Our victim today is Andrew Lane, a troglodyte in today's world. A camera assistant on the film crew, 27 going on 5.
Carson:"Come on guys, we got to do something with that Drew Carey look right now!" and the battle is on!!! They run out and capture him before he can get away. We next get to go to the straight guy pigsty where all sorts of biological experiments are going on. Tearing into the living room turns up a condom crop that hasn't been harvested in years. Porno books litter the floor so that you don't have to get a splinter from the wood flooring underneath. Carson Line #1:"I heard he's hung like a bee." On to the bedroom it's Plaid city in there, with only two pair of blue jeans to keep them company. Thom Line #1 " I am guessing you got that sofa and chair free with a fillup." Taking Andrew out into the backyard (which looks like the town dump) they hint that it's going to cost a bundle to redo him by quoting lines from the opening of the show "The Six Million Dollar Man" Appropriate since his interior design sense is stuck in a 70's time warp too.
Time to meet the girlfriend Diana- a perky thing that swears Andrew has enough hair to be a furry bear. Co-worker says it starts at his butt and goes up to his forehead, Brother claims it's a family curse. So off to the Spa for our intrepid crew for a back waxing. My guess is the wax so that the girlfriend can surf his pole later on after the date. Watching Carson take one of the hair-filled tapes, he uses it as a portable chest hair patch. A manicure is next, with a blurb that it should be done every 3-4 weeks and in Andrew's case, no nose picking in between sessions. Off to Gerry's for new duds and he goes to the plaid section like a lost lumberjack. Carson steers him away with a pry bar to show that there is fashion sense in the world and he is going to force feed it to Andrew in little spoonfulls. After Diana comments that she spent one night at his place and probably never again, we see the results of massive sand blasting and sterilisation steam cleaning to the apartment. Did you know that there is a floor there? A recconoiter session with Ted in a resturaunt for wine and lobster and we head back to the homestead for dessert and coffee lessons.
Next shot is watching the trained ape prepair for the date, first throwing all the new clothes in a wrinkled bundle under the bed and tucking boxes anywhere they will fit. Cutting himself repeatedly, showing he does not need to be around sharp or thinking about being sharp instruments, he is finally together for the date. Thom line #1 "He is a bad after school special."
The mission is a success when he meets Diana, she is spellbound by his attemp at joining the human race. Intrigued that he learned enough social grace to make it through dinner at a 2 star hoity-toity greasy spoon. After dinner we meander back to the house for coffee and dessert, exspertly fired and table side flambe'd for a good night.
Andrew Lane- now Troglodyte Gentleman. Let's just hope he has the ability to absorb class cause he is going to need it to keep Diana.