Welcome to the premiere episode of “The Princes of Malibu”, where you are sure to see and hear from the young, the wealthy, and the incredibly vain. If you enjoy watching the young and the wealthy by association, have I got a show for you! You see, the premise of “The Princes of Malibu” deals with that age old problem – the chicks that just won’t leave the nest. But in this case, the chicks are dudes. And someone else’s dudes at that.
Meet the Jenner-Thompson-Fosters!
The show starts off with a voice over introduction to the entire show, voiced by the very step-dad that is sick of his freeloading step-sons. Record producer David Foster is the man behind the voice-over, and he introduces himself and his milieu by explaining where he made his money. Yep, you guessed it, producing records! He has written and composed several songs that have won Grammy awards. You know, Grammy’s…the music award that no one outside of the music industry really cares about? I’ll bet you were thinking of that little old lady that leaves large amounts of lipstick on your face when she kisses you. Next, meet his step-sons, Brandon and Brody Jenner-the kids that will just not leave David alone. They love to run wild all over David’s Malibu estate, wreaking havoc wherever they go. They are the sons of David’s current wife, Linda Thompson. Linda is also a songwriter, but really broke into the celebrity scene when she was Miss Tennessee oh so many years ago. She even dated Elvis before he died!! Soon after that, she was married to gold medal Decathlete Bruce Jenner, with whom she had her 2 kids. Dave tells us that he thinks Linda is somewhere between the most lenient parent ever, and a pushover, but we will get plenty of chances to judge for ourselves. Oh, here’s one now! Dave tells us that neither boy has a job, and Linda tells us that true, they don’t have paying jobs, but heck, they are always busy!! Usually when Dave talks about his irresponsible sons, he is also talking about their friend Spencer. Spencer seems like the classic Eddie Haskell hanger on, puckering up to smooch Dave’s butt when Dave is around, but instigating mischief and the spending of his money when he’s not.
Dave continues on with his voice over monologue, bemoaning the activities of his sons, while we are treated to visual examples of their antics, and audio examples of Dave’s frustration. From Spencer handling Dave’s Grammy’s, to boys jumping off of high ledges into the pool, to hover craft trash polo, to huge credit card balances, to golf balls driven through windows, Dave has had enough, and he is cutting them off!
But Doesn’t the House Look Amazing?
It’s the morning of Brody’s 21st birthday party, and Spencer is using the whole-mansion address system to try and rouse him from bed. “Seriously, it’s like 11:30 or something.” Yeah, I can’t even sleep until 11:30 if I’m sick and on Nyquil…ahhh, to be young again. Soon after he arises, Brandon, Brody and Spencer make their way down to start checking out the setup for the blowout party they plan to throw that evening using Dave’s checkbook for all the expenses. Meanwhile Dave and their mom are sunning themselves in Mexico. Dave is trying to use the power of strong margaritas to talk to his wife about her sons’ behavior. That’s it Dave…tequila is always the answer! They decide to come home a day earlier than expected, and you know what that always means…Party’s over!. In the limo from the airport, Linda tries to call both boys, with no luck. You see, Brandon is onstage with his band “Big Dume” and can’t get to his phone, and Brody is too busy turning 21, partying with mostly naked girls, and being thrown into the pool to answer his. Dave and Linda arrive home, and immediately Dave is bolting from the car to try and put a stop to this crazy party. Linda, being the enabler that she is, is greeting everyone, saying hello to the dog, making excuses for everyone, and telling Dave he needs to lighten up. Easy to say when it’s really not your hard earned dollars at work, huh Linda? She even comments on how great the house looks! Dave rants and raves, pushes one kid into the pool, and eventually gets most of the revelers to leave.
The 5 Annoyances of Dave
As Dave begins to ease back into his home, we learn of his top 5 annoyances with his boys. First, we discover that he hates it when someone parks in his parking spot. Linda points out that they weren’t even supposed to be there, but the point is it’s his spot, and he wants to be able to park in it whenever he wants. Annoyance #2 is the leaving on of lights around the house. Dave, my brother, I totally understand, since my roommate is always leaving lights on when he isn’t even using a room anymore, and it also drives me nuts. Dave’s Annoyance #3 is, in my opinion, the best one….”All this crap!!” So general, it covers everything. Annoyance #4 is something that I think is probably a problem exclusive to the uber-wealthy with kids…unknown houseguests. I mean, if I have an unknown houseguest, it’s usually a mouse that just wants to nibble my dog’s kibble. Finally annoyance #5 is wasting anything. It’s a water tap that’s left on that bugs Dave today.
The Most Expensive Restaurant in California…If Not the World.
Although Dave has gotten rid of most of the party goers, some of them stick around and party with Brody and Brandon late into the night. Dave informs us via voice over that none of them realize that the party is literally about to end. The next day, as their maid cleans up the messy party aftermath, Dave and Linda talk about what they are going to do about the boys while they work out in their gym, which by the way looks about 10 times nicer and bigger than the crappy gym I pay a monthly fee to workout at. Dave tosses out options as to what they can make the boys do for themselves, such as make their own food, and make their own beds. Linda actually feels that making them do those things is too harsh! And now I am really starting to understand where these boys’ upbringing went wrong. She tells Dave to not sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff. Ooooh, that Linda—I think she writes all her own stuff. Dave makes a great point that eating out at Nobu 4 nights a week on his dime is not small stuff, after all Nobu(a California sushi haven) is likely the most expensive restaurant in Cali. They decide that they are going to call a family meeting, and discuss the boys getting jobs. After several calls via the intercom phone, the boys-including Spencer-show up for the meeting around 3 PM. Linda reminds Dave that the boys had a late night, and he shouldn’t be upset that they slept late. The meeting start out right away as a battle of Dave vs. the Jenner-Thompson’s, since Linda is totally siding with her sons. But Dave’s points are valid. He worked hard to earn his money, he never had it so easy growing up, and he is a self made man. Brandon, however, believes they can’t be judged on Dave’s life…they didn’t ask to be born into all this money. Yeah, who does, Brandon, who does? I know I didn’t ask to be born into middle class mediocrity. If only I was the son of a fame whore. Dave puts his foot down. No more credit cards, no more Nobu, and the boys have to start earning their way.
After they think about Dave’s ultimatum for awhile, and tell their friend Spencer all about it, they totally ignore it and start to make some plans with some of their lady friends. Well, Spencer makes some plans, and starts to invite people to, of all places, Nobu for dinner that night. As the youthful wealth spenders arrive at Nobu and start to enjoy a $700 sushi dinner, Dave goes about canceling all the accounts under his step-son’s names. His first step is to put a stop on the line of credit at Nobu(wise move!) The bill comes due at Nobu, and certainly Brody or Brandon can handle the tab by putting it on their account. HA! No way, boys! The account is closed! Next in line for Dave is the cancellation of the credit cards, just as Brandon tries to use his card to cover Nobu. No dice Brandon! All this time, I’m thinking I would have really enjoyed being friends with people like these in college…invite me out to expensive dinners without ever expecting me to pay, throw huge parties with tons of half naked girls, and have me over to lounge at your pool all summer. Money can buy you love…or at least my friendship. Dave voice-overs for us again to point out that, although the total net worth of the parents of the kids at Nobu that night is over a half billion dollars, those kids came up $622 short for the bill. Now I understand how to make my millions. Act rich, but never pay!
Eddie Haskell Math
Dave wants to talk to his sons and their friend Spencer about paying their dues. He starts out by asking them all how much they think it costs to run this palatial estate each month. Spencer chimes in with a figure of $500,000 to $1 million a year….or about $10,000 a month. Dave quickly points out that genius Spencer can’t even do simple math, but that he is right with the $1 million/year figure. He talks with the boys some more, and they figure out that they can pay about $3000/month for rent for the 2 of them, well, actually 3 of them. Dave just wants to motivate his boys, in a positive way and be a good parent. Spencer, turning in our first real “Eddie Haskell Moment”, goes about telling Dave that, in his book, Dave is a great parent, and “is as cool as cool gets.” Thanks Eddie, now kindly remove your lips from my ass. Thank you.
Bimbo Bikini Car Wash
In voice over, Dave is explaining what the boys do next. With their combined 7 semesters of college, the best they can come up with is to hold a car wash, on the estate grounds, with what are probably in essence volunteer girls who will wash your car while in their bikini’s. I say “in essence”, because I have to believe that just being on camera is enough to get these girls to wash the cars. Yes, they look that vain and vapid. Of course, as they are bringing in a bunch of cars, Linda shows up and is all too happy to get in on the action. She’s a role model for these future fame whores, and darn it if she’s not going to lead them down the right path. Meanwhile, waaaaay back in the line, Dave is just trying to get to his home and his recording studio for a meeting with an important client, who just happens to be in the car that Spencer is trying to highly overcharge for a car wash, based soley on the fact that the car must have cost so much. The driver of the car tells Spencer to work it out with the lady in the back. Down goes the window, and immediately Chaka freaking Kahn is chiding Spencer out for making her late to her meeting with Dave. Spencer has no clue who Chaka Kahn is, and I am realizing she must have seen her shot at B-list re-enlistment, and smothered it in her bosom. Spencer gives us “Eddie Haskell Moment” #2 in this episode by brown-nosing Dave’s client for him, and giving her a VIP ride in the golf cart up to the studio. A few minutes later, Dave starts honking his horn, only to be met with calls to chill out and relax from the boys and his wife. Dave is livid at this point, and yells about the damage they are doing to the lawn, and that this is not a responsible way for the boys to earn money. One of the bimbos comes up and gives Dave a spray with the hose, seemingly trying to get him to cool off. Wrong tactic, honey. Time to learn some manners…perhaps your absent parents can buy you some charm for your birthday? As Dave drives up to the house past the car wash, everyone throws sponges at his car, and Dave tells us via voice over that he thinks teaching these boys responsibility is going to take longer than he thinks.
That’s it kids! That’s all they wrote—quite literally—for this week. As the credits burn past I finally realize that this show is probably more scripted than Ford pardoning Nixon, since there are Story Producers and—what the hell??—Spencer is Executive Producer!! The Jenner’s are listed several times in the credits too. It’s basically a paid commercial for these kids…not only are they getting paid, they’re getting themselves and their unsuccessful band a ton of press. But you know what? I don’t really care about that. If I get to think myself a lot higher than those that are much wealthier and successful than me for 30 minutes a week, that’s time well spent.
If you want to let me live at your palatial estate and have me treat you and your stuff with great respect, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org