Our victim for tonight is Kevin Downey Jr. 37 years old,6', 165#, Switchboard manager/stand up comic who wants to find himself in the cesspool he calls life. He also wants to propose to Matilda, his girlfriend of 6 1/2 years. Now pay careful attention boys and girls cause what follows is a dangerous trip through the pits of trash hell.
Perusing the Pig : And we are off and running to meet Kevin. Upon entry to his domicile, one thing comes to mind. Dump is putting things nicely!! This place is so BAD that bums won't crash there, Rats don't infest the place, and it scares crack addicts straight if they get locked in the place. The toilet is on a raised slab cause the place is so low rent that ka-ka doesn't have room to go downhill... this is down at the bottom. The decor is a cross between Warehouse Slum Hell and Trailer Park Post Tornado. The walls are 20 different colors of peeling paint, wallpaper and tacky paneling with intermittent vinyl tiles glued to the wall. Kevin is OCD-given that he has 3 high priced vacuum cleaners that can't work cause his floors are wall to wall clothes carpet. Ceiling tiles are falling down, and dust covers everything thats stuck in place. Thom needs heavy explosives to get things moving in this dump.
Lets do Brooklyn: Off we go with pigpen in tow. First stop with Thom is...
Two Jakes a retro furniture store for that look that Kevin wants, and what is that you say..... its late 50's/early 60's Lounge Lizard!!!
Cosmo another retro store for more stuffs that make the list of high priced tacky.
Salon a styling place for a cut and shave. Kyan overseeing the process as only he can.
Uva Ted and Kevin doing champagne for preparation of the betrothal
Amacord Carson and Kevin invade this store that features the retro look of style and chic. Looking at the choices, Carson has him looking like an old Playboy reader ad in no time.
Jai takes him to Caroline's Comedy Club to talk to one of his old buddies about getting his act to the next step of success and finds out he is scheduled to do his act that night.
The reveal: Back at the ranch, Thom did a great job, I haven't seen lizard lounge Chic like this since I watched an old Dean Martin movie. The main "boom-boom" room is like a tiki hut reminiscent of Trader Vic's in Waikiki. The walls have bamboo trim over reed matting wallpaper. Palm trees and other Island accents do the place right. I got to talk to Thom about where he got all that stuff. The bedroom is more Bordello "boom-boom" if ya know what I mean *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* and we will leave it at that. This is a pg-13 site ya know!!! Carson does the modeling act and shows what dressing for the part will do for succeeding as a piano player working for tips in some seedy joint off the Vegas strip.
Matilda comes for inspection and is stupified, as well she should be. She said it earlier, "his rooms look like they threw up on themselves". Off to do his act and meet up with his brother and friends, pops the question to Matilda, puts the engagement ring on the Wrong hand and proves that she still has training to do with him. While we wave bye to our intrepid hero and he and she saunter off into the sunset, or in this case city smog.... another thumbs up to the Fab Five and may their next one not need a bulldozer and incinerator.