I’m typing this recap wearing my pink teddy with doily ruffles and tiny green hearts. My hair is teased and I just browsed through my “I Heart Heidi Klum” fan album for the fiftieth time…today. Yes, I am a method recapper. I must wear the part. Or in tonight’s case…wear the camisole.
How To Win Over Heidi
It’s another same-ole, same-ole morning at the Atlas. The previous winner is busy giving himself two snaps and around the world while a select few choose to piss on his parade. Standard format really. In this case, Nick is vogueing to his triumphant win at the Barbie challenge. Santino has a different take on things. In between bong hits and sage cleansing, my boy points out that his advice to Nick is what won it for him. “Second place is just not f*%#$ing good enough.” His words, not mine.
A little breakfast and the gang all meets a very knocked-up Heidi at the Runway. Heidi teases us and tells us that the next challenge is something she knows very much about: lingerie. The ooh’s and ahh’s ensue and I’m settled in for what will be a fun show. But first last weeks winning and losing model is brought out. Since Nick won last week he has the choice of keeping Tara or he can go with last weeks losing model, Alison. Nick does the obligatory kind remarks and decides to stick with his muse, Tara.
Back to the challenge: each of them will have thirty minutes to create a lingerie line of three looks. Then they will pitch each theme to Heidi and Heidi will choose the best theme of four designer’s. Those four will then choose two more designer’s so there will be four teams of three in all. Each team will work to create the winning team captain’s design. Heidi warns that in the end it could be one person or the whole team. Maybe it’s just me, but I just giggle when she acts all authoritarian in her cute little accent.
The designer-lings get busy at work and we begin to see some of their ideas come to life on paper. Everything runs the gamut from superheroes to Hollywood to an ode to Heidi herself.
Daniel F. taps into Heidi and says all the right things. He wants to introduce lingerie that is focused more towards lovemaking than sexy-trashy. This catches Heidi’s eye and Danny hones in on the final kill. “I thought of you a little bit. I’d love to show you something beautiful.” They way he looked at Heidi, the soft blush on her cheeks as the goosebumps formed on her supple arms. The cheap soft porno soundtrack in the background. Heck, I would’ve done him. He could’ve sold me a ‘74 Pinto with pleather seats with that come on.
After a cold shower and the reminder of a baby on the way, Heidi gathers everybody for the announcement of the team leaders and their teams. They are:
Daniel V. - “Revenge”
Daniel F. - “Lovemaking”
Diana - “Goddess”
Santino - “Heidi’s Homeland”
It’ll be interesting to see how these designs pan out. I would’ve went for the naughty schoolgirl look but, meh, classy works too.
You Want To Design What?
The cat claws are already out. After overhearing Diana being her usual out of place goofy self, Santino wonders if they have ever had sex in their life. I’m thinking they might just have. Surely one of those three were in the glee club and if you know anything about those glee girls…
Chloe is a major beyotch. Yes, the same girl who was glad to not be the head of the team is now barking directions. Chloe feels that Daniel F. is too “over ambitious” which apparently just became a bad thing. I suppose controlling, insulting and not playing well with other’s are the pinnacle of what team leader’s are supposed to be?
They haven’t even gotten to shop yet and already the knives are sharpened. It’s off to Mood to pick out the fabrics. Each team gets $200 which seemed like cheap horror in their eyes but was like winning the lottery in mine. They will have until midnight to get their collection completed.
I love the “building” part of each episode. This is where bitchiness, honest confessionals and the occasional temper tantrum shine. It doesn’t look like Daniel F. has much of a following in Chloe and Kara. Kara tells us that because she has seen Daniel work already she knows she and Chloe have to be on step, on point, all the time. Or that could be the bug in her ass talking.
Daniel V. is getting mad props as a relaxed leader who likes to get input from other people. Meanwhile, after nearly losing his sketches at Mood, Santino gets cracking on his Heidi outfit. It’s a Heidi Klum meets the Sound of Music theme with her catch phrase of “auf weidersen” on the bum of the outfit. Emmett is clueless when it comes to sewing. Well, when you have a forty year old man still dressing in Osh Kosh b’Gosh, I’m guessing he didn’t do so well in Home Ec.
Dianna is going with the freaky bondage look. Can I get a “hell yeah“? Guadalupe is a little worried that her design is too conceptual and less practical. Hey, anything that involves bondage and chiffon is practical enough for me.
It’s a flurry of cutting, sewing and tobacco chewing. Little snide remarks cut through the room while hands and feet never stop moving. All eyes are on Daniel F. and Santino’s team. Tim comes into the room and tries to get he lowdown on what’s going on. When Daniel F. compares his design to Desperate Housewives, Tim remarks it’s more like Joan Collins and Dynasty. Chloe and Kara don’t give any love for Danny either. It’s not looking good.
Santino nears a nervous breakdown when he sees the progress of Emmett’s design. If you’re into kinky elves, this is the outfit for you. Santino knows this and becomes emotional. Emmett gives him the big pep talk attempting to hide his lack of designer knowledge. How the heck did this guy even make it on this show? He belongs in the accounting department of Acme Pińatas. The clock strikes midnight and all of the designers turn back into pumpkins with various articles of lingerie still not finished.
The Chronicles of Santino: The Lion, The Witch and His Wardrobe
It’s the day of the runway show and the designers get a slight reprieve and are allowed an extra hour to get their outfits together before the models arrive. Like a good housemother, Tim lets them know that their outfits basically suck and that any team would be out if they were to take a walk down the runway now.
Chloe already has her “it wasn’t my fault” lines memorized and Kara is about ready to blow as well. Even Zulema notices what’s going on. You remember Zulema right? She’s on the other Daniel’s team who has seemingly went invisible during this challenge.
The models arrive. Yippee! I love the look on their faces when they have to wear something they hate. Dianna’s finished product has some of the other teams giggling and you just know the models felt like eating a big bowl of ice cream.
It’s showtime and Heidi introduces the panel of judges: Nina Garcia, fashion director for Elle magazine; Cynthia Rowley, fashion designer and fellow Victoria’s Secret Angel, Alessandra
I Love YouAmbrosio. The team with the highest score will be the winner.
First up is Diana Eng with her collection titled “Goddess”. It’s not as bondage-y as we were led to believe. More Blade Runner meets I Dream of Jeannie, less ball-gag and leather pony tail. Lots of skin is visible and the bottom garments make thongs look like granny panties. Nevertheless, I might pick this up for my girlfriend for our Lost In Space theme night.
Santino’s “Heidi’s Homeland” follows next. One word: ouch! Those girls looked like they stole a holiday wreath and pasted it on their bodies. The make-up made Tammi Faye Baker look like Cindy Crawford and you could see that the judges didn’t dig this concept. Emmett summed it up nicely- “it’s no longer delicate and sexy, it’s vaudeville.”
Danny V.’s cute little cupcakes strutted his “Revenge” line with one pinch cute and two pinches naughty. Honestly, this was the only collection that even resembled lingerie. The girls wore little black numbers in both two piece and one piece. Heck yeah, I’m pre-ordering the catalog now.
Lastly, Daniel F.’s “Lovemaking” collection made it’s debut. It was definitely sexy and meant for a night of lovemaking but it looked more like what a pervy old hermit would make his live in maid wear. Tim was right- it was more Dynasty, less Desperate Housewives.
In a twist of events, Heidi doesn’t waste any time in announcing the winner. It’s Danny V.- as in Victorious. Diana’s team had a score that qualified them for the next challenge as well.
This leaves Santino and Daniel F.’s team to sweat it out. Their respective models come out and Heidi begins with Santino. She’s disappointed in him. Nina begins to explain that lingerie should be made of satins and lace and sexy fabrics. Oh no, no, no. Santino won’t have any of that. He gives the ole, “been there done that, I want to stand out” blah, blah, blah. Nina explains that what he did has already been done before and Santino challenges her to name one designer who has. In disbelief that he actually called her out, Nina gets tongue tied. Heidi asks Santino if he had to choose someone to leave he chooses Emmett which is pretty self explanatory. Nick agrees and *surprise* Emmett chooses Santino.
So now Daniel is sweating bullets. Santino stole his attitude so now he has to act all nervous. Alessandra thinks his collection looks to old and asks if he thought what a young girl would want to wear. Nina wants to know why all the outfits were so similar. Cynthia thinks his team mates should’ve had more input. When asked who Danny would kick off he chokes up and steps up to the plate. He promised his teammates that if it were to come down to a elimination that he would take the blame. He wasn’t going to sell his teammates out. Good on him and the added bonus of tears might have saved his ass.
After the standard pro’s and con’s of each team, the designers rejoin the judges to hear their fate. As suspected, Kara, Chloe, Nick and Emmett were in and could leave the runway.
Daniel: “We respect your vision but your collection was too safe.”
Santino: “We respect your creativity but it was cowardly to sell out Emmett. You’re in.” Wha…huh? Holy backhanded complement.
As for Daniel, Heidi never felt like she got to know him in Project Runway I and when she did she wasn’t liking what she saw. Secretly, I’m thinking the producers wanted Santino to stick around for more drama.
On the next Project Runway: designer’s must create a party dress for one of America’s hottest socialites, somebody pisses in Zulema’s cornflakes and everyone gets to go to a party. Stay tuned, stay stylish and stay groovy.
Seeking lingerie tips at: firstname.lastname@example.org