Vegas strip, the show’s host and Malibu Barbie look-alike, Lisa Dergan, welcomes the couples to the “luxurious” Venetian Hotel & Casino and explains how the game works (see description of show premise, above). “The next couple of weeks will be romantic and stressful, but as engaged couples you should be used to that,” Lisa quips. (Yeah, I was married about 2 ½ years ago, and I would rather work as a coal miner than relive the stress of wedding planning!) “In the end, the couple that works together the best and knows each other the best will win a spectacular dream wedding designed by the wedding planner to the stars.” As Lisa announces his name, Oprah and In-Style mainstay Colin Cowie appears for a nanosecond—you’ve got to wonder how much he got paid for that appearance—then disappears like a thief in the night.

    The Suite Life

    The couples are released to check into their suites, which are truly luxurious as promised. Free advertising for the Venetian as the couples gawk at their huge rooms (“bigger than my apartment” says Susan), the gorgeous views, and elegantly appointed bathrooms (Andree steps into the cavernous shower stall with a capacity of 7 bodies, as Ethan and Caroline check out their whirlpool tub). They even jump on the beds, and do everything but flash the reservation line onscreen.

    But by 2:30 am, we get to the meaty stuff. Scott and Jessica, snuggling on the couch, talk strategy: Scott warns Jessica to keep her ears open but mouth shut. “No gossip queen going on here,” he says, and also tells her to downplay their strengths, i.e. no bragging about her being a basketball champion.

    Robert and Grace are also busy—mackin’ in their suite, that is, captured on creepy, voyeuristic night-vision cam. I want to yell, “Get a room!” Except, um, they are in their room.

    In April and Vinny’s room, Vinny is walking around in his underpants with a beer in one hand, and scratching his butt with the other (she waited ten years for a proposal from this guy?). April asks if they should start talking to people, and, like Scott, Vinny tells April they shouldn’t say anything. “The more you talk to people, the more you give of yourself,” Vinny says, as one leg of his boxers lifts, and he gives too much of himself to us, the viewing audience.

    We learn that Coyt and Susan’s families are conservative Southern Baptists who don’t know that they live together. Hello, you just made that announcement on national TV, they (and the four other people watching RttA) certainly know now! Their families are the kind of Southern Baptists that don’t allow dancing and drinking, so Susan and Coyt are determined to “kick butt” to have the wedding they want.

    There’s a mini-drama brewing in Chris and Cindy’s room, where Chris attempts to climb into bed with Cindy, who says she’s not comfortable with the room arrangements. Chris gallantly tells her, “Well then go sleep on the couch.” And they say chivalry is dead. In voiceover, Cindy explains that she tried to get separate sleeping arrangements because they don’t live together, and Cindy doesn’t like the idea of her parents seeing them like that. She seems pretty reasonable about it, and though I tend not to be conservative, I find this refreshing (especially after just having recapped Paradise Hotel last week, where near strangers seem to have no problem hopping into bad with each other at the drop of a hat). Chris is being a choad-head, however, and Cindy gets up out of bed in frustration saying, “If I have to sleep out here, I will…I’m not like you.” You go girl!

    Challenge #1: To Have and To Hold

    Evening, the next day. It’s time for the first physical challenge, and love is in the air…Way up in the air, 100 feet to be exact! The couples are trussed up in harnesses and suspended on ropes on a platform that will be raised 10 stories above the Vegas strip. Holding on to one another in a precarious embrace, the platform will drop, and the objective is to hold on to your partner for as long as you can. If you let go, the two of you swing apart and are left dangling 100 feet above the watery canals of the Venetian. The couple that stays together the longest becomes the first Power Couple of the evening. I went on one of those Catholic Engaged Encounters with my husband last year, but boy we didn’t have to do anything like this!

    This is a pretty nerve-wracking stunt just to witness, and the cameras and mics capture not only the couples’ struggles with each other during the challenge (Tonya and Becca express terror before it even begins, and as the platform is dropped, there is a mixture of bleeped profanities and declarations of love), but also the gasps and cheers from the spectators below as the couples cling to each other desperately.

    Andy yells cockily, “All day, baby, all day!” and “It’s okay, baby, I got you”—a sure sign that he and Becca are doomed. Ethan and Caroline strategize and switch off on who will support arms and legs. Everyone else is pretty much freaking out. Susan pep-talks Coyt throughout, and helps him keep his focus by saying, “Talk to me, don’t look at them, talk to me.”

    One by one the couples separate. Grace and Robert are the first out, and it barely looks like they tried. Tonya begs Andree not to let her go, as Cindy and Chris fight. Ethan says to Caroline, “I can’t” and even as Caroline is pleading “No, Ethan, no!” he’s already letting her go, and they’re out. Andy tells Becca they’re not ready to go, but as they reposition legs, their hold slips apart and they’re officially out. Chris’s grip on Cindy slides until he remains holding onto only one of her legs, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Pretty soon he’s only holding onto her foot, then it’s over for them. The next couple out is Jessica and Scott, followed soon after by Vinny and April.

    Pretty soon only Andree and Tonya, Susan and Coyt remains. “You’re stronger than Andree,” Susan says to Coyt, who in appearance seems like a pale linguine noodle compared to the sinewy muscularity of Andree. Whenever he seems to be losing resolve, Susan remains calmly encouraging to Coyt the whole time, saying, “We’re good,” “I love you,” and “You’re awesome,” and especially “You’re the strongest man here, you’ve been holding us up.” These moments are not only filled with suspense and dread of them slipping apart, but prove also very moving, making even my tough guy husband take hold of my hand and look at me with tears in his eyes (don’t you dare tell him I told you this!).

    Tonya starts to flip out (and get bleeped out) as the strain of holding on increases. Andree, who starts to feel the slip, orders Tonya to give him her leg, but it’s too late. As his hold slides down, he rips her entire pants leg down the side seam. As they swing apart, we see Susan and Coyt kiss in triumph, as the audience and their dangling competitors applaud.

    After congratulations are given to Susan and Coyt (i.e. sucking up to the people who have the power to give them the boot), the couples gather again in the piazza where Lisa Dergan announces that, for holding on 13 ½ minutes, Susan and Coyt become Power Couple #1 for the first episode.

    Champagne Wishes and Caviar Schemes

    Later that evening, Coyt and Susan go to Andree and Tonya’s room to share a toast, and of course talk strategy. Coyt and Susan find out that Andy made a commitment (i.e. an alliance) with not just Andree but Ethan—a shocker to Susan and Coyt who had spoken separately but never solidified a commitment with Andy. Ethan and Andree both express the irony that each wanted to make commitments with Coyt even before they won the physical challenge (and of course now that Coyt & Susan are a Power Couple, this makes them even more attractive).

    Andy admits that he did make all these commitments, saying “It’s not malicious, I just want to get as far in this game as possible,” adding that he wanted to speak to Coyt, but didn’t have time and after the challenge did not want to appear to be “sucking up”. Pretty much everyone starts to suspect that Andy, a tennis instructor, may not have been playing a fair game, and this leaves Susan and Coyt determined to win the next round in order to give Andy and Susan the boot. Foreshadowing, anyone?

    Morning in Andy and Becca’s room, and Andy refuses to get up out of bed and help Becca clean the room, and she does it anyway. Andy keeps giving us more reasons to dislike him. Let’s see 1) he’s a two-faced schemer, 2) he’s lazy, and 3) he’s mean to Becca who is pathetically deferential to him especially when he’s acting his piggiest. While Andy’s still in bed, Becca asks “You don’t want to go talk to people?” and he says, in an obnoxiously condescending tone, “Becca…When I say something why do you have to answer me with a question?” He then criticizes her, and tells her she should be more direct, and in a wimpy tone she replies “I still love you though”. Paging Becca! There's a doormat for a room down the hall, and it wants its personality back!

    E.R. (No, Not NBC Cross-Promotion, but the Actual Emergency Room)

    The first injury of RttA occurs, but it is sustained not during a challenge, but while applying make-up! April scratches her cornea, right below her pupil, from a slip while doing her eye make-up. We see April in the E.R. with an icepack up to her eye, while a voiceover from Vinny says, “It’s pretty serious.” She says the doctor had to “scrape her eye” and then we’re treated to several shots of April and Vinny in the room applying eye drops and exclamations of “It burns!” Vinny talks about how this might compromise them, but says if they have to go, they’ll go, but if she gets better, they’ll “kick ass”.

    Challenge #2: Pre-Nuptial Agreement

    I’ve been wondering this whole show why Lisa Dergan looks so familiar to me, even though I had never heard her name before. Glimpsing at her cleavage, I finally realize that I’ve seen her in many of the lingerie and bikini catalogs I get (e.g. Frederick’s of Hollywood and Venus Swimsuits)—I just didn’t recognize her with her clothes on!

    The couples are assembled in an outdoor courtyard, seated on a stage, with paddles. What kind of challenge is this going to be? Hey, don’t get too excited, they’re really auction-style paddles that state “Yes” or “No” for the relationship game portion of the show. Basically like the Newlywed Game, couples are asked potentially humiliating relationship questions, and points are scored for matching answers. Four correct answers are needed to become the next Power Couple.

    April appears conspicuously in a snazzy new eye patch with glittery sequins that make it hard to resist peg-leg jokes. In a moving gesture, Vinny declares that since he and April are basically a team, he ought to join her, and he takes out and dons an eye patch of his own. I smell a fashion trend! Could parrot shoulder accessories be far behind? They kiss, like to two young pirates in love. Awww.

    Question #1 is a cake walk: Does your man want your pre-nup to include that you make love to him a minimum of four times per week? Nearly all the couples get a match with “Yes” as the answer, except for our duo attorneys Jessica and Scott, who match with a “No” (So I guess Lawyers don’t do it between briefs) like Grace and Robert (who says, “I’m an athlete, I need my strength”—yeah, like for times like the last physical challenge, when you pooped out first. Guess you shouldn’t have been schmekkin’ in your suite the night before!). The only couple who fail to get a match are Caroline and Ethan. “As a urologist,” Caroline says with confidence, “I don’t know any man who would say no.” “Well you know one,” Ethan says. Caroline is clearly pissed, and Ethan should consider writing himself a prescription for Viagra.

    Question #2 is one of those trivial topics that still has the power to cause a bicker-session in many a couple: Does your man want your pre-nup to include that you call his mother “Mom”? Cindy says no, because Chris’s mom is a “young mom”, but Chris says, of course she should call his mother “Mom” and they bicker at each other long after the camera moves on to Ethan and Caroline who finally get a match with “No”. April says “Yes” but Vinny says “No” which ignites another mini-bicker-session. Tonya and Andree, Becca and Andy, Susan and Coyt, Grace and Robert all match with “Yes”; Jessica and Scott with “No”.

    Question #3: Does your man want your pre-nup to include that you tell him before you speak to an ex-boyfriend? Cindy, who states that she still hasn’t gotten over the “Mom thing” (tell me they aren’t a real couple, holding grudges like that), gets a match with “Yes”. Caroline, April, and Jessica each match with their men with “No”. Becca, Susan, and Grace match with “Yes”. Tonya says “Yes”, but Andree scrunches up defensively and states “I don’t care if you talk to an ex-boyfriend, so I said No.”

    Question #4: Does your man want your pre-nup to include that you refrain from telling him how to drive when he’s behind the wheel? Everybody gets a match with “Yes” except for Grace and Robert, the failure experts. Inexplicably Richard, despite admitting that he always tells Grace that she has “No sense of direction” says “No”.

    The three couples with four correct answers that are all eligible to be Power Couple #2 are: Becca & Andy, Jessica & Scott, Susan & Coyt. They must answer this tiebreaker question: Does your man want your pre-nup to include that you defer to him in major financial decisions? Becca the doormat answers, “Definitely yes!” and Andy gives her a patronizing little kiss and says, “Good job, baby.” *puke* When Jessica says “No” but Scott says “Yes” I want to duck and cover, because who wants to hear two lawyers arguing over finances—eek! Finally, it’s up to Susan and Coyt…Probably anticipating what each other’s responses would be, Susan says “Yes” but Coyt actually answered “No”, sparking a spat between the two while Becca and Andy embrace in victory behind them.

    “I’m gonna kill you,” Susan says witheringly, while Coyt turns around to congratulate the smooching Becca and Andy. Becca tries to reassure the still-sore Susan and Coyt by saying “It’s okay, y’all are already a Power Couple” when suddenly Susan turns around and says, “Yes, but we know y’all want us gone” while Coyt’s eyes roll back in his head in complete horror. Now Becca, Andy, Susan, and Coyt are all embroiled in a tense standoff, with Becca demanding to know who said what, and Susan only answering “other couples”. Andy flares up, saying, “That’s total !#*@+” (yes, how NBC translated it onscreen) and launching further into a string of bleeped out expletives, while Coyt literally sits on his hands and appears to be silently wishing himself dead.

    Spin Cycle

    Back in their respective rooms, the two feuding power couples are hashing it out in privacy. Susan is trying to explain her venomous outburst by saying that she feared they would be voted off. Coyt points out the obvious (that Susan was apparently too dumb to get) that as a Power Couple, that would have been impossible. “We have to do some serious damage control right now,” he says, frustrated. In their room, Becca is also saying, to Andy, “I don’t know if she just didn’t understand the rules or what, because she can’t get voted off.” Susan, still clueless, is yammering inscrutable justifications for her Exorcist-style episode in the courtyard, saying she wanted to express how “hurt and stabbed-in-the-back” she felt when Coyt interrupts her by saying forcefully “NOT…THE…TIME!” while punctuating each word with an angry, pointy finger.

    Meanwhile, a clearly bemused Becca says she has no idea why Susan “bit her head off” and that she has never once said she wanted Susan and Coyt gone. Coyt finally explodes at Susan: “Have they said anything to you? Do you know why? Because they don’t want to make enemies! What in the world possessed you to do it in that form, when we’re sitting up on a stand, not only that, but there’s a third couple sitting there listening!!!” Coyt, after calming down a bit, starts to show the Machiavellian side behind his squeaky-clean, good ol’ Southern boy exterior, and comes up with a plan to spin their unfortunate situation that includes formulating a better justification for Susan’s outburst than her vague feelings of betrayal and paranoia, and says “We’re gonna have to make something up, which is exactly how I didn’t want to play this game” just as Becca ponders “What happens if they stab us in the back?”

    Power Couple Deliberation (or, Keep Your Enemies Closer)

    Andy, Becca, Coyt, and Susan finally gather in the deliberation room. In a sequence of supreme awkwardness and skin-crawling un-ease, Coyt attempts to do damage control with a long, circuitous, and equivocal speech about commitments to justify Susan’s demonic possession from the other day. Coyt then just flat-out lies by saying “The people who are in here today are who we wanted to be here today”. Andy, eerily calm, drills them in a way more befitting a lawyer than a tennis instructor, and repeatedly demands names. Coyt offers Ethan up for sacrifice, and Andy says he was surprised they didn’t say Andree and Tonya, especially since Tonya was spotted crying, and fears that they’ll be let go.

    There are flashes of the other couples in the waiting room, all fearing the worst. Meantime, Andy coaxes a commitment from Susan and Andy (though his body language, obscuring almost half of his face, seems to suggest he’s hiding something). Andy claims that they’re all here to stay. Susan asks that their pact be sealed with a “pinky swear” that’s giving me a nightmarish Paradise Hotel flashback to Charla, before they finally get down to deliberations as to who gets “invitations” to stay.

    The Altar Ceremony

    In formal wear, everyone gathers in a tulle-swathed, halogen-lit room with flower arrangements, looking like a somber prom from hell. It’s time for the Altar Ceremony, in which Lisa will announce which of the couples are receiving invitations to stay for the next round, based on the decisions of the Power Couples of the episode.

    Lisa asks Susan and Coyt how it felt to be a Power Couple. Susan says it felt good until now. Coyt, who’s starting to remind me of Eddie Haskell, says with sickening ingratiation that “We’ve really gotten close to everybody. We’ve kind of gotten like a family here. It’s not good to have to have someone leave and worse to be directly linked to choosing someone to go.” Like a good first Lady, Susan just nods and smiles in the background while her man lies through his teeth. This is the couple that just the other day decided the first thing to do was kick Becca and Andy out?

    Lisa asks Jessica and Scott how the game has affected their relationship, and Jessica answers that she believes it brought them closer together, and they haven’t fought once the whole time there (Um, does she have amnesia? Or am I imagining the fight they had over finances during the relationship game?). Then Vinny is asked how he felt upon hearing that April injured her eye (who is inexplicably now wearing sunglasses that look like tanning booth goggles in addition to her sequined eye patch, like American Psycho meets Pirates of the Caribbean), and he says that “I knew she wasn’t hurt, the only thing she was worried about was, was this injury going to hurt her chances to win.”

    Lisa reads off the invitation list, in order of preference: Cindy & Chris, April & Vinny, Grace & Robert, Tonya & Andree, Ethan & Caroline…so Jessica & Scott are gone ! Tears are being shed--oddly by the ones who are staying! —while people say their goodbyes to Jessica and Scott and wish them good luck on their wedding.

    The final coda to the episode is a creepy, black-and-white flashback to the deliberation room, and Coyt saying to the rest of the Power Couple consortium that they can keep the game “clean,” meaning “no backstabbing, cheating, or lying”. Coyt then singles out Scott as a threat that should be eliminated, because “He is a trial lawyer. He has the ability to be persuasive or he’s broke” before it flashes forward to a smiling Coyt approaching Scott for hug, and saying “You can take comfort in that we did it randomly.” Busted! The good Southern Baptist boy lying again!

    The show closes with a caption telling us that Jessica and Scott will be married on October 2, 2004. Awww…

    Join us next Wednesday at 8pm for Race to the Altar on NBC, when the couples take the term “ball and chain” literally in their next physical challenge and also hit the town for some gambling. Will luck be a lady or a nagging psycho? Tune in and find out!

    Questions or comments? You can contact me at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com. Email me now or forever hold your peace!
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  2. #2
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Wonderful job, SFG!

    I didn't get a chance to watch the show, but your beautifully descriptive recap made it so that I didn't miss a thing. Well done.

  3. #3
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    Bravua, bravua, snowflake!

    for a great recap!

  4. #4
    Apple obsessed goddess Tangerinejoy's Avatar
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    Great recap!!!!!!!

    After the alter ceromony, when Scott and Jessica were standing there and it all went dark with the caption saying when they were getting married. It felt eerie, more like a funeral O_o; anyone else notice that?

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    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    Tangerine! Yeah, I agree with you; it was rather somber at the end, wasn't it? All dark and spooky, and the caption coming up more like an epitaph than a wedding announcement.

    I do not like the set for the altar ceremony at all. And they make all the couple's dress in formal dark clothing! Now that you point out the morbid aspect of it, I think it does look like Liberace's funeral hall or something.
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  6. #6
    Apple obsessed goddess Tangerinejoy's Avatar
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    When I watched it, and the caption of thier wedding date came up it was almost like I was expecting something more along the lines of: "so and so, 1970-2003" o_o; it was creepy. For something so beautiful and happy as a wedding they sure make it look dreading.

  7. #7
    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    Totally, Tangerine. I hope that's not indicative of their attitudes toward marriage! Like its the 'death of freedom'.
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  8. #8
    Apple obsessed goddess Tangerinejoy's Avatar
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    maybe thier trying to pass along subliminal messages to single people O_o

  9. #9
    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    Correction

    I received an email from Coyt about my recap remark.
    The good Southern Baptist boy lying again!
    He was very nice and had a great sense of humor about everything I wrote. He just wanted to point out that he is not himself Southern Baptist, only Susan and her family are.
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  10. #10
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    this was an awesome summary. Great Job! I am going to look for these every week!

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