Today's show is titled:
Bad fashion kills people
Gorilla in our midst.
Our putz for the day is John V. a 29 year old Port Authority Cop standing 5'11" and weighing 190 pudgy pounds. We are also honored with the presense of his main squeeze, Ayana. (Can we say babe alert?!!!). Anyways back to our sordid tale of smooth guy gone trashy.
We meet the folks at their apartment, a not too bad place... in comparison to the other victims we have seen in the past. But John still doesn't have the panache to model his place after the cover of
Good Housekeeping and has most of the living room shoved to one wall, the dining room table is the proverbial catch-all and more out of place than in the loop. The bedroom is in sore need of help, as is
the bathroom, Duhhhh!!! this is a guy's place for the most part. But John wants to make room for Ayana since she moved in and they just can't find spots for all the knicknack stuffs. They did find room for the
Dance Studio starter kit rug... the one with the two big outlines of shoes and arrows going in all directions.This is stylish? Not according to the Fab 5. This is the start of the trash pile. Jai almost made the trash pile his own way by getting busted by Ted for eating some of the bakery goods in the kitchen. You can't blame the guy, it is Entlemann's!!!
When next we see our hero's, they are dragging our victim through the streets of New York, showing him what style and good taste are, and hoping that osmosis takes effect and John will absorb some of it. First stop: Lord and Taylors for a clothing refit. Things are doing good till that Hat came out that every cabbie has for a head cover. Why Carson picked that is any guess, and we have to keep a close eye on Carson while he dresses our intrepid putz... hand check Carson!!! how deep are you tucking that shirt tail in for him?
Back to the story....Next stop is ABC Carpet and Home for some bedding and sheets for the love nest in the redone abode. A subtly busy pattern to break up the monotany and then test driving some chairs made out of the Gateway Cow... or at least his cousin... sitting in these will bring out the beast in any man.
While Kyan takes John to get his icky toes done, Carson meets with Ayana to set her up for the picnic that John is planning to spark some romance back into their relationship. He outfits her in shorts and
a bikini top that is appropriately too small. Can we say spillage?!!?! You're damn right we can and she has the boobage for spillage. Thank You Carson!!
Kyan drags Mr. Grungy Toes to Completely Bare... a spa and spray-on tanning joint. You can get rid of the farmers tan in one easy air brushing. John does have a problem with standing in a speedo beside a gay guy. Other than his bout of homophobia, the problem John has is that Kyan is in a lot better shape than John is. Like
I said before, 190 PUDGY pounds. So its time for some trick spraying to give him a slimmer look. Nothing is going to make him slimmer except a one tine fork for about 3 months.
Ted meets him at the Goumet Garage, a high scale farmers market. At the suggestion of Quiche, John declines. Not on this manly-man's menu!!! Real men don't eat quiche! So its Italian Manly Quiche. Testosterone Quiche, Quiche with Balls!!! and some damn name I can't spell, much less say. So lets call it what it is, quiche for idiots who think they are too macho for eggs done slow.
Home again for skin care lessons, cooking lessons, and fashion show for the boys. As a final thought, Jai hands John opera tickets for two, will the fat lady sing to end this show?
After a not too good imitation of an Iron Chef, more like a Rusty Chef, he starts to get ready, in the shower, out of the shower, butt shot for the ladies, and cleaning the crumbs in the kitchen by sweeping them against the toe kick of the cabinets... osmosis of suave did not occur. Ayana shows up for the tour of her made-over home and he goes into little kid mode... this is a person of authority that gets to carry a gun to work? Off to the Chinese Gardens for the picnic and dessert of Chocolate that was supposed to go on some fancy cookies but they have other plans for that after the cameras are turned off at home, knowhatImeanVern? A good ending when he does tell her that he realises that she is the world to him and he better do pay
more attention to her and take her out more or he is going to be a loser delux.
Thus endeth another upgrade of yuckapuck to human by the Fab 5.