QEFTSG 6/1 show... Troglodytes Amok!!!
The Victims: We have two this week, a Neanderthal and a Cro-magnon representing the short branch end of the Homo Sapien family tree. Brandon is Ape 1, 27, single, and a computer analyst. David is Ape 2, 27, single but involved, and a poet between bouts of ultimate fighting. Their house is ok, if you overlook the holes in the wall from when they wrestle each other and fellows apes in their pack. Dave pees in a bottle in his room in the middle of the night cause he is too damn lazy to get to the bathroom, Brandon wipes boogers on his old t-shirts, thats not as bad as Dave though, his girlfriend Helen says she has to hide her towels and blouses cause skuzbucket will use them to blow his nose. I would say these Apes are slobs but thats insulting slobs, these two are below beneath when it comes to any type of couth. The image that keeps coming to mind is the cover of Jethro Tull's Auqualung album and the description of the man on the park bench. Possibly a close relative of theirs. Anyways our intrepid heroes get a field trip pass from animal control and after taking out a light fixture with a football, its off to see about dressing up the monkey boys to pass as subhuman. That alone would be a miracle.
Room: Thom has first try at taming the wild childs of the jungle and we enter Room, an eclectic furniture store, full of mid-century retro stylings to match their house/cave. After making sure they can't hurt themselves on any sharp corners and afixing flea collars....
J.Crew: Carson gets the pets and needs to get the whip and chair out and a fire hose to separate Ape 1 and Ape 2 as they hold a scrap in the J. Crew clothing store not 5 seconds after getting in there. These two have no shame, no brains, and no sense. The fittings went nice, it's amazing that Carson can get clothes on two gorrilas, except Ape 2 still is not secure in his sexuality as he doesn't want to wear a shirt just because its PINK!!! The horror!!!
Duggal: is a photo studio where Jai leads the two with a banana, he has taken 36 of their pictures detailing their life history and put it on DVD to set to music for a presentation at their grandfathers birthday party.
Ted Gibson: Professional stylist has the adventurous job of shaving these apes. Kyan stands by with a tranquilizing dart gun in case another scrap breaks out over whose stylists scissors are sharper.
Bakery: Ted has them take cake decorating lessons. This is more entertaining than watching the two monkeys play with a football. And back to their lair we go for a trip on the tire swing and rope.
The Remodelled Cave
Back at the lair, we see another one of Thoms great jobs, he had to trash the refridgerator cause it was so messy and gave them a stainless steel one and stainless dishwasher and microwave. They got new bathroom cleaning supplies and a lesson on how to use them, new skin/hair products and separate hampers to keep their clothes separate cause Ape 2 steals Ape1's stuff when he runs out of clean. These two need to have gotten a washer and dryer and laundry lessons. Ted shows them a dry run of Pork Shoulder and pineapple sause, gently squeezing the juice through a cheesecloth strainer. On their own to cook the dinner for the party, Ape 2 proceeds to lick every utensil he uses, wooden spoon, spatula, his fingers. He shows his grace and style by squeezing the pineapple juice in the cheesecloth like it was his worst enemies' neck. Choke holds are not legal in cooking. Ape 1 who is supposed to be the cook forgets to trim the cake layer and frosts it with a dome on top. Then he proceeds to piss off Ape 2 by argueing on how to set heat on a stove top to reduce liquid. Ape 2 retaliates in the only way he knows, he jumps on Ape 1's back and choke holds him. Anger management is not in his vocabulary. Most words probably aren't in either one of their vocabulary. Mom comes with Sister, the only redeming part of this episode, sister is good eye candy!!! And she is definetly of the Homo Sapien stock. Ape 2 grabs a beer and opens it with his teeth, we know where he got that trick from, his Dad opens one with his teeth. Next Dad will show Ape 2 how to get ants with a stick by licking it first before sticking it in the ant hill. Everyone arrives, a DVD show is done, and poems are read for Grandpa and the Fab Five and we get out of the jungle.
I predict that these two will slide right back into their bad habits cause they weren't given lessons on manners, grace, civil grunting, or how to pick lice in well heeled style. You had two 27 year old, immature, low brow slobs that got dressed up for one occasion, not shown how stupid they look to the rest of the world. The Five can only do so much, the rest is up to them, and the Trogs don't have a clue.